Lillyp32 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 I've been seeing a guy for a little over 3 months now. I've also been sleeping with him. I recently found out that he's began seeing someone else. I was a little taken a back by this and I also asked him about it. He was honest and assumed that I was also seeing others which I haven't been. Now, it was extremely stupid on my part to assume that he wasn't seeing other people. I guess I assumed that he wasn't because we've been having sex. Dumb on my part. I talked to some friends about it and decided to continue seeing him but also start seeing others as well. Anyways, this girl he's been seeing has been posting comments on his FB page calling him babe and baby. The fist time she did that, he flat out deleted his posts. I'm assuming he didn't want me to see it or to see how "serious" they're getting. The past couple of times he hasn't deleted the posts but has liked all other comments from his friends on those posts and ignored hers. Again, enter my stupidity. I again made my own assumptions and thought that maybe she's just sort of clingy and that she was taking the relationship more seriously than he was. This all happened within the last couple of weeks. This past Friday, he texted me and invited me to lunch. We went on our date and then went back to his place. He had just moved on a couple days before and I wanted to see it. We ended up having sex. Stupid me I know. I saw him again yesterday, no sex, just a quick visit and then I wake up this morning to a text from a mutual FB friend of this girl he's seeing saying that this girl changed her relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship" last night. She did not put that she was in a relationship with him but my gut says that they are now together. Here comes my question. Do I confront him about this or just block and move on? I mean, I'm pissed that I slept with him just a couple of days ago and that he didn't tell me how serious he was with this other girl. It makes me feel guilty for doing that to her and extremely used by him. It makes me want to tell him off but I don't know if he even deserves to hear a word from me. I know that he will contact me again. Should I wait until then to say something? I honestly feel so stupid about all of this. Every bit of it. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 I don't condone this but in my mind if you want him to pay for his dishonesty and didn't bother to end things with you....maybe send I nice message to his new prospect that he is seeing you too and give her a warning that he is no one woman man. 1
Author Lillyp32 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 I don't condone this but in my mind if you want him to pay for his dishonesty and didn't bother to end things with you....maybe send I nice message to his new prospect that he is seeing you too and give her a warning that he is no one woman man. I've thought about doing this but I can't bring myself to follow through. I'd personally prefer to avoid the drama.
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 I've thought about doing this but I can't bring myself to follow through. I'd personally prefer to avoid the drama. OK then use the silence treatment....silence from you will certainly get the message across to him. Block your FB page, kick him off your social media, delete/block his number....completely erase him. 1
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 I've thought about doing this but I can't bring myself to follow through. I'd personally prefer to avoid the drama. Just a note for you Lilly....if you don't stand up for yourself, people will continue to lie and take advantage of you. This is why he hand picked you. 2
Author Lillyp32 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 Just a note for you Lilly....if you don't stand up for yourself, people will continue to lie and take advantage of you. This is why he hand picked you. Yes I know. That's why I was considering giving him a peice of my mind and then blocking him. I saw that as standing up for myself and letting him know that i wasn't going to put up with it. This all just really sucks. I liked him a lot. Stupid me
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Yes I know. That's why I was considering giving him a peice of my mind and then blocking him. I saw that as standing up for myself and letting him know that i wasn't going to put up with it. This all just really sucks. I liked him a lot. Stupid me You are not stupid. Him being a jerk doesn't make you stupid. If you wish to give him a piece of your mind (if it will make you feel better) then do it...just don't look for or read a response....that will give you the last word.
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 BTW what happened to you happened to all of us at one time or another. It will make you much wiser.
