Multi-Daters

[DashRiprock]

It blows my mind how people today have time to date 3-4 people at once.

 

I've recently jumped back into dating after being in a LTR for a long time (years) and have found multi-dating the norm. I realize at first maybe especially in OLD you're going on first dates and setting up coffee/drink meetings, but 6-7 weeks in some of the women I was dating were still running their own dating tournaments. Granted, we never had the "exclusive" discussion but in the past there were many women I became exclusive with out of mutual respect and adoration.

 

I'm a successful, busy professional and have other interests and really don't have time to run my own NCAA-style 64-woman single elimination dating tournament. Though I should float the idea by CBS maybe, lol.

 

Here's the enigma: WHY in heck would anyone go in more than half-way emotionally when you know the person you're seeing is also seeing (and everything that goes with it physically) multiple people even a couple of months in? And if you can't/won't/don't go all-in emotionally, how on earth do you make a relationship work? I can't imagine that any chronic multi-dater EVER gets a decent guy because most of the guys with dignity and self-respect say the hell with it when they catch on, especially months in. So the chronic multi dater, if female, is generally left with the most most desperate, "nice guy," beta male who's willing to put up with the most BS. Nice catch...

 

IDEA: How about REALLY giving things a shot with someone, ONE PERSON, you like after a few dates/weeks so you can really try to make things work? Why is that so rare these days?

[smackie9]

Some people just want to play the field, and a committed relaitonship is not what they want at this time in their life. Dating is just fulfilling a temporary need....just seeking company to have fun and not be lonely.

[mightycpa]

IDEA: How about REALLY giving things a shot with someone, ONE PERSON, you like after a few dates/weeks so you can really try to make things work? Why is that so rare these days?

Because it is unbelievably inefficient. Parallel processing was invented because it is an improvement upon serial processing.

 

Multi-dating allows for a few things:

 

1) You get to evaluate multiple people at once for their suitability for you.

2) Your emotional feelings are kept more at bay, allowing you to better assess a person objectively, rather than looking at them through the illusory goggles of infatuation.

3) You become more practiced, ie, BETTER, at wooing women.

4) You get to pick up some good dating ideas and practices.

5) You might find that you make a couple friends along the way, even if they don't work out as romantic partners.

6) As you discard some and add others, the "quality" of the people you date rises.

7) In the end, when you choose one, and she's chosen you, both of you have made a pretty solid choice.

[salparadise]

I agree completely. It feels icky to me. And the more I like a person the ickier it would feel. I'd have to bail for my own sanity.

 

There's a divergence in expectations for men vs. women it seems, and you can find many examples in these forums. Women expect men to show high interest and pursue with great diligence in an effort to "win" her over... while she feigns demure. The call it showing interest. But women, being nature's arbiters of reproductive opportunity (the choosers), feel entitled to encourage competition and remain aloof and noncommittal as long as there are multiple suitors in the game. And if they're very attractive and socially adept, they can get away with it.

 

Personally I couldn't deal with dating one of those. After a few dates and disclosure of mutual interest, and sex, I'd be pissed. My previous girlfriend took her profile down after a few dates without any prompting or discussion. I told her I noticed it, she smiled and said yes she did. I smiled and told her I had taken mine down too. We knew what that meant and never had an outright conversation about exclusivity. About a year later the topic arose somehow and she said, we never had that discussion did we? Nope. Well do you consider us to be exclusive? I said of course I do. I think we've had that understanding from the beginning, haven't we? She agreed.

 

That felt totally congruent to me. I don't get how anyone could tolerate knowing that someone they care about is doing the same shyte with other people.

[Bastile]

This isn't WWF wrestling or something. It's not a Royal Rumble.

 

Just ignore the other guys as clowns. The ones commenting on her Facebook, or the one she goes out with to watch the latest chick flick.

 

If she's with you at 11pm Friday night, then that's what matters.

 

Just go out and have fun. Women filter for sex, but you should be filtering for relationships. Not everyone needs to be your next wife or whatever.

 

I agree completely. It feels icky to me. And the more I like a person the ickier it would feel.

 

You are thinking that women have sex with all the guys they date? Seriously?

 

Not how it goes down at all.

 

I'd have to bail for my own sanity.

 

You'll be doing a lot of bailing and rage-quitting.

[salparadise]

You are thinking that women have sex with all the guys they date? Seriously?

 

No, I didn't say that, but you don't know that they aren't either.

 

 

You'll be doing a lot of bailing and rage-quitting.

 

I don't think so. And it wouldn't be rage quitting, just no longer interested. My experience has been that the ones I like aren't multi-daters in the first place.

 

I've only dated one woman who was so inclined, and we knew it wasn't to be long-term. She agreed to inform me if she decided to date anyone else; she knew I'd be out at that point. This was both about ickiness and sexual health. We continued without a problem until she moved away six months later.

