Wonder10 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 I met this man about 13 years ago. We immediately connected, had amazing chemistry and so much in common. ....I wasn't looking for anything really serious at the time but was so into him. ...Problem was he was a complete workaholic. Things got kind of off and on because for him life was just about work... Soon someone came into my life and overtook my time 24/7 and I end up in a 6 year relationship that I should've gotten out of after six months. Even still, the guy didn't stop contacting me. The longest I didn't hear from him was almost a year right after I got into the six year relationship. Right now we mostly text back and forth. If he hasn't heard from me in a few days he will start texting and call if I don't respond. If I sent him a text right now he would reply within seconds... He always keeps up with what's going in in my life and I do his. We will see each other every few months... we live about thirty minutes apart. This man is now mid fifties , never married and no kids. He is 100% a workaholic. I'm late forties, no kids and also pretty much just work. I gave up a long time ago thinking a relationship was possible because of his extreme work habits.....but what's his deal? Why does he always stay in contact, know a lot of what's going on in my life before I even tell him...or bother with staying in contact?? ....what exactly is he after? He isn't getting sex at this point....although we did have THE MOST AMAZING sex when we were together ... What do you think are his motives?? ...Sadly, he's the only guy I've ever felt really connected to on so many levels plus had amazing chemistry with....but it just seems impossible to compete with work. Why, after all these years....does he still always stay in touch? ...what could he possibly be wanting? This has gone on a long time now... I'm at a point in life that I enjoy his friendship but wanting something more...and should I just remove him from my life so he can't contact me and I won't think about him....or is there hope for him?? ... Any time I've gotten into a relationship the guy has totally consumed my extra time and I ended up in a relationship without even realizing it. Isn't that how it works? ...This is totally different. I would think if he wanted a relationship he would consume all my time or at least try to. ....I really don't know what to make of this. Any thoughts?
GemmaUK Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Any time I've gotten into a relationship the guy has totally consumed my extra time and I ended up in a relationship without even realizing it. Isn't that how it works? Crikey! That sounds incredibly unhealthy to me! That would make me feel totally smothered. Whether he might want to date you or not (he would be asking you for dates if he wanted to date you) then it sounds like your expectations of relationships aren't equal so you wouldn't be compatible - as was the case previously. If his contact is making you only think of him then cut him loose, he seems to just be wasting your time and stopping you from having head space to date and be interested in other men. 1
Author Wonder10 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 About a week ago he kept on and on wanting to see me. For hours he kept on to just meet with him. I finally agreed and we met for lunch... somehow things started coming up in the conversation and I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted in life... I even went so far as to tell him that if he wanted more then he needed to learn to incorporate work and family and friends. His life right now is literally work all the time and taking care of his business and then he moved his parents close by and he has a lot there...as I do with my parents... but he seems to be clueless about how to combine it all. At the end of the conversation I told him it was really hurtful that he seems to want someone on the side and no, he wasn't ever going to get sex from me....like I know he wants....because I'm not that stupid and have had enough hurt in life. I really didn't need think I would hear from him for a few months. I was very stern. I mean I'm just kindof sick of it... He needs to figure it out or leave me alone. Anyway, that night he starts texting how he would never hurt me and hasn't ever lied to me..and wouldn't... and all that sort of thing. I ignored him so then he calls after about thirty minutes. I told him the same on the phone ...that I'd been hurt enough in relationships and figure out what you want cause this is ridiculous. I didn't need hear from him for about four days and then here he starts texting again... just like nothing happened...??? He sent a couple texts yesterday and I've not heard from him since. What the heck? ....I know he has his hands full ...but seriously...
Author Wonder10 Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 It did make me feel smothered.... But it has literally always been that way. I'd also say that's why it hasn't ever worked. At this point I won't let anyone smother me or barely get in my life. I just can't handle the intensity people seem to want and I enjoy my life on my own. I agree that part of the problem is and has been what I've experienced and how he handles things... I've thought exactly what you've said... Is he just trying to stay in contact so I won't think about someone else? I don't know. If he can't figure out how to ask out on a normal date pretty soon I'm going to make it clear one more time and then just cut ties. This has gone on too long and it's either there or not and if he can't figure that out... Will be his loss. How much time should I give someone to figure that out??
