Fayella Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 My boyfriend was telling me that a friend of ours had told him how good we are together and how he could see us being together for a long time. My boyfriend said he responded like 'Hmm but then you never know'. That triggered alarm bells for me and I asked my boyfriend what he meant, he said he didn't know what would happen in the future, he likes to think on both sides of things - the positives and negatives. I understand that and I know that anything could happen in the future, we may be together and we may not. Some people get married and then divorced, some people are together a long time then separate so I understand his reasoning. Should I be worried though? As soon as he said that it started to worry me and I started to think maybe he wasn't so sure about us. We are both actually starting to save money for a house. I just wondered whether I'm just there until he finds someone better i.e. someone he actually wants to marry/have kids/spend the rest of his life with? He tells me he loves me a lot but the way he responded to his friend didn't seem very convincing, almost like he knows it's inevitable that we will split. Am I worrying to much? He told me I had nothing to worry about but it's been bothering me.
d0nnivain Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 It's nothing to worry about but I would not jointly buy a house with him. 4
preraph Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 I agree with ^. Don't mix money or derail your life in any way counting on him to be there to marry. He sounds like he is not at all sure to me. And here's why. He didn't have to tell you what the friend said, but he did, and it was a warning. He just let you know that he is not fully committed to a future with you. Again, why would he tell you this unless he wanted you do prepare yourself. Don't plan your life around him. Stay focused on your own path. 4
mikeylo Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 How long have you been together for ? How old are you ?
Author Fayella Posted June 2, 2017 Author Posted June 2, 2017 How long have you been together for ? How old are you ? 1 year and 4 months. I'm 26 and he's 27 (yeah both don't have a place because of the housing crisis and renting but that's a whole other story)
mikeylo Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 1 year and 4 months. I'm 26 and he's 27 (yeah both don't have a place because of the housing crisis and renting but that's a whole other story) Don't invest in a house together unless further relationship commitment. You dont want to be stuck because of finances. Some guys like to tell the entire world while some like to keep personal stuff close to themselves. Which one is he in general? He probably needs more time.Don't push.
Zahara Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 1 year and 4 months. I'm 26 and he's 27 (yeah both don't have a place because of the housing crisis and renting but that's a whole other story) I think that was his subtle way of planting a seed in that he isn't sure about a future with you. If he was sure about you, he would not have mentioned the conversation to you, and if he did, his response would have been other than hmm.. In that sense, do not buy a home together. 2
Author Fayella Posted June 2, 2017 Author Posted June 2, 2017 Don't invest in a house together unless further relationship commitment. You dont want to be stuck because of finances. Some guys like to tell the entire world while some like to keep personal stuff close to themselves. Which one is he in general? He probably needs more time.Don't push. What would count as further relationship commitment? He's quite personal about our relationship, he will tell others about our date and where we go but that's as far as it goes. He's even 'single' on facebook because he says he doesn't use it much and he can't change it and link it to me because I don't have facebook. That was alarm bells too. I won't, thanks. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 What would count as further relationship commitment? Marriage. Continue as is unless you want to dump him but do not co-mingle finances. 6
Author Fayella Posted June 2, 2017 Author Posted June 2, 2017 I think that was his subtle way of planting a seed in that he isn't sure about a future with you. If he was sure about you, he would not have mentioned the conversation to you, and if he did, his response would have been other than hmm.. In that sense, do not buy a home together. How do I bring it up to not buy a home? We made a joint account to save and he has asked me to empty my savings account into my current so we can save together.
d0nnivain Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Assuming you know how much money you put into the joint account, you take exactly that much back out, but not a penny more. This is about you preserving your money not stealing his. After you take that action you tell him you were very disturbed about what he said & you talk about it. But keep the finances separate. Assure him you love him. Assure him you want to stay together & you are still somewhat on board with the plan to save but you would prefer to save separately. Every month show each other the bank statements. But do make it clear that if he's uncertain about co-mingling your lives you are certain that you can't co-mingle & intertwine your money in the short term. 6
mikeylo Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 How do I bring it up to not buy a home? We made a joint account to save and he has asked me to empty my savings account into my current so we can save together. DON"T . If you want marriage then just dont do the above. Why is he making all the decisions? Tell him you want marriage first then house etc. 4
Zahara Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 How do I bring it up to not buy a home? We made a joint account to save and he has asked me to empty my savings account into my current so we can save together. The bold -- no, no, no. Just as d0nnivain suggested. You retrieve all the money that you have put into the joint account and then talk to him about the relationship. Tell him that you are emotionally invested just as you were before and there is no doubt that you want to create a future together but you need to truly build a solid foundation with him first before investing financially together and what he mentioned doesn't give you the assurance you need. 3
smackie9 Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 This is his personality...he is a realist, not an optimist. This is just a compatibility issue. Your perspectives are different when it comes to the future. You want someone who is more able to be positive and confident about things....find a new BF. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 How do I bring it up to not buy a home? We made a joint account to save and he has asked me to empty my savings account into my current so we can save together. This is not good. As the others have advised, don't buy a home together until your future together is much more certain. You can continue to build a relationship, but buying a house together doesn't make sense right now.
