FaithInTheDark Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 I met this guy thru a mutual friend and hit it off right away. We had some drinks, danced and chatted non stop. My friend was mentioning setting us up before hand but the thing was - he was unhappily married and everyone knew. I was not about to go after a married man but we did end up kissing before we depart ways...I never had a connection with a guy like this since my ex A couple months went by and he reached out , told me he separated his wife and moved out. He set up a date and I thought what the hell? I have nothing to loose. Well, the date went magically and we hooked up. He did mention his separation from his wife was hurt him a lot more than he thought but, meeting me gave him hope that there's other good women out there. He's seem really receptive towards communication, and future hang outs but only seems if I initiate first since the first date. We ended up hanging out in a group setting and I feel like I got mixed signals...like being distant and not straight forward enough for me to feel clear about us. He's also agree how well the date went and looks forward to seeing me as well. The thing is, he doesn't reach out very much and I don't want to be the one putting in the effort. I've expressed that I'm into him and told him to give me call to hang out again It's been almost 1 week and I haven't heard anything. We have such a great connection and I like him a lot. I don't want to let go so easily but I don't want to waste my time. I'm wondering if I should ask him to hang out one more then and see how the one and one goes...and make a decision from there. Or just back away completely and see if he messages me?
darkmoon Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 back away, he is not divorced, not yet, he is only half-divorced, separated he may even be patching things up at home let him patch, if that fails, he will be back in his own sweet time date others in the mean time 2
preraph Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Two huge things at play -- take it from someone who's had more than her fair share of separated/divorcing men -- He's going through a traumatic breakup. Your needs pale in comparison to this. And this will be going on for at least a year as divorce proceedings progress. They will get back together at least once as they are dividing their things and sharing memories and getting sentimental. Second, and most applicable to you. A newly separated/divorced man is not going to usually want to just get serious with the next woman because he is now free for the first time in a long time and he wants to carouse and see how many women he can sleep with and what quality of women he can attract. So don't ever think it's just you. It's not. No matter what he says. He is looking. Third, two men in this situation have told me "I can't imagine never having sex with my wife again." So if they can work out noncommittal sex with her going forward, they will. 2
Zahara Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Dating a newly separated man is dangerous. They're emotionally unavailable, still healing from their past and you don't want to get entangled in a situation where he's only with you because you are a distraction from his pain. Also, beware of the possibility of reconciliation with the ex. I've seen it happen before. The both have to much to detangle. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 The biggest thing about people who've just broken up is that they are dangerously unavailable to YOU if the break up is very recent and they've been back out into the dating world for but a short time. I think, for men especially, after getting out of a long relationship, they are looking to 'explore' as much as possible before entertaining the idea of getting into another LT relationship and monogamy. This guy is 'inbetween', not even divorced. There is VERY LITTLE INCENTIVE for him to make you a long term priority. 1
lurker74 Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Dating a newly separated PERSON is dangerous. They're emotionally unavailable, still healing from their past and you don't want to get entangled in a situation where THEY'RE only with you because you are a distraction from THEIR pain. Also, beware of the possibility of reconciliation with the ex. I've seen it happen before. The both have to much to detangle. Fixed it for you, because everything you say applies equally to women as it does to men. As a formerly separated man (now divorced), I can say that the first few months are not fruitful not because I was out looking to score (although that was fun) but because I had no real idea what I wanted. Dated a woman I really liked and thought the relationship had legs only to wake up one day and be no longer interested (no other person...just all those feelings evaporated). So if you have to chase him, it's probably not a great idea. The good news is that you will have a connection with someone else at some point...just keep looking. If this guy is great, he'll come back.