 

But I've known people for whom it caused much distress.

[DashRiprock]

Because it is unbelievably inefficient. Parallel processing was invented because it is an improvement upon serial processing.

 

Multi-dating allows for a few things:

 

1) You get to evaluate multiple people at once for their suitability for you.

2) Your emotional feelings are kept more at bay, allowing you to better assess a person objectively, rather than looking at them through the illusory goggles of infatuation.

3) You become more practiced, ie, BETTER, at wooing women.

4) You get to pick up some good dating ideas and practices.

5) You might find that you make a couple friends along the way, even if they don't work out as romantic partners.

6) As you discard some and add others, the "quality" of the people you date rises.

7) In the end, when you choose one, and she's chosen you, both of you have made a pretty solid choice.

 

MightyCPA, with all due respect, I could not disagree more with your post. It sounds like you're approaching this topic from an extremely left-brained approach almost like you're developing some sort of algorithm or statistical analysis tool.

 

It's not as easy as looking a guy's OPS, batting average, or WAR and saying he's a great baseball player.

 

Emotion, which cannot be measured by some sort of analytical tool, is the fuel of life, not cool logic. The heart rules the head--always.

[Bastile]

No, I didn't say that, but you don't know that they aren't either.

 

Yeah, I generally do.

 

I can read people fairly easily to know where I am in relations by this point.

 

Women generally don't have sex with anybody. They usually keep a group of options around in order to feel secure, attractive, to cure boredom, to make you jealous etc. Even if those guys are only “friends”.

 

If you feel insecure because she's seeing Timothy from accounts on Sunday morning for a brunch date, then that's insecurity on your part and in your head. It will also be easy to push your buttons. I know full well the guy isn't getting any, and he isn't any threat.

 

I've sexted women during dates with other guys.

 

There's no need for Wrestlemania

 

My experience has been that the ones I like aren't multi-daters in the first place.

 

How would you know? Especially when you are being judgemental about it.

 

I prefer honesty. Best way to get there with women is to be non-judgemental, and not jump straight into exclusive relationships without really knowing people.

[frus69]

Because it is unbelievably inefficient. .

 

Are you dying tomorrow? That's why the rush?

 

I am not a multi-dater, I don't need to date someone else to see if this one is good. I date one person at a time and if things dont work out, I wait for the next guy. I also dont mind waiting for months, I can enjoy being single.

 

I dont think I have dated any guy who's a multi-dater either. I could be wrong. But I felt like they were all pretty into me hahaha

[The Urbanyst]

Why limit yourself? Those with options will exercise them. I'm dating multiple women right now as well.

 

Sorry, but dating is competitive. I know its not "heart warming" to look at it that way, but its the truth. When you focus on just one person, you put yourself at a disadvantage and waste valuable time. It also puts you in "audition mode" instead of "judgement mode".

 

When you're dating, you want to be in a position of judging more than auditioning. You want to be sitting back in your chair, curling your goatee and deciding which woman you like the most. You don't want to be desperately pursing a woman and paranoid about where the relationship will go. Not a good place to be bro.

[mightycpa]

MightyCPA, with all due respect, I could not disagree more with your post. It sounds like you're approaching this topic from an extremely left-brained approach almost like you're developing some sort of algorithm or statistical analysis tool.

 

It's not as easy as looking a guy's OPS, batting average, or WAR and saying he's a great baseball player.

 

Emotion, which cannot be measured by some sort of analytical tool, is the fuel of life, not cool logic. The heart rules the head--always.

For me, the multidating came first, then I developed the language to describe my experience.

 

I can say it this way, if that makes it better. Once I gave up high-school style dating (one girl at a time, exclusively), I had more fun, dated more and better women, had more sex than I knew what to do with, and for the first time in my life, dated multiple women that were serious marriage material. There was an ebb and a flow to my dating life, I'd spend more time with one, then for whatever reason shift over to another, then another. I got to know all of them very, very well, and I have nothing but good things to say about all of them.

 

Now, certainly, not all of them were like those four, there were some slugs in the bunch too, but they got rotated out quickly. I eventually chose one, but I still know two of the others, over 25 years later. I know their husbands and their families and they are wonderful wives and mothers. Dating people like that helped me raise my sights, showed me what was possible.

 

How did I meet them? Because I never agreed to rules that stood in my way of asking them out. Had I done it the other way, I'd have never dated any of them. I can only tell you what worked for me, and why. I've done it both ways, the way you suggest and the way I described. Multidating is better, hands down. What about you? Is your objection based on theory, or did you try it and have a bad experience?

[starrynight4321]

Multidating is one of the most taxing things ever. I can't juggle that many people.

Edited June 5, 2017 by starrynight4321

[coolheadal]

It blows my mind how people today have time to date 3-4 people at once.