Whodatdog Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Theres 14 billion, more or less, threads here from women who moved in with a guy, had kids, played house, and wondered why, years later, the guy never asked her to marry him. Read them. Learn from them. Dont be them. 5
GunslingerRoland Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 1 year and 4 months. I'm 26 and he's 27 (yeah both don't have a place because of the housing crisis and renting but that's a whole other story) I'm not sure which housing crisis you are talking about. The American housing crisis was almost a decade ago now when you were both teenagers. Anyway, I agree with others that you don't sound ready to buy a house together at all. As for how he feels about you, sounds fairly wishy-washy for someone who wants to buy a house with you. 1
preraph Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 What would count as further relationship commitment? He's quite personal about our relationship, he will tell others about our date and where we go but that's as far as it goes. He's even 'single' on facebook because he says he doesn't use it much and he can't change it and link it to me because I don't have facebook. That was alarm bells too. I won't, thanks. Yeah, that's BS. He can change his status. 1
preraph Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 How do I bring it up to not buy a home? We made a joint account to save and he has asked me to empty my savings account into my current so we can save together. Tell him in light of the new information about him not being sure about a future together, you don't intend to mix money or buy a home together until and unless you marry. Do NOT buy a house together without a marriage contract!!! What a mess that would be! You could get sick of him and not be able to get him to sell the house If you're married you get a divorce and the court makes you sell the house and divide it up. He's being unfair asking you to help HIM buy a house without you being married. Do not share a bank account. If you already are, get your money out and put it in an account of your own. Then tell him "I have been advised it's bad business to buy a house with anyone I am not married to." Period. He can do with that info whatever he wants. 3
todreaminblue Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 (edited) it doesnt sound positive he could just be a realist who has been let down in the past...as far as finances goes you can just as effectively save separately....with different bank accounts the fact he wants to remain single on face book and doesnt want to link you in is a real concern....for longevity....buying a house together is a big step and not one i would take without marriage first..... i once contemplated buying a house with my common law spouse......and im glad that we didnt......we co habitated and rented for fifteen years the relationship didnt last...and i left with what i had ..which was my kids my clothes and personal items....he had control of all the money in the relationship...i left that relationship with five kids and......in severe debt and moved back in with my mum...he didtn even want to pay child supportat the time...over the years apart we developed a good solid friendship....and repaired our relationship to what it should have always been......a friendship..but then i would not have my three girls...so everything happens for a reason but he didnt love me like i loved him..... your bf can be a realist there are no guarantees in life or love....i actually dont know anyone...and i mean anyone who simply co habitated and bought a house together....im trying to think of one couple and i cant think of any..... there are some signs you need to have serious talks and a stable commitment felt before proceeding with any form of bank account sharing or buying houses......and in my opinion marriage is that commitment needed.....not co habitating....good luck......deb Edited June 2, 2017 by todreaminblue
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 He tells me he loves me a lot but .. That sounded weird to me. I love you a lot isn't the same as I love you. 2
basil67 Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 I'm not sure which housing crisis you are talking about. The American housing crisis was almost a decade ago now when you were both teenagers. Perhaps she's Australian. We have one heck of a housing crisis here. Anyway, I agree with all that has been written. If marriage is important to you, don't combine money or buy a house until you're at least engaged with a date publicly set for marriage.
1fish2fish Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 You can save up your money just as easily in your own bank account.
Versacehottie Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 It's nothing to worry about but I would not jointly buy a house with him. Agree with not buying a house with him. My friend has been wanting to break up with her bf for about a year--but they own a house together. She is trapped and not moving on with her life when she is actually ready to. They are even engaged. I kinda think your gut feeling is telling you something. It may not be bad or anything to worry about as donnivain says but you probably need more security than the current situation is offering. I would wait til you get it. And probably still wouldn't buy the house together. Good luck
Versacehottie Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Yeah, that's BS. He can change his status. i agree! I'm sooooo not into taking FB things seriously. However, he won't be even be official with you on FB but wants you to be official when it comes to mortgages and housing. NO! I feel like he wants the benefits of saving with you for what "might" be. Trust me, he will easily pull his money out or mess you up if you've bought a place together if he wanted out. What i'm reading between the lines is that he likes the stability and responsible side of you but is not that into it. You need someone who is excited for a future with you, especially if they are asking you to plan for one with them. The dynamic is not great with this. And you should have a say in stuff. I feel like that is not happening--which is bad. This doesn't feel balanced. His comment was a "step-back"; take heed and step back yourself to evaluate. Good luck
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