Sleeplessinsydney Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Hi everyone, This is my first post. I have been happily married for 15 years to my husband, whom I love very much. About six months ago, my first ever boyfriend contacted me via social media. I loved him but I had to end it as my parent was dying (very complicated situation and I won't bore you with the details). We would bump into each other periodically over the years and always got together but never had sex. We were very much on and off mainly because our lives were going in completely different directions. I was a mess and he was travelling the world. Still is. Anyway, the moment he contacted me - boom. Chemistry was palpable and the love was still there. I have to add, I've never cheated in my life. Not even a glance. He is coming to where I live at the end of the year (he lives in another country) and we have been deciding whether or not to meet. The pull, the bond, is strong. My husband and I have pretty much a sexless marriage. We do love each other but what chemistry we had faded long ago, despite many efforts on my part. I've lamented over the years that I'll never experience great sex ever again. My question is this. Is it extremely selfish of me to have one night with my first love? No one would be hurt and I cannot stop thinking about it. But it's cheating. Plain and simple. I'm not sure I would be able to handle the guilt on the one hand but on the other, I just want to see this man one time. And it's not like it can spiral into a full blown affair as we live on opposite sides of the world. And will forever. If you were in my position, what would you do?
BluesPower Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Tell your husband... File for divorce and have a great time with your first love. And let's be honest, if you have allowed the romance and sex fade in your marriage, you really don't love him, maybe you care for him, but you don't love him. You know that this is true, even as you write your next post denying that what I'm saying it true. Just do the right thing first. How people allow their marriages to be come sexless is still a mystery to me. I hate my Ex wife, but we were never sexless in 26 years... 9
somanymistakes Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel. You should be making this decision with him, not with a bunch of random internet strangers. Maybe the clear and present threat will cause jealousy to bring a spark back into your marriage. Maybe it will spur the two of you to realise your marriage is dead and you should break up. Maybe it will lead to your husband giving you permission for a few nights out as long as protection is used. All of these things are possible, but the only way to find out which will happen is to talk to your husband. Be warned, though. A rekindled romance under the circumstances you're describing is almost guaranteed to be amazing fireworks in bed that will lead to complete obsession on your part. Even without the guilt of cheating this will NOT be an easy thing to do once and then forget about. 3
mercy Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I have to add, I've never cheated in my life. Not even a glance. Well, you may not be making that claim much longer. No one would be hurt... Says everyone. But it's cheating. Plain and simple. You took the words right out of my mouth. So, what kind of wife are you going to choose to be. Yes, it's just that simple. 8
Trtroles Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I have to add, I've never cheated in my life. Not even a glance. You are cheating. You are in emotional affair for 15 years. Talk with your husband. Tell him you want divorce. Dont hurt him even more. 4
GoldenR Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 "No one would be hurt" - famous last words. Remember that when your H is destroyed and no longer looks at you with the same look in his eyes. Remember that when you have to explain to your kids why mom and dad are no longer living together. Remember that when your H is hysterically crying, alternating between calling you every vile name in the book, and telling you he loves you. Remember that when you're alone in a one bedroom apartment, trying to figure out where it all went wrong, and how you wound up all alone. If this is something you must do, do it right. Divorce your H. Have your night of wild sex. And then remember how you thought no one would be hurt, as you drive home to no one. You are no longer wife material. Divorce your H. 7
QuietDan Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Hi everyone, This is my first post. I have been happily married for 15 years to my husband, whom I love very much. About six months ago, my first ever boyfriend contacted me via social media. I loved him but I had to end it as my parent was dying (very complicated situation and I won't bore you with the details). We would bump into each other periodically over the years and always got together but never had sex. We were very much on and off mainly because our lives were going in completely different directions. I was a mess and he was travelling the world. Still is. Anyway, the moment he contacted me - boom. Chemistry was palpable and the love was still there. I have to add, I've never cheated in my life. Not even a glance. He is coming to where I live at the end of the year (he lives in another country) and we have been deciding whether or not to meet. The pull, the bond, is strong. My husband and I have pretty much a sexless marriage. We do love each other but what chemistry we had faded long ago, despite many efforts on my part. I've lamented over the years that I'll never experience great sex ever again. My question is this. Is it extremely selfish of me to have one night