Contacted ex of 6 years after 3 months NC?

[Lovehel]

We broke up abruptly back in February. While he was on holiday with his mother in Italy, where he originally grew up, he told me on the last week he has decided to move back to Italy, by the end of summer at the latest. He expressed how he wants me to join him, how he wants to have a family there etc... I was blindsided by this, as it always seemed he was staying put here. There was never a conversation about this. The fact he told me over the phone, I did not appreciate.

 

When he arrived back, I did not know how to act after he told me his decision on the phone. I avoided seeing him for two days, which he gave me a hard time through text over. I had started counselling at this point, she told me animals follow, humans go together, it made me angry. I ended up texting him saying that the fact he made this life changing decision without me is not okay, how partners should do things together, and that I am not a dog. He replied saying I am done with you. Good luck with your small life, you small person.

 

Part of me regrets not meeting him in person and talking about it. There is a massive void in my life that nothing or nobody will fill. I think about if he ever thinks about me, why he hasn't contacted me, and if he has been with anyone else.

 

About 3 weeks ago I blocked him off facebook as I couldn't stand to see him continuing to live his life without me. His mother was always this massive burden in the relationship, who was very demanding of him, I noticed before I blocked him that they are no longer friends on facebook, there was a status saying he was selling some musical instruments because he is moving out, I wonder if he moved out on his own.

 

Yesterday I facebooked him and he shared this meme where it goes doctor it hurts when I do this, she says do what? he goes exist. For some reason my heart went out to him, and I felt really bad, and wanted to be there for him.

 

I feel I am running out of time, I am wondering if I should contact him before he goes back to Italy. I know I probably sound stupid but I still care about him, and wonder how he is? I miss him a lot, wonder if I should reach out? Even after all the pain he has caused me I still love him a lot. The last thing I want to do is give him an ego boost, and make my pain worse. I feel caught in this should I, shouldn't I. I don't want to regret not reaching out, but am not sure if it will put me in a worse position than I am in. I also don't want to regret reaching out and being burned.

 

By the way I am 24 and we were together 6 years on/off.

[Ronnys93]

Honestly, the fact that he called you a small person I wouldn't bother. Respect yourself, he may be going through a hard time, but he didn't have enough respect to consider you in his life making decisions. You risk doing a disservice to yourself by reaching out. If you really feel like you're going to make contact anyway, I would leave it short. Send a message about how you're wishing him well on his trip, that you hope everything is okay and then BE DONE with it. Don't go back fishing for more conversation, don't ask about anything personal. Just send a well wish and continue going NC. I don't think it's worth the risk in getting sucked back in when he's moving away anyway.

[Lovehel]

Thanks for response. That is what is making me hesitate. I have spent 3 months resisting the urge to contact him, out of self respect after the way he treated me. I don't want to go back on all that hard work, and be left beating myself up thinking what the heck did you do that for. The thought of never seeing or speaking to him again makes me feel sick. But then I think if I did contact him it could go these ways: He could not respond and just be smug about it thinking he is irresistible and I couldn't keep away. He could respond something cruel. He could be very distant and cold( one word answer) or he could be nice and be glad I contacted. I don't know if it is worth taking the chance?

[basil67]

Your counselor was right. But it's shame she didn't talk with you about how to address the problem in a productive manner.

 

First up, instead of sending an text (!), you should have spoken to him in person. Then you should have said something like "I'm unsure about what the future holds for us, but I'd like to work through it together". But what you chose to say was only ever going to start a fight.

 

His reply to you was equally unpleasant, but truly, this is how things go down when you go about addressing problems in the way you did.

 

If you want to make contact with him again, start by apologising for the way you spoke to him last. He will likely also apologise to you for his response and possibly for making the decision without you.

[Lovehel]

Thanks for response. I really do regret not meeting in person and it was a terrible idea to send that over text, you are right.

 

The bit that has me hesitant is apologizing to him? do you not think by doing that I am bowing down to him and looking like a desperate person who wants him back, and then that boosts his ego and I look like a fool?

 

If I could go back I would do things completely differently, I would meet him face to face, and discuss things properly. I just don't know how things would go down now

[basil67]

The bit that has me hesitant is apologizing to him? do you not think by doing that I am bowing down to him and looking like a desperate person who wants him back, and then that boosts his ego and I look like a fool?

