Engaged, but feeling lonely most of the time because of his job

[perriedew]

Hello everyone,

 

I need your advice. I (29) am really sad about how life has turned out with my fiancé (33). We've been together for almost five years, and the relationship is amazing and I could never imagine to leave him. I have become extremely frustrated though about our life together. Let me explain.

 

Over two years ago, I moved thousands of kilometers to be with him. He has been working in his company for 10 years, while I'm self-employed, so it was easier for me to move. His problem is his work schedule. Until a couple of months ago, everything was okay. He's a pilot, and he only had to stay in other cities for work like 1-2x per month (the other times, he would come home afterwork). It was supposed to stay this way. Instead, everything changed, and it's gradually getting worse. Now, he sleeps in other cities about 7-14 nights a months. Additionally to that, he works every day, up to 13 hours, and has off only 9 days a month (not necessarily the weekend). They change his schedule all the time, so it's not like you know when he will be home. They spontaneously change his schedule every week, and it happens pretty often that he leaves in the morning and you think he would come back at night, but instead they change his schedule and he comes back two days later. Or worse- He left yesterday morning and was supposed to come back tonight, but instead they changed his schedule and he won't come back til Tuesday late night. Before anyone asks- Yes, I'm a 100% sure about his schedule and he's not lying to me. I have the log in to his company's intranet so I can always stay updated about changes and his schedule.

 

Basically, the problem is that I feel really lonely, and that I'm sad that we barely see each other anymore. Basically, I only see him 9 days a month, the other days he either sleeps in other cities or comes back super late (11pm or even midnight) and has to work again the next day. I'm not the biggest fan of the city (well, it's more a town) we live in, but I've gotten used to it. It's totally okay when we're together, but nowadays we're almost never together. We can never make any plans, because his company would change his schedule anyways. Also, he normally has one month holidays per year, but this year they just cancelled it (and they can even cancel them up to two weeks before the trip), so he won't even have any time off. Yes, they can do that (It's not the US).

 

My fiancé says he thinks it will get even worse in the future. He says I should just try to make friends and keep busy because he knows we will barely even see each other. I don't have many friends here, which makes me feel extra lonely. I have tried to make more friends- I've been going to yoga class, to the gym and to 'New in town' meetings (those I rare, there are literally zero meetup groups/events here for example). While I have met a couple of people, I cannot say that I really have friends. Most of them aren't even close to my age, or I didn't feel a connection with them. And even if I did have more friends here- This is not the life I envisioned for us.

 

I don't know what to do. I miss my friends in the city I lived in before (not my hometown, but I lived there for years), but living so far away, I can only see them about twice per year. I do not want to leave my fiancé, I love him so much and I can't imagine life without him. But I know that if nothing changes, this will slowly kill me. What if we have kids one day? I guess I'd be home with them 80% of the time without my fiancé. Even in the future, we will never be able to make plans, because his company constantly changes his schedule anyways.

 

I asked my fiancé to change company, but he doesn't seem to want that. Of course I don't expect him to drop everything now, but I told him that it would be nice if he could start looking for a different job, even if the actual change takes 2 or 3 years or so. I don't mind moving again, wherever it will take us, I just want more time for us (and I know for a fact that other aviation companies have way better conditions and a way better work-life-balance). He doesn't seem to want to move away because his parents live here (My parents live thousands of miles away from me, btw) and because, I don't even know why. In an international comparison, his job isn't even very well paid.

 

 

I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this thread. Maybe opinions, maybe ideas how to deal with all this? How to cope being alone most of the time?

 

Thanks for any advice.

[lana-banana]

There may be people who are satisfied with seeing their partners nine days a month, but you don't have to be one of them. You need to let him know this isn't working anymore. If he won't choose you over the job, then there's no reason to stay.

 

My fiancé and I used to work very high-paying but heinous jobs, where we had no life of our own and were expected to come in at 2 or 3 in the morning on holidays if need be. It was stressful, frustrating and, worst of all, lonely. After a year of dating we chose each other and jumped to new careers.

 

The former is the critical element. We chose each other. You can't make anyone choose you, but any partner who won't put you first is not a partner worth having.

[preraph]

Yes, it will be a problem once you have kids. It will just be you and you're self-employed so I hope he can afford a nanny to give you a break.

 

Why not occasionally fly to see him where he is if he ever is anywhere for a day long enough to do anything but sleep?

 

Also, start asking him to get tickets for your hometown friends to come visit whenever they can. Tell them they can come and stay a few days if they want but tell him you'll need his schedule so they don't intrude on his time when he is home. I mean, if I was your friend and your pilot husband would get me tickets I'd come spend at least a long weekend.

 

Don't have kids yet. Because you want to see how this shakes out once you're married.

[Popsicle]

I would date a military man who deployed a lot, so long as we got along well when he was home. I was married to a man who worked a lot and it made me get used to being alone. Unfortunately, we didn't get along well when he was home so that's why things ended. With him being away a lot, it was very difficult to get used to at first but eventually I did (maybe too much, judging by my life now). Having kids actually helped with the loneliness.

[d0nnivain]

It will get better when you make some new friends. Keep trying. Once you have kids that will also open up new avenues of people to you.

[smackie9]

This is a real good time to get premarital counseling. It would be very important to have someone help the both of you come to a compromise, realize future goals and expectations together. Hopefully work everything out or the possibility that it can't. Better to figure it out now than getting divorced down the road.

[elaine567]

If he doesn't see you very much then I doubt he sees his parents a lot either so the need to stay close to his parents seems odd.

He is apparently not willing to make changes, even for better working conditions and pay, so I guess part of him enjoys this lifestyle and whilst this is not working for you, it is probably working for him.

That is a big problem for you.

 

I think making friends may help a bit, but if this is not the lifestyle you want then you may have to reassess this whole relationship I am afraid.

 

I know you "love" this man, but sometimes love isn't enough. You can't spend your whole life waiting patiently for him to show up. I know he is working, but there is a limit to what you can put up with.

 

I think you need to get things into perspective here. Arrange a holiday so that you can see your old friends and spend some time with your parents and get your old self back.