elaine567 Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 NEVER and I reiterate NEVER, get involved with anyone who has unfinished business with their ex. A newly separated man has unfinished business with his ex. It will be you that gets very hurt here. 2
BaileyB Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Agreed. As one who was burned by a man who had been separated for over two years, and called it off because he felt he had unfinished business and needed time... I think you would be best to give him time to let things settle... 2
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 You never ever date a person that is just recently separated. I mean I am surprised you are even asking it's so common sense to not touch that. Those people have their whole life to figure out, they have ups and downs and have no clue themselves what they want. One day you're better than sliced bread and the next you don't exist. Drop it. 4
Dis Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 I'm not sure if this has been mentioned but its a key red flag... He kissed you while he was still with his wife = he cheated He may not have had sex with you but its still cheating none the less A good man with a strong moral compass would wait until he was seperated If I were you I wouldnt trust his as far as I could throw him If he'll do it with you...he'll do it to you And as the others have noted...dont date a newly separated man Best to move on...this is a messy situation in more ways than one 1
Miss Peach Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 I know several people who have been burned in that situation. In any case, divorce and ending a marriage was one of the most stressful times in my life. Having said that I am currently dating someone who had been separated a year when I met him and has since filed papers. He was initially very much in a 'me' mindset rather than a 'we' mindset and I nearly broke up with him several times over it and how he treated me as a result of that. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 As someone who has been burned in this situation recently (with a man who was separated for close to 3 years), don't go there. There was way too much communication with the ex and weirdness as they were still very much entangled and she wanted him back. In many ways, I felt almost like a pawn in their power games. I walked away which is the best thing I ever did. He still hasn't even filed for divorce. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Has he at least moved out of the house? I was with someone who was separated, he had moved out of the house about two years before. As far as I knew it was all said and done between him and her, they had not been in communication over anything for a long time. But I was wary about it, you never know what is/isn't happening. Plus you don't want to be in a rebound situation either, and a separated man is rebound city.
Arieswoman Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I agree with others who have said "don't go there". I was caught out twice by "separated" men who swore that they were over their wives but weren't. Tell him to come back when he has Decree Absolute pinned on his chest 1
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Apart from the ex complicating things, there is also the fact that you are the rebound and the fact that once he gets his confidence restored on the back of your support he will often want to move on to exploring his new found freedom. Even if he adores you, a part of him will say he cannot just go off with the first woman he saw once he separated, he has to find out what else is out there. Some men will lean heavily on you until his decree absolute is through but once truly free, he will be looking for other women, either just women in general, as many as possible sometimes, or for true "wife material". It is usually a minefield and it can all blow up in your face at any time. 2
Superchicken Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Hi Faithin the dark... Cant say too much, as I'm about to go to dinner, so a quick one for you.. Wait !. That's it. He's separated, so there is a good chance he may get back with his ex. I don't know why they broke up, but, rest assured, he will be thinking of her, and where she will be going, and with who... Men don't just let go, especially when there's another man involved. Makes no difference whether we are separated, as we keep thinking "She's mine".. All this crap has to blow over, and further, the mess of separation. This will wreak havoc with his emotions, and the play on yours. You want full attention (And well deserve it, as any one else), but we wont be able to give it. There will be spurts here and there, but then, depression, anger, and jealousy. He needs to totally separate his previous life and feelings from your potential relationship. This will take time. Stay friends, and monitor the status. Go for the kill when the sky is clear !. Good luck. Ted. (Late for dinner) 2
OatsAndHall Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I was completely separated from my wife and the divorce was underway when I started dating again. It wasn't a good idea for me to be doing so.. I treated the women I dated well but I was lonely, depressed, and was using dating to help ease that. It wasn't the good for me or the women that I saw. I was over my wife and had no intentions of going back to her but I should've been working in myself and my issues and not using dates as a distraction. 1
MoreThanThat Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 My best advice: walk now before you find yourself caring so much that you can't walk. I'm in a situation now with someone separated. Long-time good friend. I thought I'd be able to stay in 'friend' space emotionally with him as lines got crossed and I couldn't. Since things changed with us, he will rarely talk about his own emotions related to his marriage but it's always there. I feel confident in saying he'd go back to her if she said she wanted to try even though it had always been a crappy marriage. 2
carhill Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I dated a few ladies while separated and, many years down the road, am a bit sorry I quit because over time I came to not like ladies much, something that likely wouldn't have happened if I had stayed socially active through the divorce. Men vary widely since we're not a hive mind so my advice to the OP is to take this stuff as any other dating experience, eyes wide open and without expectations other than have a good time in the moment. If it stops being a good time move on. Most of the time it does stop being a good time at some point. Life is like that. Sometimes a bunch of moments string together and you end up holding each other in the twilight of life. Now, the guy my exW was dating and living with while we were separated, they're still living together some 8 years later so there's one success story for you, genders reversed of course. 1
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