Mary3 Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 The secret to meeting your match By Arthur Jeon “I don’t know…Carol seems fine, but she doesn’t seem like she’d be the type of person who would like to go camping,” my friend Charlie said. Charlie was telling me about a woman he’d just started dating. He had quite a clear picture of the woman he wanted: petite, spiritual, healthy, and into the outdoors. “Charlie, when was the last time you went camping?” I asked. “Last summer.” It was now February. “So…you go camping one or twice a year?” I asked Charlie, who nodded. “And you’re going to make this a deal-breaker, this idea you have about going out with a woman who loves to camp, when you only go once or twice a year yourself?” Charlie looked at me, shaking his head. “I guess I sound kind of crazy.” Yes. But we all sound crazy at some point or another. We are told to make a list of qualities we want a prospective mate to have. This sounds great in theory, clarifying what we want a mate to be like, eliminating the qualities that we don’t want. But while it can be useful to hold a vision of the qualities we desire, it can also be quite limiting. That’s because if we have a strict idea of what the other person should look like, then we might miss out on the living and breathing person right in front of us. It’s pretty rare that people find the perfect person they’ve been dreaming of their entire life. Finding a partner is about seeing the other person for their innate qualities and not for how much they match up against your checklist, which, after all, could be very limited. Perhaps you haven’t even imagined who it is that might be right for you. Or perhaps you’re too focused on irrelevant qualities like a mutual interest in camping. Either way, you end up approaching the world with expectations, which limits your ability to see reality. So rather than making a list of the qualities you want, like “handsome” or “smart” or “sexy” or “loves to travel,” try to think in terms of values. Does the person you are considering share the same values you do? Because they could be handsome, smart, sexy and a real globe-trotter, but if they don’t share your values, that is, what you find valuable, then you will have a very long slog. I know a woman who had created a list describing the man of her dreams, including “spiritual,” “well-traveled,” and “creative.” And the man she married is all these things, but he’s also a workaholic, impatient, unable to relax, not comfortable with intimacy and doesn’t want to have children. They have been together for three years and haven’t had a moment’s peace. So put aside the list-making. It’s better to wake up so you can see the people who show up in your life as they really are. In this way you can see them clearly and compassionately. This will also help you make good decisions in choosing a partner. Making lists can lead to a kind of narrowness of vision that might eliminate the right person. Waking up means setting aside your prejudices, your ideas of what should be, and even your ideas about what you think you want. Then who knows what can happen—because you’re not limiting your view of what is possible. End I thought this was interesting and wanted to share it with you...
RecordProducer Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 I read it too on MSN. It all comes down to chemistry... This Charlie is a unique person (read: idiot) for excluding a woman cuz she doesn't like camping. Most guys care about looks, sex appeal, a stable, kind, honest, good-hearted woman with brains. I don't think anybody really cares about which sports discipline or what kind of music you like. We all want something that's closest to our ideal, but sometimes we're wrong. If you start accepting the qualities you don't want to accept then you'll end up with someone who will have all the faults plus no qualities you will like. As much as it's not good to be picky, it's good to tell your brain to not fall in love with someone you objectively think is not for you. Been there, got divorced. I should've been picky!
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 I told my date last Friday that I was either going to get a tattoo for my birthday or a 7-wood. He said a What? i said a 7-wood. He said you golf? I said yeah. He said ohhhh you're the perfect woman!!! We have other stuff in common and none of it was on our online profiles. The profile is only like the first five minutes of meeting someone. The "date" is when you find out if you're really a match. I prefer to get offline as soon as possible and meet in the real world. I hope I'm not off topic.
Meanie Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer As much as it's not good to be picky, it's good to tell your brain to not fall in love with someone you objectively think is not for you. Been there, got divorced. I should've been picky! Totally agree with you. I also think there's nothing wrong with being picky about physical looks either. It's near impossible getting intimate with someone you don't find attractive. Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 I told my date last Friday that I was either going to get a tattoo for my birthday or a 7-wood. He said a What? i said a 7-wood. He said you golf? I said yeah. He said ohhhh you're the perfect woman!!! Which is why Charlie should've asked the girl he was dating if she liked to go camping.
Author Mary3 Posted August 4, 2005 Author Posted August 4, 2005 7 Wood ! lol I was thinking of something else...
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 haha maybe that's why he said WHAT?? Maybe he heard something else too! I just realized that!
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