rose27 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 About 6 weeks ago, a friend I had not seen in over 15 years contacted me out of the blue via social media. He asked how I was doing and seemed rather excited to chat to me. I don't want to use the word 'desperate', however he sort of came across in a way where he was craving social interaction with a female. I was feeling a little sad and vulnerable when he contacted me, as earlier that day, my ex left the company we both worked for and I was coming to terms with never seeing him again. It had taken me some time to get over our relationship, so this was closure for me. So this guy, who I will name 'Chris' just to make it a little easier, told me that his wife left him after being together for 10 years. They separated in January this year, after she left him for another man. He asked if I wanted to do something that night, so being the way I was that night, I agreed as I needed to get my mind off things. We had a good laugh, ate donuts and caught up on everything. He was still quite hurt about what happened. Chris wanted to stay in contact, and made sure he did. A couple of days later, he took me out for the day and shouted lunch and dessert. It felt nice to have someone do that for me, but I was also a little concerned that he wanted a rebound. I was grateful for everything he had done, but I decided to back off as I didn't want to take things any further. At this point, I only saw him as a friend. Over the next week, he kept trying to contact me, but I stuck to my usual routine as a single woman. I have goals I am trying to achieve and I guess I was at a point where I didn't want any distractions from my goals. I felt bad when he sent a text asking where I'd been, so I decided to contact him. For some reason, we talked and I realised that we had quite a lot in common. And for the first time, I felt like he was motivating me to achieve my goals, rather than distract me from them. Fast forward 6 weeks, and so many things have happened to complicate our 'friendship'. We speak every single day, sometimes for hours. We have kissed a couple of times, but I put a stop to it because he is still technically married and his separation is quite recent. I don't know if I'm overthinking things, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I can't deny that I love talking to him - he makes me laugh, we connect so well, and he is pretty much everything I asked for in a guy. The only issue I have is that I don't feel that physical attraction I have felt with other guys. But then again, that instant physical attraction has caused problems for me in the past as we were unable to establish a friendship and respectful relationship. It was purely physical. This guy ticks all of the boxes, except for that and the fact that he is recently separated. I can see that he likes me, but I am overthinking things and making it soooo complicated. I am definitely attracted to his personality. I need help. Do you think it's unsafe for me to continue on the way we are, due to his recent separation? And is physical attraction extremely important, or can this grow? I don't know if I'm sabotaging my chances at what could eventually blossom and maybe one day turn into a beautiful and respectful relationship (something I've never experienced), or if my intuition is telling me something.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 About 6 weeks ago, a friend I had not seen in over 15 years contacted me out of the blue via social media. He asked how I was doing and seemed rather excited to chat to me. I don't want to use the word 'desperate', however he sort of came across in a way where he was craving social interaction with a female. I was feeling a little sad and vulnerable when he contacted me, as earlier that day, my ex left the company we both worked for and I was coming to terms with never seeing him again. It had taken me some time to get over our relationship, so this was closure for me. So this guy, who I will name 'Chris' just to make it a little easier, told me that his wife left him after being together for 10 years. They separated in January this year, after she left him for another man. He asked if I wanted to do something that night, so being the way I was that night, I agreed as I needed to get my mind off things. We had a good laugh, ate donuts and caught up on everything. He was still quite hurt about what happened. Chris wanted to stay in contact, and made sure he did. A couple of days later, he took me out for the day and shouted lunch and dessert. It felt nice to have someone do that for me, but I was also a little concerned that he wanted a rebound. I was grateful for everything he had done, but I decided to back off as I didn't want to take things any further. At this point, I only saw him as a friend. Over the next week, he kept trying to contact me, but I stuck to my usual routine as a single woman. I have goals I am trying to achieve and I guess I was at a point where I didn't want any distractions from my goals. I felt bad when he sent a text asking where I'd been, so I decided to contact him. For some reason, we talked and I realised that we had quite a lot in common. And for the first time, I felt like he was motivating me to achieve my goals, rather than distract me from them. Fast forward 6 weeks, and so many things have happened to complicate our 'friendship'. We speak every single day, sometimes for hours. We have kissed a couple of times, but I put a stop to it because he is still technically married and his separation is quite recent. I don't know if I'm overthinking things, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. I can't deny that I love talking to him - he makes me laugh, we connect so well, and he is pretty much everything I asked for in a guy. The only issue I have is that I don't feel that physical attraction I have felt with other guys. But then