with my first love? No one would be hurt and I cannot stop thinking about it. But it's cheating. Plain and simple. I'm not sure I would be able to handle the guilt on the one hand but on the other, I just want to see this man one time. And it's not like it can spiral into a full blown affair as we live on opposite sides of the world. And will forever. If you were in my position, what would you do? There are a lot of ways to revitalize a marriage and your relationship with your husband. "Never experience great sex ever again". Sounds like part of what a wayward, or soon to be wayward says to themselves and others to build a case to excuse and justify cheating. Again, I think there are probably a lot of things that can be done to make it possible to have great sex again with your husband. Where there is a will there is usually a way. Although, it does sound like there are a lot of relationship issues that need to addressed and improved by both of you to get there. One time only type things in these type of situations seldom stay one time only situation. It will cause all sorts of serious problems and challenges to your marriage and your relationship with your husband and to you as well. Cheating is not a good, productive, possitive, or helpful solution to the trouble in your life or your marraige. It usually causes a person a great deal of guilt, regret, grief, remorse, and an incredible amount of shame and self loathing. I highly recommend you avoid following through with what you are considering. Find another way. 2
somanymistakes Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 You are cheating. You are in emotional affair for 15 years. oh for goodness sake i know people are a little gun-jumpy with calling things "emotional affairs" but the OP says this guy only contacted her six months ago. are you REALLY going to argue that if you've ever in your life had feelings for anyone else, you are therefore cheating by marrying someone? well, sorry teenagers, if your first romance doesn't work out I guess you're tainted for life then, you're never allowed to date again. (Although maybe you just misread the post.) 2
GoldenR Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 oh for goodness sake i know people are a little gun-jumpy with calling things "emotional affairs" but the OP says this guy only contacted her six months ago. are you REALLY going to argue that if you've ever in your life had feelings for anyone else, you are therefore cheating by marrying someone? well, sorry teenagers, if your first romance doesn't work out I guess you're tainted for life then, you're never allowed to date again. (Although maybe you just misread the post.) You don't think she's in an EA right now? Also, I'm pretty sure this post resonates with your own story, explaining your stance. The OP is in an EA and wants to take it to a PA. There's no other way to interpret it. 2
Bryanp Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Would have any issue with your husband having a one night stand behind your back as well? 3
mikeylo Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I doubt you will ever be able to sleep peacefully after a ONS with the other man. It will come back to bite you.
somanymistakes Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 You don't think she's in an EA right now? Also, I'm pretty sure this post resonates with your own story, explaining your stance. The OP is in an EA and wants to take it to a PA. There's no other way to interpret it. I do think she's in one right now. It's quite clear. And I already said she should tell her husband. But based on the evidence presented, I don't think she's been in one for "fifteen years", which is what I was objecting to in the post I was responding to. She's been married for fifteen years. She's been talking to an old flame for six months. The poster claimed that she's been in an emotional affair for fifteen years. The implication there is that if you have ever had feelings for someone else, then even if you have zero contact with them you are still somehow cheating with them for the rest of your life. And, I mean, if you WANT to argue that you are morally obligated to marry your first love and never date anyone else ever again, well, that could be an interesting discussion. But by any normal standards, having an "affair" requires that you are at least IN CONTACT! 2
Imajerk17 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 A sexless (or passionless) marriage and unfinished business with another person is just such a dangerous combination. You actually have TWO problems. Even without your ex coming back, your marriage doesn't sound good. You may love your H "like a brother" or "like a best friend" but you don't love him as husband-wife. And so you are that much more likely to be tempted to stray. That is your first problem. The second is of course your ex reappearing. You need to talk to your husband OP, ASAP. 2