mightycpa Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 (edited) You're basing everything you want to do on your assumptions. I wonder if he changed his relationship status on FB too? He was honest with you, maybe he was honest with her too, and she was seeing other people, and now she's not. And the silent treatment? Nuke a relationship with a guy you've been having sex with because of what you think? Are we in middle school? Besides the general lack of character that this move would betray about you, it's a dumb move because it takes a lot of energy to maintain the silent treatment in the short term, on both people's part. He's going to contact you because he has no idea what's in your head and then you're going to spend all of this effort ignoring him. Or, he'll take the hint and you're going to spend your nights and days wondering if/when he's going to try to get in touch with you. Women are always accused of talking too much, but so many of them resort to this. It is mystifying. Frankly, if you can't speak honestly with this guy about your feelings, your expectations and your suspicions then you really shouldn't be having sex with him. Let's say you're right about him, he's now her boyfriend. Give him a chance to contact you and tell you so. Or maybe he'll contact you and won't say anything. That's when you do the adult thing. You say exactly what you've said here, that one of your friends told you that the girl he's been seing is now in a relationship. Then ask your question. Then, if you want to rant, cry, vent, yell, whatever, then go for it and be done with it. Or maybe he'll tell you that she dumped him. Because you have no idea. At least after that, you won't wonder, and he won't contact you again unless you want him to. Edited June 4, 2017 by mightycpa
SoleMate Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 I don't even see where he's been dishonest. He's been seeing and * #$%^ing more than 1 woman at a time and admitted that forthrightly when you asked. I can't fault him there. You admit that you should have asked him before diving into the deep end. And with the new chick....again, what has he done wrong? If you were to confront, what would you use as the accusation? It's totally your right to ghost on him, but honestly I wouldn't.....I think it will nag at you if you do so, As mentioned above, the energy you need to bring to a achieve full ghosting with someone who's recently been in your bed will be wearing on you. Maybe just let him know straight up: "I'm hurt that you're seeing other women. I wanted us to be exclusive. I know I made a big mistake assuming we were. You've done nothing wrong, I just feel bad about this generally." Not saying you'll get exclusivity out of that talk, but you will most likely get listened to and hear his thoughts as well. Heck, you could even ask him for advice as to what he would do in your shoes. That's a great way to get thoughtful advice which may serve you well for next time. 2
Author Lillyp32 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 You're basing everything you want to do on your assumptions. I wonder if he changed his relationship status on FB too? He was honest with you, maybe he was honest with her too, and she was seeing other people, and now she's not. And the silent treatment? Nuke a relationship with a guy you've been having sex with because of what you think? Are we in middle school? Besides the general lack of character that this move would betray about you, it's a dumb move because it takes a lot of energy to maintain the silent treatment in the short term, on both people's part. He's going to contact you because he has no idea what's in your head and then you're going to spend all of this effort ignoring him. Or, he'll take the hint and you're going to spend your nights and days wondering if/when he's going to try to get in touch with you. Women are always accused of talking too much, but so many of them resort to this. It is mystifying. Frankly, if you can't speak honestly with this guy about your feelings, your expectations and your suspicions then you really shouldn't be having sex with him. Let's say you're right about him, he's now her boyfriend. Give him a chance to contact you and tell you so. Or maybe he'll contact you and won't say anything. That's when you do the adult thing. You say exactly what you've said here, that one of your friends told you that the girl he's been seing is now in a relationship. Then ask your question. Then, if you want to rant, cry, vent, yell, whatever, then go for it and be done with it. At least after that, you won't wonder, and he won't pester you. Look, I have absolutely no issue speaking my feelings to him or anyone for that matter. I don't really appreciate the demeaning nature of your post. It was completely uncalled for.
Maggie4 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 For now, don't think about having slept with him. You work that out between you and yourself. This guy, do you want him? If you do, tell him (nicely, no anger) that you want to be exclusive, that you are serious, and you want him to stop seeing other people, and that if he doesn't want the same thing then it ends there, no more contact. If he says he wants that too, believe him. If he says he's not ready, then wish him well and don't reply to him again. 1
mightycpa Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Look, I have absolutely no issue speaking my feelings to him or anyone for that matter. I don't really appreciate the demeaning nature of your post. It was completely uncalled for.Hmmm.... maybe I misunderstood what you meant by "just block and move on." If you're capable of expressing yourself, then why wouldn't you automatically give the guy a chance to explain, or maybe just tell you the truth next time he contacts you without you asking him? Unless you know more than you're saying, then you don't know what's going on. Why would giving the guy you're having sex with a chance to show you his true character even be at issue? Again, mystifying. I've changed my mind. You should block and move on.
Author Lillyp32 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 Hmmm.... maybe I misunderstood what you meant by "just block and move on." If you're capable of expressing yourself, then why wouldn't you automatically give the guy a chance to explain, or maybe just tell you the truth next time he contacts you without you asking him? Unless you know more than you're saying, then you don't know what's going on. Why would giving the guy you're having sex with a chance to show you his true character even be at issue? Again, mystifying. I've changed my mind. You should block and move on. I don't know more than I'm saying. I asked because I'm getting conflicting advice from friends. I've got no idea how to handle these situations. In fact, this was my first "dating" experience since I left my ex husband a year ago. I've never actually really dated before. I was married at 18 and am now 34. I'm sorry if you feel as if I am some sort of immature middle school girl. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. I clearly started the whole relationship off wrong. I feel stupid for that. Even more so after your posts.
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 You are thinking of breaking up with him because of an action she took? That makes no sense. You & all your friends are making assumptions. I'm not saying you are completely wrong in your line of thinking but since there is a possibility that this girl thinks there is more to her relationship with your mutual guy, I think simply bailing on him will leave him confused. There is also no reason to confront him (which is aggressive) but there is a great reason to talk to him. Tell him what you saw. Tell him you want exclusivity & that this other girl has to go. See what she says. If you would be willing to dating him once she's out of the picture, I don't understand why you won't even try to make that happen & either want to vent or disappear. He was never dishonest with you but you haven't been asking the right Qs.
