JuneJulySeptember Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 My curiosity has gotten the best of me after reading some current threads. I'm curious as to which of these two people would pick as a mate. You CANNOT say neither. If you want to say neither, than don't answer/post. You can answer in words, but more interested in a show of hands. Mate #1: Very physically attractive. Objectively attractive, but most definitely subjectively attractive to you. Very nice person, good character, morals, treats you well, and likes you a lot. Able to support themselves and has a decent job. You have fun together, however you don't particularly click. Similar interests in terms of the common stuff (travelling, seeing movies, food), but no deep connection in terms of background, sense of humor, anecdotes, etc. Mate #2: You click on every level. Also has a decent job, is kind, and has good character, morals, treats you well, and is into you. Have the same background, laugh at the same jokes, like the same sports teams, music. Your friends get along, your family loves him/her. BUT ... is physically unattractive to you. So, which one do you pick?
coolheadal Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 My curiosity has gotten the best of me after reading some current threads. I'm curious as to which of these two people would pick as a mate. You CANNOT say neither. If you want to say neither, than don't answer/post. You can answer in words, but more interested in a show of hands. Mate #1: Very physically attractive. Objectively attractive, but most definitely subjectively attractive to you. Very nice person, good character, morals, treats you well, and likes you a lot. Able to support themselves and has a decent job. You have fun together, however you don't particularly click. Similar interests in terms of the common stuff (travelling, seeing movies, food), but no deep connection in terms of background, sense of humor, anecdotes, etc. Mate #2: You click on every level. Also has a decent job, is kind, and has good character, morals, treats you well, and is into you. Have the same background, laugh at the same jokes, like the same sports teams, music. Your friends get along, your family loves him/her. BUT ... is physically unattractive to you. So, which one do you pick? You to should have Mate #3 because both are lacking one with all the traits I would require. What you have about is to subjective. Why does the decent job concern you. The last sentence in both Mate #1 and Mate #2 leaves no room for a option you cut dry or you cut loose. These can't be the only choices you have. Bend a little. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 You to should have Mate #3 because both are lacking one with all the traits I would require. What you have about is to subjective. Why does the decent job concern you. The last sentence in both Mate #1 and Mate #2 leaves no room for a option you cut dry or you cut loose. These can't be the only choices you have. Bend a little. Is this a theoretical? Not what is happening with you? #2 is clearly just a friend right now. No need to begin a relationship with someone you are not attracted to physically. Could or would that change? #1 is from another experience. Of course he's not going to have the same or similar anecdotes. That's why you get to know people. To begin creating common ones. If it is early in the 'getting to know you phase' then perhaps it takes time to 'click.' Since neither sound like authentic dating prospects right now, I would definitely go for #1. He just sounds like someone new you met and haven't given him a chance to get to know you and you him. #2 would never have been on my radar. If I am not attracted physically, no chance. 1
Maggie4 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Pick #2 and then change his looks. Sometimes all a guy needs is a haircut, exfoliation, different clothes, lose weight, dental work... Not much you can do with height, though. Recently saw the french movie Up for Love with Jean Dujardin - Very nicely done. 2
Imajerk17 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) If we can't say "neither", then this hypothetical situation is hardly realistic, at least in this culture. We tend not to have arranged marriages in Western Society OP. In fact, most of us when confronted with options that are good but not quite right for us, DO say NEITHER and move on to look for someone who feels like a fit for us. Sorry. Meanwhile RE Mate #2, if the person is physically unattractive to me, then by definition we do NOT click on every level. Physical attraction is a (quite important) level to click on too. Edited June 1, 2017 by Imajerk17 2
preraph Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Male #1. Without attraction, every time he wanted sex would be a bad experience for you. 6
carhill Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I noted a morphing over decades from 1 to 2 so I'd say 2 today. Behind that IMO is our hard-wired reproductive drives that impel interaction with people we'd often otherwise never have had contact with in life. As that fades, either with completion or time or both, people can and do change. Some don't, sure. Witness any old guy ogling the young ladies at the beach or elsewhere. His brain doesn't process the image in the mirror, rather only what he covets; what he finds attractive. In some instances, not allowed in this choice, people find 1 and 2 at a young age and change and grow together and share their lives with great intimacy and attraction until one or both are gone. I like to remember an aviation mentor who recently died at age 94 in that example, meeting someone as a young man, feeling all that attraction stuff and discovering the rest as time went by and both remaining steadfast until his spouse's death after some 68 years of marriage, then dying only months later. His style is underscored in this old picture, where it's obviously his young wife who's the center of male attention, by no less than a man who walked on the moon on the left and another man who first flew the Atlantic solo on the right. Much later in life, it's only them, not joined at the hip but holding on loosely, feeling the decades of being together, very similar to those who role-modeled my style of attraction and interaction. At this point in life I'm good with 2, knowing the breadth of life and my style of attraction. I would find exploring a lady who's 'into you' to be quite interesting and satisfying. 2
