M_abrc Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 I dated a guy for 6 months and we have been in a formal relationship for 2 months. The problem is, we fight over very small and stupid things at least 2 times a week. For things like he getting angry because I didn't change my profile photo or because I slept too much during our trip. He even got angry once because I picked the phone while I was with him. Yesterday we had a fight because he was too tired of work and I told him that he was not paying me attention and I felt that didn't want to be there. But other times things are great and we are even planning a trip to Europe in August and we will live together for 2 months and half. I have cried a lot of times in front of him and him once in front of me. I know I can be very irritating and rude sometimes but he make a big deal about everything.
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 He's a control freak....get out NOW! I can't stress this enough....this is very unhealthy behavior. And you my dear don't know how to handle stressful situations properly...you need to learn to be patient and calmly talk things out. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 In my experience, fighting early on is indeed a bad sign. You've only been seeing each other 6 months; fighting twice a week is far too frequently. Can you give more context? Why was he angry that you didn't change your profile photo? And that you answered your phone when you were with him? It might be one thing if you were having a serious conversation with him or a romantic date and you took a non-urgent call from a friend or some such thing, but if you just answered on a casual occasion and he freaked - big red flag. 1
Author M_abrc Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 In my experience, fighting early on is indeed a bad sign. You've only been seeing each other 6 months; fighting twice a week is far too frequently. Can you give more context? Why was he angry that you didn't change your profile photo? And that you answered your phone when you were with him? It might be one thing if you were having a serious conversation with him or a romantic date and you took a non-urgent call from a friend or some such thing, but if you just answered on a casual occasion and he freaked - big red flag. Yes, he was angry because he believes that I am not letting the world know that I am with him, so he was angry because I did not have a photo of us and he did have one. Also, he is very jealous and believes that I am going to change him for someone "better" and about the call, he was fighting with me and was quiet all the way home so I picked a call of a friend that lives in other country and told me that he felt like a taxi.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Yes, he was angry because he believes that I am not letting the world know that I am with him, so he was angry because I did not have a photo of us and he did have one. Also, he is very jealous and believes that I am going to change him for someone "better" and about the call, he was fighting with me and was quiet all the way home so I picked a call of a friend that lives in other country and told me that he felt like a taxi. This is a significant red flag, OP. Unless you have somehow really betrayed his trust (and it doesn't appear you have done so, whatsoever) men who are jealous and angry like this are bad news and often very controlling and manipulative. Some are abusive. You're already seeing troubling behaviour. Speaking from experience, I would not date a man like this again. My ex was very similar and trust me when I say it got worse - much worse. 1
Author M_abrc Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 This is a significant red flag, OP. Unless you have somehow really betrayed his trust (and it doesn't appear you have done so, whatsoever) men who are jealous and angry like this are bad news and often very controlling and manipulative. Some are abusive. You're already seeing troubling behaviour. Speaking from experience, I would not date a man like this again. My ex was very similar and trust me when I say it got worse - much worse. I have never done anything for him to distrust of me, I am a very calm person and mostly go out with him and female friends. He was cheated on the past and I have told him a lot of times that if he does not change I will leave very fast and he promised me that he is thrusting me and I can see that is getting better but we still fight over other things. Can I ask you what kind of things your ex did?
