ExposedBrick Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I've been dating a woman about 2 months. She set a boundary that she didn't want to have sex until we were exclusive about 3 weeks into things. We have been messing around regularly a couple times per week, but haven't had intercourse/sex(I know crazy right). We have excellent chemistry both physically and conversationally. However, I have some concerns that we may not be the most compatible in terms of lifestyle/personal interests, which has made me a bit hesitant in terms of having an exclusivity discussion. Having had a couple failed relationships, I can't help but feel ambivalent, or wonder if there is maybe a better match out there for me. I'm tempted to go on a date with a woman I met online a few weeks back but our schedules haven't synced up until now. It doesn't necessarily feel right or wrong, but somewhere in between. On one hand I feel like I need to do my due dilligence in exploring other options. On the other hand I don't want to risk ****ing things up with the current girl. The bottom line: I'm in my 30s and trying to make sure I get it right this time. Therefore: A: Would it be wrong to continue exploring other options at this point ? B: Is there always a certain degree of ambivalence or hesitation surrounding a new partner in modern dating, especially when you have experienced relationship failures?
CptInsano Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 You've been dating a woman for 2 months, but you are not having sex because after two months you're not exclusive. To me this is closer to "being celibate" than "being exclusive". If she can't make up her mind it may indeed time to move on.
Gaeta Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Well it's a good thing she expects exclusivity before intimacy because there you are after 2 months dating her without really liking her. Stop misleading her and move on to someone better suited to you. 5
Gemma1 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 What is it about your lifestyles that is not compatible? There's just not enough info here to help you.
coolheadal Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) I've been dating a woman about 2 months. She set a boundary that she didn't want to have sex until we were exclusive about 3 weeks into things. We have been messing around regularly a couple times per week, but haven't had intercourse/sex(I know crazy right). We have excellent chemistry both physically and conversationally. However, I have some concerns that we may not be the most compatible in terms of lifestyle/personal interests, which has made me a bit hesitant in terms of having an exclusivity discussion. Having had a couple failed relationships, I can't help but feel ambivalent, or wonder if there is maybe a better match out there for me. I'm tempted to go on a date with a woman I met online a few weeks back but our schedules haven't synced up until now. It doesn't necessarily feel right or wrong, but somewhere in between. On one hand I feel like I need to do my due dilligence in exploring other options. On the other hand I don't want to risk ****ing things up with the current girl. The bottom line: I'm in my 30s and trying to make sure I get it right this time. Therefore: A: Would it be wrong to continue exploring other options at this point ? B: Is there always a certain degree of ambivalence or hesitation surrounding a new partner in modern dating, especially when you have experienced relationship failures? Why all the fuss with this woman. Go and take the other woman out. You not locked into any relationship. You want sex and your not getting it with woman A. Just maybe woman B might give to you or find her more down to your own liking. This hard one at best. Your not engaged you can do anything you want too, just like these women do today. Edited June 1, 2017 by coolheadal
Author ExposedBrick Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 Why all the fuss with this woman. Go and take the other woman out. You not locked into any relationship. You want sex and your not getting it with woman A. Just maybe woman B might give to you or find her more down to your own liking. This hard one at best. Your not engaged you can do anything you want too, just like these women do today. I'm not just interested in sex, I'm looking for a long-term partner. However, I did perform oral sex on her twice, her obviously enjoying it, with no reciprocation. I'm not really mad about it but it's a bit weird. I didn't ask her about it, I just did it.
Author ExposedBrick Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 Well it's a good thing she expects exclusivity before intimacy because there you are after 2 months dating her without really liking her. Stop misleading her and move on to someone better suited to you. I actually do like her a lot, I just try to go into things with my head and heart, not just the heart.
Author ExposedBrick Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 What is it about your lifestyles that is not compatible? There's just not enough info here to help you. I'm more of an extrovert and she is more of an introvert. I am pretty adventurous when it comes to eating and drinking whereas she eats a rather bland diet and is a minimal drinker.
