Olivia D Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Hello all. I am having some sort of dilemma with my boyfriend of 3 years again. He is a recovering alcoholic. He's only been sober for 2 months. Well, he also has Bipolar and is on a mood stabilizer lamictal, and seroquel, a antipsychotic. However, he went inpatient again like 3 weeks ago, then came out and was like a brand new person to me. Very loving, kind, and attentive. Sending me sweet text messages in the morning and all. Well I fell into a deep depression because of other issues in my life, I want more comfort and love, and he was providing that at first, but now he stopped, and just ignores me. He works long hours, anywhere from 9 to 15 hours a day. I get that he's cranky and tired, and just wants to go to sleep. However, I look at the weekends as our days off, so he could be his natural self, we could do things, etc. He just gets up and plays his game, doesn't say anything to me. We haven't had sex in a month. We don't even cuddle. All he says is "Love you" and hugs me when he goes to work, sometimes kisses me, but I don't think the meds could cause you to not want to be affectionate towards your partner. I can understand not wanting to have sex, but he doesn't even cuddle with me anymore or randomly kiss or hug me anymore. He keeps blaming the medication for now his sex drive, he said he's depressed, but it's making me insecure in the relationship. I told him what he needs to do in order for me to feel loved and wanted. No intimacy makes feel like he's cheating, or interested in someone else. I know it's wrong, but I checked his phone, and he has nothing in there to indicate he is cheating. I have trust issues with him because when he was a drunk he cheated on me twice. He said he has anxiety, depression, and the meds are making him feel to much to himself. I said "I don't understand? When you got out of the hospital you wanted to have sex, now you have no desire to. You won't even cuddle with me, I feel like this is a friendship, more than a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship." He said "I was only in there for 5 days, the meds weren't in my system enough. I lost my libido." I told him I feel like I am single and I shouldn't feel that way, because he goes to sleep, or plays his video games, or goes to his appointments, etc. I feel he doesn't at all care that I feel lonely, and like a nuisance in the relationship.As much as he says he does care. I asked him about it, and he said "I'm trying hard Olivia." But he's not trying? He thinks I am always causing arguments, when I am not. I reassure him and somehow that's an argument? He said he'll do this and that to make the relationship better, but there's no so called attempts to make it better as he claims. I don't know what to think. If it is the meds, or if it's his bipolar? Him not drinking anymore? etc. What's your opinion. Thank you.
coolheadal Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 It's the meds because how it controls his moods swings. You have to make up your mind. I just left someone very close to be because of her meds, mood swimngs she had every he has plus other issues. I can't wait forever this is not for me I am out and done. You stuck around why not get out of it. Your clearly unhappy. He will never change the new improve is only interested in what he wants to do which is be his new self without interaction with you and your need. Mine told me she was always depress, no sex no nothing. She wouldn't even go out the house. Without the meds she unstable drove me crazy again. She was on controllled subtance also had the house so cold below 70 F I can't live like that. She drank still she was in AA for 30 years. Sometimes smokes and she did crack concaine on her own I don't need that in my life today..
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 You stuck with him through the drinking. I think you should be able to weather this but you will have to realize that he is not the answer to your depression. At only a few months sober on all new meds he doesn't have the reserves to shore you up. You will have to do that yourself. Find reasons to be happy independently of him. Your happiness has to come from you not because you BF sends you text messages. 2
starrynight4321 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 1. He's going through recovery. He shouldn't even be dating anymore right now because the entire point of recovery is to only focus on yourself and your problem. I'm surprised he doesn't know this or is at least not abiding by it. Someone going through recovery has a much bigger problem to deal with than the relationship. 2. I dated a sober guy in the past. I had no idea about it until maybe 3 months in. I was kind of annoyed he hadn't told me sooner, but at the same time I understood. By then, I really liked him. I had no experience with a sober guy, and didn't really understand what I was getting myself into. I figured he had been sober for a couple years, so everything was fine. Boy was I wrong! Former addicts or alcoholics (let me clarify-not ALL of them, but a lot of them) are notoriously selfish and emotionally unavailable. It tends to be part of their personality which leads them to their addiction in the first place. Plus, there is almost always an additional mental health issue (bipolar disorder, depression, narcissism, etc). My experience with sober people has been largely negative. Again, I'm not saying ALL sober people are like this. But- they tend to put themselves first almost every time. He's not thinking about you or doing x or y for you because he, like many sober people/addicts, is WAY too wrapped up in himself. Oh girl I've had that feeling of "feeling single," while with a sober person too. It's because ahain, he's thinking "me," not "we." If you've been with this guy for 3 years I have a feeling you know exactly what I'm talking about. My best advice to you is to end the relationship. While there are great sober people out there, I would never get into a relationship with one again. He is on a life long journey that requires him to work on himself constantly. You will never truly be a priority, and he might not even have the capacity to treat you as a priority until he's worked on himself sufficiently and has several years of sobriety to show for it. This guy has minimal sober time under his belt. He is still going through the worst of it. So everything I just said would be amplified by 100! See a counselor, and find someone more stable. 2
mortensorchid Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I must ask how old you are, because when I was in my younger days I dated quite a few of these types. Like the above poster said, alcoholics / drug addicts are very self centered people to begin with. Nothing is more important to them than their getting drunk/high and they will not let you or anything else stop them from doing it. Couple that with the bipolar condition and you have a recipe for a bad situation to unfold. I ask how old you are because you tend to think when you are a younger woman that you can change it or fix things. I have some news for you : you can't. It will take you a while to realize this after the certain disappointment or whatever else goes down that will be the last straw. But that's another thread... As to what to do? Unfortunately the answer is not much. I think you have to ask yourself why you stood by this guy to begin with. Not knowing anything about your history with him before his sobriety, I'm sure it was a roller coaster. And you said he cheated on you while he was drinking. Blame alcohol for that? Not by a long shot. Something else is working here. 1
BaileyB Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 (edited) I'm so sorry, but why do you stay in such an unhealthy relationship? This man is dealing with mental illness and addiction... It's well known that those in recovery for an addiction should not be in a relationship for the first year. And, the fact that he has a mental illness makes it even more challenging. He is clearly not healthy and he has cheated on you - I'm not sure why you would stay... If you do stay, I can imagine that your future will hold more ups and downs, hospitalizations, conflict, infidelity, lack of affection... No wonder that you are feeling lonely and depressed, this is just a terrible way to spend your life. Don't waste too much of your life waiting for this man to get healthy - when he will likely struggle with these issues for the rest of his life. You have a life to live - one opportunity to find happiness, to have a family... Don't settle for anything less. Edited June 3, 2017 by BaileyB 1
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 (edited) You are 100% responsible of the type of man you allow in your life. You are 100% responsible of your happiness. This man is an alcoholic and on top of that has a collection of mental illnesses. There will never be a happy ending to your story. You are not his mother or his savior. If you don't want to find yourself 20 years down the road feeling old, tired, lonely, undesired, than break up and leave that life behind and go get yourself a better one. Edited June 3, 2017 by Gaeta 3
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