again, that instant physical attraction has caused problems for me in the past as we were unable to establish a friendship and respectful relationship. It was purely physical. This guy ticks all of the boxes, except for that and the fact that he is recently separated. I can see that he likes me, but I am overthinking things and making it soooo complicated. I am definitely attracted to his personality. I need help. Do you think it's unsafe for me to continue on the way we are, due to his recent separation? And is physical attraction extremely important, or can this grow? I don't know if I'm sabotaging my chances at what could eventually blossom and maybe one day turn into a beautiful and respectful relationship (something I've never experienced), or if my intuition is telling me something. rose27. I would let your intuition kick in and keep you objectively tethered. Remain friends and if you feel that you'd like to pursue this AND can overcome the fact that you do not find him physically attractive, let him know that you will not pursue more UNTIL his divorce is final. I would like to share some thoughts that may or may not put a damper on your situation: 1. He is not 'technically' still married, HE IS MARRIED. His ex left him 6-months ago. Why haven't they divorced yet?! 2. There is SO much about his situation YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT. Does he have children and how often does he visit? How often does he communicate with his ex. SEE #1! 3. Yes, he was eager for female contact. You were caught at a vulnerable point. Would you have responded to him if things were 'better?' 4. You have your preferences and you like men that are physically attractive to you. Nothing wrong with that. Do you feel that you can overlook or settle in regards to his physical attributes w/o it nagging you? 5. It is more likely than not, that this will be a 'rebound' event. Especially for men, BUT....if what you say is not subjectively (on your part) true in regards to his attractiveness, than you may have someone who is latching onto the next girl who'll take him 6. You don't know why his ex left him or cheated. You don't know what kind of person he is/was as a partner. He is putting his best foot forward to impress. Personally, I wouldn't get romantically involved. Continue being friends. If he is looking for support, someone to talk to, then he shouldn't object to waiting and working out his divorce BEFORE you take it to the next step! I would REALLY want to know why, after 6-months, there is no divorce. 1
TheAntiHero Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Meh, if you continue with this, you'll probably just end up using the guy thinking there's some light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think you'll ever develop that attraction if you don't really have any to begin with. 5
meta.morphate Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Damn girl I just want to say, I could have written this, not necessarily the technicalities of the way you guys know each other and have been interacting, but the thoughts you're having about it. So, I might not be the best person to give advice. I wonder though, do you ever feel excited about this guy when you're not with him? Like are you thinking about him, can't wait to talk to him or see him, or do you just have a great time when you're together and then go back about your day and could either see him or not and not be caught up about it? Is he attractive? I know you're saying there's not that physical chemistry, but ... you kissed...did you like it? Could it have gone further? Is your mind on someone else? Are you really over your ex or are you hoping things will magically work out there? If that's the case - if your ex, or whoever, dropped off the face of the planet, would you suddenly have an interest in this guy? I posted a somewhat similar thread a week or so ago, asking if I'm leading on a guy who I find attractive and great as a person, but I don't have that physical chemistry with him, and I'm still hung up on some toxic dude I've been dealing with - but if that toxic dude fell of the face of the earth, I think my interest in this other guy would spike. But that doesn't seem fair to him ... so I'm probably not going to continue going out with him or doing things exclusively with him that I wouldn't do with other friends, or putting myself in a position where kissing/more than that, might become involved. It might be different for you, because as far as I can tell from your post, you don't have someone else you're involved with... But I feel like with the way this guy has been hitting you up, and asking where you've been, while you're just carrying on with your single life, shows that he thinks this is more than what it is to you. In the interest of things not getting messy ... you might want to clarify with him that you like hanging out and spending time with him and talking with him but you're only in a place to be friends right now - particularly since he's still married. I'm curious about the kissing tho - did you sense it was going to happen, and were you cool with that, or did you find yourself in that position, and you couldn't done without it? I think by the point that you're kissing someone, you pretty much know if you're willing to go further or not - and if you're not, that's a sign that you need to do some adjusting within that relationship, because this guy obviously thinks things are one way, and to you, they're not - and personally, I don't think that, as a woman, you can (or should) have a sexual relationship with someone that you're lukewarm about .... guys can do that, and do it all the time. They don't even need to like you. Women are different. If the attraction isn't there, I don't think it will come later ... but then again, I could be totally wrong. That's just my opinion. I'm sure you'll get exactly the opposite advice from someone else.
