I regret how I asked her

June 2, 2017

I'm not sure how to really word this so I'll just post the conversation and you all can tell me if I did a horrible job or a good job

"I know you work two jobs as do i and I understand school and work is more important but can we do dinner some night and go to a art museum. Not a formal date or anything. Just a nice dinner and we can talk face to face and get to know each other more."

Her reply was "well that's fine obviously"

Then i went stupid "well i wasn't sure sometimes you can be hard to read."

She asked "you really think so"

Then i explained myself and said " eh at times. I don't know. Sometimes v you haven't gave clear cut answers BUT. You do seem pretty honest so i can't see you just leading someone one if your weren't interested"

I feel like I really really asked in a stupid way

By saying "not a formal date" I just meant it as a no pressure get together. Its a date but nothing like we're gonna keep calling it a date

June 2, 2017

My friend, if you're interested in a woman, be direct and confident and ask her out with specifics -- Xday, Xtime, Xplace. And, if you want it to be a "date", make it a date. Don't be wishy washy and try to manage her down in terms of expectations/pressure. If she feels it's pressure, then she's not that interested in actually dating you and it's better to know now than later.

June 2, 2017

I still can't get over how dinner and the art museum isnt a date.

If its not a date, what is it?

June 2, 2017

It IS a date. "Formal date" to me seems like a very dressed up serious thing

I just want this to be casual , getting to know one another seeing if there's chemistry

It's more of a casual date

June 2, 2017

I'm just glad I'm not the only one who makes terrible mistakes like this one lol.

But yeah, You have to be straight up with it and don't put a label on it. Like don't specify if getting together is a date or not a date. Just invite out and meet or pick her up. Its also in the context of the conversation too. Like why are you guys communicating, where do you know each other from.

So if you are both texting with the intent of getting to know each other hoping it develops romantically....then if you do invite her out and say "I will pick you up...." so if you ask or imply you will be picking her up, that sounds date like. If You say "how about we meet...." that's more neutral, but could still be a date.

Unless you are already friends and picking her up from her place that's also neutral unless maybe you haven't done it before.

Anyways the point is you can get across a "message" or implication by the words you use without directly saying it. That's why in person you try to gauge if they want to be kissed by their body language. They don't always and very rarely verbally say "kiss me" or "i want to be kissed"

June 2, 2017

I should have added . we have met once before. We've been talking for awhile

So its not like we don't really know each other

I mean should i re text her and explain myself more?

I feel like i came off as i have no confidence

June 2, 2017

To me a "formal date" means "I am not just asking you to hang out with me I am interested in you romantically and not just as a friend."

By telling her it was not a formal date, you effectively told her you were not interested in her and that she was just a friend and not to get her hopes up for anything more.

June 2, 2017

Was there more to the conversation where you actually nailed down a date and time to do this? Because if not, you still don't have a date so I don't really see what you accomplished.

You obviously recognize that you could've gone about this better, but I'll break it down for you further.

"I know you work two jobs as do i and I understand school and work is more important but can we do dinner some night and go to a art museum. Not a formal date or anything. Just a nice dinner and we can talk face to face and get to know each other more."

Don't frontload your request for a date with a bunch of reasons why she should say no. This sounds so wishy washy and insecure, as if you are asking but fully expect her to say no. I don't care how busy she is -- if she likes you, she will make time for a date.

Your explanation that it isn't a "formal date" is confusing. Dinner and an art museum is obviously a date. Your hedging makes it sound like you don't actually think it's a date, but rather a friends thing, which obviously isn't your intention. It's a date.

Her reply was "well that's fine obviously"

This is the equivalent of "duh." You overexplained yourself.

Then i went stupid "well i wasn't sure sometimes you can be hard to read."

Instead of saying this, you should've nailed down the time and date for the date. This makes you sound even more insecure.

She asked "you really think so"

Then i explained myself and said " eh at times. I don't know. Sometimes v you haven't gave clear cut answers BUT. You do seem pretty honest so i can't see you just leading someone one if your weren't interested"

This is all just too much. Stop explaining yourself. You shouldn't be getting into deep discussions about this kind of crap when you haven't even been on a date. It comes across as really insecure.

So your next step is to forget the above discussion ever happened, and to ask her specifically with a date and time when she can get together. You propose some date and time first and let her say whether she is busy or not. If she is busy and she wants to date you, she will counter with a date and time that she is available. You need to say no more than "Are you available on Thursday at X time for dinner?"

