kgcolonel Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I've been on here for several years and have what I'd call a ho-hum long-term marriage, (34+ years). Generally speaking we're okay, sometimes slightly better and from my perspective, sometimes, I want to walk.... Over the course of our marriage, 1 son, grown, educated, employed and out of the house, I have suffered what we both and our MC has termed verbal abuse, i.e. name calling, screaming etc. That said, it was somewhat frequent in the early years but has had me living on eggshells ever since. The sex life is one of the key factors of my sadness. She suffers significantly from depression (hospitalized last year for suicidal thoughts) and has for many years been seeking the right combination of meds to help her. I am at a state where I am ready to "play". I would like a more engaging proactive role from her as she from me. The challenge on my part is the lack of connection and IMO her inability to understand and value what is important to me. (love languages) She's a good person but is very focused on her and tends to put the "us" on the back burner to the point that I need something to happen or I may end the R. When I have discussed my perspective with others including our MC, the MC for one said that if the MC were grading me as a husband, I'd get an "A"....I certainly am not perfect, easily wounded and have some abandonment issues based on my upbringing... My ask here is: how does one re-light the fire when finally the kids are out and sex can be anywhere in the house and the level of interest (mine) isn't there? I truly want this and have asked for a couple of things such as slinky dresses, going out with no underwear (her, not me, however if she asked, Id have no issue lol). We do things together but I feel her commitment to the R is minimal unless its her agenda.... The LS community is great for providing a wide variety of ideas and I am seeking just that, a wide variety. I am afraid that if something doesn't happen, that a long-term marriage may not survive. BTW, there is no third party on either side and no history of infidelity that I am aware of. thank you in advance for your thoughts...just feeling sad and beat down I suppose.
BluesPower Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Well it is possible... But the problem is that it takes 2 people as you well know. And if she is too into herself or just not that into you, you are fighting a losing battle. My EX had and has a lot of problems with depression, I lived with it and did everything I could to help and it never really got better for the most part. And I understand about living on egg shells. Had to do some of that because of "Her Condition". What does she say about this when you openly talk to her about it? Which you surly have done in MC. And do you guys have any type of healthy sex life at all right now? I have to say that at your age (guessing 55) with the right woman life can be so great. I am finishing the final on my divorce soon, we have been done for a while, and I have been through a slew of woman and I have recently started dating as sweet young girl (young for me, but grown) and life is frankly great. You just have to figure out if she is willing to get on your train or not. If she is not, nothing you do will matter at all. In that case you will have to move on... 1
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 How "alpha" are you about initiating? Can you be more manly about it but still ramp up the romance. Light some candles at dinner. Push back the furniture & go dancing in the living room. Invite her to a bubble bath with you. Snuggle up to her in the morning. Perhaps take a weekend trip & give her a rose. 2
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I guess her depression is impacting on her ability to connect with you. Being on medication long term may have made her emotionally numb and her being the centre of attention due to her illness may have made her self absorbed. 1
mikeylo Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 My wife and I also have one son who left home last year. We both were quite a bit concerned and I did make a post here as to how to cope. Turns out that while we do miss him but having more time for ourselves is great. We are now doing things that we wanted to do as a couple for long ! Your wife , alongwith her depression, could be feeling empty nest syndrome.Its quite common that adds to her depression. The medications have severe side effects depending on dosage. Add to the mix , her hormones. How old is she? Menopause maybe? You've got to weigh everything and then plan your way forward. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 John and i have been married 45 years...and i am only 62...so i have been married most of my life. There are certainly times in a marriage when you are more connected...more in sync..than other times. I can't tell you what to do...but i can tell you some of the things we do to keep things "alive" John compliments me ...and i eat it up. He makes me feel so special. I know he loves me in dresses and heels...so I make sure i wear them alot. We like to go on dates...special dinners, concerts, wineries....movies. I guess what i am trying to say is...woo her again. Let her know how much you love her and how beautiful she is to you. Let her see that you think she is worth anything it takes to keep the sparks between the two of you flowing. I dont mean make her feel like she has to put out because you took her to the prom kind of thing. I mean let her know how much she means to you...and that you appreciate the fact that she has put up with you 34 years. Just love her...and hold her...and let her know how proud you are that she is still yours. Take her places and hold hands...look into her eyes across a table and let her see your love. Sometimes...all it requires is to just KNOW that you are loved and cared about. So often people that have been married a long time...take each other for granted. Anyway....I am a lucky lady...and john is a lucky man...if you get my drift.... 2