Author rose27 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 rose27. I would let your intuition kick in and keep you objectively tethered. Remain friends and if you feel that you'd like to pursue this AND can overcome the fact that you do not find him physically attractive, let him know that you will not pursue more UNTIL his divorce is final. I would like to share some thoughts that may or may not put a damper on your situation: 1. He is not 'technically' still married, HE IS MARRIED. His ex left him 6-months ago. Why haven't they divorced yet?! 2. There is SO much about his situation YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT. Does he have children and how often does he visit? How often does he communicate with his ex. SEE #1! 3. Yes, he was eager for female contact. You were caught at a vulnerable point. Would you have responded to him if things were 'better?' 4. You have your preferences and you like men that are physically attractive to you. Nothing wrong with that. Do you feel that you can overlook or settle in regards to his physical attributes w/o it nagging you? 5. It is more likely than not, that this will be a 'rebound' event. Especially for men, BUT....if what you say is not subjectively (on your part) true in regards to his attractiveness, than you may have someone who is latching onto the next girl who'll take him 6. You don't know why his ex left him or cheated. You don't know what kind of person he is/was as a partner. He is putting his best foot forward to impress. Personally, I wouldn't get romantically involved. Continue being friends. If he is looking for support, someone to talk to, then he shouldn't object to waiting and working out his divorce BEFORE you take it to the next step! I would REALLY want to know why, after 6-months, there is no divorce. He is trying to push for this divorce because he does not love her anymore. As soon as she left him, she went on to get engaged to another guy. I saw the photos of her with the other guy, so I know he isn't lying. In Australia, you must be separated for 12 months before filing for divorce. He can't get around this, but he is trying. There are no kids involved which makes it a little easier. They weren't in contact at all, but now she has left the other guy and she contacts him quite a bit. At one point, we were out for a drive and she called him at least 15 times to try talking to him because she wanted to get back together. He told her to leave him alone, but she won't let this one go. This is something I am concerned about and I have voiced my concerns to him. I have also mentioned that I think it's best we give each other space until he finalises everything. Whatever happens, happens. I don't know if things would have been different if I weren't as vulnerable. He came along, I had no expectations, then we ended up clicking. It took weeks before we kissed. We were spending a lot of time together as friends, which is not something I would normally do. It is really easy for me to be myself around him and I enjoy his company a lot. He is actually everything I asked for in a guy, except for a couple of things - the baggage, and not having the instant physical attraction. In all honesty, I am questioning why she cheated also. He seems to be wanting to make a good impression, but I don't know how long this will last for - I get cynical after everything I have experienced with previous relationships. I think I will let go, keep my options open, although I am not actively looking right now. I just feel like he is not in the right place to be thinking about starting anything, even though he isn't pushing for it. He understands he has a lot to sort through, and we had this discussion last night. I saw him last night and I realised that there is something there, and I feel that I can overlook the fact that he isn't my usual type physically. He has a good heart from what I've seen so far, but I am still going to give myself the space I need. If I end up meeting someone else, well, I guess that it all comes down to timing.
