ali000 Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Hi everyone I am a woman in my late 20s. I am married. Our relationship was everything I could have dreamt of in the beginning and he was the fairytale love that supposedly doesnt exist. Later my husband started changing his behavior. I feel like he showed a certain side of himself in the beginning to appeal to me and then after he got me he didnt show that side to himself anymore. I dont think he did so knowingly or with malicious intent, but just wanted me to like him etc. We have been in a pressured situation for many reasons the last couple of years. I have taken this into consideration and I know it has affected us both. However my husband has emotionally and verbally abused me on many occasions and he has also grabbed me and held me so I couldnt move on several occasions while screaming at me which really scared me. He can seem like he doesnt care sometimes with the things he does, but I know that he does love me. He has never hit me or anything like that. However mostly I feel very alone and like he doesnt listen to me nor acknowledge my feelings. I realize this is partially because he is not emotionally mature and I was his first serious relationship. I havent wanted to talk a lot about my negative experiences with him to family or friends because they all love him, he is picture perfect, and I feel its embarrassing. A little while ago I met a man who is older, more mature, and very kind and sincere. Over a little time we grew close. This happened because I saw how sincere he was as a person, and since he doesnt know any of my family or friends I felt comfortable to confide in him about certain things and ask his opinion. Other men who were interested in me would have taken this as an opportunity to tell me to get out of my current relationship, or to try to approach me in a romantic/sexual way. He did neither. He has selflessly been a huge help and support for me, no matter what I am going through giving me advice against his own best interest which I know is that he wants to be with me. I have started developing feelings for this man because he really listens to the things I say and he is so emotionally mature and great at communication and has a lot of insight about himself. This is very attractive to me and something I have been missing in my marriage. I am very exhausted with trying to save my marriage and like I said I feel very alone and like my efforts are not appreciated most of the time. It seems very appealing to just let myself be with this other man, even if I have not figured out what I want to do with my marriage. The second thing is, Im wondering if it might be easier to choose after I have experienced being with this other man, and seeing what might be different to the marriage I have now.... I know that probably sounds horrible and maybe is horrible? My husband is extremely important to me and my priority, but I just recently got to know this other man and I have never met anyone that it was this easy being around as it is with him. I dont know if any of you have experienced a similar situation, but I would love some advice. Thank you!
Unforseen Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 My W has. After 18 years of marriage she met someone similar to the guy you are describing through online chat rooms. That was the start of her emotional affair and also lead to her seeking other attentions with men she met online and while she kept the first guy strictly for her emotional needs, a few others she ended up being involved with for other types of attention and validation such as sexting and picture swapping. It really sounds like you are involved in an emotional affair with this other man. You are investing energy and becoming emotionally intimate with another man that is not your husband while taking those things away from your marriage. From your description of the relationship with your H I can kind of see why investing in this other man is such an attractive thing. He is offering you, freely, things you feel are missing from your marriage. And I'm sure it feels good to be able to share your feelings so openly without any fear of judgement or retribution, to feel the validation and closeness and acceptance that come from being able to be so vulnerable and connected to this other man. In many ways my W could have been writing this same story a couple of years ago. My advice, since your husband and your marriage is of great importance to you, would be to break off your relationship, what sounds like an emotional affair, with this other man. Instead take that energy and invest it in your marriage instead. It won't be easy because you have seen and experienced what happens when you try to have that kind of realationship with your H. If he is anything like I was he does not treat your feelings with the kind of caring and compassion that they deserve and may even look at anything you say that bothers or hurts you as some kind of criticism or attack against him. I would suggest reading a book called Love and Respect. It will offer insights into what your H needs and how to approach him with what you need. https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926 Without a doubt you will need help as you try to turn things around. Please look into getting individual counseling for yourself so you can have a place to safely vent your feelings and receive support without the added temptation of starting an affair and ruining your marriage. And when you and your H are ready for it, marriage counseling will help you both learn some very necessary skills to help keep communication a priority between you and your H. The most important thing my W and I learned in MC was how to both talk and listen to each other in such a way that neither of us took offense or got defensive and yet still remained empathetic and compassionate toward each other even when negative things or hurt feelings were being discussed. Don't worry if it is not an immediate success. It took more than a year for my W and I to feel good that we were communicating to each other effectively and we still mess it up now and then. The important part is that we keep working at it and focusing on improvement. It take a great deal of effort and practice and work to keep a marriage healthy and happy. There will be many times when you will feel overwhelmed or hurt to the point where you want to give it up. But if you can both work together to support and nurture the marriage and love between each other it can become a beautiful thing that will consume your life with joy and comfort.