GemmaUK Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 You've already pretty much told him to leave you alone or figure himself out and he just waits a bit and contacts you anyway so obviously has no respect for how you feel or your opinion on it. I don't think it matters why he is doing this - you are letting him continue if you keep replying. If it were me I wouldn't extend any more time limits - do what you always did and you'll get what you always got. I wouldn't give him any more time or energy starting right now. 2
mikeylo Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 He is well into his 50s and is a workaholic. Brought his parents closer and isnt making any firm plans with you. That is him. He doesnt want commitment but wants a comfort place to come and go as he pleases. If this is not what you want, then cut all contact with him as he cant give you what you want. 5
coolheadal Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 I met this man about 13 years ago. We immediately connected, had amazing chemistry and so much in common. ....I wasn't looking for anything really serious at the time but was so into him. ...Problem was he was a complete workaholic. Things got kind of off and on because for him life was just about work... Soon someone came into my life and overtook my time 24/7 and I end up in a 6 year relationship that I should've gotten out of after six months. Even still, the guy didn't stop contacting me. The longest I didn't hear from him was almost a year right after I got into the six year relationship. Right now we mostly text back and forth. If he hasn't heard from me in a few days he will start texting and call if I don't respond. If I sent him a text right now he would reply within seconds... He always keeps up with what's going in in my life and I do his. We will see each other every few months... we live about thirty minutes apart. This man is now mid fifties , never married and no kids. He is 100% a workaholic. I'm late forties, no kids and also pretty much just work. I gave up a long time ago thinking a relationship was possible because of his extreme work habits.....but what's his deal? Why does he always stay in contact, know a lot of what's going on in my life before I even tell him...or bother with staying in contact?? ....what exactly is he after? He isn't getting sex at this point....although we did have THE MOST AMAZING sex when we were together ... What do you think are his motives?? ...Sadly, he's the only guy I've ever felt really connected to on so many levels plus had amazing chemistry with....but it just seems impossible to compete with work. Why, after all these years....does he still always stay in touch? ...what could he possibly be wanting? This has gone on a long time now... I'm at a point in life that I enjoy his friendship but wanting something more...and should I just remove him from my life so he can't contact me and I won't think about him....or is there hope for him?? ... Any time I've gotten into a relationship the guy has totally consumed my extra time and I ended up in a relationship without even realizing it. Isn't that how it works? ...This is totally different. I would think if he wanted a relationship he would consume all my time or at least try to. ....I really don't know what to make of this. Any thoughts? It's like this you two are just casual (seeing each other for anything that goes even sex) You both are not there yet or will ever be more than that.
Chilli Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 lf you ask me he doesn't feel enough to make something outa this, he's had all those years, but he's only got some kinda midway thing for ya, like his best women friend or something with maybe a few benefits thrown in. lf your not happy with it the way it is l'd break contact because it's fkg with your head too much like this and l doubt it'll ever change now.
d0nnivain Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 You need better boundaries. A man shouldn't consume your whole life. Yes a new relationship takes a lot of free time but you need to have other interests & friends too. If you want a relationship with this man, tell him. I get that you tried & you said you were stern but I didn't see where you told him what you wanted just that you demanded he tell you what he wants. I would have taken a softer tact with him & said that you would like a relationship with him but you need to see him make you & the relationship a priority over work. After 13 years & his insistent contacting you I think he wants to try to incorporate you into his life. I hear you saying he's a workaholic who can't combine everything. Nowhere did you say he told you that by his words or actions. I don't see where you gave him a fair chance to try (unless you did but didn't tell us about that) 1
Maggie4 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 If he hasn't changed, he's just an older workaholic now. And you can't change him, so how will things be different the second time around? Will you be more tolerant of him not having much time for you? If so, and you want a relationship with this workaholic man, then tell him you want to try again. 1
act00 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 If it hurts when he contacts you, you need to officially "break up" and ask him not to contact you. He's set in his ways, and it seems like he would like to have the comfort of a woman around when it works for him, while he goes about his ways. I suppose this arrangement could work for some people, but it's not what you want. On the other hand, I'm wondering about your expectations. You state that you find yourself consumed with your mate 24/7, and it seems this comes at the expense of your own friends, family, hobbies, and activities that you enjoy, while you sink yourself 100% into your man's world. I find myself wondering if he's a "workaholic," or if he just maintains his normal life and routines, friendships, family, obligations, and is not diving into being all over you and your world 24/7 and fully consumed...it's called boundaries...and healthy relationships allow for differences and time apart. You don't have to be joined at the hip. Some people want that, while others feel smothered by it. You seem to be the kind of person who expects to be joined at the hip with your partner/spouse, while this guy expects you to have your own lives but also are together...and also he could be the extreme polar opposite where he wants someone around when he wants it. Like there's no meeting in the middle anywhere. My example is someone I never had a relationship with, so take this as you will. This guy was someone I met on OLD, and he was nice and we hit it off well, and we lived 10 minutes apart, and weeks went by without ever meeting, and I even expressed how ridiculous that was given how close we live, and it just kept going and going and going, and why I stuck around so long, I have no idea, but we never really saw each other in person...10 minutes! In any case, I reached a point that when he texted me, it made me feel bad. It was a disappointment because I knew there was no date on the horizon. He was dangling the carrot. I officially broke it off. When someone you haven't really met (we met twice over the course of months) contacts you and you feel bad for it, clearly this is a problem. If his contacting you hurts, you need to put a stop to it. He needs to pee or get off the potty, and at this point, I question if any changes he makes will stick long-term if he gets an ultimatum. The alternative is to accept him as friend and friend alone, and be clear about that with him.
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 He is a businessman, I'm guessing he does some kind of sales like real estate or a stockbroker? He is treating you like a business contact. Salesmen have to be charismatic in order to be successful, that's why you feel you have great chemistry, it's all part of his tactic to make people feel special, to keep them memorized, interested. He constantly sells himself to build relationships. He keeps in touch with you, like he does with his clients, part of that networking, etc. He may not get anything from you atm, but might in the future am I right? That's how he operates....it's always been about business and that how he organizes people in his life. Like most workaholics, it's about control, narcissism at it's best....maybe a sprinkle of OCD for good measure.
smackie9 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 What should you think of this?? You are being used....time to delete this contact and move on.
preraph Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 He's older and at an age when he can't just go out and find sex anytime he wants and doesn't want to make time for it anyway because he's a workaholic. So a "not anything serious" fantastic sex on call relationship was just all that will fit into his life, convenient no-strings sex, and I'm sure he'd like that back. If it were anything serious, there would have been forward movement at the time towards a bigger relationship.
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