Author ExposedBrick Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 You've been dating a woman for 2 months, but you are not having sex because after two months you're not exclusive. To me this is closer to "being celibate" than "being exclusive". If she can't make up her mind it may indeed time to move on. I'm confused why you refer to this as being celibate vs exclusive. Should I just suggest sex and see what happens?
divegrl Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 If she did not reciprocate sexually, she is just not that into you. I would explore other options. Good luck my friend!!!!
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 On one hand I feel like I need to do my due dilligence in exploring other options. On the other hand I don't want to risk ****ing things up with the current girl. The bottom line: I'm in my 30s and trying to make sure I get it right this time. Therefore: A: Would it be wrong to continue exploring other options at this point? Hmmm...wrong. Yes, if you want to have a relationship with lady #1. You are also concerned that you may screw things up with lady #1. Why aren't you exclusive yet? Is it b/c YOU want to explore other women? B: Is there always a certain degree of ambivalence or hesitation surrounding a new partner in modern dating, especially when you have experienced relationship failures? I was laughing at this question. To start, yes, there is hesitation and your behavior is one of the very reasons why. lol. For someone who doesn't want to screw things up, it looks like you are willing to for...sex? 1
Redhead14 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 She doesn't want to have sex until exclusivity, that's a good boundary. However, to me she is blurring that boundary by doing everything else but intercourse. It's also selfish to accept "pleasure" without reciprocating. In addition, her definition of having sex is at best gray. Intimacy is intimacy. So if you're going to go so far as to use your mouth for sexual stimulation what's the difference if you have intercourse. I don't like her approach. It's selfish, playing games with you and semantics. If this is how she operates in other aspects of her life, eh. And, if she thinks intercourse exposes her to diseases, it's ok for you to expose yourself with oral sex on her???? Where's your protection from her? 4
No_Go Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Is this for real?? She THINKS you're not having sex but she's getting oral (oral sex, right)???? She's the text book definition of a hypocrite... (like a 'virgin' who gave a dosen bjs or something like this) She's also a tease. If I were you' I'd run the hills. I'm not just interested in sex, I'm looking for a long-term partner. However, I did perform oral sex on her twice, her obviously enjoying it, with no reciprocation. I'm not really mad about it but it's a bit weird. I didn't ask her about it, I just did it.
Gaeta Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I actually do like her a lot, I just try to go into things with my head and heart, not just the heart. If you were going into this with your head you'd have a talk and say: I enjoy getting to know you and I'd like we be dating exclusively if you feel the same way of course. What is the problem with dating exclusively?? it's not a marriage you just date each other exclusively to see what comes out of it. If in another 2 months it's not right you end it, end of story. 3
Author ExposedBrick Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 Is this for real?? She THINKS you're not having sex but she's getting oral (oral sex, right)???? She's the text book definition of a hypocrite... (like a 'virgin' who gave a dosen bjs or something like this) She's also a tease. If I were you' I'd run the hills. The only reciprocal sexual experience I've had from her is handjobs. Should I just ask her what the hang up is at this point? I mean it's kind of odd the lack of progression on her end.
No_Go Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Yes, I think you should ask her. To me is extremely odd that she claims she wants to withhold from sex but is actually having sex with you (oral and manual). Can it be something cultural or religious hangup? The only reciprocal sexual experience I've had from her is handjobs. Should I just ask her what the hang up is at this point? I mean it's kind of odd the lack of progression on her end.