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 His knit picking over how you over slept has nothing to do with him having trust issues....him being cheated on is a cop out. He has a whole lot going wrong with him. If his ex did cheat....not condoning it, but him being controlling may have been the reason why she used cheating as an escape. I understand you don't want to walk, but there is a time when all solutions have ran out, and there is not other course of action.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 (edited) I have never done anything for him to distrust of me, I am a very calm person and mostly go out with him and female friends. He was cheated on the past and I have told him a lot of times that if he does not change I will leave very fast and he promised me that he is thrusting me and I can see that is getting better but we still fight over other things. Can I ask you what kind of things your ex did? He wanted to go through my phone (I refused) Then my social media (I refused that, too) He tried to control what I did when I wasn't around him (say, going out for a glass of wine with girlfriends) and became very upset when I didn't follow his orders. He wanted to cut me off from my friends, becasue they were "bad influences". Male friends? Forget it. He even lost his mind once because he saw a guy commenting on several of my Facebook photos; had he bothered to ask me first before freaking out he would have discovered this "interested" man was in fact my cousin. In short, he became very verbally and emotionally abusive. When it turned physical, I finally left. He too played the "I've been cheated on!" card. But guess what? So had I. And I certainly didn't punish him for another man's bad behaviour. That is an excuse and please don't accept it. Plenty of people are cheated on, but that is no reason to be an angry jerk to a partner who had no part of it. If they have not learned to deal with the pain of betrayal in a healthier way, they should not be dating. On breaking up with this tool, I actually discovered that his ex had not cheated on him - it was the other way around! He was unfaithful to me too. There was a lot of projection going on, I later learned. Bottom line, I can nearly promise you these red flags you're seeing already are signs of worse to come. Out of curiosity, how did you meet him? And how old are you both? Edited June 4, 2017 by ExpatInItaly 1
Maggie4 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 You have to completely change the way you communicate. Usually people fight because they feel unappreciated, disrespected, unloved, ignored. But these perceptions are usually inaccurate. An adult should not throw a tantrum for attention. He should have self awareness and tolerance, be able to communicate needs and be able to listen to what the other person needs. It seems you are not understanding each other's needs. Better try something different or else this can't last.
Author M_abrc Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 He wanted to go through my phone (I refused) Then my social media (I refused that, too) He tried to control what I did when I wasn't around him (say, going out for a glass of wine with girlfriends) and became very upset when I didn't follow his orders. He wanted to cut me off from my friends, becasue they were "bad influences". Male friends? Forget it. He even lost his mind once because he saw a guy commenting on several of my Facebook photos; had he bothered to ask me first before freaking out he would have discovered this "interested" man was in fact my cousin. In short, he became very verbally and emotionally abusive. When it turned physical, I finally left. He too played the "I've been cheated on!" card. But guess what? So had I. And I certainly didn't punish him for another man's bad behaviour. That is an excuse and please don't accept it. Plenty of people are cheated on, but that is no reason to be an angry jerk to a partner who had no part of it. If they have not learned to deal with the pain of betrayal in a healthier way, they should not be dating. On breaking up with this tool, I actually discovered that his ex had not cheated on him - it was the other way around! He was unfaithful to me too. There was a lot of projection going on, I later learned. Bottom line, I can nearly promise you these red flags you're seeing already are signs of worse to come. Out of curiosity, how did you meet him? And how old are you both? Wow, I do not want that to happen to me honestly ): I am sorry for what happened to you, that seems like a hell. I met him at the birthday party of one friend and I am 20 and he is 22.