Author Lillyp32 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 You are thinking of breaking up with him because of an action she took? That makes no sense. You & all your friends are making assumptions. I'm not saying you are completely wrong in your line of thinking but since there is a possibility that this girl thinks there is more to her relationship with your mutual guy, I think simply bailing on him will leave him confused. There is also no reason to confront him (which is aggressive) but there is a great reason to talk to him. Tell him what you saw. Tell him you want exclusivity & that this other girl has to go. See what she says. If you would be willing to dating him once she's out of the picture, I don't understand why you won't even try to make that happen & either want to vent or disappear. He was never dishonest with you but you haven't been asking the right Qs. I agree with you and confront was just a poor choice of words. By confront I meant ask about it. My friends can be very over protective of me, especially since I put up with such poor treatment from my ex for so many years. They jumped right to, "he's a jerk. You deserve better. Don't talk to him." It made me wonder if my original attitude towards the whole thing was me being too passive. That's why I came here. I figured getting opinions of people who weren't close to me would be a bit more objective. I do however feel that IF they are now exclusive that him sleeping with me just 2 days ago was wrong on his part. He would've clearly known the level of seriousness of their relationship and also known where he wanted it to go and I feel like disclosing that to me would've been the right thing to do. At least that's what I would've done in his situation. Instead he takes me to lunch, sleeps with me and then asks about us getting together this week. Just doesn't seem right. Almost like leading me on. Or maybe I'm wrong there too?
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 If he was considering being exclusive with her, it was wrong of him to sleep with you. I definitely think you need to talk to him. Odds are he is the cad that you suspect but since there is a possibility that he's trying to chose you over the woman who changed her status you can't make assumptions. It's possible (unlikely but possible) that she is now in a relationship with somebody else. You never know. If he says he picked her, yell (a little) to stick up for yourself but walk away with your head held high.
Author Lillyp32 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 If he was considering being exclusive with her, it was wrong of him to sleep with you. I definitely think you need to talk to him. Odds are he is the cad that you suspect but since there is a possibility that he's trying to chose you over the woman who changed her status you can't make assumptions. It's possible (unlikely but possible) that she is now in a relationship with somebody else. You never know. If he says he picked her, yell (a little) to stick up for yourself but walk away with your head held high. Thank you. I was on the same line of thinking until I ran it by my friends. Should I wait for him to contact me and then ask about it? Or reach out first and ask? Not really sure how to go about that part.
starrynight4321 Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 This situation is the primo example of how annoying the dating world is now, and that no matter what people tell you, you shouldn't agree to sex without exclusivity unless you're fine with things being casual, him sleeping with other women, and exactly this situation, where you're potentially being kept around for sex, but lingering at the side while he pursues other women. Or, he could just be sleeping with both of you with no further intentions. I know the popular thing nowadays if for everyone to collectively pretend that they don't care if the person they're seeing is dating others, sleeping with others, etc and that magically, somehow people have no feelings until they have the label of exclusivity tacked on one day. But in the real world, it just doesn't work that way for most people. Unfortunately, you assumed you were both exclusive while he's been out doing his thing. Truth be told, he never told you that he was only dating you, but this is why you have to be the one to set those boundaries with men you date. Either way, you have to talk to him. Don't wait around and be his sex toy while he has his cake and eats it too. First and foremost, STOP having sex with him. Second, you should just talk to him - you've been dating for 3 months. To be completely honest, the fact that you AREN'T exclusive at this point is a red flag in itself. If he doesn't know by now that he wants to be exclusive, then he doesn't. If you've been dating for 3 months and he's still dating others, then the harsh truth is that he's keeping you around but also continuing to look for other options. Don't be his option. You have to take the initiative because he definitely isn't going to. Just ask him hey, what's the deal here? Don't put yourself in a situation where you've been putting all this time and energy into someone who is putting their time and energy into 4 other people. 2
coolheadal Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) I've been seeing a guy for a little over 3 months now. I've also been sleeping with him. I recently found out that he's began seeing someone else. I was a little taken a back by this and I also asked him about it. He was honest and assumed that I was also seeing others which I haven't been. Now, it was extremely stupid on my part to assume that he wasn't seeing other people. I guess I assumed that he wasn't because we've been having sex. Dumb on my part. I talked to some friends about it and decided to continue seeing him but also start seeing others as well. Anyways, this girl he's been seeing has been posting comments on his FB page calling him babe and baby. The fist time she did that, he flat out deleted his posts. I'm assuming he didn't want me to see it or to see how "serious" they're getting. The past couple of times he hasn't deleted the posts but has liked all other comments from his friends on those posts and ignored hers. Again, enter my stupidity. I again made my own assumptions and thought that maybe she's just sort of clingy and