 

I've recently jumped back into dating after being in a LTR for a long time (years) and have found multi-dating the norm. I realize at first maybe especially in OLD you're going on first dates and setting up coffee/drink meetings, but 6-7 weeks in some of the women I was dating were still running their own dating tournaments. Granted, we never had the "exclusive" discussion but in the past there were many women I became exclusive with out of mutual respect and adoration.

 

I'm a successful, busy professional and have other interests and really don't have time to run my own NCAA-style 64-woman single elimination dating tournament. Though I should float the idea by CBS maybe, lol.

 

Here's the enigma: WHY in heck would anyone go in more than half-way emotionally when you know the person you're seeing is also seeing (and everything that goes with it physically) multiple people even a couple of months in? And if you can't/won't/don't go all-in emotionally, how on earth do you make a relationship work? I can't imagine that any chronic multi-dater EVER gets a decent guy because most of the guys with dignity and self-respect say the hell with it when they catch on, especially months in. So the chronic multi dater, if female, is generally left with the most most desperate, "nice guy," beta male who's willing to put up with the most BS. Nice catch...

 

IDEA: How about REALLY giving things a shot with someone, ONE PERSON, you like after a few dates/weeks so you can really try to make things work? Why is that so rare these days?

 

Your living in a world where things should be like you say. Today it's not like that. Everything goes. I too do this also because yes they're all doing it to. You ask one out they cancel you have a second one you ask them out the cancel you just keep going down the list. I say 3 women per man. The women might have 10 guys before they get to you. See the ratio difference.

 

Nice guys are getting smarter and becoming more than nice. They have to be more than nice otherwise these women will steam roller over them. Confident Guy makes better waves with women. You have to be one step ahead of the game they play with you.

[BluesPower]

You young guys just don't get it at all, sorry...

 

Sure you can do that if you want. But sorry guys I never multi-dated, I just had multiple Girl Friends. And most of them were exclusive with me.

 

You boys must be doing something wrong. I could and have called any of them at a moments notice to go to dinner and whatever and of course have a wonderful evening together, cook her a great breakfast the next morning and out the door, till next time.

 

And here is the deal with all of that, at some point it gets BORING...

 

It turns out that one really good GF, especially if you are in love, is more fun overall and way less trouble.

 

I'm just saying...

[DashRiprock]

What about you? Is your objection based on theory, or did you try it and have a bad experience?

 

Back in March I was dating 4 women at once. Because so many I was seeing were multi-dating me, I felt I almost "had" to. It was exhausting, time consuming and cost a lot of $$. NONE of them panned out. I workout 3-4x/week, play baseball one night, have a large Doberman that needs a lot of exercise, I run, bike, own a business, and I have other interests. I guess this goes back to my original post in that how on earth do people find time to do this, date 3-4 at a time, unless they don't have a life outside of dating? And that's seeing each person only once a week. Once I like someone after a few dates I like to up it to maybe twice. So now you're starting to double-book yourself. Remind me when I eat and sleep again, lol.

 

It hardly seems an efficient way of finding a decent person to spend time with.

 

BTW, I'm over 40. I do date younger women because I can, but now I'm thinking that may be the problem as the maturity is just not there. They seem more focused on running the "tournament", always looking for the upgrade, and seeing as many people as possible. A number of them have confided that they've frequently ended up with alcoholics, abusers, etc. The winner of the multi-dating tourney, evidently. Validates my thoughts that men who are the real deal and have a lot to offer won't stick with women who is are still seeing a trove of men 6-8 weeks in.

[dangerous]

Why limit yourself? Those with options will exercise them. I'm dating multiple women right now as well.

 

Sorry, but dating is competitive. I know its not "heart warming" to look at it that way, but its the truth. When you focus on just one person, you put yourself at a disadvantage and waste valuable time. It also puts you in "audition mode" instead of "judgement mode".

 

When you're dating, you want to be in a position of judging more than auditioning. You want to be sitting back in your chair, curling your goatee and deciding which woman you like the most. You don't want to be desperately pursing a woman and paranoid about where the relationship will go. Not a good place to be bro.

 

I agree with the multi-dating approach - but in the early stages. You then realise that you want to be with someone because you now know enough about eachother to give it a try - and exclusivity feels right.

 

Sure, there are many people who prefer exclusivity from the first date, but personally I wouldn't give up my options until I got the know the person and 'felt it'.

[Miss Spider]

I don't know. I tried multidating, or at least talking to several guys at once, but it's a waste of time for me. I only get interested/attracted to in 1 guy at a time and invest all my interest there, so talking to others because more like hassle. It's a chore, and I have 0 invested in them so it's not even like they're a viable "fall back" option(if that were morally right to do). guess I'm just more monogamously-wired, for lack of a better way to put it, so women who juggle lots of guys and can't choose between them intrigue me...I guess it is the best technique if it works

 

 

Oops I'm so sorry I resurrected this thread from a month ago. Sorry... I was searching and didn't realize

Edited July 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[SammySammy]

It's very simple. Why don't you have just one male friend?

