covfefe Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I can feel the anxiety creep in seeing this blank thread. The last time I actively participated in a forum like this was because my relationship was on the rocks. That relationship ended almost 10 years ago and life went on. Here I am back again seeking advice and feeling completely lost. I am 29 years old. My husband is 37. We have been married for 3 years. We married after only knowing each other for 4 months. The reason we rushed into marriage was because my husband was not a citizen and was from Canada. We knew it was fast but we didn't want to be apart and we knew we would want to be married in the future so we took it all with complete heart and married for the long haul. In the beginning I did feel some concerns, but like most figured those things would turn into something better. We could conquer anything right? Looking back those things were that my husband sort of came off a little harsh, not as sensitive as I would have liked. There was also not a lot of touch and affection. Everything positive seemed to outweigh these small things at the time I was barely concerned about. We had also both come out of really bad relationships and to be honest probably weren't ready to start dating again so quickly. Fast forward 3 years and things have not been going so well. He seems to always be in a bad mood. Even on days he doesn't have to work. When he does come home from work he doesn't want me to talk to him so he can decompress. (I understand that completely but I really am not that overwhelming of a personality to handle, I think a sweet positive attitude when you get home is important to each other no matter what.) Some days he will want to talk and get going talking and then I will respond to him, or we will move onto another topic and then I will tell him something, sometimes about my day and then he will say ok please don't right now I just got home. (So you were just talking to me but now I cannot talk to you?) On days I get home last and he talks to me right away I don't mind at all. He gets mad at me for anything I leave around the house. If I leave a dish in the sink he freaks out. He will go on about how he cleans and does these things like I don't ever clean. When I clean I go around and grab all of his cups and dishes etc and don't say a word to him. I just do it and don't mind because I feel we should both be happy to pick up after each other with no issues. He makes me feel like I am a complete slob and can do no right. Which really is not true. I am 127 pounds and 5'3". He has made comments about my weight in ways without actually directly saying I am fat. (Which I am not.) I do want to lose ten pounds, but even that would be pretty thin. He thinks I have gained weight since we have been married but I honestly do not know what my weight was then and I would say if I have it would be like 2 to 3 pounds. The other day we went hiking. I always go slower than him. It is an hour and 45 min hike and goes up pretty high. I did not stop the entire time and when we got to the top he told me he is concerned about my health. I was mad because i'm thinking what are you so concerned about!? I just hiked up this mountain with you. When we got home he started making salads for himself for lunch. He made two for himself and I said to him oh yeah you must really care about my health that you cannot even chop a salad for me while you are already doing it. He got pissed of course and we argued. He has strained relationships with his extended family and he really doesn't seem to make an effort to spend time with my family. It always seems like its a chore for him. I never feel like he actually wants to spend time with anyone in my family and that is really tough on me. He works a lot. He is a professional musician and basically works almost every single day. I have an office job but I actually make about 20k more per year. He works on the weekends because he feels he needs to make more money. We split all of the bills even and I have never had to pay for him. Him working all of the time is def straining our relationship. We barely spend time together and the time we do is him being in a bad mood. It is also always the constant excuse as to why he cannot come with me to family events. A few months back I was in a car accident and he let me borrow his car for a few weeks until I got mine back so I had synced my phone to his bluetooth so I could make phone calls and have music. Recently we were driving in his car to his friends wedding and my phone kept trying to sync to his car instead of his phone. He got really mad and told me Why would I sync my phone to his car?! Now he can never get his to work. He went on and on about it. I started to laugh about it, I was trying to keep the mood light so I wouldn't ruin my make up before the wedding with tears, but also because I found it funny that a guy couldn't fix his bluetooth, and just resorted to flipping out on me. I obviously didn't do it on purpose so that he could never use his phone again. He lost it on me, and we ended up getting into a huge fight over it. (I have since deleted my phone off of his car, it took me all of 2 minutes.) I also have Hashimoto's and Hypothyroid. It is an autoimmune disease that attacks my thyroid. I will have it for the rest of my life. Many people struggle with this disease and cannot work etc. I work over 40-45 hours a week and am responsible and take care of my bills etc. Many days when I come home from work though I need to take a nap for 45 minutes to an hour. On days when he comes home and catches me napping he gets really frustrated and thinks I am lazy. That is hard because I feel like he doesn't understand and is not supportive. I take medication and vitamins for it daily and see doctors for it. He has always told me in the past that he doesn't know if I have enough energy for kids, but it was always like a maybe we will maybe we wont we don't really know. Recently he said to me he would probably never want kids and I told him how it offended me. He then brought up again