deadsoul Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Hi everyone, This is my first post. I have been happily married for 15 years to my husband, whom I love very much. About six months ago, my first ever boyfriend contacted me via social media. I loved him but I had to end it as my parent was dying (very complicated situation and I won't bore you with the details). We would bump into each other periodically over the years and always got together but never had sex. We were very much on and off mainly because our lives were going in completely different directions. I was a mess and he was travelling the world. Still is. Anyway, the moment he contacted me - boom. Chemistry was palpable and the love was still there. I have to add, I've never cheated in my life. Not even a glance. He is coming to where I live at the end of the year (he lives in another country) and we have been deciding whether or not to meet. The pull, the bond, is strong. My husband and I have pretty much a sexless marriage. We do love each other but what chemistry we had faded long ago, despite many efforts on my part. I've lamented over the years that I'll never experience great sex ever again. Make a better effort. Try harder. And if he won't listen, and this is a deal breaker for you, then leave him. My question is this. Is it extremely selfish of me to have one night with my first love? Yes No one would be hurt and I cannot stop thinking about it. Not true and I get that But it's cheating. Plain and simple. Yep I'm not sure I would be able to handle the guilt on the one hand but on the other, I just want to see this man one time. I remember telling myself this. One time won't be enough. Guaranteed. And it's not like it can spiral into a full blown affair as we live on opposite sides of the world. And will forever. It could still be an emotional one thanks to social media and technology If you were in my position, what would you do? First of all, I'm a wayward. No judgment here. I get the feelings you are experiencing, but I guarantee you, one time with him will a) not be enough and b) the guilt of what you've done will be worse than the feelings you have now. Let's look at the original issue: you and your H have lost your chemistry. Put your focus there on reigniting it, or it's time to call it quits. If I were in your position, knowing what I know now and having done what I did, I would cut all connection with the formal flame and focused on doing what I needed to do for my marriage. But when I was in your position, I did what I did and I wouldn't have listened to someone like me telling you the things that I'm telling you. Do with that what you will and good luck. 8
Just a Guy Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 (edited) Hi Sleepless, are you in Sydney, Australia or Sydney, Canada? Be that as it may, why are you purposely deciding to " Cut your nose to spite your face"? How do you think having an ONS with your former lover will quench your fire or your thirst for more? What you ate experiencing is just fantasy stuff. You have'nt told us if you have children. I guess we can assume you do have one/some after 15 years of marriage. If that be true then you will not only be cheating on your husband but also on your children. After the fact you will nurse the guilt of this act deep within yourself and if you think no one will be hurt think again. You will hurt your husband the moment you cheat on him whether he is aware of it or not. You will also hurt yourself the most because then, in your own eyes you will be someone unworthy of your husband and children's love. Of course, if you are the Devil in disguise you will feel no remorse or regret in which case you can commit any illegal act such as stealing , robbery or murder and not feel anything. However if you are like most human beings you will suffer from pangs of guilt, pain for what you have done and a loss of self esteem because of your lowered value of your self. As the saying goes " A bird in hand is worth two in the bush"! You have a Happy marriage and a Good husband who you love so don't trade him and your marriage for a volatile, risque and overall unsatisfying ONS or subsequent affair. As they say " Act in haste and repent at leisure". Have a Good Day. Warm wishes. Edited June 3, 2017 by Just a Guy 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I think you should tell your husband that you have been in contact with your old boyfriend and that he is coming home and you would like to see him. Better yet...why dont both you and your husband meet him for drinks and dinner. He an old friend ...right? Your husband knows about him...right? So...when you tell your husband...he might actually ask you some questions...tell him the truth...be very honest with him. You see...the one thing i think we should all be is honest....I mean...you have done nothing wrong...right? You have not stepped over any boundaries that your husband might be upset about...have you? And have the two of you talked about your sexlife? Have you made any attempt to fix things? Or do you really care? Are you moving boundaries and finding reasons to not really care about what your husband thinks anymore? because after all...your old boyfriend is coming into town...and one sexual encounter wont hurt anyone...Will it? Let me tell you...one sexual encounter can cost you EVERYTHING...your life as you know it...your self respect....your husband...your home...your family...your friends..... one sexual encounter can not only hurt.... it can DESTROY Is it worth destroying all those lives? Becasue it certainly can. One sexual encounter..can be a gift that keeps on giving...every day the rest of your life....just once...thats all it takes 5
aileD Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 This is a decision you need to make with your husband. If you aren't comfortable talking to your husband about it then you shouldn't be doing it. Sorry your marriage is lacking in chemistry but you chose to be in that marriage. If you don't want to anymore, get out via divorce and then you are free to be selfish
thummper Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 "happily married to my husband whom I love very much." Really? You love him soooo much, and yet it sounds like you just can't wait to burn up the sheets with this homewrecker. And what will you have then? Seems like adolescent fantasies never disappear. 2
QuietDan Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 If you have some goodness in you, and you sound like you do. This will be a regret that will tear at the fabric of your being and soul.