 

Some of us have fishing buddies, hunting buddies, car enthusiast buddies, sports buddies, club buddies, and so forth. Sometimes they are the same guy, but sometimes they aren't. All of the guys I go deep sea fishing with don't like my Dallas Cowboys.

 

It's the same thing with women. Y'all have to stop thinking of women as some magical beasts that you can't figure out. They just people. And we're capable of having real relationships with more than one. AT THE SAME TIME!

 

It's possible. Actually, it's very easy. As CPA said, the more you do it the better you get at it.

 

The sexual component doesn't have to complicate things. If you're discreet, honest, and fastidious about protection, some women don't mind having an "understanding" with a man. Heck, some of them don't want to be tied down either. They just have needs sometimes. And will call the right guy to fulfill those needs.

 

Just as I don't think it's necessary to have only one male friend, I don't think it's advisable for any single male to have just one female ... friend. It will help a lot of you that struggle with dating to overcome many of the issues you have in that area.

[Lil-Miss-Anthropy]

Is this a new development? I had thought that it was typical for a person to date several people casually before deciding on the best one. It's only a red flag for me if they've gotten to know me enough to decide if they like me, and they continue to see other people. Once someone gets to know how great you are, they'll choose you and let go of the others if they're someone worth dating. If not, then they weren't that great to begin with.

 

I personally can get very attached early on and will sometimes force myself to see other people before I can determine if the potential suitor is really worth falling for. Like MightyCPA explained, seeing other people helps give you perspective so you can be sure that you're making the right choice.

 

MightyCPA, with all due respect, I could not disagree more with your post. It sounds like you're approaching this topic from an extremely left-brained approach almost like you're developing some sort of algorithm or statistical analysis tool.

 

It's not as easy as looking a guy's OPS, batting average, or WAR and saying he's a great baseball player.

 

Emotion, which cannot be measured by some sort of analytical tool, is the fuel of life, not cool logic. The heart rules the head--always.

 

To this, I have to say that neither heart nor head functions properly when left to rule on its own. Love is not always enough to form a relationship. There needs to be an objective evaluation of whether the person is worth the investment if you're looking for something long-term.

 

That said, for some people the better choice is one-at-a-time dating. Some people do need to make greater investments in the people they're dating and allow themselves to be more vulnerable if they are to succeed.

 

Sorry for the necropost! (:

[DashRiprock]

Unless a person has ZERO going on in their personal life outside of dating, who in this day and age has time to date 3-4 people at once considering you need to see each person 1-2x week to make any progress??? That in an of itself--a person having no other interests, hobbies, friends, or activities to partake in besides "dating"--would be a BIG red flag.

 

Hey, more power to all the multi-daters out there, but I'm a business owner, play baseball, workout 5x week, run, hike, bike, have friends I do things with, have a dog that needs 3-4 miles day of exercise, and I also have other interests.

 

Sooooo, I guess I'll just never be one to join the professional dating league of multi-daters.

[The411]

Back in March I was dating 4 women at once. Because so many I was seeing were multi-dating me, I felt I almost "had" to. It was exhausting, time consuming and cost a lot of $$. NONE of them panned out. I workout 3-4x/week, play baseball one night, have a large Doberman that needs a lot of exercise, I run, bike, own a business, and I have other interests. I guess this goes back to my original post in that how on earth do people find time to do this, date 3-4 at a time, unless they don't have a life outside of dating? And that's seeing each person only once a week. Once I like someone after a few dates I like to up it to maybe twice. So now you're starting to double-book yourself. Remind me when I eat and sleep again, lol.

 

It hardly seems an efficient way of finding a decent person to spend time with.

 

BTW, I'm over 40. I do date younger women because I can, but now I'm thinking that may be the problem as the maturity is just not there. They seem more focused on running the "tournament", always looking for the upgrade, and seeing as many people as possible. A number of them have confided that they've frequently ended up with alcoholics, abusers, etc. The winner of the multi-dating tourney, evidently. Validates my thoughts that men who are the real deal and have a lot to offer won't stick with women who is are still seeing a trove of men 6-8 weeks in.

 

Dash, you have to focus on what you want to spend time on. The purpose of multi-dating has to do with preventing yourself from locking onto a woman too quickly and sub consciously communicating neediness and outcome dependency.

Most guys don't realize that they give off a vibe neediness when they focus on on one women.

 

The other reason is that a man's value to woman is predicated on his desirability to other women. If you are dating 3-4 women they can sense that you have greater value because you project an air of nonchalance. You may like one above the four but since you aren't committing you still hold greater value because knows she could still lose you. (Think about the scene in A Beautiful Mind with Russell Crow explaining which girl to pick)