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 You are certainly emotionally involved...and I wonder if perhaps he is offering you friendship and support...and because you are unhappy...you are in your own mind taking it to the next level...from friendship to infatuation. He may not reciprocate those feelings.....and ypou must know what ypu are feeling is inappropriate. We all need to set boundaries...and you are beginning to move yours....and that can be very dangerous. Take a very close look at yourself. Dont compromise your morals and do something you will regret. Even though this man may not be as emotionally involved with you as you seem to be with him....if you send the signal to him that you want to go to the next level...it could compromise your friendship or it could compromise your marriage. If you no longer love your husband....if you have given up on your marriage and your realtionship with him...please before you cheat on him....divorce him. It is not fair to all involved to cheat. 1
Friskyone4u Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 You are already in an EA big time and now are basically looking for encouragement to see how you feel if you have sex with this OM. No one here has the answer to how you will feel. What many here have is the knowledge through experience to know what the odds are ofna happy outcome once you start physically cheating. You say your husband is important to you . But not important enough to tell him exactly what you have written here , including confessing about your OM. If that does not get his attention then you need to divorce . But yup, it's much easier to Cheat until you get caught, and most get caught . Then you life changes most Likely for the worse . Seems like you already have convinc d yourself to continue to Pursue this affair you are in . Hope you can get off the slippery slope
Cephalopod Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Were you really all that unhappy? Or just bored? Are you sure you are not rewriting your marital history to assuage your guilt for what you are doing to your husband and marriage? 4
mikeylo Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 The only advice I have for you is to either go MC /IC or divorce. Affair is a distraction for a while and in the end it will leave you feeling worse. 4
somanymistakes Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 If you're thinking about exploring things with another man, your husband isn't your top priority, is he? He may still be important to you, but you're definitely not putting him first. While it's understandable to want to try out another relationship before jumping ship, it's also cowardly and childish. You are not a helpless infant that has to be passed from hand to hand. If there are actually problems in your marriage, you should be willing to confront and address them regardless of whether you have some other option available to go to. For one thing, there will always be more options in the future. You don't seem to have any extenuating circumstances that make it impossible for you to face adulthood on your own. So set any thought of this other man aside for now and look at your marriage as it is. If it's unhappy, DO SOMETHING about it. Counseling, whatever. Make changes! And if it's unbearably unhappy, LEAVE. And if when you sit down and look at it you realise that actually your marriage isn't bad enough for you to be willing to take any action to fix it... then that would be a sign that you were just looking for an excuse to cheat. 1
Cephalopod Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 I have been cheated on, and all I can tell you is that if you do this to your husband it will destroy him. It is not your husband's fault you are unhappy. Happiness comes from within, not from what other people give us. If you rely on this other man, or any other person, to bring you happiness, you will be disappointed again and again and again. If you are bound and determined to go to this other man, tell your husband now and let him know you want a divorce so you can be with another. Give him that consideration at least. You owe him that. 1
BluesPower Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Sweetheart... I understand that you think this older "gentleman" is just so nice and wonderful and basically the best thing since sliced bread. So let me explain what he is doing. Before you ask how I know, I know because is have done it many, many times. He is grooming you so that he can get you in the sack. Period. This is what men like him do. Some sweet young thing in a bad marriage, just delicious. And right now you are saying, "Oh, not this guy, he is just so nice". Well of course he is, he wants to have an affair with you. And just so you know, he is probably way better in bed than your husband because he is older and more experience. You will think you have died and gone to heaven. So here is the reality, DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR. If your husband will not go to counseling and get help with his anger and relationship problems, then you divorce him. It really is that simple. You will then be able to take your time and find a grown man to date, unlike your husband, or you can date the older "Gentleman". But do not go down the affair road, it will end in heartache for you and your husband. That is not where you want to be, I promise... 4
