Unsure of what to think

[Nornir]

Hi everybody!

 

I've been pushing for a relationship with the guy I was dating (rather hard, I'd like to add). We were never serious, and now that I want to be, he has suggested that we stay friends for 'the time being' as he isn't in a place where he feels comfortable discussing relationships and romance (He works 3 jobs and is starting up his own business, so he has a lot he needs to focus on). I'm not sure if it's a soft break up (especially as previously, anytime I've asked him if he wanted to keep seeing each other after there's been radio silence due to his busy-ness he's said yes) or if he genuinely wants to stay friends with the potential of something serious down the track.

 

He mentioned that he doesn't want to lead me on. I had a bit of a freak out and texted him a few times trying to classify whether it was a soft breakup or actually him just needing to focus and wanting to pick up where we left off. After he told me he didn't want to talk about it (I asked if I could just call him cos it's easier) I kind of woke up and realised that I've been doing most of the communicative leg work, and that I shouldn't be pushing this hard.

 

So I just suggested we cultivate a friendship without expectations, and if it's meant to be then it will happen, told him to reach out to me if he wants us to start again, etc.

How many of you have been in a similar situation, or even just been friends with somebody and had it develop into a relationship? I'm just going to go back to square one with dating (other people), but I would like to keep myself open to the possibility of things happening with this guy. I'd love to hear your viewpoint. =)

 

EDIT: I just wanted to add that prior to this discussion I initiated with him (regarding where we were at) he has said to me he does like me (and seemed fine with me flagging future dates and meeting my friends). After our discussion he told me that he just can't focus on that right now, with anybody. As mentioned earlier, I pushed way too hard. He said he'd be happy to talk about that stuff in a few weeks but I kept asking for clarity, so... yeah. There's that element. Anybody ever been able to turn that around if you've excessively clung or communicated with the person you were interested in? I'm not interested in waiting around for him, but I do genuinely want a friendship and I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious about where it could lead to once we have a solid friendship set up.

[The Urbanyst]

Ready for the truth?

 

When a guy is really into a woman, he would move mountains to make the relationship work. Doesn't matter if he has 10 jobs. He will find a way to make it work or AT LEAST tell you he wants to make it work. This guy is doing neither.

 

I don't think he is that into you. Whether you can change this or not depends on WHY he is not into you. The problem might be as simple as you are too available and you want him too bad. Another possibility is he just believes he can do better. If its the second one, there is really nothing you can do.

 

If you want to know where this guy REALLY stands, I suggest ghosting him. Disappear off the planet for a week or two and ignore all his calls and texts. I don't like giving this advice out because I HATE when women do it to me. But in all fairness, I use this tactic on women too. You might find him chasing you down aggressively.

 

HOWEVER, if this tactic fails, it means this guy doesn't like you. This always works on a person that likes you. No exceptions. It always works. I've done it several times.

[Nornir]

Thanks TheUrbanyst.

 

I was considering not talking to him for 2 weeks and then reaching out after that (as a friendship type deal). He has a show that's coming up tat I bought a ticket for, I'm undecided if I should go or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you should just let this one go, OP.

 

He's been pretty clear that he's not interested in taking this any further. Even a very busy man will find a little time for a woman he's crazy about. He's not doing that.

 

You would be better to stop trying to make it happen and focus on dating guys who are truly into you.

[starrynight4321]

No man is too busy for a woman he's really into. I'm going to be really harsh but truthful here - he is not into you. He's trying to be as polite as possible about it by agreeing to the "friends" thing but he is not into you. I am positive he doesn't even really want to be friends. Think about it - he is even resisting just talking to you about it. Don't you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you also?

 

You can do better than hanging around, halfway building a friendship with some guy on the hope that it might at some point turn into something and that he'll change his mind. You need a guy who wants you from the beginning and conducts himself as such.

 

I do have experience with a situation somewhat like this. Trust me, even if he magically changed his mind and decided to date you, it will never work because a guy who started things off half-heartedly will continue to pursue anything with you half-heartedly. If it starts off this way, how much better can it possibly get?

 

You will do yourself a huge favor by dating others and forgetting this guy.

[starrynight4321]

Thanks TheUrbanyst.

 

I was considering not talking to him for 2 weeks and then reaching out after that (as a friendship type deal). He has a show that's coming up tat I bought a ticket for, I'm undecided if I should go or not.

 

Don't do this. Do not. You know you don't want to be only friends, and he's agreeing to it to avoid having to be a complete jerk to you, and so he doesn't have to come out and say 'NO IM NOT INTERESTED." Save yourself the heartache and headache. You know you want more than friendship, so why torture yourself? Also, if you do this, you will 100% come across as desperate. He has given you every excuse in the world as to why he doesn't want to date you, just so he doesn't have to literally spell it out that he's not into you. You deserve to be with someone who also wants to be with you!