Author ExposedBrick Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) Hmmm...wrong. Yes, if you want to have a relationship with lady #1. You are also concerned that you may screw things up with lady #1. Why aren't you exclusive yet? Is it b/c YOU want to explore other women? I was laughing at this question. To start, yes, there is hesitation and your behavior is one of the very reasons why. lol. For someone who doesn't want to screw things up, it looks like you are willing to for...sex? Honestly, I think I do want to explore other options but the ambiguity with girl A is tough. We get along well just the two of us but I'm just not sure we have enough in common to make it for the long run. I really want someone who can be "part of the gang" with my friends and I just don't see it happening. Since we aren't exclusive technically, why would it be wrong to explore another option? Edited June 1, 2017 by ExposedBrick
Versacehottie Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Honestly, I think I do want to explore other options but the ambiguity with girl A is tough. We get along well just the two of us but I'm just not sure we have enough in common to make it for the long run. I really want someone who can be "part of the gang" with my friends and I just don't see it happening. Since we aren't exclusive technically, why would it be wrong to explore another option? Ha. She is exploiting the semantics with regard to sex and you with regard to exclusivity. Neither of you is wrong but I feel like someone is going to get hurt or mislead. Honest question: what is it that you are hoping to discover with her in the coming weeks that will give you a better idea IF you will be compatible for the long run? BTW, I usually think multi-dating is ok--wondering though if perhaps you have gone far enough where you actually "know" the answer but want to make sure via dating others which feels deceptive to be honest. Reading between the lines, you actually sound like you don't see this working long term but aren't ready to to give up yet. If that is the case, man up and let her go. Technically you are free to do what you want but do you really need to keep her hanging on while you do that? It sounds like you know 3
Cali1978 Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Honestly, I think I do want to explore other options but the ambiguity with girl A is tough. We get along well just the two of us but I'm just not sure we have enough in common to make it for the long run. I really want someone who can be "part of the gang" with my friends and I just don't see it happening. Since we aren't exclusive technically, why would it be wrong to explore another option? It wouldn't be wrong but then you can't expect sex because she wants exclusivity for that. So either be happy with her and go exclusive or forget sex with her and start dating other people until you make up your mind. She may be intimate with you in some ways to keep you interested for now? I've come out of a situation like this and my initial reservations about our compatibility were correct. And those reservations definitely held me back from having sex. She might feel the same-unsure of compatibility. 1
BaileyB Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 If you were really into this girl, you would be moving toward exclusivity at two months and you would not be thinking about dating other women. You need to make a decision and quit "having sex" with this woman until you you know what you want. She has set a boundary, that is a good boundary, and you both should respect that. 2
xxoo Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 I'm more of an extrovert and she is more of an introvert. I am pretty adventurous when it comes to eating and drinking whereas she eats a rather bland diet and is a minimal drinker. How many happily married people could say the same? A lot. Are these really the reasons you don't want to stop dating other women? If the man I'd been dating for 2 months still wants to see other women, I'm out.
newheart Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Honestly, I think I do want to explore other options but the ambiguity with girl A is tough. We get along well just the two of us but I'm just not sure we have enough in common to make it for the long run. I really want someone who can be "part of the gang" with my friends and I just don't see it happening. Since we aren't exclusive technically, why would it be wrong to explore another option? I don't think it would be wrong - she clearly knows you aren't exclusive, and you have the right to date. However, I have to say that in my opinion, if you are feeling this lukewarm about her at this point, I don't think this will blossom into the type of relationship you are looking for. Just my two cents ... 1
Redhead14 Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 If the campatibility isn't good, the chemistry will definitely fade quickly.
BluesPower Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Dude??? Dating 2 months and no actual intercourse? What is up with that? Something is wrong with this situation, I don't know what. Two weeks, ok, maybe, maybe... but two months??? Your 30 not 15. Check the new girl out already... 1
preraph Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 I think her exclusivity rule about sex is a good one -- except that what you two are doing IS sex. It's just not intercourse. Now, as far as your one-way oral, to me, bjs are far more intimate and less fun for women than intercourse, so to many women, bjs are not foreplay but something special they do for a guy once in awhile. If I'm totally honest, and being from what is apparently a totally different era than today, I think people who think they're being celibate when they're getting off with a partner and the only thing missing is intercourse are hypocritical idiots. But there is the little thing about women get pregnant, so at least that is one practical reason for it. And MAYBE there is a method to her madness in that if she gets exclusivity, then 3 weeks later has sex, that gives her time to get on birth control pills and them to work????? You are not exclusive yet so you can date if you want to. You don't have to either tell her or hide it. In the meantime, find out whether her rule is religious or about birth control and find out if she is trying to marry and have kids and that sort of thing. I get the feeling you are still hanging around simply because you've put in a lot of effort and no sex so you want the sex, but I don't get the idea you are staying with this woman, so I'm not sure a little dab of sex that you haven't already done is worth hanging in for. 1
Recommended Posts