GemmaUK Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Run as fast as you can from this guy. This will only get worse. 4
BaileyB Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 (edited) No, it's definitely not normal. And, it sounds like a terrible way to live your life. I've been dating a guy for a year now and we have fought twice in a year. I don't even know that you could actually even say that it was a "fight." He doesn't tell me what to do, we don't get upset over the little things, and I have never cried in front of him or because of him. I would definitely NOT be making any commitments like planning a trip to Europe or planning to live with this guy anytime soon. What you have described has UNHEALTHY written all over it. Edited June 4, 2017 by BaileyB
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 That is not normal at all. The first few months in should be all hearts & flowers none of this drama. He's insecure because EX's cheated on him & he's punishing you. That is not fair. He has to fix that on his own & probably won't listen to you that it's even a problem. Stay at your own risk. This will get worse, not better. 1
Downtown Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 M, I agree with ExPat that "these red flags you're seeing already are signs of worse to come." The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling attitude, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, inability to trust, low self esteem, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I dated a guy for 6 months and we have been in a formal relationship for 2 months.If your BF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent traits), it is very unlikely that he displayed those traits at the beginning of your R/S. A BPDer's infatuation will convince him that you are the nearly perfect woman who has arrived to rescue him from unhappiness. In this way, his infatuation holds his two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay, because he is convinced you pose no threat to either fear. When the infatuation starts evaporating, however, both fears will return and you will start triggering them. This typically happens about 4 to 6 months into the R/S. The problem is, we fight over very small and stupid things at least 2 times a week.Does he fight like that with his casual friends and business associates? I ask because, if he is a BPDer, it is very unlikely that he does. The vast majority of BPDers are "high functioning," i.e., they usually get along fine with casual friends, clients, business associates, and total strangers. None of those people pose a threat to the BPDer's two fears because there is no close relationship that can be abandoned -- and there is no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. This is why BPDers typically can be considerate and friendly all day long with casual friends and strangers -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love them. But other times things are great and we are even planning a trip to Europe in August....Because BPDers are emotionally unstable, their behavior tends to be very, VERY good when they are in a good mood and very, VERY bad when they are in a bad mood. Moreover, they can be triggered -- in just ten seconds by a minor comment or action -- to flip from one polar extreme to the other. He is very jealous and believes that I am going to change him for someone "better."Like I said, if he is a BPDer, he has a great fear of abandonment. Indeed, this fear is so great that he will see signs of your intent to abandon him in the most mundane of comments or actions (e.g., your slowness in posting a photo of him on FB). Because you can never know what innocent comment will trigger this fear, you will often feel you're walking on eggshells to avoid triggering it. He promised me that he is trusting me and I can see that he is getting better but we still fight over other things.If he is a BPDer, you can expect to see him "getting better" a lot. Like the smokers who are seen throwing away their "last pack" every two months, most BPDers will be seen making dramatic improvements in their behavior periodically. That's the way unstable people behave. After all, even a roller coaster will be seen moving upward half the time. He was cheated on the past.Of course he was. But that's true for the vast majority of adults on the planet. Hence, if he exhibits a strong fear of abandonment (e.g., the irrational jealousy you describe), it likely originated with his family experiences in early childhood -- not with a disloyal exGF in his early twenties. He was fighting with me and was quiet all the way home so I picked a call of a friend that lives in other country and told me that he felt like a taxi.If he is a BPDer, he is super-sensitive and easily offended. This occurs because, like young children, BPDers are unable to regulate their emotions very well. The result is that they often experience very intense feelings that distort their perceptions of other peoples' feelings and intentions. At times, these misinterpretations can be so strange and out of place that the behavior appears paranoid. This is why paranoia is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Indeed, BPDers typically are so easily offended by remarks from loved ones that this oversensitivity is sometimes referred to as "emotional hemorrhaging." With my exW and her two sisters, for example, someone could tell a joke six times and everybody would burst out laughing. On the seventh time, however, the very same joke could easily offend one of them. The result was that it was common for two of the sisters to not speak with the third for several months. Then everything was okay again for many months until one of them said some minor thing that triggered the hurt and anger again. Wow, I do not want that to happen to me.For your own protection, I suggest that you learn how to spot BPD warning signs so you know what to look for. Of course, spotting these red flags will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., remaining in a toxic R/S or running into the arms of another man just like him. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your BF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. Moreover, Salparadise provides an insightful, concise description of what it's like to live with a BPDer for many years in his post at 23 Year Experience. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to join ExPat and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, M.
Author M_abrc Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 I finally broke up with him. He got angry because I told him I was going to a concert with friends and told me that I was not saving money for the trip to Europe and that I was taking advantage of his money.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I finally broke up with him. He got angry because I told him I was going to a concert with friends and told me that I was not saving money for the trip to Europe and that I was taking advantage of his money. For the best. You're still young. Honestly, you both sound pretty high strung, so maybe you should look for a more passive partner?
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