Stuck2532 Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 We all need to set boundaries...and you are beginning to move yours....and that can be very dangerous. Take a very close look at yourself. Dont compromise your morals and do something you will regret. If you no longer love your husband....if you have given up on your marriage and your realtionship with him...please before you cheat on him....divorce him. It is not fair to all involved to cheat. Totally agree with Mrs. Adams. I was where you are about 4 years ago. The worst thing I ever did was continue the EA which inevitably leads to a physical affair, which will make you feel better about yourself and like all that was missing in your marriage is now available through this other man. Communication is where most of us young couples fall short. I don't know why, maybe we have been too sheltered and don't know how to express our feelings as well as those older and with more experience. If you really care about your husband, talk to him first, be careful of the way you say things so he doesn't feel like you are blaming him for the way you feel, only that you NEED to communicate your feelings to him because you are both a team and teammates talk to each other to get better at the game and to win it. Don't the same mistakes that many of us did - you can tell by these first few comments. This is my first post and I already feel like my situation was so similar to others' on this forum. Listen to the advise of those that already went through what you are going through now, BUT you must always "do what you feel is right, of course". If the guilt of cheating on your husband will eat you up from the inside out, DON'T DO IT, it is the worst thing to have to live with, during or after the marriage. If you feel like there's no hope with your husband because he "made you fall in love with him" and now has changed, then odds are your relationship won't make it far either way or you will fight to save it but fail and lose years from your youth. I thought of it like you, having only been with my W, and having met someone that I connected with on all levels...it's instinctual to say: this is so much better. But, is it? Try to look forward to how your life would be if you divorced. Would it be better than it is now or worse, even without this older man? Would you be happier without your H? That's not a reason to cheat, but it is a reason to get out of a relationship that's making yo unhappy. 1
Rockdad Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Being married and lonely sucks. It worse than if you were alone and feeling lonely. Read LS stories of EA and affairs. Good lord there must be thousands of them here. Affairs are messy business. You may feel all fuzzy at first at but just stand by because a mess normally ensues. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 If you love your husband & he is a priority, you have to stop talking to this other man. If you "can't" do that just get a divorce. Although you try to make excuses for your husband, acknowledging that he has verbally & emotionally abused but saying that he has never hit you, you seem to gloss over the fact that you also said "he has also grabbed me and held me so I couldnt move on several occasions while screaming at me which really scared me." Do you not understand that his act of grabbing you & restraining you IS PHYSICAL ABUSE? If your husband had not been violent, a fact which you state but refuse to acknowledge, I might encourage you to try MC. But unless that MC is accompanied by anger management, I fear for your safety if you stay. Once your husband finds out about this EA you have embarked upon, are you sure he won't escalate the violence? 3
BaileyB Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 (edited) My husband has emotionally and verbally abused me on many occasions and he has also grabbed me and held me so I couldnt move on several occasions while screaming at me which really scared me. He can seem like he doesnt care sometimes with the things he does, but I know that he does love me. He has never hit me or anything like that. The second thing is, Im wondering if it might be easier to choose after I have experienced being with this other man, and seeing what might be different to the marriage I have now... First thing, the emotional and yes, physical abuse, you have described would be enough for me to leave the relationship. Please don't minimize the situation, emotional and verbal abuse is NEVER ok and restraint is a form of physical abuse. I would not be so quick to assume that this behavior will not continue to escalate. Your husband has issues with impulsivity, anger management, and he does not respect healthy boundaries in a relationship. And the second thing, this other man is clearly grooming you for a sexual relationship. If you want to consent, that is your decision. But, do the right thing and divorce your husband before you hit the sheets with another man. It's just the responsible and honourable thing to do. Edited June 2, 2017 by BaileyB 3
jamiebrown Posted June 4, 2017 Posted June 4, 2017 Really sorry to hear what you're going through. It must have been really hard, and it's normal that you might start having feelings with someone else as your needs are neglected. I don't know your situation fully, but have you doing new things together? Something you can invite him to on what he loves to do, and you two can do what he loves together. I really hope it all turns out well, dear. If you need help, I'm a book author in marriage reparations, and I'm willing to give you my book for free.
