spiderowl Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 (edited) Are we ever in control when it comes to matters of the heart? No matter how we tell ourselves to 'take the initiative' or to 'move on', we are not in control. Falling in love can be sudden or happen as a gradual takeover. One minute, we are free and unconcerned, the next we are agonising over how to approach someone or show interest. Later, it gradually dawns on us that we are deep emotional trouble (so to speak). As I see it, falling in love is literally like being 'hooked' at some deep level. We are no more in control of falling in love than we are about falling out of it. We can try and take steps to get out of it but it takes time and hurt before that really happens. Having a crush or falling in love affects your whole body. We blush, we become shy, we think of the beloved too much, we feel shock and vulnerability if they seem too friendly with anyone else, we react with emotion not reason. When there is a break-up, we feel real physical pain, heart rate changes, anxiety grows, we lose our appetite and lose interest in activities. It can be devastating. How can we be so affected by another person who has not done anything to us on a physical level? It's an amazing scary mystery really. Edited June 3, 2017 by spiderowl 2
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 It's the eternal debate on what is love. What you are describing is not love to me, it's infatuation. Loving deeply does not mean being emotionally dependant on someone. Love is not something imposed on us against our will, love is a decision we make. The feeling of being hooked, of craving someone, of being on drugs is not 'love'. It's a trick of the brain and it doesn't last long. If you understand that this 'hook' you are feeling isn't love but an overdose of oxytocin then it won't have any hold on you. 4
Author spiderowl Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 I see what you mean Gaeta. I do not think I have ever chosen to fall in love though. It just happened and was sometimes very inconvenient.
mikeylo Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 We can't choose whom we fall in love with. What happens to that love is the difficult part.
ZayKayWill Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 You can control your actions. Your feelings...not so much. 3
aileD Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 The "falling in love" part is chemicals chemicals chemicals. Literally. The love part..,,that comes later after the chemicals wear off. Love is a decision you make every day 3
BluesPower Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 spiderowl, I completely agree... And what the hell is a spiderowl? I have no business feeling the way that I do about New GF, none at all. I had just broken up with one of my crazy GF's and I met her the next day, and I was toast. I got rid of all other girls I had been seeing and committed to her. Some of my friends here and else where say I am crazy and maybe I am. But frankly dating around and sleeping around really got boring. I mean I like sex don't get me wrong, but it feels like it is time for something more real. I just moved her to my rent house so she could be closer. We will see. But I just felt powerless about loving her. It just happened, what am I supposed to do, not see her because I might not work out? I am just going with it, it feels great. I do wish my super crazy ex GF would go away. She hates me and she won't stop texting me, which means she is not over me yet. I probably does not help that new girl is younger than her. It was not planed that way. CGF does not seem to understand the we are done BECAUSE SHE IS CRAZY. Then there is Crazy Ex W that thinks I want to see her and talk with her for any reason at all. Seems to get upset when I will not speak with her or visit with her, what did she think divorce was about in the first place. Sometimes I think I should be a monk and just not have any women in my life. It would be cheaper and less complicated. I think I will check into some monasteries and see what that looks like.... 2
somanymistakes Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 The "falling in love" part is chemicals chemicals chemicals. Literally. True, but potentially misleading. Not necessarily you but some people see 'chemicals' and think that 'love' is nothing but a subconscious reaction to pheromones - like, their body is giving off Love Juice signals and your body is picking up on them, and that's all it is, and you're just making up the liking part to cover for your physical reactions. This theory gets picked up by advertisers sometimes to try and market perfumes that they say will be hormone/pheromone based so they will act like love potions and make everyone love you!!! ... this is obviously a line of snake oil. people can ~Fall In Love~ with a fantasy without ever being near them in person, and get all the physical chemical symptoms, all the pains and joys and moodswings. it's the mind's reaction that is the first and strongest. and of course that sort of "in love" is very different from a long-term loving relationship, since again, it can be kicked off without even meeting someone! 1
