JoeBumble Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I have an odd dilemma. A few months ago my wife decided to get a cat from the humane society. I don’t like cats and didn’t really want one in the house but she was insistent and I decided to go along under the condition that it did not sleep in the bed with us. A condition she agreed to. I did not realize at the time that she would opt on alternate days to sleep in a different room with the cat. She says the cat needs attention too. I don’t think this is healthy and said as much. Often, the cat actually gets more “bed time” than I do. I am frustrated lying in bed by myself wondering why it isn’t my turn (which seems degrading and pathetic to me). We also have two dogs and they don’t get to sleep in our bed either. I think it is unhealthy to our relationship and honestly feel as though I am competing with the cat. My wife insists that it isn’t a competition and seems to think it is perfectly reasonable. On the days it is my turn, she wakes up early to go in with the cat. Which frankly makes morning sex a thing of the past. I’d love any feedback or ideas. I’m not really sure what to do. It’s making me irritable and pissed off - now my attitude is adding to the problem.
mercy Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I am frustrated lying in bed by myself wondering why it isn’t my turn (which seems degrading and pathetic to me). Sometimes women (me) just like to be cuddled without it leading to sex. H is great at it, are you? Sounds like your needs aren't being met. So, yeah I'd be jealous of the cat. Sleeping in the other room with kitty is ridiculous. I can't even imagine telling h its the dogs turn see ya. So, what are you going to do about it? 3
Author JoeBumble Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 Sometimes women (me) just like to be cuddled without it leading to sex. H is great at it, are you? Sounds like your needs aren't being met. So, yeah I'd be jealous of the cat. Sleeping in the other room with kitty is ridiculous. I can't even imagine telling h its the dogs turn see ya. So, what are you going to do about it? Thanks for the reply Mercy, when we do sleep together it isn't always sex, and yes I'll cuddle all she wants but she needs to be there. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it as talking hasn't gotten us anywhere so far.
FoundLove Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 This is precisely why I could never be with someone who doesn't share my love for my animals. My cat sleeps with me and my husband and it doesn't bother my husband one bit. He was never a cat person before he met me. Now he's just as fond of her as I am. And that makes me love him even more! I just make sure that my cat stays on my side of the bed because I don't want her to bother my husband while he's asleep. Your wife's cat is obviously very important to her. Don't make her choose between the two of you as she will resent you for it. Why not at least try and see how it is when her cat sleeps with her - on her side of the bed? As long as the cat is not bothering you, why should it be a big deal? 3
mightycpa Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I have to say it. She's getting more p*ssy than you are! This arrangement you have is ridiculous. What else is there to say, really? 5
Gemma1 Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 How long have you been married? Ages? Any other problems or is it a good marriage? Good sex life? Tell her you are taking the cat back to the shelter if she keeps this up. Unless she's planning on keeping this silly arrangement up for the rest of the cat's life (and that would be nuts) then she's doing the animal wrong by giving it more attention in the beginning than she will later. If she plans on doing this for the rest of its life, then she needs a good lesson in priorities, and I think you should be the one to give it to her. Your marriage will thank you later.
Author JoeBumble Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 This is precisely why I could never be with someone who doesn't share my love for my animals. My cat sleeps with me and my husband and it doesn't bother my husband one bit. He was never a cat person before he met me. Now he's just as fond of her as I am. And that makes me love him even more! I just make sure that my cat stays on my side of the bed because I don't want her to bother my husband while he's asleep. Your wife's cat is obviously very important to her. Don't make her choose between the two of you as she will resent you for it. Why not at least try and see how it is when her cat sleeps with her - on her side of the bed? As long as the cat is not bothering you, why should it be a big deal? We love our animals and them sleeping with us isn’t an expression of how much we care for them; rather our bed is an expression of us. We don’t let the cat eat at the dinner table either. A husband and wife’s bed is for their intimacy whether that is talking about the day, sex or simply being close to that one person in your life that is beyond all others. That is our space. As I said, she agreed to keep the cat out of the bed, I didn’t anticipate she would take herself away from our bed for half the week. 4
