NeoIQ Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 I recieved this from my girlfriend that has been gone for 9 days now. Is it me, or is she sounding like she was abused? This is totaly confusing. She tells me when she left that I needed to be more compassionate, kinder and gentler. And then I get this today. It sounds rather extreme. She is a writer by trade, so I'm not sure if she is being creative in her writing here or what. I have not had any time since I moved out. You've been calling, emailing, or coming by every day. Look, I know this is hard on you, and I'm sorry for that, but you are not helping things by constantly trying to talk to me. I'm glad you're trying to make changes, but the fact is you should have been doing those kinds of things all along - not wait until I left to all of a sudden make drastic changes. You created this situation, and I warned you time and time and time again of what would happen. I told you repeatedly that I wasn't happy, that I wanted to leave, and now that I have, you act surprised. I wasn't joking all those times. I deserve better. Life is too short to be unhappy and I will not play these games with you any longer. I'm done with it. What I'm saying is that my feelings for you are not what they used to be. I'm probably not ever going to come home, and you need to start dealing with that. I don't feel like starting over with you. I think the time for that is past - too much has been said and done for me to really feel good about you again. I told you before that your actions were just chipping away at me, at my feelings for you, at my spirit, and that's what's happened - you've basically killed my feelings for you. To be honest, I haven't been in this relationship in a really long time. It took a lot of courage/strength for me to leave - not because I didn't want to, but because I feared your reaction. I'm not stupid. I know that once it settles in for you that we're probably not going to get back together that things between us are going to get ugly - you'll hurt the house or you'll hurt me, you'll sue me or whatever - you'll find someway to hurt me. I know that, but it's worth it. I'd rather be ruined financially or be dead than live like I was living, with someone who didn't give a **** about my feelings or what he said or did to me. I'm better than that and I will not do that again for anyone - not even you. Lesson learned.
doodlefairy Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 I left my long-term bf of 17 years for the exact same reasons. I felt dead inside for a couple of years and finally chose to just end it - coming to this decision also inflicted pain on myself because I finally realised that this person doesn't really love me otherwise he would have sat down and actually thought about what I was telling him for months (even up to 3 years) before-hand... thus he had absolutely no respect for my feelings and invalidated them, caring only for himself. I also had to summon up the courage and willpower to be able to just cut ties and move on. It hurt me so much.... It was a decision that has lead to me being happy again though and I knew deep down that I had to do this. You have most probably been neglecting her needs and feelings (and this probably for a longer period of time) and she has most probably been giving you her everything. One day, we women (who still have any respect for themselves) just walk out on you and that's just the way it is. Depending on how you treated her, disrespected her, invalidated her thoughts and feelings, maybe even put her down with petty remarks.... then yes, it is emotional abuse. My ex ignored me to the extent that I felt we didn't even live in the same world as each other. Women need men to SHOW that they love and respect them - at all times.. that is what love is.. for better or worse ya know? People who truly love the other will work through bad situations together, leaning on one another for support. Not just drift off to the point that you could be brother and sister... and ones that never even talk. My ex still calls me nearly every day. He still sends me emails from work. He swears by God that he was just too stupid to see that he was losing me by the way he treated me. He desperately wants me back and his calling/emailing/not leaving me alone cause me to move farther away than ever. You know, we have been split up now for 1 and a half years so maybe people can imagine how sick I am of all of it. In our situation it is hard for him to cut completely because we have a child and I couldn't deny my child her father. It's a difficult situation still. I care for him but he killed any kind of feelings of "love" as lovers love each other and I used to love him unconditionally. It was stupid. Won't do that again. Ever. People want what they can't have. You can't have her and you're not leaving her breathing room to come to any decision EXCEPT to not want you at all. If she is afraid you may hurt her in some way, you must have done something for her to feel that way. She sounds a lot like me when I left him for good. Sorry I couldn't give you a more positive message. Good luck.
Mz. Pixie Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 Sounds like she left you and she's not coming back. I don't think that she's saying you abused her but you didn't meet her needs. I hate to say this but with her resolve it sounds like she may have met someone else. Leave her alone before she files some type of charges against you.
Author NeoIQ Posted August 4, 2005 Author Posted August 4, 2005 Thanks for your reply. The thing is I've never done anything for her to be "affraid". That is what is so confusing about this email. Another things she says "It took a lot of courage/strength for me to leave - not because I didn't want to, but because I feared your reaction". My reaction was to help her get some furniture, move it to her new place, put together some of that furniture in a box for her, set up her TV, get her computer going, etc. Now, what is the fear of that? The way I found out she was leaving, two guys with a moving truck show up at my door. She wasn't here, they had the wrong day, came a week early, and she hadn't had the chance to tell me yet. Tha'ts how I found out. So, If I were going to show a temper I think I would have just thrown her stuff out in the yard that day, not live together for another week, knowing those moving guys were coming back. It's just confusing.
d'Arthez Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 It is not about being afraid for your physical presence per se. But more how you would respond emotionally after she moved out. Afraid that you would be desperately trying to get her back. She is a writer, and presumably is a bit familiar with human behavior, so she will have been aware of the consequences this might have had on you. You may have "loved" her more than the world, but you may not have given her enough reason to love you. I know it sucks, but judging by what she has written, she had tried to explain that time and again. You did not change, so she took the only decision that was right for her - she left. Try not to call and contact her. It makes it easier for you and her, to deal with this. Things don't look good for a second chance though .
Author NeoIQ Posted August 4, 2005 Author Posted August 4, 2005 In the ten days she has been gone, she's come over here and watched TV two nights, came over and took a shower with me, came over and took a bubble bath, I've been over there and had dinner and watched TV one night. When I call, or email it's about the animals, bills, mail, etc... I don't do it for idle chit chat. I received 12 emails from her in three hours prior to this last email. If she didn't want to talk on the phone why answer? If she didn't want to email, why read it and why respond? If she didn't want to see me why come over and watch TV or take a shower? That just adds to the confusion of this email.
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