Author Sleeplessinsydney Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 You're words were harsh but true. I needed to hear them. I DO love my husband and you're right, it's absolutely not worth the risk. I'm going to cease all contact with the first love immediately and work hard on my marriage. That's why I posted here - to complete strangers - because I needed honesty, no matter how harsh the words. Thank you for your wisdom and advice. Oh and I'm from Canada to whomever was asking. 7
Buckeye2 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 (edited) A sexless (or passionless) marriage and unfinished business with another person is just such a dangerous combination. You actually have TWO problems. Even without your ex coming back, your marriage doesn't sound good. You may love your H "like a brother" or "like a best friend" but you don't love him as husband-wife. And so you are that much more likely to be tempted to stray. That is your first problem. The second is of course your ex reappearing. You need to talk to your husband OP, ASAP. If you meet him alone you will have sex. The above is correct. You want to grow old with the safety and security of your "brother" and have the hot memories of a night with your boyfriend. Pick one but don't take both. Do a search for the TED talk: Why We cheat, Why We Love by Helen Fisher. Even the best husband in a long term marriage can't compete with a ONS with an old flame in terms of hotness. Edited June 4, 2017 by Buckeye2 2
Author Sleeplessinsydney Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 Oh and I'm not a bad person but I nearly made a very bad, selfish, and unthinking decision. So I do want to thank you for the boot up the arse that I most definitely needed. I have just blocked the FL on social media so there will be no more contact. If any of you have some suggestions as to how I can improve my marriage, I'm open and willing to listen / try any suggestions. Thanks again. 3
harrybrown Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Your husband is not a mind reader. Tell him about your feelings for this other man and your desires. When was the last time that you asked him for time in the bedroom or in some other place of your fancy? Try to get the feelings back by spending quality time together. Talking to each other about your feelings and not watching tv or "it is nice that we are having weather". Good luck on staying NC. If you tell your H, that will help with the NC, but that will not be enough to stop the first guy. He will pursue. you will have to change address, phone numbers, it is easy to find you since he knows your name and where you live. I would not be surprised if he just showed up. So do tell your H about it now. 1
Author Sleeplessinsydney Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 Buckeye2 - thank you! I watched the talk and it really helped to make sense of things. It did also make me feel less of an ******* for entertaining the thought that I did (due to the three circuits sometimes competing with each other). That was one of the things that was really getting to me - loving my husband so deeply and yet fantasising about this other person. When she mentioned that those who were deeply in love would die for their partner, it really struck a chord as I would literally do that for him. So thank you. I feel much less confused now. If anyone has any other links or book titles, please let me know. I'm already feeling pretty devastated that my brain went down a dangerous path. Thanks again. 1
Author Sleeplessinsydney Posted June 4, 2017 Author Posted June 4, 2017 Thank you Harry. He actually does not know my address. I've never given it to him. I think I have disabled his ability to pursue me by blocking him on social media. He doesn't have my phone number. That's not to say he won't try as he has very strong feelings. But the responses in this forum have given me a huge reality check. I love my husband. I want to grow old with him. We hardly see each other as he commutes to work four hours a day and by the time he gets home, I'm exhausted. But we will have to carve out time. We lie in bed on weekend mornings and chat for hours about everything. We always make each other laugh. Honestly, apart from the sex and lack of decent chunks of quality time, the relationship is in good shape. And I'm not willing to jeapordise it. 5
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