Author JoeBumble Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 How long have you been married? Ages? Any other problems or is it a good marriage? Good sex life? Tell her you are taking the cat back to the shelter if she keeps this up. Unless she's planning on keeping this silly arrangement up for the rest of the cat's life (and that would be nuts) then she's doing the animal wrong by giving it more attention in the beginning than she will later. If she plans on doing this for the rest of its life, then she needs a good lesson in priorities, and I think you should be the one to give it to her. Your marriage will thank you later. We’ve been married 30 years and have our share of problems though I don’t think they are any more or less than most marriages. (at least judging from things I hear other married couples say) We have a good sex life, pretty regular and satisfying. I did put a stop to sex when she expects to get laid and then go sleep with the cat – I see that as particularly unfair. Like most people we are busy with work and life so to me at least it is important to have that space and time that is ours, even if it’s just to sleep. I love her a great deal which is why this arrangement is unsettling – we don’t, any of us, have enough time with the one we love as it is. 1
salparadise Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 How long have you been married? Ages? Any other problems or is it a good marriage? Good sex life? Tell her you are taking the cat back to the shelter if she keeps this up. Unless she's planning on keeping this silly arrangement up for the rest of the cat's life (and that would be nuts) then she's doing the animal wrong by giving it more attention in the beginning than she will later. If she plans on doing this for the rest of its life, then she needs a good lesson in priorities, and I think you should be the one to give it to her. Your marriage will thank you later. I agree completely. The first problem is that she disregarded your preference to not have the cat and unilaterally decided to impose it on you over your objections. It's your home too –– fifty percent of the decision should be yours, and in the case of making this kind of substantial lifestyle change, you should have a veto if it's something you feel strongly about. The cat is a problem, but also a symptom of a much larger problem; your feelings and preferences are not being respected in this relationship. I'd bet there are a bunch of other instances where she has ignored your feelings and made unilateral decisions, but they just haven't risen to this level in terms of impact on your happiness and wellbeing... not to mention your relationship. Not only does she not respect your feelings and right to be part of the decision, but she believes (with good reason) that she can run roughshod over you and get away with it, and she doesn't feel bad about it. That is a serious problem. What to do about it? Well, marriage counseling would be in order assuming she cares enough about the health of the marriage to go and participate. But, people aren't usually happy about giving up their power. I think you have either two or three choices, a) MC if she agrees, and this would be the least disruptive, b) continue allowing your needs to be subjugated to her whims, which of course will result in a [further] deterioration of your marriage and mental health, or c) make your stand on this hill and reassert your rights as a fifty-fifty partner in the marriage and a fully qualified participant in your own household. Knowing what I know now (as opposed to my younger, naive self), I'd choose C. The reason being that the other two won't change a damn thing –– she'll probably not be willing to participate in MC otherwise. Oh she might go and nod, but actually changing the dynamics, even with MC, is going to require you to become assertive. I know it's easy for me to say this, but I'd make that stand here and now with the full realization that it will certainly result in conflict, and possibly the end of the marriage if she isn't willing to respect you. I'd initiate by taking the cat back to the shelter, be ready for a blow up, and be prepared to stay cool, calm and not engage in any way other than a rational conversation in which you assert you rights as a person and partner. It will get worse before it gets better, but if something doesn't change... 1
somanymistakes Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 30 years - do you have children that have now grown up and left? That might explain her behavior with the cat.
salparadise Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 PS: You could give her fair warning... "sweetie, you know I love you, but this isn't what we agree to. Either you stay in the bed and the cat stays out, or the sh*t is going to hit the fan real quick."
alsudduth Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 An odd problem indeed..... It's hard to say what the right answer is, because I can see both sides of the coin. I love my animals sleeping with me, my H doesn't love it, but he also loves the animals and the cat stays on my side of the bed. The dog sleeps in the middle. That said, we also have no problem kicking them off when it's time to cuddle. I agree that forcing your wife to get rid of the cat will cause her to resent you. I know that if my husband gave me an ultimatum like that, I would resent him for a lifetime. But at the same time, it is absolutely ridiculous that she is choosing to spend half her week sleeping in another room with the cat. If the cat was sick and needed attention through the night, then maybe....but just so the cat isn't lonely? no. I think it is perfectly acceptable to stand your ground about her sleeping in bed with you, but make sure you bring it up in a gentle manner.... Like "Honey, I know you love the cat and don't want it to be lonely at night. But I am not OK with the current arrangement, I WANT you in bed with me EVERY night. I promise the cat will be ok until you get up in the morning" Side note = How do you keep the animals off the bed?! My cat would just jump up there anyway once I fell asleep, or meow at the door all night if we tried to close it. ALL NIGHT. We've tried. He's much too old now to change his ways though.
