Messing with my head

[Ipsy]

I will try to make this as short as possible.

I broke up with my bf because I felt he was not appreciating me anymore, and he acted like I was a burden. He took me for granted.

I still loved him very much but could not longer handle being treated this way.

 

We were broken up for not even two days and I admit, I started missing him very much and was questioning my decision.

He wrote me and told me he missed me and that his world was black without me, he sounded very depressed.

 

So I (stupidly) wrote back and told him I missed him too and started talking about what we needed to do in order the make things work.

Because I felt like we were going to try to get back together.

 

He put me to a halt right there, he said he only wanted to express his feelings of missing me but felt that it was "too much" to try to make things work again.

I was in tears. I told him it felt like he baited me, only to toss me once he knew I was willing to come back. (and I am sure he did).

He replied that he only wanted to express that he missed and loved me but hadn't planned on fixing anything. Made me feel like I wasn't worth it.

 

Why would he do this? He can't be this malicious can he?

And if he was not being malicious what is the point in telling someone you miss and love them but do not want them? That is still cruel and painful.

What should I do?

[springy]

I can't tell if he was being malicious or just dramatic, but sorry that happened. If he wasn't treating you well within the relationship it seems you did the right thing. It's normal to miss someone after a breakup, but doesn't mean you should attempt to go back. I would block, as I would not want to hear from him again after a convo like that.

[Ipsy]

I just can't understand it. I truly can't.

He knew I felt unappreciated. He knew I felt like he was treating me like I didn't matter.

I do believe that he did miss me but part of me felt like he was trying to even the score, or maybe even see if he could bait me back without actually wanting me back.

He sent such a sad email and said how he realised what he lost and so on and said he was so lost and depressed.

So as I said, I replied thinking maybe he finally came around and we could make things better, only for him to all of a sudden tell me, nope..don't want you.

It seems cruel no matter how I look at it.

[The Urbanyst]

You are clearly not compatible.

 

The guy is not the person you want him to be and he has no interest in changing who he is to be with you. Its not complex at all.

[Ipsy]

That's not what I was asking?

 

Why should be bother sending me breadcrumbs then if he is not interested?

What is the point except to carry on the hurt.

I love you and miss you but don't want you? I figured that out weeks back when I decided I needed to end things, and that was why.

So why does he keep reopening the wound when it's not necessary?

[The Urbanyst]

That's not what I was asking?

 

Why should be bother sending me breadcrumbs then if he is not interested?

What is the point except to carry on the hurt.

I love you and miss you but don't want you? I figured that out weeks back when I decided I needed to end things, and that was why.

So why does he keep reopening the wound when it's not necessary?

 

To make you feel crappy for dumping him? To reverse the power dynamic?

 

Getting dumped is a big ego blow. People react in different ways. Sometimes, people want to inflict the same pain they are feeling on the person causing them pain. Other times, people wonder if they can get the person who dumped them back.

 

But why would I get back with someone who dumped me so they can do it again? Much better to just find out if I can get them back if I want. Once I find out I can, my ego is satisfied and I can move on.

[Ronnys93]

That's not what I was asking?

 

Why should be bother sending me breadcrumbs then if he is not interested?

What is the point except to carry on the hurt.

I love you and miss you but don't want you? I figured that out weeks back when I decided I needed to end things, and that was why.

So why does he keep reopening the wound when it's not necessary?

 

What matters more is how you're going to put an end to it. Block him and delete him so that there is no reopening of any wound. Breadcrumbs for the most part are essentially to see if they still have you on their hook, to gather information on you, to see if you have moved on with your life. It's not necessarily that he's interested.

 

If I was this guy I would have also told you the same. He likely needs his space and time to heal, just like you should take some space instead of jumping the gun after already pulling the trigger here and dumping him (which was well in your right as he wasn't appreciating you). Change takes some time, and change only happens if you WANT to change. Clearly you were right about him from the beginning. He doesn't appreciate you nor does he currently want or is willing to change. Now you have to move forward with your decision to break up with him and allow yourself to heal from this. Go NC and start the process.