 

A person would would take this angle if you reach out would be a truly egotistical person who felt the world revolves around them. If you think this lowly of him, then why would you want to contact him?

 

If this doesn't describe him, then your fears will be unrealised. The way I see it, he's still going abroad and you (I assume) still don't want to go. All you have to do is apologise for the way you spoke to him (do NOT justify your reaction by saying that you did it because you were hurt etc) and tell him that you wanted to wish him well.

[Lovehel]

Okay, so what would the text go like,"Hi, I know it has been a while, I am sorry things ended the way they did. I wish you well and hope you are okay. "

 

To me that feels I am taking full responsibility? when I feel he shouldn't have been telling me that decision over a phone.

 

How about " Hi, it's me. I know it has been a while. The way things ended were unpleasant, but I wanted to wish you well and hope you are okay. "

 

Or not mention the past at all? would that be bad?" Hi, it's me. I know it has been a while, but wanted to wish you well and hope you are okay."

[Ronnys93]

For some reason I skipped over the part about what your counselor said and now I have a bit of a better understanding in what went wrong.

 

I think actually apologizing for the way you went about things on your end would suit the situation better. It is true that him making that decision over the phone was abrupt and impolite, but that's over and done with now. After your apology, wish him well, and then go on about your day. When he responds, if he does, you should gauge his reaction. I honestly think had you both had an actual conversation in person about the move, if you were to break up it would have likely been a bit more civil. If you really want to reach out, go in slowly, apologize, and then take it from there in seeing how things are going on his end.

[Lovehel]

Thanks for this, I am having trouble writing the message, could you give me an idea?

[Ronnys93]

"Hi, I really want to apologize for the way I approached you about the Italy situation. There were better ways that I could have approached the situation. I hope that everything is going well, and that you are doing okay."

 

Something along those lines. Just keep it brief, make sure you're not trying to excuse your actions like Basil said, and just be honest. Show him that you value the friendship/relationship more than the issue here. Then give him space and allow him to react. Try your best not to make or force any expectations on how he is going to react, just let it flow.

[Bromeo]

"Hi, I really want to apologize for the way I approached you about the Italy situation. There were better ways that I could have approached the situation. I hope that everything is going well, and that you are doing okay."

 

Something along those lines. Just keep it brief, make sure you're not trying to excuse your actions like Basil said, and just be honest. Show him that you value the friendship/relationship more than the issue here. Then give him space and allow him to react. Try your best not to make or force any expectations on how he is going to react, just let it flow.

 

As disrespectfully as my ex treated me post breakup (too much to outline here), if she sent me the above text or message, apologized sincerely, and actually wanted to bridge the hurt, I would think seriously about it.

 

Unfortunately, mine won't. At 36, she's still too immature.

 

One thing I will add, is that the previously delineated texts are statements, and ask no questions or take action. A passive statement is something my ex would do to frustrate me, aka:

 

"Thank you for your email (50 days later). I am still looking for peace and love. I hope you are well, and if you were only a better man, we'd be together."

 

The above is an actual email I got after 18 months and her living with me. I agree with the other posters about meeting or calling. I was frustrated by her message, and also very wtf that I wasn't worth anything more than an email, after everything that had gone down.

 

Try this:

 

"Hi, this is (op). I am very sad about how things ended between us, and I apologize for my part In things. I should have acted better. Would you be interested in talking about us?"

 

You show you want to take some action, display confidence, and respect the time apart. Additionally, you are clear, and put the ball in his court to make one of two decisions.

 

For me this is a pleasant fantasy, as my ex would never apologize. I can dream about well adjusted, communicative women who actually think and care about me. Lol

 

My .02

[Lovehel]

Thanks for this. I was thinking of not ending it with a question so then it is upto him if he wants to reply or not. I was thinking if he is still bitter, he might answer to the question saying I am not talking about this, move on. I think it is best Hi, I know it has been a while, but I want to say this. I am very sad the way things ended, I apologize for not handling the whole Italy thing well. I hope it all goes well and that you are okay.

 

Is that a bit long? I don't want it to be mushy either?