Author ali000 Posted June 22, 2017 Author Posted June 22, 2017 Hey everyone I tried finding my thread after I posted it and couldn't find it so I just assumed it never got posted, hence why I haven't seen your comments till now. I have now read through all of your messages and advice and I really do appreciate all of your words. Honestly it really helped me to read this right now! The first thing that happened after I posted this thread is my husband has acted impeccable, he has been so sweet and considerate, doing all the things he knows I like and being romantic and bringing up nostalgic things from our past. I know he felt like he was about to lose me although I had not said anything yet, and he has really surprised me in all the best ways. However I do not know if he has changed his behavior because he has real insight into his mistakes or if he is just trying to please me and put a bandaid on the situation. He is still not able to talk about anything or think about anything, and he has previously said that he just agrees with me sometimes to make the problem go away. Shortly after he started changing his behavior I went on vacation by myself, which I had already planned; far away from my husband and also the other man. I wanted to achieve some clarity on my own for a while. As a matter of fact I did try to see a psychiatrist about this issue while on vacation and I felt really uncomfortable in that situation and felt he was extremely condescending towards me and completely put me off to the idea of opening up to a therapist about this issue. I have a hard time opening up to people about personal issues and I don't trust people easily, and going to a psychiatrist and having such an awful experience was horrible. That being said, the situation I am in has not escalated in any direction. The older man which yes you are right I have been having some kind of emotional affair with (although we have never flirted, complimented each other or talked romantically or sexually) this man at some point actually started changing his behavior towards me and became really cold. I did not understand why at first but he explained to me that it was because he first thought I was sure I was leaving my husband, and thats why he felt ok with being there to support me when I was going through such a hard time, and then it seemed like I changed my mind about leaving my husband. This is true, and the change happened when my husband started changing his behavior towards me. The other man then said that he did not want to influence my thinking in any way, and I need to figure out my situation on my own. From what I know from other people; (as well as later from himself) he has been turning down other women since he got to know me and does not seem interested in getting involved with anyone. I have some times been pretty annoyed that he hasn't been so attentive and talkative as usual, and I have sometimes put him in a weird situation where I've almost demanded for him to be there when it's not good to do that... I have also decided to tell a couple of my closest friends more about my issues with my husband and about this other man. The reason why I don't feel like all my problems with my husband got fixed as soon as he changed his behavior; is because we still can't communicate properly about our problems, and also because I think that I have been traumatized by the situation me and my husband have been in for so long now; that it is like I have shut off that part of me. The idea of expressing my emotions during any situation to my husband; whether that is sadness, anger, happiness, or whatever; that idea scares me and I don't feel comfortable sharing anything with him really. I think this is because I have been vulnerable and shared things with him so many times for so long and he has just continued to deeply hurt me until I shut off that part of myself towards him. I am worried that I will not be able to turn on a gentle open heart towards him again. Also I am worried like I said that his behavior is just a temporary bandaid and that he still has no real insight into what we are struggling with and what needs to be changed. I am still on vacation but I know I have to go back soon. I am fearful about going back and a lot of the fears I am able to understand and diagnose; but then there are also some fears that I feel I can't understand. After spending an entire day with my oldest childhood friend talking about everything with her, I came back to the apartment where I was staying and felt the need to tell the other man that I'm afraid he's going to find someone else. I know this is probably extremely unfair as well as crossing the line, since he told me he did not want to be in contact with me until I figured out the situation with my husband on my own. The other man then replied that there is a reason why he is still single, his parents are still together and he is looking for that one person and he doesn't want to find anyone else. He said he is purposedly staying away from the dating scene and told me that he had done so ever since first coming in contact with me. I then at a later point called him and I feel like I played on his kindness to trick him into agreeing to being more in contact with me again. I know this is very bad for a lot of reasons but honestly I have been in a horrible horrible shape lately mentally and emotionally; really unstable, desperate and destructive. I played on that when calling him because I knew he would not leave me in such a state without being there for me; but at the same time how desperate and depressed I am is actually completely genuine. I know I shouldn't be like this damsel in distress dependent on others always to pull me out of a situation and save me. I know that very well. But have you ever felt so paralyzed in a situation that you feel you can't move in either direction? Kind of like sinking in quicksand; the more you try to move the faster you sink... It's like I've become almost childlike again; trying to involve other people and trying to force them to make these decisions for me So now I guess we are back to square one.... Im going back home in a few days. I honestly feel like just going off a cliff some days
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 ali000, possibly the reason your counseling session didn't work out well and felt awkward is that you went to a psychiatrist whereas you probably should have gone to a psychologist. Who referred you to a psychiatrist?