[Ipsy]

If I was this guy I would have also told you the same.

 

Explain, please.

You would have what? Told me you loved and missed me then given me the blow of,,,but I don't actually want you. Why?

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, it seems you were right - he didn't appreciate you and didn't want the relationship anymore.

 

The sappy breadcrumbs are typical of people who want to alleviate their own guilt; he knows he didn't treat you as a boyfriend should but he wanted to keep his ego intact and feel like less of a jerk for it. In that sense, it's not out of malicious intent toward you, but a selfish attempt to make them feel better about themselves. It's very painful, I know.

 

You should keep significant distance from him now. You know he doesn't want to work on it, so there's not much more to do but begin your recovery process.

[Ipsy]

Thank you, I know you're right. I am somewhat shocked by it all.

We were to be married and everything just took a nose dive.

There were reasons behind it all going wrong,but I never thought we would walk away from each other.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long were you together, and when did you start noticing this change in how he treated you?

[Ipsy]

2 years and it got the worst in the last couple of months. He did start a new job and it's been extremely stressful. He said his changes mostly had to do with that and he has gotten quite depressed.

But I feel that he blames me for lots of things as well and takes no blame.

Basically, he has lost the will to make efforts in our relationship anymore and it was getting to be more and more obvious.

I broke up with him in hopes that time apart would make him realise what we had.

And he did write me and tell me how much he missed me and so on, only to follow it up with the fact that he does not have it in him any longer to be apart of our relationship.

Edited June 5, 2017 by Ipsy

[jstar845]

Hello, I’m very sorry to hear about your breakup. Sometimes it’s difficult to understand why boyfriends may treat us this way. But, at that time you did what was best for you. It’s understandable that you wanted to express your feelings to him and you had the desire to work it out. I can tell he cares about you. He wrote you to express how he feels and it’s not known why he doesn’t want to work it out or at least this is what he said. Have you thought about being friends with him?. You’ll clearly a strong person and you can move forward and be happy without or with his friendship.

[basil67]

I don't think it was breadcrumbs.

 

I suspect he might have been open to reconciliation if you'd been willing to take him back and love him as he is. But instead, you jumped straight into all the things that were wrong and (I suspect) the things he'd need to change. Your reaction to him reaching out reminded him of why he felt like you were too much hard work.

'

When you dump someone and want them back, you must eat humble pie. And eat a lot of that pie. It's about reassuring the dumpee that you were wrong. That you have new perspective and can accept them for just who they are.

 

Any relationship negotiation should be done BEFORE the break up. But after you end it, you loose any advantage.

 

Also, it's quite possible to miss someone but not want to get back together.

[spiderowl]

I would guess that he felt hurt and was hitting back. He might not have consciously intended to do that but that was the impact.

 

He is not appreciating you and you want him to change. He has effectively said he is not going to change. Sounds like you made the right decision to leave.

 

It's a very tough time after a break-up, even if you are the one who initiates it.

[Ipsy]

Although I agree with you on some points, Basil, the point I was making with him was that we can't get caught up in the feelings and ignore the issues.

We have done that before and it went round and round.

And no, I wasn't talking about just his issues, I was being fair and spoke about our issues.

I know you don't know him, but trust me when I say he does have a vindictive side to him.

I am sure he enjoyed pulling me in only to toss.

[Ronnys93]

Explain, please.

You would have what? Told me you loved and missed me then given me the blow of,,,but I don't actually want you. Why?

 

I apologize I didn't make it clear.

 

he said he only wanted to express his feelings of missing me but felt that it was "too much" to try to make things work again.

 

If you had broken it off with me, that's about how much of a response you deserve. The working it out should be done IN the relationship not outside of it after you've already broken up. He's not obligated to speak with you or better yet reconcile with you.

 

YES, you're right he did blow you off and attempted to reel you back. You were right about him from the beginning though, trust your reasoning for breaking it off and work to heal and move on. You've already indicated that you feel he is very vindictive. That's not a good thing to look back to. He's messing with your head indeed.