jjgitties Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 ..however you don't particularly click. Similar interests in terms of the common stuff (travelling, seeing movies, food), but no deep connection in terms of background, sense of humor, anecdotes, etc. The problem with clicking is people change. Just because you clicked once in one particular area does not mean it will stay like that. When I met my wife, we clicked (interests, stuff we like to do). Now we don't click in that realm but we click in other areas (parenting, house stuff). I guess it depends how long you want things to last. Mate #2: You click on every level. Also has a decent job, is kind, and has good character, morals, treats you well, and is into you. Have the same background, laugh at the same jokes, like the same sports teams, music. Your friends get along, your family loves him/her. BUT ... is physically unattractive to you. Its really hard to be with someone you find physically unattractive. I would question why are you capable of finding someone you click with physically unattractive in the first place? What could be wrong with you? There is beauty in everyone in the world. Beauty does not mean good body, symmetrical face, e.t.c. Beauty is in the person. The way they are. Who they are. What makes them why they are. I have known many women who may not have been "beautiful" but they were cool and IMO hot as hell and I wanted to be with them if they only wanted me. It was something about the way they were. The way they talked, the way they dressed, the way they thought. Their sense of humor. Their sense of intrigue. 1
somanymistakes Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 There's a different between being physically LESS attractive and being completely unattractive. If I found someone a huge turnoff I wouldn't try to date them, that wouldn't be fair to either of us. But if they were just okayish, it's worth giving it a try. I might find them more attractive if we spent time together, or my sense of what's attractive might shape and influence them. I'm not at all interested in a serious relationship with someone attractive that isn't a good match for me. Been there, done that, not doing it again. 3
GunslingerRoland Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Given this extremely limited choice, I'd probably go with #1. There doesn't seem to be anything fundamentally wrong with them. We just don't have that deep connection yet. 1
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 If we can't say "neither", then this hypothetical situation is hardly realistic, at least in this culture. We tend not to have arranged marriages in Western Society OP. In fact, most of us when confronted with options that are good but not quite right for us, DO say NEITHER and move on to look for someone who feels like a fit for us. Sorry. Meanwhile RE Mate #2, if the person is physically unattractive to me, then by definition we do NOT click on every level. Physical attraction is a (quite important) level to click on too. I think it's pretty realistic. A LOT of people do much worse than #1 or #2. Including partners who cheat, don't respect them, and don't have anything in common and are not particularly attractive.
somanymistakes Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I think it's pretty realistic. A LOT of people do much worse than #1 or #2. Including partners who cheat, don't respect them, and don't have anything in common and are not particularly attractive. It's not realistic at all, first because people have the option of saying "I'd rather be alone", second because who is ever sitting there with this exact kind of decision in front of them? Seriously dating two people like that and being ready to drop one and marry the other? 1
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 The choice is artificial and I guess the question is posed to prove that people in general are superficial, uncaring and shallow. However few want to date people they do not click with or who they find physically unattractive, so of course the correct answer is neither. The dating process is necessarily superficial , uncaring and shallow as we filter out those who we do not want. Both attributes discussed here, ie "connection" and physical attractiveness are very fundamental and essential in a partner, both boxes need ticked, else a lot of trouble is being stored up for the future. It should never really be either/or. We do not click - now we fight all the time, we have nothing to say to each other and I dread him/her coming home... He/she doesn't understand me... I do not find him/her physically attractive - now the sex is awful, the sex is a chore, I do not even want him/her to touch me, I would rather have a cup of tea, if I were to be honest... John/Jane on the other hand at work is "hot".
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 The choice is artificial and I guess the question is posed to prove that people in general are superficial, uncaring and shallow. However few want to date people they do not click with or who they find physically unattractive, so of course the correct answer is neither. The dating process is necessarily superficial , uncaring and shallow as we filter out those who we do not want. Both attributes discussed here, ie "connection" and physical attractiveness are very fundamental and essential in a partner, both boxes need ticked, else a lot of trouble is being stored up for the future. It should never really be either/or. We do not click - now we fight all the time, we have nothing to say to each other and I dread him/her coming home... He/she doesn't understand me... I do not find him/her physically attractive - now the sex is awful, the sex is a chore, I do not even want him/her to touch me, I would rather have a cup of tea, if I were to be honest... John/Jane on the other hand at work is "hot". No it isn't. It's just an experiment to see who prefers what. It's totally fine to pick attractiveness over personality. Both people are nice and caring. If you dislike it and me so much, then why respond?
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 No it isn't. It's just an experiment to see who prefers what. It's totally fine to pick attractiveness over personality. Both people are nice and caring. If you dislike it and me so much, then why respond? Where on earth do you get the idea that i dislike you?
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) Where on earth do you get the idea that i dislike you? Because of your first sentence. It's just a question. People think differently and I wanted to get a split. Some people think it's stupid. Like stupid stuff doesn't get posted here all the time. But anyway, it's no big deal, it's no sweat. Edited June 1, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Because of your first sentence. It's just a question. People think differently and I wanted to get a split. Some people think it's stupid. Like stupid stuff doesn't get posted here all the time. But anyway, it's no big deal, it's no sweat. I may not like the idea of the question particularly but that doesn't mean I dislike you... 1
basil67 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 For some of us, physical attraction is based in the cerebral. You're not allowing for us in your survey. I have fixed your description of number two to show why I choose him. Mate #2: You click on every level. Also has a decent job, is kind, and has good character, morals, treats you well, and is into you. Have the same background, laugh at the same jokes, like the same sports teams, music. Your friends get along, your family loves him/her. He may not be perfect in looks, but the way he makes me laugh and feel makes him so damn attractive to me.