4fin Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I'd be pissed. She made an agreement and broke it. Until death do us part is another broken agreement/vow and there is no clause to part due to a damn cat. All we have in life is a limited amount of time. At 47 I feel like I'm well into the 3rd quarter and time goes by quicker. I've got 2 cats. 1 can sleep inside which is probably 18 hours a day. The other 1 is a bastard that if you leave him in will raise hell around 2-3 am until you let him out so he gets kicked outside when I go to bed. Your cat may not be a bastard but it has taken your wife from your bedroom several nights a week which would make me not like the cat or your wife until sanity returns. Good luck.
Author JoeBumble Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 30 years - do you have children that have now grown up and left? That might explain her behavior with the cat. We have three kids one of whom has left and realistically the other two are on their way out at various speeds. I don't know if that is bothering her. I don't think this is the case. She did mention once that she has denied herself a cat for too long if that means anything? I'm kind of grasping at straws here - to me, this is causing a huge issue where there shouldn't be one. There is plenty of time during the day to play with a cat.
Author JoeBumble Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 I agree completely. The first problem is that she disregarded your preference to not have the cat and unilaterally decided to impose it on you over your objections. It's your home too –– fifty percent of the decision should be yours, and in the case of making this kind of substantial lifestyle change, you should have a veto if it's something you feel strongly about. The cat is a problem, but also a symptom of a much larger problem; your feelings and preferences are not being respected in this relationship. I'd bet there are a bunch of other instances where she has ignored your feelings and made unilateral decisions, but they just haven't risen to this level in terms of impact on your happiness and wellbeing... not to mention your relationship. Not only does she not respect your feelings and right to be part of the decision, but she believes (with good reason) that she can run roughshod over you and get away with it, and she doesn't feel bad about it. That is a serious problem. What to do about it? Well, marriage counseling would be in order assuming she cares enough about the health of the marriage to go and participate. But, people aren't usually happy about giving up their power. I think you have either two or three choices, a) MC if she agrees, and this would be the least disruptive, b) continue allowing your needs to be subjugated to her whims, which of course will result in a [further] deterioration of your marriage and mental health, or c) make your stand on this hill and reassert your rights as a fifty-fifty partner in the marriage and a fully qualified participant in your own household. Knowing what I know now (as opposed to my younger, naive self), I'd choose C. The reason being that the other two won't change a damn thing –– she'll probably not be willing to participate in MC otherwise. Oh she might go and nod, but actually changing the dynamics, even with MC, is going to require you to become assertive. I know it's easy for me to say this, but I'd make that stand here and now with the full realization that it will certainly result in conflict, and possibly the end of the marriage if she isn't willing to respect you. I'd initiate by taking the cat back to the shelter, be ready for a blow up, and be prepared to stay cool, calm and not engage in any way other than a rational conversation in which you assert you rights as a person and partner. It will get worse before it gets better, but if something doesn't change... Thanks so much for taking the time to respond, there is a lot of wisdom in what you are saying.
HangnTN Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 There's a reason cats are pointed at both ends--like footballs. The cat goes.
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 It is interesting to note that she says "she has denied herself a cat for too long" and that I guess is because you don't like cats and over the years she pandered to your wishes. I guess at one time she had a cat sleeping with her, or always wanted one in the bed, and now she feels it is "her" time to get what she has always wanted or pined for. I think you now withholding the sex will not entice her back into your bed I think it may send her towards the cat actually. Never pit yourself up against a beloved pet, the pet will usually win, especially if there are other things going on too in this marriage, which I suspect there may be. If I were you I would accept the cat into the bed, the cat is probably going to stick to her side anyway, so you get your wife back into your bed and everyone is happy. I think if you make a stand here and try and lay down the law and force her to come back to your bed then I guess you may end up in a sexless marriage with a resentful wife or a divorce... DO NOT take the cat back to the shelter, unless you actually want a divorce. 4
rushed Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 It is interesting to note that she says "she has denied herself a cat for too long" and that I guess is because you don't like cats and over the years she pandered to your wishes. This is the feeling I'm getting, too. I think the problem goes deeper than the cat. OP, you said, "We’ve been married 30 years and have our share of problems though I don’t think they are any more or less than most marriages. (at least judging from things I hear other married couples say) We have a good sex life, pretty regular and satisfying." Take a step back and look at your marriage again from your wife's eyes. Would you say she's been happy with the past 30 years? It sounds like she's putting a lot of energy into this cat. She could be either trying to distract herself from something she doesn't want to deal with, or she could be trying to focus on putting her attention onto something she finds rewarding because something else is missing in her life. She could also be unhappy with you for whatever reason, and would rather not spend as much time with you. If you value your wife and your marriage, which it sounds like you really do, then approach this situation in a different manner so that you get to the root of the problem. Find out what's going on with your wife instead of focusing on the warm body you're missing in your bed. 4