June 2, 2017

I should have added . we have met once before. We've been talking for awhile

So its not like we don't really know each other

I mean should i re text her and explain myself more?
I feel like i came off as i have no confidence

No, the more you try to mitigate the worse it gets. If you have insecurities, don't telegraph it. Your next message should be the time and place, and saying that you're looking forward to seeing her. Quit apologizing and half-assing. You're a guy asking a woman out on a date... because you're interested. She's accepting for the same reason. No hidden agendas. Just be real.

June 2, 2017

I should have added . we have met once before. We've been talking for awhile

So its not like we don't really know each other

I mean should i re text her and explain myself more?
I feel like i came off as i have no confidence

NO !!!!

Just go on the date and let it flow. IF it goes well, practice for the next one

June 2, 2017

I'm not sure how to really word this so I'll just post the conversation and you all can tell me if I did a horrible job or a good job

"I know you work two jobs as do i and I understand school and work is more important but can we do dinner some night and go to a art museum. Not a formal date or anything. Just a nice dinner and we can talk face to face and get to know each other more."

Her reply was "well that's fine obviously"

Then i went stupid "well i wasn't sure sometimes you can be hard to read."

She asked "you really think so"

Then i explained myself and said " eh at times. I don't know. Sometimes v you haven't gave clear cut answers BUT. You do seem pretty honest so i can't see you just leading someone one if your weren't interested"

I feel like I really really asked in a stupid way

By saying "not a formal date" I just meant it as a no pressure get together. Its a date but nothing like we're gonna keep calling it a date

What you said, to me, was fine and dare I say GOOD---up until the point where you said that "you can't see her leading someone on if you were interested". The reason why in my opinion is that:

A) that's an insecure thing to say

B) it puts her on the defense (likely she will either be combative back OR most likely she will say what you want to hear....for now...in order not to take on the label you were insinuating (dishonest).

C) Also it doesn't need stating because it is implied. From both ends really. If you feel lead on a worthy guy is gonna move on & a worthy girl will not lead you on. Of course, people do this stuff all the time! But if you really want an answer, which this statement was trying to force, this is not the way to get it--leading with insecurity and putting the other person on the defense. You can also proceed with your life if you feel lead on easily--that's what a confident guy with options would do--so don't say this stuff in the future. The rest was fine, including where you call her hard to read--that offers a chance for her to explain herself. She may STILL be the type of person who just says what you want to hear in the moment. Her actions prove that she is still deciding and doing stuff with you is not a priority. May or may not be for a bad reason.

Good luck

June 2, 2017

If you like her and want it to be a real date, tell her!! Don't try and cover it up if you like her. I made that mistake and got hurt in the long run.

June 2, 2017

I should have added . we have met once before. We've been talking for awhile

So its not like we don't really know each other

I mean should i re text her and explain myself more?
I feel like i came off as i have no confidence

No don't re text her. It will only make it worse and make you look desperate, you shouldn't ever have to explain yourself unless she asks or are in person and she is clearly confused

June 2, 2017

Tip: a very interested person WILL make time to see you regardless of their busy schedule. If you have to chase them down...and then they say yes, that just means you wore them down. You shouldn't have to make a huge effort to get someone to go out with you...it should be "effortless".

June 2, 2017

She said. Obviously so idk why im worrying tbh

I mean she said yes not maybe

June 2, 2017

I mean should i re text her and explain myself more?
I feel like i came off as i have no confidence

If you do, you will put yourself in a downward spiral of neediness and make you look like a PITA to her...like you're high maintenance.

You are better off just saying, "Next XXX...let's do dinner at 7:30 at XXXX". If she commits at all and she shows or she cancels you know what's up. You know to move on or not.

I was trying to see a girl like that and she was showing a lot of interest but continually cancelled last minute. She would then suggest plans another day, then cancel again. What did it for me is after about 2-3 months of this I saw a couple of times on her FB where she had after work drinks and Friday nights out with friends. In one case someone asked her on a Tuesday if she was going to meet up after work on Friday and she said yes. My first thought was, gosh, she is going to cancel. Sure enough she somehow found time to go out and nothing came up last minute, her kid didn't suddenly need a ride to practice, her husband didn't suddenly have to work late and not take the kid, her sister that babysat didn't suddenly have something come up....

At that point I couldn't care less and when I dropped her on social media and deleted her number, 2 days later I got a text saying how I was not being an adult and talking with her. You won't win here and calling her on what she is doing, even though you are right won't make her think she is not being fair to you because she won't see it that way.

Ask her straight up and not in a needy way. Don't expect her to tell you where you stand because it will never happen. Determine where you stand by her actions and nothing else.

June 2, 2017

Was there more to the conversation where you actually nailed down a date and time to do this? Because if not, you still don't have a date so I don't really see what you accomplished.