OpenBook Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Love is not something imposed on us against our will, love is a decision we make. I heartily disagree with you! Cupid's arrow reaches its mark and pierces us whether we like (or want) it or not. Neither wanted nor sought. And usually at the most inconvenient time possible. Sccchhhhwwwwippppp - and there you are. You've been slimed! The feeling of being hooked, of craving someone, of being on drugs is not 'love'. It's a trick of the brain and it doesn't last long. If you understand that this 'hook' you are feeling isn't love but an overdose of oxytocin then it won't have any hold on you. Again, strongly disagree. It's all fine and good to try to look at it from a scientific point of view. But that doesn't change its effect one iota. 3
Gaeta Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 I heartily disagree with you! Cupid's arrow reaches its mark and pierces us whether we like (or want) it or not. Neither wanted nor sought. And usually at the most inconvenient time possible. Sccchhhhwwwwippppp - and there you are. You've been slimed! Again, strongly disagree. It's all fine and good to try to look at it from a scientific point of view. But that doesn't change its effect one iota. I am not at all denying the existance of Cupid's arrow and its effect but to me it is not love. It's infatuation. And as for if you can fight back an infatuation? I say yes. Maybe at 20 years old you don't have the straight or the tools to do so. As you age you get to understand better the difference between love and infatuation and therefore have a better hold on it. As Enigma explained if I come across a man that I feel total infatuation for but later on will discover he is abusive, or is a criminal or what ever else, I will be able to break the 'hook' as you call it, because I understand the 'hook' is just an infatuation and I will survive if I break it.
WaitingForBardot Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 I will say yes, we have control over love. I can't control whom I am attracted to, but I do choose whom among those I allow myself to get close enough to to fall in love. Echoing Gaeta's earlier assessment, love is a decision I make. 3
Author spiderowl Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 The "falling in love" part is chemicals chemicals chemicals. Literally. The love part..,,that comes later after the chemicals wear off. Love is a decision you make every day I know that is the scientific theory but sure there is more to it than chemicals? Why are chemicals triggered with one person not another. How come even a few words in an online message can trigger interest without even sight of a person?
Author spiderowl Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 Wow Bluespower, that's the kind of thing I meant, where you feel there is no choice in the matter, it just happens. Sometimes it is very inconvenient and inappropriate - different religion or culture, wrong age group. It can be incredibly powerful. Don't know what you can do about crazy exs but they obviously want your time and attention. A spiderowl is a rare bird ... 1
Author spiderowl Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 Sometimes people talk about 'magnetism' in relation to love and infatuation. I wonder if there is something like that going on, something physics has not yet pinned down. I do think there are paranormal phenomena that science has not yet explained but probably will do one day. Maybe love is still to be explained.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Yes and no. Feelings of chemistry and attraction can't be controlled. But you can let them not fully develop. For example, if I am feeling it for a married man, I will chose not to interact with him and the feeling quickly goes away. If I am feeling it for someone I am dating but he is treating me badly, I will chose to walk away and again the feeling goes away quickly. When I was younger, I didn't have good self control and would be stuck on inappropriate people for years at the time. Now I can get over anyone in less than a week. 1
somanymistakes Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 I know that is the scientific theory but sure there is more to it than chemicals? Why are chemicals triggered with one person not another. How come even a few words in an online message can trigger interest without even sight of a person? The attraction comes from the mind, and then the body fires up chemicals to reward you for pursuing it. Everything inside of us is chemicals and electricity, but that doesn't explain the truth of how we think and feel, they're just how those thoughts and feelings are expressed. However, as intelligent creatures we are very good at imagining things and reacting to them as if they were real. This can be dangerous, with love. We can bind ourselves into a mad love with a fantasy, by vividly imagining the perfect partner (despite any evidence to the contrary) and causing our bodies to react to that. 1
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Sometimes people talk about 'magnetism' in relation to love and infatuation. I wonder if there is something like that going on, something physics has not yet pinned down. I do think there are paranormal phenomena that science has not yet explained but probably will do one day. Maybe love is still to be explained. All of this is us being programmed to reproduce for the survival of our specie. You meet someone for the very first time and you feel like you've been hit by lightening? It's not magic, it's not destiny, it's all about our basic instinct recognizing the person in front of us is suitable for reproduction. That's infatuation. Later on when you got to know this person it's a different phenomena. It's about love, companionship and loyalty. Again all this is programmed in us for our survival as a specie. Survival in groups is much higher than by ourselves. 1
