NoMoreJerks Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 (edited) Hi all, Just want to get your input about something.. It has to do with going out with bf/gf on weekdays when you work (let's say 12-8pm shift). Picture this scenario: BF (or guy you are dating) always states that he is too tired to go out on a weekday after work. Now, as someone who lacks in energy generally, I understand this completely and sympathize (moreover, as someone who is not used to working 8-9 hrs a day straight for extended periods of time, I can only imagine how exhausting it can be). So let's say you are very understanding and instead you make plans to go out on week-ends, except that on Friday evenings (he finishes 5pm) he is too tired again, and Saturdays he has a sport activity in the middle of the day which cuts the day in half and basically he is too tired to go anywhere after it (and daytime activity being impossible) or it's too much hassle as he has to come home take shower, get dressed again, etc.. This leaves only Sunday, which basically sucks in terms of atmosphere no matter where you go (restos, bars, etc are all empty on Sundays as everyone is home), plus even Sundays he says the next day is a work day, so you end up not staying out very long if you do go out. Then, his friend comes over to visit him for 10 days from abroad, and he ends up going out every night after work and even in the mornings before work (he starts at noon)... suddenly, he has the energy for it. Now I understand that it's a one-off situation I guess, for a friend who is visiting from abroad... but still... doesn't that mean that he actually can find the energy if he is motivated enough? How would you tackle this scenario? What would your reaction be ? Scenario applies to initial stages of dating but also to longer relationships. Edited June 3, 2017 by NoMoreJerks
CC12 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 How would you tackle this scenario? What would your reaction be ? Clearly he is able to muster the energy to go out when he really wants/needs to. So I would point that out and tell him that I expect him to exert that kind of energy for me once in a while. Maybe twice a month? That seems reasonable. I wouldn't be upset that he spent time with the friend who visited.
basil67 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Yes, you've nailed it. He can find the energy when he's sufficiently motivated.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 Clearly he is able to muster the energy to go out when he really wants/needs to. So I would point that out and tell him that I expect him to exert that kind of energy for me once in a while. Maybe twice a month? That seems reasonable. I wouldn't be upset that he spent time with the friend who visited. And if it doesn't change anything? I've made it clear that I thought he went out of his way to go out when he was motivated , and that I wanted us to do stuff together (not necessarily costing much -- since he also mentions the money aspect of it often ) . He has not budged on it so far. Is the relationship doomed? Is it because he's just no longer interested in me ? , or is it just the normal "comfort zone" stuff ? I do not mind staying in for most of the time , I tend to be an introvert for most of the time but even I have my moments where I want to go out and be extroverted.. he is only motivated/excited about going to the rooftop terrasse in his building...
basil67 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I can't tell you if it's because of comfort zone or laziness. But the upshot is that you're not getting your needs met and he's not budging. You say that this is the early stage of dating. It's important to remember that dating is about finding Mr/Ms Right. It's not about finding someone who doesn't suit you and trying to make it work. With respect to longer relationships, my ex-husband did not start out as a hermit. He changed to become one and would not budge when I said that I still wanted to do nice things occasionally. Mind you, he wouldn't even leave the house to keep me company while I did groceries! I remember begging him to go out with me even just once per month - but he wouldn't do it. I ended up leaving the marriage. With hindsight, I can't believe I even thought that once a month would be remotely enough. 1
clia Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I would not stay in a relationship like this. He is obviously motivated when he wants to be, which isn't when he's with you. Why would you even want to be in a relationship like that? Why would you want to be with a guy who can't muster up the energy to go out and eat on a weeknight every now and then? I understand being tired from work, but it really isn't normal for a healthy person to never have the energy to go out after an 8 or 9 hour work day. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I'd tell him what you told us -- that you feel like a convenient after thought & you're sick of it. He'll either change or you need to walk. 1
preraph Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Going out after work can be exhausting. Depends how old you are and how bad you want to do it, though. Maybe he doesn't feel like dating you but just wants you there for sex? Or does he take you out and treat you like a lady and date you like a proper gentleman? 1
Author NoMoreJerks Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 Going out after work can be exhausting. Depends how old you are and how bad you want to do it, though. Maybe he doesn't feel like dating you but just wants you there for sex? Or does he take you out and treat you like a lady and date you like a proper gentleman? He used to, but it's been a long long time since he's done it.. with the exception of my birthday 3 months ago ( he rented a fancy car and surprised me with the keys, and treated me to a nice meal... )... We're both 34. Our outings have become more and more rare by the day.... at some point, we started going out to the supermarket together, picking some stuff, and then I'd cook us a nice meal , and we'd stay in (winters are super cold and unpleasant here, so it worked for me at the time), but now that it's warmer, and he makes decent money anyway (enough to go out every now and then that's for sure) and I was on my way to getting an amazing job (he seems to have jinxed it), we could go out.. I can no longer even get him to walk at all... now he likes to just get the car (carsharing service like zipcar) and go from place to place (note: mostly his sport activity stuff), and if there's no car available