 

also I don't think my counselor would agree with me contacting him, she is really pushing me to move on, but I can't help how I feel.

 

would this set me back in all pain and hardship I have gone through with NC for 3 months? It is like I did it for nothing or no?

[Bromeo]

Thanks for this. I was thinking of not ending it with a question so then it is upto him if he wants to reply or not. I was thinking if he is still bitter, he might answer to the question saying I am not talking about this, move on. I think it is best Hi, I know it has been a while, but I want to say this. I am very sad the way things ended, I apologize for not handling the whole Italy thing well. I hope it all goes well and that you are okay.

 

Is that a bit long? I don't want it to be mushy either?

 

also I don't think my counselor would agree with me contacting him, she is really pushing me to move on, but I can't help how I feel.

 

would this set me back in all pain and hardship I have gone through with NC for 3 months? It is like I did it for nothing or no?

 

Well, I think after three months, you should be able to handle whatever answer is given, but speaking as a guy who was dumped, I would like to see more than a passive text.

 

It might set you back, my exs emails to me sure did after a month of nc.

 

Be mushy, open, and display some vulnerability. You being guarded will only force him to keep his guard up.

 

If my ex was sincere, mushy and open, I'd melt. LOL

[Lovehel]

Maybe he doesn't want to here from me at all, and he doesn't care? that is what I am scared of.

 

I know when I asked about contacting before to say happy birthday a few weeks ago, almost everyone was telling me he dumped you, you will lose all your power and the months of hard work if you text him and it will just give him a massive ego boost.

 

So that is why I am hesitant also? what do you think of this? should I just throw all that to wind, and text him?

[Bromeo]

Maybe he doesn't want to here from me at all, and he doesn't care? that is what I am scared of.

 

I know when I asked about contacting before to say happy birthday a few weeks ago, almost everyone was telling me he dumped you, you will lose all your power and the months of hard work if you text him and it will just give him a massive ego boost.

 

So that is why I am hesitant also? what do you think of this? should I just throw all that to wind, and text him?

 

Sweetpea, I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Relationships are not supposed to be this way.

 

You can read all the breakup advice, psychology, and obsess over every detail.

 

Or, you can throw it all out and take a chance. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

Since practicing letting go, I've had multiple exs return to my orbit. I've treated each one with care and respect, even if I didn't want to pursue things. Because simply, I am a good man, respect their feelings and what an outreach would take, and want to keep things light a fun.

 

If your ex is the same, he won't try and hurt you. Although only you know this.

 

Dave

[Lovehel]

This is what I am going to say " Hi, it has been a while but I am very sad for what happened and I apologize for any part I had in that Italy situation. I hope you are doing well. " how about that? I am scared he is going to tell me to get lost or be mean, or get no response. It makes me nervous, I honestly don't know how he could take it. Maybe I will always wonder why if I don't and is worth taking the jump?

[Bromeo]

This is what I am going to say " Hi, it has been a while but I am very sad for what happened and I apologize for any part I had in that Italy situation. I hope you are doing well. " how about that? I am scared he is going to tell me to get lost or be mean, or get no response. It makes me nervous, I honestly don't know how he could take it. Maybe I will always wonder why if I don't and is worth taking the jump?

 

You are confused and uncertain because you aren't acting. Pick a course of action and go for it. Be confident in your decision, and don't try and control the outcome.

 

Dave

[Lovehel]

I did it, I clearly stated my name at the front of the paragraph. He responds saying "who's this?, oh hi, thanks" that was it? he didn't apologize for his part and he pretended not to know who I was?

 

Anyway I just responded saying, you are welcome, take care.

 

I feel better a bit.

[Ronnys93]

I did it, I clearly stated my name at the front of the paragraph. He responds saying "who's this?, oh hi, thanks" that was it? he didn't apologize for his part and he pretended not to know who I was?

 

Anyway I just responded saying, you are welcome, take care.

 

I feel better a bit.

 

Well at least now it's off your chest, now go live your life and resume daily activities. Good job!

[Lovehel]

He just responded "take care".