You obviously recognize that you could've gone about this better, but I'll break it down for you further.

Don't frontload your request for a date with a bunch of reasons why she should say no. This sounds so wishy washy and insecure, as if you are asking but fully expect her to say no. I don't care how busy she is -- if she likes you, she will make time for a date.

Your explanation that it isn't a "formal date" is confusing. Dinner and an art museum is obviously a date. Your hedging makes it sound like you don't actually think it's a date, but rather a friends thing, which obviously isn't your intention. It's a date.

This is the equivalent of "duh." You overexplained yourself.

Instead of saying this, you should've nailed down the time and date for the date. This makes you sound even more insecure.

This is all just too much. Stop explaining yourself. You shouldn't be getting into deep discussions about this kind of crap when you haven't even been on a date. It comes across as really insecure.

So your next step is to forget the above discussion ever happened, and to ask her specifically with a date and time when she can get together. You propose some date and time first and let her say whether she is busy or not. If she is busy and she wants to date you, she will counter with a date and time that she is available. You need to say no more than "Are you available on Thursday at X time for dinner?"

Agreed with all but the bolded. Borrow a page from Corey Wayne's book and simply say "When are you free to get together?"

This way you are not locking her down into a specific day / time which she may be busy. You are allowing her to offer a time when she knows she is free.

If you get anything else other than a day and time from her consider it time to bail. If she says "I'm not sure" or "Maybe tuesday" say "Sounds like your schedule is pretty booked. Why don't you reach out to me when you are sure about your availability".

I've used this many times and it always works. A very interested woman will not give you this type of grief, but if she is on the fence it's a good way to maintain your masculinity. Then, you can charm her panties off on the date.

The way you came off is weak and needy. As a result she will test you to see if you have balls. Pass her tests by being able to walk away. If she doesn't give you a date / time then you just saved yourself some money.

June 3, 2017

If she doesn't consider it a date or doesn't want it to "be" a date, then she's not interested. Simple as that.

I would cut her loose immediately.

Love how the OP is walking on egg shells.

June 3, 2017

I think what stood out immediately was that you said not a "formal date," which I read to not be a "real date." Okay then, what is it? Interested romantically or not? I can understand wanting to clarify her position and yours, but without even having had a date or spending time together for a bit of time, you're putting a lot of stress into something that hasn't even happened yet, so this mention of her "wishy-washy" nature really would have been left unsaid. I don't know what kind of relationship you've had prior. It can have it's place, but not knowing your relationship, I can't really say.

I think you could do well with both naming a specific event you'd like to do and also offering for her to let you know when she's free. I wonder if it would be a good idea to start small, as in time, since she is extremely busy. It would be easier to commit to a couple hours of dinner/drinks or museum, then it would several hours for a dinner and museum, but certainly keep the door open for both. You know her well enough, I'm assuming, that she would enjoy the museum? "I was thinking about going to the opening exhibit on Friday, have dinner first, or please let me know when your schedule is free."

You can shmooze her on your date. It can be awkward at first and texts can often be mis-read no matter how well you try to phrase things, so it's that one-on-one that's really going to hit it home.

June 5, 2017

I think what stood out immediately was that you said not a "formal date," which I read to not be a "real date." Okay then, what is it? Interested romantically or not? I can understand wanting to clarify her position and yours, but without even having had a date or spending time together for a bit of time, you're putting a lot of stress into something that hasn't even happened yet, so this mention of her "wishy-washy" nature really would have been left unsaid. I don't know what kind of relationship you've had prior. It can have it's place, but not knowing your relationship, I can't really say.

I think you could do well with both naming a specific event you'd like to do and also offering for her to let you know when she's free. I wonder if it would be a good idea to start small, as in time, since she is extremely busy. It would be easier to commit to a couple hours of dinner/drinks or museum, then it would several hours for a dinner and museum, but certainly keep the door open for both. You know her well enough, I'm assuming, that she would enjoy the museum? "I was thinking about going to the opening exhibit on Friday, have dinner first, or please let me know when your schedule is free."

You can shmooze her on your date. It can be awkward at first and texts can often be mis-read no matter how well you try to phrase things, so it's that one-on-one that's really going to hit it home.

I was thinking more of a casual date

we are going tonight

i hope she sees it as a date but well idk now

Sign In

I regret how I asked her

Recommended Posts

thewonderyears888

Redhead14

Whodatdog

thewonderyears888

Fresnite

thewonderyears888

elaine567

clia

salparadise

mikeylo

Versacehottie

Jenn2

Fresnite

smackie9

thewonderyears888

ChatroomHero

SevenCity

TheAntiHero

act00

thewonderyears888

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...