jamiebrown Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Hey really sorry to hear that, I agree with many others here, continue to love her and don't give up. Sometimes, it may take some creativity or something new together. Look back possibly on when you started dating together, and there might be something there you can look into and work to strengthen your relationship back when you were dating. Hoping everything turns out well. 1
QuietDan Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Anti depresents are notorious for negatively affecting both desire and ability to have and enjoy physical intimacy. She is probably menopausal, at the very least perimenopausal. If you are having issues with getting physically aroused, you may be having issues wth horemones as well. Blood pressure problems and medications can also have negative affects, or, inhibits things as well. 1
Author kgcolonel Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 Well it is possible... But the problem is that it takes 2 people as you well know. And if she is too into herself or just not that into you, you are fighting a losing battle. My EX had and has a lot of problems with depression, I lived with it and did everything I could to help and it never really got better for the most part. And I understand about living on egg shells. Had to do some of that because of "Her Condition". What does she say about this when you openly talk to her about it? Which you surly have done in MC. And do you guys have any type of healthy sex life at all right now? I have to say that at your age (guessing 55) with the right woman life can be so great. I am finishing the final on my divorce soon, we have been done for a while, and I have been through a slew of woman and I have recently started dating as sweet young girl (young for me, but grown) and life is frankly great. You just have to figure out if she is willing to get on your train or not. If she is not, nothing you do will matter at all. In that case you will have to move on... BP. Thank you for taking time to respond....you're entirely right about two people and i will take my share as of this minute. I think over time i have withdrawn somewhat but have on several occasions sat down and spoke with her on this topic....I have suggested we both start with a clean slate and build our M into what we want instead of what it has grown into. She likes the idea but no follow through on her part. When asked she says that the withdrawal has hurt her and she just struggles with letting go of the hurt. Personally, i think that its more of fear of rejection than anything else... As far as the healthy sex life, after 34 years, we average around once a week and I always ensure her pleasure before mine....that's what i have always done with her and before her.... I'll respond more on other posts later. Thank you all for the support.
Author kgcolonel Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 How "alpha" are you about initiating? Can you be more manly about it but still ramp up the romance. Light some candles at dinner. Push back the furniture & go dancing in the living room. Invite her to a bubble bath with you. Snuggle up to her in the morning. Perhaps take a weekend trip & give her a rose. D0, good point here on 'How Alpha", maybe not as much as I could be and likely should be however, I am really looking for some degree of reciprocity in our engagement. She shares the care giving duties for her mother (who lives alone) with her sister. The fact that she has really never individualized from her mother and sister (per our MC) has put some degree of resentment on my part. I feel like i always come after her mother, sister, our son and this has put a wet rag on my dying determination to "win" her priority. One the weekend trip, we do those often, We just returned from a Journey concert and an overnight stay at a hotel for her birthday. This was a specific request on her part which i gladly arranged.
Author kgcolonel Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 I guess her depression is impacting on her ability to connect with you. Being on medication long term may have made her emotionally numb and her being the centre of attention due to her illness may have made her self absorbed. Elaine and QuietDan, you both have touched on the AD meds. I think there is a possibility that they are contributing and certainly appreciate your taking the time to contribute. I guess my question along this line is: The Drs, and MCs have told her that exercise will also help her mental health and overall outlook however she simply states that she "doesn't like to go as it requires her to reshower, and redo her makeup". This is also a huge discouragement for me. Her mother suffers from advanced scoliosis and my wife has some growing back issues. The back Drs have told her that she needs core exercises to strengthen her core muscles but again, never follows through....may also be related to the depression.
mrs rubble Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Elaine and QuietDan, you both have touched on the AD meds. I think there is a possibility that they are contributing and certainly appreciate your taking the time to contribute. I guess my question along this line is: The Drs, and MCs have told her that exercise will also help her mental health and overall outlook however she simply states that she "doesn't like to go as it requires her to reshower, and redo her makeup". This is also a huge discouragement for me. Her mother suffers from advanced scoliosis and my wife has some growing back issues. The back Drs have told her that she needs core exercises to strengthen her core muscles but again, never follows through....may also be related to the depression. What about hiking? Could you interest her in joining you in walking? This would be good for her back and her depression and it's something you can do together.