Author JuneJulySeptember Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 Are they both single? Yes. For some of us, physical attraction is based in the cerebral. You're not allowing for us in your survey. I have fixed your description of number two to show why I choose him. Mate #2: You click on every level. Also has a decent job, is kind, and has good character, morals, treats you well, and is into you. Have the same background, laugh at the same jokes, like the same sports teams, music. Your friends get along, your family loves him/her. He may not be perfect in looks, but the way he makes me laugh and feel makes him so damn attractive to me. I think that's fair. Although for me, I don't know how much of a distinction I'd make between the person actually becoming attractive and enjoying their company that much that I didn't care what they looked like. Just for the record, I myself have never dated or even met a woman where we clicked at every level, either romantically, as a rejection, or even platonic. I've hard enough finding one woman who has any kind of serious interest in sports. Let alone all of the other junk I like. So, that's not something to be taken lightly.
todreaminblue Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Number one......you dont have to click on every level....we arent lego.....differences broaden life experiences and perspective....i like to have differing opinions i would get bored with a carbon copy of me....because i would be able to predict outcomes......someone who agrees with everything i do or say wont help me to grow.....and maybe having my perspectives that differed from his would be good for him too....deb
xxoo Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Mate #1: Very physically attractive. Objectively attractive, but most definitely subjectively attractive to you. Very nice person, good character, morals, treats you well, and likes you a lot. Able to support themselves and has a decent job. You have fun together, however you don't particularly click. Similar interests in terms of the common stuff (travelling, seeing movies, food), but no deep connection in terms of background, sense of humor, anecdotes, etc. My husband and I are very different on the surface, but we share core values. The yin/yang can really feed attraction and keep things interesting. Plus, there is the advantage of more strengths being brought to the relationship. I'd pick #1. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I would pick number 1. Number 2 = no chance in hell. 1
Bastile Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 My curiosity has gotten the best of me after reading some current threads. I'm curious as to which of these two people would pick as a mate. You CANNOT say neither. If you want to say neither, than don't answer/post. You can answer in words, but more interested in a show of hands. Mate #1: Very physically attractive. Objectively attractive, but most definitely subjectively attractive to you. Very nice person, good character, morals, treats you well, and likes you a lot. Able to support themselves and has a decent job. You have fun together, however you don't particularly click. Similar interests in terms of the common stuff (travelling, seeing movies, food), but no deep connection in terms of background, sense of humor, anecdotes, etc. Mate #2: You click on every level. Also has a decent job, is kind, and has good character, morals, treats you well, and is into you. Have the same background, laugh at the same jokes, like the same sports teams, music. Your friends get along, your family loves him/her. BUT ... is physically unattractive to you. So, which one do you pick? I might have to lower the tone for a moment.... I'm a man. We get something called "erections". This just isn't a problem. If we are talking a serious exclusive and invested relationship, then clearly there needs to be a great connection based on mutual personalities. The timing needs to be right, the people need to be right, etc. I don't think it can even be put down to basic things such as "mutual interests and background". Like a CV applying for a job. It can't be forced in my opinion. For some reason this makes me think of a song: That's the real beauty of two people coming together. Let things naturally be what they are. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) I understand you were posing a hypothetical question i see nothing wrong with you choosing to portray two different subjects in a hypothetical question...after all it is your hypothetical.....and its interesting to me....i had to really think based on the two choices you gave.....where i HAD to pick one choice.....i actually prefer limitations on a multiple choice hypothetical... one of the deeper reasons for me picking number one is....i have found in the past men accomodate to me....they do this i have found to lull me into a false sense of security by liking everything i like, doing everything i do they cant keep that up forever, ...and then later down the track...are completely different.....they fake it.... i would prefer a guy who says hey....you do your thing deb ill do mine and at the end or the day we talk about what we have done....i used to feel i needed to be with someone exactly like me...and have come to figure out one nuts enough to be nutty.....i actually need balance and sometimes that balance is hearing and understanding a different opinion....a different activity.....so i can actually grow and not be a vegetable and stagnate...i dont expect a guy to understand my vegetable dance.....or even to want to participate being cauliflower but i do expect that guy to still be attracted to my different ways.....and to love me regardless if i feel like being a carrot for a little while....and for that guy to understand if i do a veggie dance for him...i must really love him.....to play the fool for him.....or to specifically know...when i do a veggie dance its because i feel he hasnt listened to me when i was actually being serious....and therefore im not listening to him ill be broccoli instead in the form of interperative dance..........its a payback dance.... now that would probably annoy the hell out of most people..but a guy who respected my differences ....would probably laugh....men and women are different we are meant to be different.....we cant click on every level.....another poster wrote about making a relationship stronger. with differences and its true........it also does add spice ...and a sense of renewal and of coming together developing compromises....etc......deb Edited June 1, 2017 by todreaminblue 1
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