crystalstevens Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 Hi everyone I am a woman in my late 20s. I am married. Our relationship was everything I could have dreamt of in the beginning and he was the fairytale love that supposedly doesnt exist. Later my husband started changing his behavior. I feel like he showed a certain side of himself in the beginning to appeal to me and then after he got me he didnt show that side to himself anymore. I dont think he did so knowingly or with malicious intent, but just wanted me to like him etc. We have been in a pressured situation for many reasons the last couple of years. I have taken this into consideration and I know it has affected us both. However my husband has emotionally and verbally abused me on many occasions and he has also grabbed me and held me so I couldnt move on several occasions while screaming at me which really scared me. He can seem like he doesnt care sometimes with the things he does, but I know that he does love me. He has never hit me or anything like that. However mostly I feel very alone and like he doesnt listen to me nor acknowledge my feelings. I realize this is partially because he is not emotionally mature and I was his first serious relationship. I havent wanted to talk a lot about my negative experiences with him to family or friends because they all love him, he is picture perfect, and I feel its embarrassing. A little while ago I met a man who is older, more mature, and very kind and sincere. Over a little time we grew close. This happened because I saw how sincere he was as a person, and since he doesnt know any of my family or friends I felt comfortable to confide in him about certain things and ask his opinion. Other men who were interested in me would have taken this as an opportunity to tell me to get out of my current relationship, or to try to approach me in a romantic/sexual way. He did neither. He has selflessly been a huge help and support for me, no matter what I am going through giving me advice against his own best interest which I know is that he wants to be with me. I have started developing feelings for this man because he really listens to the things I say and he is so emotionally mature and great at communication and has a lot of insight about himself. This is very attractive to me and something I have been missing in my marriage. I am very exhausted with trying to save my marriage and like I said I feel very alone and like my efforts are not appreciated most of the time. It seems very appealing to just let myself be with this other man, even if I have not figured out what I want to do with my marriage. The second thing is, Im wondering if it might be easier to choose after I have experienced being with this other man, and seeing what might be different to the marriage I have now.... I know that probably sounds horrible and maybe is horrible? My husband is extremely important to me and my priority, but I just recently got to know this other man and I have never met anyone that it was this easy being around as it is with him. I dont know if any of you have experienced a similar situation, but I would love some advice. Thank you! And this is EXACTLY how my emotional affair started. As I was reading, I swear it felt like I was reading my own bio. Honey, is this older man married? Yes? No? It doesn't matter actually. My affair partner was 14 years older than me, our conversations started out of political interest. But over time, we started talking more and more, and he was always there for me and never to judge me whenever I had marriage problems. He made me feel like I could confide with him on EVERYTHING. We had "so much" in common... the chemistry was "unbelievable" he was "there for me" whenever my husband wasn't. Get out of his life before its too late. You're falling for this man. While my xMM and I never had sex in the 11 months we carried on our emotional affair, we eventually did express our sexual desire for each other. Becoming "addicted" to someone you can't have, it's the worst mistake you can do. Easy to get yourself in, it's nearly impossible to get out. You can't have him, because regardless... you're still married. If your husband truly treats you like sh*t, divorce him already. I'd he TRULY is your priority, why let him treat you like you're his last? If he TRULY is your priority.. you wouldn't be interested in this older man. I know, because whenever my affair was around, for almost year... I didn't even think twice of my husband. Fix your problems at home first before you start creating new ones.
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 ali000, possibly the reason your counseling session didn't work out well and felt awkward is that you went to a psychiatrist whereas you probably should have gone to a psychologist. Who referred you to a psychiatrist? Since this is so short, don't want it to get lost. Who sent you to a psychiatrist?
Author ali000 Posted June 22, 2017 Author Posted June 22, 2017 Since this is so short, don't want it to get lost. Who sent you to a psychiatrist? Hi! Yes I saw that... Actually I chose going to a psychiatrist due to the fact that I had heard better things about psychiatrists than psychologists, and because they have a longer education and I just assumed it was better... Perhaps I went to the wrong place then?
Cephalopod Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 Yopu need to divorce your husband and not cheat on him. Set yourself and him free before you do something you will regret forever.
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 Hi! Yes I saw that... Actually I chose going to a psychiatrist due to the fact that I had heard better things about psychiatrists than psychologists, and because they have a longer education and I just assumed it was better... Perhaps I went to the wrong place then? Most of the time the purpose of a psychiatrist is to evaluate a person for mental illness and the psychiatrist then prescribes medications for the person (again, meds for most, possibly not all). A psychologist is a person you go to who will help you process your issues so that you can identify what it is you, at the core of your being, want and how to get there through behavioral choices. A psychologist is trained in awareness of mental illnesses and other issues that a client may need to address with a psychiatrist and they will send you to one if they think it's needed. Yes, from your posts I would assume you would probably benefit from going to a psychologist for therapy. Before you do, though, check around with folks in your area who've had counseling in order to get recommendations that may help you choose someone suited to your needs. Lots of people seek psychological help so don't feel embarrassed to ask around. I know someone who actually found a counselor who isn't a psychologist who is in such great demand she charges twice what a psychologist would and doesn't accept insurance. I mention this because if there is such a counselor who is highly recommended by folks you respect and seems like a good fit for you don't feel the person has to have their doctorate in order to counsel you effectively.
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 PS There are subspecialties of psychology. A psychologist has his/her PhD, provides counseling and guidance. A clinical psychologist also has PhD but is a specialist trained in recognizing and diagnosing mental illness, although a counseling psychologist can also do so. A psychiatrist has an MD degree so can prescribe meds.
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