Having trouble healing

[Mbell8970]

About 3.5 months ago, my ex of 2.5 years broke up with me. He is 23 and I am 25. We moved quite quickly in the beginning phases of our relationship, moving in right away and getting a place together. But we ended up working so well together and we fell into a deep love and created a deep connection. Of course we had our ups and downs, a few big fights, we each had insecurities and jealousy which caused arguments at times but we worked through all of this as best as we could. I guess the 2 major issues that we had in our relationship were 1) he could be quite controlling when it came to money, and he always seemed to have a specific plan of how his life needed to go (meet someone, get married, buy a house, have kids) and I believe this was due to outside influences from his family, but in hindsight I think he felt pressured into it all. and 2) he seemed to want our life to go exactly like his parents lives had, and he would always compare my family to his (saying they weren't outgoing enough, or involved enough in our lives etc) and this caused him to resent my family when they didn't live up to this standard. Then in turn, I started to resent my family too and it caused a lot of negativity.

Anyway, despite all of this we were in love. We went on vacations and road trips, we introduced each other to our friends and made mutual friendships, we had big family dinners at holidays, we did new activities together, we made each other laugh, we were goofy and silly and so comfortable with each other, we are both very affectionate and had an amazing sex life, we got each other through the hard times and encouraged each other to accomplish our goals, we mutually talked about marriage and kids and planned to buy a house together in the near future.

last January, we had a fight on New Years Eve. It was over something stupid and trivial that escalated on both sides and it ended up ruining our night. We talked the next morning and worked it out and everything was fine. Over the next 3 weeks my ex was being extremely close to me, almost needy in a way, more than usual. It's like he was trying to hang on to something really tight because he maybe new that he needed to let it go soon. One night he just told me that he wanted to break up and he didn't really know why. He said he tried picturing life without me as his girlfriend, and he truly didn't want that but he felt something was missing. He cried uncontrollably and so did I, and he couldn't give me any answers.

He was so confused that he had to drive to his moms place first thing in the morning the next day and talk to her so that he could figure out what was wrong. He came back and told me that he felt that I would be unhappy in the future. He felt he was holding me back in life in some way. I was devastated and did not share these feelings in any way. This is the man I wanted to spend my life with. He then just said that there was something wrong with him and he needs to 'find himself'. He said this doesn't have to be forever, this break could make us stronger, I should still have hope etc.

 

Fast forward, I move out, 2 weeks of no contact and then I show up at his house with a love letter that I read him. We both cry some more and he continues to tell me that I should still have hope and he just needs to find himself. He asks me for coffee the next weekend, and I find out that he has started taking steroids, like heavy injectable steroids and they are making him feel good about himself (he's always been insecure about his body). Anyway, during the meeting he acts like we are still a couple in a way, holding my hand, hugging me, sitting close to me, talking like we used to. But still saying that 'hes not ready yet', 'maybe in the future'.

Over the next few weeks we become close again, having sleepovers, going for dinner, texting, talking, watching movies, sleeping together. He would tell me that he loves me still and always will, he just doesn't know what he wants. At the same time he would say that he is worried he might never find someone else like me.

 

During all of this, he is hiding from me that he is dating other women. which he started doing right after the breakup. Then about 2.5 months after the breakup he meets a 19 year old girl and they instantly hit it off, start sleeping together, weekend trips together, meeting each others families etc. (all in the span of 3 weeks). He contacts me less and less and then I freak out and call him (regrettably) asking why he's pulling away all of a sudden after stringing me along for so long. He gets upset and tells me hes never coming back and we will never be together again. Him and the new girl still seem to be going strong.

 

Does anyone have any insight? I just can't help but feel like it's my fault and that there's something that I did to cause him to want to find someone 'better'

[ExpatInItaly]

You didn't cause this.

 

He's too young to settle and commit, and he used you for comfort and affection until he found someone else.

 

Let him go so you can heal. He showed you he's not the same guy you fell in love with and eventually, you will be glad he is gone.

[preraph]

I think what happened is because you two did get together so young. He began to realize he needed to be young for a while before settling back down and he wanted to explore, obviously. He knew if he stayed with you, committed, he would end up cheating because his mind was already straying. So he broke up but them let you back in (I hate this part) as "just one of the women." Men think they can do this and their main fear about breaking up is that the woman won't just keep seeing them but without them having any obligations. So this sucks and isn't fair and I don't know any women who would think like this and do the opposite to a man. Grrrr. It's wrongheaded thinking. He "undid" the commitment and got the best of both worlds for awhile: You and new women. Until it blew up in his face like it always does.

 

There's nothing for it but for you to lick your wounds and then start socializing and dating again. You can't hope for reconciliation because if you take him back after that, he will just assume you always will take him back no matter how much skirt chasing he does. So time for a new man.

[Mbell8970]

Thank you for the replies. I just don't understand if he wanted to enjoy the single life, why is he jumping right into another relationship so quickly? I'm going through the whole 'what's wrong with me' 'what does she have that I don't' mentality right now and it's killing me. I mean all couples go through highs and lows and bad times and good times, I just feel like he gave up on our relationship so easily.

[mikeylo]

He is at an age where he wants to try different things. It has nothing to do with you. The more you think its you, worse it will be for you. Its not going to change his mind. Start thinking about you.

[Mbell8970]

So I went out last night and ran into my ex. I was told that he would not be at the party, but he ended up showing up there, with the new girl that he is seeing. I was gracious and said hi to both of them. He proceeded to call me 'babe' when he first saw me. he then spent the rest of the night acting like I was nobody, and making out with his girlfriend constantly when I was in plain view. I didn't say anything or cause a scene. But it got to a point where I was standing up in the loft of the apartment and they were below, making out. I tipped my drink slightly so that a tiny bit splashed onto their heads. It startled them a bit but it really was nothing major. My ex ran up the stairs and asked if I had just done that, I said yes I did, calmly. And he said 'you're lucky you're cute'. Wtf?

The next morning he texted me and told me that what I did with the drink was wrong and immature. I apologized for it, but told him that throughout this whole process he has don't nothing but lie to me, string me along and treat me like garbage, then proceed to make out in front of me with his new girl all night. If the worst I did was splash a bit of my drink on him, that's not bad.

What is wrong with this guy? Am I in the wrong?

[Whodatdog]

Yes, you are wrong. You two arent together. You have no claim on him. You had a little jealous fit, which is understandable, but not right, and doesnt make you look very good.