 

I sent this message cause I want to be honest yet not look desperate "Look it would have been nice if you offered an apology back for you part, but I wasn't expecting one. It seems you don't care. I am glad I did for a multitude of reasons. I have forgiven you anyway, sending love and light your way "

 

I don't care if he doesn't respond or does, all I know is that it hurts that the person my heart loves and pines to be with it can't be, and I had to put that whole logical NC thing away, and let my heart open up again in order to heal.

 

I feel sad and tearful but not in a bad way, for these past 3 months I have being merely existing, I now feel like possibly living again, even with the heartbreak.

[Lovehel]

I was completely stuck in my life and couldn't let go, I read many blogs on forgiveness and apologies, and thought maybe this will do the trick. I also got advice on here, and decided to go for it. He decided to move to Italy by the end of the summer, while he was on holiday there he told me over the phone. He tried to convince me to go, but I am not in a position to. When he came back I refused to see him and sent him angry texts about how selfish he was etc... instead of meeting him in person which I regret. He then told me, he was done with me. He never contacted me for 3 months until I broke it

 

I sent him a message on whatsapp:

 

"Hi this is Lauren. I know it has been a while, but I am saddened by the way things happened between us. I wanted to apologize for my part and the way I handled the situation regarding your decision with Italy. Anyway, hope you are doing well."

 

He replies "who's this?

 

oh hi, thanks"

 

I reply " It's Lauren, You are welcome, take care"

 

He replies " take care"

 

I then say this to which I got no response " It would have been nice if you offered an apology back for your part, but I wasn't expecting one. It seems you don't care. Either way I have forgiven you, wishing you well".

 

I guess I was hoping he would at least ask to see me or something.

 

I can see he is online on whatsapp all the time, and he purposely didn't respond to last message and pretended not to know who I was, I feel sick that this person I love I no longer talk to, he doesn't want to make peace it seems and be friends? it is like he really doesn't give a sh*t. Extremely hurt.

 

Please do not tell me what a stupid mistake or something, I am looking for some support or perspective, thank you.

[Ronnys93]

Eh, I've gotta be honest here. In the other thread, we did tell you that you shouldn't expect a certain response from him. What you did here was you went in thinking that he was going to apologize and admit his wrongs. If you want to apologize to someone, you need to apologize to them because YOU want to do it, not because you expect an apology in return. It's not a stupid mistake, but I think you kind of jumped the gun and may have even pushed him away further by the last text message that you sent. Now he knows what you were really after, and he likely wont give it to you. It makes your apology come off as less sincere as well.

 

As far as support goes, you need to accept his response (which is none) and work back on starting the NC process all over again. Heal for yourself and let it go. If he wants to reach out he will.

[Maldives]

I was completely stuck in my life and couldn't let go, I read many blogs on forgiveness and apologies, and thought maybe this will do the trick. I also got advice on here, and decided to go for it. He decided to move to Italy by the end of the summer, while he was on holiday there he told me over the phone. He tried to convince me to go, but I am not in a position to. When he came back I refused to see him and sent him angry texts about how selfish he was etc... instead of meeting him in person which I regret. He then told me, he was done with me. He never contacted me for 3 months until I broke it

 

I sent him a message on whatsapp:

 

"Hi this is Lauren. I know it has been a while, but I am saddened by the way things happened between us. I wanted to apologize for my part and the way I handled the situation regarding your decision with Italy. Anyway, hope you are doing well."

 

He replies "who's this?

 

oh hi, thanks"

 

I reply " It's Lauren, You are welcome, take care"

 

He replies " take care"

 

I then say this to which I got no response " It would have been nice if you offered an apology back for your part, but I wasn't expecting one. It seems you don't care. Either way I have forgiven you, wishing you well".

 

I guess I was hoping he would at least ask to see me or something.

 

I can see he is online on whatsapp all the time, and he purposely didn't respond to last message and pretended not to know who I was, I feel sick that this person I love I no longer talk to, he doesn't want to make peace it seems and be friends? it is like he really doesn't give a sh*t. Extremely hurt.

 

Please do not tell me what a stupid mistake or something, I am looking for some support or perspective, thank you.

 

 

Hey Lauren it looks like u were looking for some sought of confirmation and it looks like u have sorry it hasn't turned out the way u wanted it to now u have ur answer about where his at. The truth hurts but it sets us free it really does there's only one way from here and that's up