 

Stop talking to him, stop texting him. Find someone else.

[coolheadal]

Hi everybody!

 

I've been pushing for a relationship with the guy I was dating (rather hard, I'd like to add). We were never serious, and now that I want to be, he has suggested that we stay friends for 'the time being' as he isn't in a place where he feels comfortable discussing relationships and romance (He works 3 jobs and is starting up his own business, so he has a lot he needs to focus on). I'm not sure if it's a soft break up (especially as previously, anytime I've asked him if he wanted to keep seeing each other after there's been radio silence due to his busy-ness he's said yes) or if he genuinely wants to stay friends with the potential of something serious down the track.

 

He mentioned that he doesn't want to lead me on. I had a bit of a freak out and texted him a few times trying to classify whether it was a soft breakup or actually him just needing to focus and wanting to pick up where we left off. After he told me he didn't want to talk about it (I asked if I could just call him cos it's easier) I kind of woke up and realised that I've been doing most of the communicative leg work, and that I shouldn't be pushing this hard.

 

So I just suggested we cultivate a friendship without expectations, and if it's meant to be then it will happen, told him to reach out to me if he wants us to start again, etc.

How many of you have been in a similar situation, or even just been friends with somebody and had it develop into a relationship? I'm just going to go back to square one with dating (other people), but I would like to keep myself open to the possibility of things happening with this guy. I'd love to hear your viewpoint. =)

 

EDIT: I just wanted to add that prior to this discussion I initiated with him (regarding where we were at) he has said to me he does like me (and seemed fine with me flagging future dates and meeting my friends). After our discussion he told me that he just can't focus on that right now, with anybody. As mentioned earlier, I pushed way too hard. He said he'd be happy to talk about that stuff in a few weeks but I kept asking for clarity, so... yeah. There's that element. Anybody ever been able to turn that around if you've excessively clung or communicated with the person you were interested in? I'm not interested in waiting around for him, but I do genuinely want a friendship and I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious about where it could lead to once we have a solid friendship set up.

 

Wasting time, wasting your life on a man clearly not into you nor does he want to spend the quality time with you. Yes you had pushed him away without knowing it. Your wants are not what he wants. So instead of being rude and hurtful he's doing it this way. Lucky some will just cut you off without saying anything to you because if they did you would still find out why and how you could fix things. You can't fix a damage relationship if any. I wouldn't even be this person friend why would you? Knowing in back of your head he could turn around, but he's not doing that. He's using the Jobs as excuse. This way you won't bother him more about it. But in your own small way you keep tearing at him, and he's pushing you away each time. Why not forget him no matter how you feel sounds like love to me on your part not his. Can't be the only one in a relationship that trying so hard where the other person isn't trying at all. Do you now understand what your been doing. Try to hold onto something that's not even there!

[d0nnivain]

Don't play games. Not talking for 2 weeks is game playing.

 

 

This guy works 3 jobs & is trying to start a business. His focus is not on relationships & romance. If he was truly in love -- the stuff you read about in romance novels -- maybe he'd look up from work to pay attention to you but right now he doesn't care about the stuff you care about. He cares about launching his business.

 

 

I'd keep the friendship in name only & put a lot of distance in here with both of you being allowed to date others. Tell him to invite you to the launch party for his new company. When you get that invite / announcement, if you are not otherwise in a relationship & you think you might want to still date him go to the event. Reassess the situation then but don't wait around now.

[The Urbanyst]

Don't do this. Do not. You know you don't want to be only friends, and he's agreeing to it to avoid having to be a complete jerk to you, and so he doesn't have to come out and say 'NO IM NOT INTERESTED." Save yourself the heartache and headache. You know you want more than friendship, so why torture yourself? Also, if you do this, you will 100% come across as desperate. He has given you every excuse in the world as to why he doesn't want to date you, just so he doesn't have to literally spell it out that he's not into you. You deserve to be with someone who also wants to be with you!

 

Stop talking to him, stop texting him. Find someone else.

 

We always want what we can't have.

 

Took me a long time to train myself not to chase people. Chasing people is never worth it. Ghosting is the best strategy because it shows you exactly where you stand with people.

 

When I find a woman is becoming too difficult or distant I just ghost her or pull back a lot of my attention. Either she will come back to me or she will go away. Either way, I know where I stand.

 

There is no bigger waste of time than chasing people who don't like you. We chase people for our egos, not because we really like them. Being rejected by someone hurts the ego. That's why ghosting always works on people. Half the appeal of relationships is the ego boost we get from being liked/loved by another person. I've seen so many self-confident people become very insecure after getting dumped by a gf or bf. Or even after their gf or bf starts to cool off on them. Ego assault!