he would not go anywhere. I can't remember the last time we went out by subway or bus, and then walked around, explored new things / places together, etc. :( Now he's gone to another city with his friend over the weekend, and he's staying the night there... and is giving me the silent treatment. (we had a fight instigated by him, over a seemingly small thing where he was huffing and puffing over something I asked him in front of car rental people , which he then blew out of proportion when I asked why he was making hurtful remarks and treating me like crap, telling me that I ruined his day and that he could no longer go to his sport practice which we were planning on going to together, I was willing to watch him practice , and then we had plans to do something together after that ). Since then, radio silence. It's been 5 days or so. I've texted ,called, etc. nothing. I gave him his keys back, but I have my stuff in his apartment (in 20 boxes or so), and I need to know if it's over or not so I know how to arrange to go pick up my stuff. It seems like he no longer likes me (if he ever did) let alone love me.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 Going out after work can be exhausting. Depends how old you are and how bad you want to do it, though. Maybe he doesn't feel like dating you but just wants you there for sex? Or does he take you out and treat you like a lady and date you like a proper gentleman? The sex has been rare too, as I am struggling with some financial-related stress and my libido has been super low. It doesn't help that I've discovered stuff (him checking other women on sex/hookup sites though not mssging them) that has really screwed with my head and seems to have made a huge dent in our chemistry.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 The only suggestion he has for an outing together is to go to the gym together after work, that's all that seems to motivate him.. He is not a big gym person though, so I am wondering what it is : is he insecure and trying to build up his body to impress the ladies, and since I am around, he has to take me with him, basically? Because otherwise he does not give me signs that he is happy to have me around.
Gaeta Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 How long have you been dating? I know all about long schedule and being tired. My BF works days and attends school at night, and this each day of the week. Togetherness is important to both of us so he drives to me each night after school to spend the night with me. There is no time to go out, no time for dates but at least we go to bed together. My question is why aren't you having week night sleep overs?
Author NoMoreJerks Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 (edited) ^ Gaeta, I am having weeknight sleepovers. In fact, I am at his about 60% of the time. Been seeing each other approx. 1 year and 3 months. I just feel astounded by the level of discrepancy between his effort/motivation for his (male) friend and his complete lack of interest in doing anything with me (even wants to grab food and bring it home from the restaurant rather than eat out, on days that I am too tired to cook anything fancy). It almost feels like he's avoiding the whole "being seen in public"/"going out together" thing. He has criticized me several times for "not throwing the trash" (once or twice) and not starting the dishwasher (NEVER!! I always start it) when he comes back from work. It's not like we are married, if I pitch in with his household chores and cleaning, it's because I am not tired and want to contribute my fair share, but it's not like he's the "breadwinner" and I'm the homemaker and he's feeding me while I am sitting around on my ass all day! Edited June 3, 2017 by NoMoreJerks
preraph Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 It's like now you're just his mother taking care of him and the sex is even going. He's looking for other women. This will only last if you put up with it the way it is now, which you should not do. 1
clia Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Now he's gone to another city with his friend over the weekend, and he's staying the night there... and is giving me the silent treatment. (we had a fight instigated by him, over a seemingly small thing where he was huffing and puffing over something I asked him in front of car rental people , which he then blew out of proportion when I asked why he was making hurtful remarks and treating me like crap, telling me that I ruined his day and that he could no longer go to his sport practice which we were planning on going to together, I was willing to watch him practice , and then we had plans to do something together after that ). Since then, radio silence. It's been 5 days or so. I've texted ,called, etc. nothing. I gave him his keys back, but I have my stuff in his apartment (in 20 boxes or so), and I need to know if it's over or not so I know how to arrange to go pick up my stuff. ( He ignores you for five days and you need HIM to tell YOU whether or not it's over? I don't understand why you would even consider putting up with such poor treatment or even consider continuing a relationship with this guy after this. (To be honest, I'm completely shocked to hear you are still dating this guy after all the red flags that have come up in your relationship. Has he introduced you to his friends and family yet?) 1
Zahara Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 It's been 5 days or so. I've texted ,called, etc. nothing. I gave him his keys back, but I have my stuff in his apartment (in 20 boxes or so), and I need to know if it's over or not so I know how to arrange to go pick up my stuff. NMJ, you've been on here long enough, posted threads about men that have treated you badly and reaped much advice. When do you learn from your lessons and stand by your boundaries (do you have any)? Deep down inside you know that this person has checked out from the relationship. You've more than once in your past tolerated bad treatment from men. Stop doing this to yourself. Yes, it's over. Unless you like sitting around waiting for a man to determine your fate and continue accepting being an option/convenience, rather than have enough self-respect to walk away - get your things and move on. 1
Els Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 If I were in a situation like that I'd bail - and that's even just considering the opening post, not the other information (obviously, you should absolutely bail after 5 days of radio silence!). 2
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