that she was taking the relationship more seriously than he was. This all happened within the last couple of weeks. This past Friday, he texted me and invited me to lunch. We went on our date and then went back to his place. He had just moved on a couple days before and I wanted to see it. We ended up having sex. Stupid me I know. I saw him again yesterday, no sex, just a quick visit and then I wake up this morning to a text from a mutual FB friend of this girl he's seeing saying that this girl changed her relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship" last night. She did not put that she was in a relationship with him but my gut says that they are now together. Here comes my question. Do I confront him about this or just block and move on? I mean, I'm pissed that I slept with him just a couple of days ago and that he didn't tell me how serious he was with this other girl. It makes me feel guilty for doing that to her and extremely used by him. It makes me want to tell him off but I don't know if he even deserves to hear a word from me. I know that he will contact me again. Should I wait until then to say something? I honestly feel so stupid about all of this. Every bit of it. Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Your willingness to have sex with him is on you, now that you have found out he has you on the side and this other women too. You need to stop having sex with him he's cheating on you and why in the world do you want sloppy seconds. How are you thinking about all of this. He's not finished with you and made up his mind to be with this other woman and not you. Your friends are giving you the wrong advise, and your just listening and doing without thinking. Stop dropping your panties down for this guy he's not worth what you have to give him. Now you need to get over this and block and don't even make a contact with him. He's going to do the same thing over and over again. Your not a backup for him. You want to settle down one day with a guy that won't pull this crap on you again. Edited June 5, 2017 by coolheadal 2
BluEyeL Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Just don't sleep with men before exclusivity. Just let him go and be wiser next time.
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Thank you. I was on the same line of thinking until I ran it by my friends. Should I wait for him to contact me and then ask about it? Or reach out first and ask? Not really sure how to go about that part. Waiting for him to contact you is passive & since it may never happen you have to take initiative. Call him up & say you have some Qs. Then ask about the other woman & what her status change means. Also tell him you want exclusivity. See what he says. If you don't like the answers, walk away. Don't beg. Don't plead. Just state what you want & vote with your feet if you don't get it.
JuneL Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 You should have cut him off the moment you knew he was not exclusive with you, and should have told him to get in touch only when he wants exclusivity then. 4
Author Lillyp32 Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 Your willingness to have sex with him is on you, now that you have found out he has you on the side and this other women too. You need to stop having sex with him he's cheating on you and why in the world do you want sloppy seconds. How are you thinking about all of this. He's not finished with you and made up his mind to be with this other woman and not you. Your friends are giving you the wrong advise, and your just listening and doing without thinking. Stop dropping your panties down for this guy he's not worth what you have to give him. Now you need to get over this and block and don't even make a contact with him. He's going to do the same thing over and over again. Your not a backup for him. You want to settle down one day with a guy that won't pull this crap on you again. This advice was exactly what I was getting from my friends. Block him and move on because he's not worthy of me or my time.
Author Lillyp32 Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 This situation is the primo example of how annoying the dating world is now, and that no matter what people tell you, you shouldn't agree to sex without exclusivity unless you're fine with things being casual, him sleeping with other women, and exactly this situation, where you're potentially being kept around for sex, but lingering at the side while he pursues other women. Or, he could just be sleeping with both of you with no further intentions. I know the popular thing nowadays if for everyone to collectively pretend that they don't care if the person they're seeing is dating others, sleeping with others, etc and that magically, somehow people have no feelings until they have the label of exclusivity tacked on one day. But in the real world, it just doesn't work that way for most people. Unfortunately, you assumed you were both exclusive while he's been out doing his thing. Truth be told, he never told you that he was only dating you, but this is why you have to be the one to set those boundaries with men you date. Either way, you have to talk to him. Don't wait around and be his sex toy while he has his cake and eats it too. First and foremost, STOP having sex with him. Second, you should just talk to him - you've been dating for 3 months. To be completely honest, the fact that you AREN'T exclusive at this point is a red flag in itself. If he doesn't know by now that he wants to be exclusive, then he doesn't. If you've been dating for 3 months and he's still dating others, then the harsh truth is that he's keeping you around but also continuing to look for other options. Don't be his option. You have to take the initiative because he definitely isn't going to. Just ask him hey, what's the deal here? Don't put yourself in a situation where you've been putting all this time and energy into someone who is putting their time and energy into 4 other people. I agree with this 100%. I guess I assumed he wasn't seeing anyone else because we had been dating for 3 months. The fact that he is seeing someone else shows exactly where I stand with him. i guess I'll take this dating experience as a hard lesson learned. I'll be much wiser next time.
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