alsudduth Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 There's a reason cats are pointed at both ends--like footballs. The cat goes. This made me think of a time my cat jumped onto our bed and my husband thought it would be funny to snap the comforter. He did, and CATapulted my kitty into the living room (our bed faced the bedroom door so it was a direct shot) within minutes, she was back looking for love from my husband the abuser! lol
Author JoeBumble Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 This is the feeling I'm getting, too. I think the problem goes deeper than the cat. OP, you said, "We’ve been married 30 years and have our share of problems though I don’t think they are any more or less than most marriages. (at least judging from things I hear other married couples say) We have a good sex life, pretty regular and satisfying." Take a step back and look at your marriage again from your wife's eyes. Would you say she's been happy with the past 30 years? It sounds like she's putting a lot of energy into this cat. She could be either trying to distract herself from something she doesn't want to deal with, or she could be trying to focus on putting her attention onto something she finds rewarding because something else is missing in her life. She could also be unhappy with you for whatever reason, and would rather not spend as much time with you. If you value your wife and your marriage, which it sounds like you really do, then approach this situation in a different manner so that you get to the root of the problem. Find out what's going on with your wife instead of focusing on the warm body you're missing in your bed. Thanks, all interesting thoughts. I asked her at the start whether this was some sort of issue north of the cat? She insists it isn't but I'm still not sure that's accurate. Would I say she's been happy with the last 30 years? I'm not sure how someone answers that? We are celebrating 31 soon and making plans for that. We've raised three great kids and are in better shape financially than when we were kids and although those aren't all-encompassing bench-marks, they ain't as they say, nothing. If there are issues she'd rather not deal with, I am at a loss to guess what they might be. I would of course focus on them but her absence at night isn't insignificant.
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 I don't know any cat owners who doesn't let their cat sleep in the bed. If you shut the door chances are the cat is going to scratch and meow to get in. Try it and see if you can handle the cat in bed with you and your wife. How does the cat get along with the dogs?
IndigoNight Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 My husband had a cat that liked to sleep on his pillow because she kept his bald head warm. I was not thrilled with it, but it made him happy so I dealt with it. OP, why don't you want the cat in your bed? (For me, it was because I have horrid allergies if cat hair gets in my face.) Is it enough of a reason not to relent, and just have her keep the cat on her side of the bed? (I took Benadryl, and had eye drops on the nightstand. I also changed a LOT of pillowcases.) I love my animals, and spoil them absolutely rotten. My husband, thankfully, is also an animal lover. We have both had to make compromises over the years (18+) regarding our furry family members. He loved having the cats in our bed, but when his furry head warmer passed away, he agreed to setting the cats up a nice sleeping area away from our bed. I bought him a fluffier pillow and soft head wraps to keep his bald head warm, and I finally (after 15 years) got to sleep without cat hair driving my allergies crazy. I don't miss the itchy eyes and sneezing, but I do actually miss waking up and seeing her curled around his head, and both of them sleeping so peacefully. It made him so happy, and that mattered (to me) more than a stuffy nose. Ah, the compromises we make for love. OP, is there any way to reach a compromise with your wife that won't leave either of you feeling resentful?
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 and just have her keep the cat on her side of the bed? :laugh: Like that's going to happen. Maybe with a dog but a cat? No way!
carnelian Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 LOL Just a thought. she is using the cat time as an excuse not to sleep with you? This sounds pathetic. Maybe there is another good reason she is doing this... I would be suspicious,
IndigoNight Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 :laugh: Like that's going to happen. Maybe with a dog but a cat? No way! I've managed to do it with every cat I've had. It took a while to train them, but to this day my brother and sister pair of 12 year old cats will only get on the foot of the bed, even when it is only them on the bed. My husbands cat has been the only one allowed to sleep on our pillows; the first, and the last. I have always trained my cats, and have never bought into the idea that cats cannot be trained, or that they rule my house and I am only a guest (cat joke). They are stubborn and opinionated, but far from impossible to train. I deal with 1000+ lb horses that are stubborn and opinionated, and big enough to throw their weight around. I trained my two and a half year old, 150+ lb Bloodhound that is stubborn, defiant and opinionated, but he is an exceptional service animal. A 10+ lb cat is easy. LOL 1
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