jenkins95 Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 kgcolonel I've been using LS for a long times. I've seen your names very regularly in a wide variety of posts, giving up your time to offer sound, grounded, intelligent, respectful advice based on your own considerable experience. Posters like you are heroes and the inclusion of a post with your name on it immediately adds credit and eight to that thread. Thank you so much for being there. I personally have benefited greatly from you wisdom. And now, it is you who is asking for support. I hope you get it by the boatload, and I am glad to see that you already have lots of good replies. Whilst I am not really in the position to give much advice because I am in a different life stage (40s, young children), the one thing that I have really learned having had an affair and now putting 100% into reconciliation, is how easily my wife and I can reconnect just as long as we keep talking. She was always a great talker whereas I am a brooder. I don't tend to voice my problems because I don't want to upset people (very conflict avoidant). But just a little effort in this area has had amazing results. I usually find that firstly, once shared any particular problem seems much less that I'd built it in my mind and secondly, solutions can usually be found. And when you're both working in it, you tend to find more and better solutions and the whole process is a bonding exercise. Obvious really! Such a shame it took an affair to get me to realise what to most people comes naturally!
Happily_married Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 I can relate with you. Depression, miss-matched libedo, and diss connect over time are all familiar struggles. My wife and I have not been to any relationship counseling to date. Yet we have managed to overcome many of our own symptoms that are common among all long-term relationship struggles. It’s been a learning process that has helped to manage much more relationship challenges than I had ever thought. I am a very happily married man, and like all relationships, we have ups and downs. We have lessons we learn about each other and ourselves and welcome or not; they teach us to grow together as long as we stay committed to our relationship. One of our earlier lessons was how important it is to communicate to each other. I was never willing to express my feelings to my new wife, and it took her years of prying me until I finally grew into someone that communicates with their partner when something needs to be voiced. This lesson is a game changer when it comes to relationship growth and maintenance. One particular frustration that I was unable to communicate to my partner was my sexual frustration. While almost every other aspect of our marriage being a perfect fit, I had a high sex drive, and she did not. For several years we struggled to find a solution to sexual unsatisfaction and her low libido. It was hard on our partnership and overshadowed our daily life regularly. Eventually, we overcame our obstacle and found a satisfying balance of regular sex. Years later I realized that there is something else I needed to communicate. You see sex had become well… regular. Routine and less emotional. I began to wonder if my sexual prime had peaked at our earlier stages of dating and now I would never get a sexy striptease again. My wife is beautiful and arousing. She is my best friend and partner. Since I would never go outside of my marriage, I had to bring the seduction and charged emotions back into our relationship or face saying goodbye to my good old days of hot sex. And out of necessity for great sex and emotional foreplay, I designed a special invitation to making sex more fun. And from that point forward our emotional connection, physical attraction, trust, and understanding all elevated to a higher level that solidifies our bond. I'll be totally honest with you and say that it wasn't all sparks and flame in the beginning. We experienced incremental difficulties that we talked our way through, and we both grow forward together. Role play fantasies can help develop that growth forward. If you've tried role play before, you might agree with me that the sex doesn't always match the ideas in your head. Awkward moments and little or no communication are the butt of all role play comedies. It seems to me that role play has the current stigma of being reserved for the geeky or disaster bound. I needed a creative way to keep awkward moments and disasters at bay while we headed into this uncharted romance. In our experience's, it became clear to me that while I tried to plan everything, shared fantasies need to be planned and participated together to be truly appreciated. Here's what I planned: 2 nights at a nearby hotel suite Nice dinner reservations 1 day at the spa together. 2 roleplay sexual fantasy scenarios Apart from the two roleplay scenarios, most of the weekend was spent together as a couple. The first scenario was a blind date. We both secretly pre-planned our fantasy characters and met each other for dinner at the restaurant. This is a good opportunity to flirt and reconnect as if it was the earlier days. Of course, dinner led to drinks in the suite and we hooked up for the first time. The second scenario was a fantasy between a call girl and her client. Her sexy lingerie outfit made for a seductive evening of sensual and visual foreplay. Letting my wife choose the characters and lingerie keeps her roles comfortable for her. Not knowing her role and outfits till playtime make it exciting for me. I designed the weekend as an effort to spice up the sex life. But it has done so much more than that. It taught us to communicate,trust,understand,and pleasure each other at deeper levels of intimacy. There is something incredibly bonding about having a spouse who is not just your partner but also the object of your sexual fantasies. 1
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