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I like him but he needs to work on himself. Should I still date him?

Hopelessromantic04

By Hopelessromantic04
in Dating

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Hopelessromantic04 Member

Hopelessromantic04

Posted
Posted

I met this guy through my cousin.

One thing I appreciated about him was that he was very direct at approaching me. From my experience, some guys will take forever to make a move or they will beat around the bush. This guy didn't waste anytime. We talked, he asked for my number, we spoke on the phone for a few days, and he asked me out on a date. That was a big turn on.

 

Prior to meeting him I did have a bit of a 4 month dry spell. The last guy I dated was very attractive and had his life together, but I didn't feel that spark with him. I tried so hard to feel it, but there was something about him that didn't give me butterflies in my stomach.

 

This guy gives me major butterflies. It's a feeling I haven't felt in a while. This is the issue: this guy needs a lot of work. Granted, we are all not perfect. There are things about myself that I definitely need to improve on as well.

 

This guy is very smart. He just graduated from an Ivy League law school a few weeks ago. He is well cultured. He has done a lot of traveling and community work. He writes his experiences and what he has learned from each country he visits. That was a major turn on. He respects everyone's differences in cultures and values and uses them to enrich himself.

 

Sadly, even with all of his accomplishments. He is so awkward. He is so loved by all of his friends and classmates, but in terms of dating: he is awkward. He has a difficult time opening up around me. He has trouble showing affection. This was even apparent when he was too nervous to kiss me on our first date. I brought it up and his reasoning was, "I wasn't sure if you be into me kissing you." We talked about his awkwardness and he said he would try to get better.

 

Another big thing for me is that I think he has the potential to be very attractive. However, he doesn't work out. He is very skinny, and dresses like Steve Urkel. He also smokes and drinks way too much. He did say that if we end up in a relationship that he will stop.

 

Honestly, if he were to able to work on himself and improve on his asthetics, he would be the perfect guy. We have a lot of chemistry and great conversations. He has a great soul.

 

The question is: should I continue to date this guy and help him improve? Or accept him at face value and break up?

coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

Posted
Posted

My child you have tolerated him so far you already know your answer is no, because he's the perfect guy for you. Just rough around the edges. I believe you can get him on the straight and narrow once again. Takes time nothing happens over night. No rush. You can't can't stop his drinking and smoking he has to do that on his own. I am very happy for you found that guy that peaks your interest at heart.

  • Like 1
scooby-philly Established Member

scooby-philly

Posted
Posted
I met this guy through my cousin.

One thing I appreciated about him was that he was very direct at approaching me. From my experience, some guys will take forever to make a move or they will beat around the bush. This guy didn't waste anytime. We talked, he asked for my number, we spoke on the phone for a few days, and he asked me out on a date. That was a big turn on.

 

Prior to meeting him I did have a bit of a 4 month dry spell. The last guy I dated was very attractive and had his life together, but I didn't feel that spark with him. I tried so hard to feel it, but there was something about him that didn't give me butterflies in my stomach.

 

This guy gives me major butterflies. It's a feeling I haven't felt in a while. This is the issue: this guy needs a lot of work. Granted, we are all not perfect. There are things about myself that I definitely need to improve on as well.

 

This guy is very smart. He just graduated from an Ivy League law school a few weeks ago. He is well cultured. He has done a lot of traveling and community work. He writes his experiences and what he has learned from each country he visits. That was a major turn on. He respects everyone's differences in cultures and values and uses them to enrich himself.

 

Sadly, even with all of his accomplishments. He is so awkward. He is so loved by all of his friends and classmates, but in terms of dating: he is awkward. He has a difficult time opening up around me. He has trouble showing affection. This was even apparent when he was too nervous to kiss me on our first date. I brought it up and his reasoning was, "I wasn't sure if you be into me kissing you." We talked about his awkwardness and he said he would try to get better.

 

Another big thing for me is that I think he has the potential to be very attractive. However, he doesn't work out. He is very skinny, and dresses like Steve Urkel. He also smokes and drinks way too much. He did say that if we end up in a relationship that he will stop.