Author rose27 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 Meh, if you continue with this, you'll probably just end up using the guy thinking there's some light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think you'll ever develop that attraction if you don't really have any to begin with. To be honest, I saw him last night and I started to feel something. Maybe it does grow? It's so weird. I don't know. The issue is his baggage now, so perhaps this thread has changed from one issue to another
Author rose27 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 Damn girl I just want to say, I could have written this, not necessarily the technicalities of the way you guys know each other and have been interacting, but the thoughts you're having about it. So, I might not be the best person to give advice. I wonder though, do you ever feel excited about this guy when you're not with him? Like are you thinking about him, can't wait to talk to him or see him, or do you just have a great time when you're together and then go back about your day and could either see him or not and not be caught up about it? Is he attractive? I know you're saying there's not that physical chemistry, but ... you kissed...did you like it? Could it have gone further? Is your mind on someone else? Are you really over your ex or are you hoping things will magically work out there? If that's the case - if your ex, or whoever, dropped off the face of the planet, would you suddenly have an interest in this guy? I posted a somewhat similar thread a week or so ago, asking if I'm leading on a guy who I find attractive and great as a person, but I don't have that physical chemistry with him, and I'm still hung up on some toxic dude I've been dealing with - but if that toxic dude fell of the face of the earth, I think my interest in this other guy would spike. But that doesn't seem fair to him ... so I'm probably not going to continue going out with him or doing things exclusively with him that I wouldn't do with other friends, or putting myself in a position where kissing/more than that, might become involved. It might be different for you, because as far as I can tell from your post, you don't have someone else you're involved with... But I feel like with the way this guy has been hitting you up, and asking where you've been, while you're just carrying on with your single life, shows that he thinks this is more than what it is to you. In the interest of things not getting messy ... you might want to clarify with him that you like hanging out and spending time with him and talking with him but you're only in a place to be friends right now - particularly since he's still married. I'm curious about the kissing tho - did you sense it was going to happen, and were you cool with that, or did you find yourself in that position, and you couldn't done without it? I think by the point that you're kissing someone, you pretty much know if you're willing to go further or not - and if you're not, that's a sign that you need to do some adjusting within that relationship, because this guy obviously thinks things are one way, and to you, they're not - and personally, I don't think that, as a woman, you can (or should) have a sexual relationship with someone that you're lukewarm about .... guys can do that, and do it all the time. They don't even need to like you. Women are different. If the attraction isn't there, I don't think it will come later ... but then again, I could be totally wrong. That's just my opinion. I'm sure you'll get exactly the opposite advice from someone else. Mmm it is a strange one. I saw him last night and things suddenly changed. We ended up kissing again but this time it felt right. I don't know why. My toxic ex is long gone, but I think when I initially started speaking to this new guy, I did have the slightest hope that things would change between my ex and me. Now that I've made personal changes to my life and started focusing on myself, I have realised that I deserve better. Then this guy came along and has been such a supportive friend to me, but we complicated it when he kissed me. The last few times he kissed me it felt a bit forced, but yesterday's kiss felt natural and I think it has complicated everything for me because I now have these feelings that weren't there before. I am going to pull back though, because there's a lot he needs to deal with and his ex won't leave him alone. I can't deal with that kind of drama, so better that I do it now before my guard goes down. 1
preraph Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Well, be careful. A lot of guys get involved with one woman during the process of divorce and then once the divorce is final, they go fishing to see how they do now.
meta.morphate Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 " so says every girl because girls insist on the hottest guys " Not necessarily, cas the guy I'm having a similar problem with, IS hot. Every time I see him I'm just like damn, he looks good .... but then, the sexual chemistry attraction piece of it isn't there for me and I get annoyed with him when he tries to take it there. Makes no sense, but is true. You can be SEXY without being super hot, and vice versa. 1
Popsicle Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 When you know a guy wants more than friendship with you and you are not attracted to him, you simply can not talk to him at all. This is how you stay out of trouble and avoid hurt feelings. 1
Maggie4 Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 There's some connection between his baggage and you not finding him attractive. Women instinctively don't want other women's rejects. Sorry it sounds so bad talking about your friend. But the phase he's going through is temporary, so I say it. A rejected man can turn on the charm and wine and dine you, and be sentive and a good listener, all because he turned it full on. But somehow a guy who has just been dumped is physically different. It's like his sex pheromones aren't the same. Inside he is deeply hurt, even though he doesn't want his ex back. He can fake everything else on the outside, but he can't fool nature. And the females of our species have evolved to be very selective. He needs time to be himself again. 1
Author rose27 Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 Well, be careful. A lot of guys get involved with one woman during the process of divorce and then once the divorce is final, they go fishing to see how they do now. That thought crossed my mind, so I am keeping my options open.
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