SammySammy Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I will say yes, we have control over love. I can't control whom I am attracted to, but I do choose whom among those I allow myself to get close enough to to fall in love. Echoing Gaeta's earlier assessment, love is a decision I make. Is that control over love though? Or just deciding whether or not to deal with someone. It's possible to love someone you never see or speak to. I've done it for years. Love a woman who is totally bad for me and not someone I would ever have a relationship with again. But, I love her. On the other hand, I have someone in love with me, committed and devoted. We're intimate, have great chemistry, communicate well, and have a lot of fun together. I don't love her. I'm not sure that I can force myself to feel the same thing I feel for the other woman. Don't think I can "decide" to have that same emotion.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 It's the eternal debate on what is love. What you are describing is not love to me, it's infatuation. Loving deeply does not mean being emotionally dependant on someone. Love is not something imposed on us against our will, love is a decision we make. The feeling of being hooked, of craving someone, of being on drugs is not 'love'. It's a trick of the brain and it doesn't last long. If you understand that this 'hook' you are feeling isn't love but an overdose of oxytocin then it won't have any hold on you. Agree with this. I would add that the 2 or 3 strongest crushes I have had got stronger after rejection, so you've got a decent portion of 'wanting what you cannot have'. True love to me is closer to the love you feel for your parents ... assuming you like them. I'm also an extreme case. I believe 80% of physical attraction is gradually pre-programmed by society and media. And that you can undo or re-program yourself. Racial preferences for instance. I also think homosexuality is at least to some extent, especially for bisexuals, similar. It's not necessarily a choice, but inputs and exposures can lead to homosexuality. Or ... lack thereof.
SevenCity Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Yes and no. Feelings of chemistry and attraction can't be controlled. But you can let them not fully develop. For example, if I am feeling it for a married man, I will chose not to interact with him and the feeling quickly goes away. If I am feeling it for someone I am dating but he is treating me badly, I will chose to walk away and again the feeling goes away quickly. When I was younger, I didn't have good self control and would be stuck on inappropriate people for years at the time. Now I can get over anyone in less than a week. I feel you can get over someone in a week, you were not in love with them. 1
Author spiderowl Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 Is that control over love though? Or just deciding whether or not to deal with someone. It's possible to love someone you never see or speak to. I've done it for years. Love a woman who is totally bad for me and not someone I would ever have a relationship with again. But, I love her. On the other hand, I have someone in love with me, committed and devoted. We're intimate, have great chemistry, communicate well, and have a lot of fun together. I don't love her. I'm not sure that I can force myself to feel the same thing I feel for the other woman. Don't think I can "decide" to have that same emotion. This is pretty much what I mean, that one does not make a choice. It sounds like a difficult situation for you but I do know what it means to love someone who is bad for you.
freengreen Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 For me love is a feeling which makes you a better/ stronger / warm person eventually. I think love always compliments you, it could make you laugh, smile or glee to make you a better person or....cry or angry or sad but it still makes you grow as a person. There are so many thigs which start as love,however, like wine, love matures and becomes more worthy overtime... if it dosnt, it wasnt love in the first place. We could swear it was love at first sight, it could be true?, it coulnt be true?... time will tell. And on control... I think you cant control how you feel about things/ people but you can certainly decide how to act towards it..
freengreen Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 The attraction comes from the mind, and then the body fires up chemicals to reward you for pursuing it. Everything inside of us is chemicals and electricity, but that doesn't explain the truth of how we think and feel, they're just how those thoughts and feelings are expressed. However, as intelligent creatures we are very good at imagining things and reacting to them as if they were real. This can be dangerous, with love. We can bind ourselves into a mad love with a fantasy, by vividly imagining the perfect partner (despite any evidence to the contrary) and causing our bodies to react to that. Wow... I had put a whole thread on this in another forum. Its a mind game our own minds play on us is it?...incredible sorcery. I couldnt explain it when it happened,Thank you for that perspective Somanymistakes .
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