 

Honestly, if he were to able to work on himself and improve on his asthetics, he would be the perfect guy. We have a lot of chemistry and great conversations. He has a great soul.

 

The question is: should I continue to date this guy and help him improve? Or accept him at face value and break up?

 

 

From my experience, some guys will take forever to make a move or they will beat around the bush. This guy didn't waste anytime. We talked, he asked for my number, we spoke on the phone for a few days, and he asked me out on a date. That was a big turn on.

 

This seems to contradict the later points about his awkwardness and social hang ups.

 

The last guy I dated was very attractive and had his life together, but I didn't feel that spark with him. I tried so hard to feel it, but there was something about him that didn't give me butterflies in my stomach.

 

Don't compare apples to oranges. And looks fade and people can seem to have "their lives together" - but ask yourself - have they faced adversity yet? Assuming you're under 30/35 - a lot of people can coast through life seemingly "perfect" - but that doesn't build character or resilience or real understanding. You'd be surprised how many smart/good looking guys get stuck somewhere in their 20s/30s b/c they never developed character or personality.

 

Oh - and speaking of which - OP - did you notice you didn't COMMENT 1 THING ABOUT THIS LAST GUY's PERSONALITY? Like - oh he was attractive and "has his life together" - whatever that means.....But was he kind? Was he funny? (to you at least), was he gentle? Was he strong (morally)? OMG _ i could keep going but...

 

This guy gives me major butterflies. It's a feeling I haven't felt in a while. This is the issue: this guy needs a lot of work. Granted, we are all not perfect. There are things about myself that I definitely need to improve on as well.

 

Ok. You're are right, no one is perfect. He doesn't work out, he smokes/drinks too much etc. As a previous poster said - don't ever date someone by WHO THEY COULD BE - but by WHO THEY ARE. Some people get better, some get worse, most only go slightly one way or the other or stay about the same. So if he's at his worst and still gives you butterflies..... you may need to check and see where any internal hesitation is coming from (parental/friends/societal definitions/stereotypes?)

 

I can't say whether or not this guy is perfect for you, your one "true love" or even if you'll have a great relationship for 1 months, 1 yr, 1 decade, and then move away from each other. But if you think that ignoring the butterflies is a smart move, you need to remove every douche guy and every sorority girl from your life and look at is this way - a perfect relationship with an imperfect guy or an imperfect........you get my point.

 

Honestly, if he were to able to work on himself and improve on his asthetics, he would be the perfect guy. We have a lot of chemistry and great conversations. He has a great soul.

 

What do you want? The outside or the inside? Cause the outside can be fixed pretty easily, but you can't change a soul easily.

Lilyana76 Established Member

Lilyana76

Posted
Posted

Do you think he's sitting at home saying "I'm really into her but she does A... B and C, should I still date her?" How would you feel if he was saying some of the same things of you?

 

You said it yourself, no one is perfect. When you start dating someone, if you can't accept them for who they are right then, it won't work out. You can not go into a relationship planning to change someone. He will resent you for it, and you will resent him for not being better.

 

Accept him for who he is, enjoy the person he is. Maybe he will bring out the best in you and vice versa. Don't try to change him, you have to decide if these things are deal breakers for you or if you like him the way he is.

  • Like 1
PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted

Don't date fixer uppers.

 

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

  • Like 3
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted (edited)

If he was confident enough to go right up to you and get your number, then ask you out on a date within two days, then that says ballz...he has them, and I'm sure after a few more dates they will drop and he will be a man. I think he likes you so much, he's just got himself a little worked up...he's feeling butterflies too. :)

 

 

Now if you told me it took his cousin to set you guys up, and him taking forever to ask you out....then I would say run for the hills.

Edited by smackie9
1fish2fish Established Member

1fish2fish

Posted
Posted

The only true red flag I see is that one sentence you snuck in there in the middle:

 

"He also smoke and drinks way too much."

 

This is what I'd be most concerned about. The rest is minor in comparison.

 

But that's just me. :)

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