how he does not see me being able to have the energy for kids. I personally know it would be exhausting but rewarding and worth it if that is the decision I end up making. May never be with him though given his expression on the topic. He also makes me feel like I fail at most things, like nothing is ever enough and I get worried he will make me feel that way as a mother too. Very patronizing. The only thing he doesn't really make me feel crappy about is my career. He tells me that he knows I am smart in my field and will be very successful. A bit ago was the exact day we had met three years ago. I wanted to get him something nice and show him I appreciate him. I didn't mind that he probably would not remember it was the day we met, we don't usually do anything to celebrate on the day anyway. I got him a different type dog tag mesh covered necklace and I engraved the date we met and our initials on it. You have to open it to see the engraving so it is not cheesy and in your face. I gave it to him like it was no big deal and that I just wanted to get him something. When he opened it he looked at it like, "What the hell is this? I do not want this." It was enough for me to walk away in tears. His explanation was that he is going to be honest with me and if I get him a gift he doesn't like he is not going to lie to me. So lately these are just some of the problems. Affection is non-existent. He kisses me a peck hello and goodbye and thats it. He seems to hate hugs. He will only roll near me and be affectionate when we wants sex. That is it. Even sex is pretty non existent. It happens maybe once a week, but its easily turning into once every two weeks or longer. I don't know. I feel like I don't think I want to do this for the rest of my life. I want someone who is super excited about me and wants to share a happy and affectionate life. I have asked him if we can go to counseling and he says no because he sees that as a last resort thing. I am telling him HELLO I am saying we need this, we NEED to go! The other problem is I am not sure if it would be covered because we have separate insurance. I know I could still love him like I do and be in love with him if he reciprocated love back to me. I am still attracted to him and there are many things that I do want to say together for. Though part of me is already ready to get my own apartment and live separate so maybe then he will appreciate me. I am afraid to throw away what we have. I just am also afraid I will throw away the rest of my life if I continue to be unhappy.
aileD Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 He need to hear it: "If you do not stop insulting, degrading and berating me- If you don't want children- If you don't go to counseling- I'm gone. This is your warning. I deserve a husband who loves me, shows it, etc" Then start looking for lawyers because I don't think he's gonna change 4
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 That does not sound like any way to live... I would not want to stay. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 You sound miserable. If you read your own story on a forum...what would you advise the op? We can't possibly tell you what the right answer for you is...however...if I were as miserable and unhappy as you seem to be....I would make a change. 1
Cephalopod Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 You have got one shot at life on this planet. One. Are you going to spend the rest of it miserable? 2
mikeylo Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 You both are miserable, not just you. If you are not getting your needs met then in all honesty he is also not getting them met. You two sound incompatible. It's good that you didn't have kids with him. If you both can't reach a solution to a MC, I doubt anything will get better. 1
Undercoverirish Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Sorry to hear what you're going through after such a short space of time. You're going through something similar to me although I'm probably the one that's acting more like your husband. I'm really trying to work on that. Something has happened somewhere into our 4 year marriage where I've lost respect for my husband and it has led to me constantly knit picking and basically not caring. I feel so ashamed and I hope your husband comes to his senses before he loses you.
LoverofWrestling Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Did you discuss wanting kids or not wanting them with him before you married your husband?
Reginald0405 Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 I been through the same thing with my wife. I begged and asked her to change. She did for awhile but then went back to being like your husband. Getting a divorce is only the option when one cheats I believe. I think you should sit him down one morning. Turn all the other distractions off. Be strong and tell him how you feel. Tell him that he needs to listen to you and don't give him a chance not to. I don't know your religious life but before all of that you should pray for the right words to say. You seem like a wonderful woman and he should be grateful he has a wife that wants to be in his life. You seem as though your self esteem is down but always remember you are beautiful cause a woman is the most beautiful thing on earth. I will pray for you cause the pain of losing your love one to divorce is something I would never want for anyone.
LoverofWrestling Posted June 17, 2017 Posted June 17, 2017 Reg, if you don't know someone else's religious life, why ask them to "pray for the right words to say"? Maybe they're an atheist like me who doesn't pray for anything? Or maybe they don't believe in prayer?
Reginald0405 Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I said that because that's what I would do. I was giving advice. In your mind it may not be helpful but to believers it called planting a seed. You can believe what you want but Google how an Atheist found God and you will see. Thank you for your remarks.
Sprince92 Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 GO GO GO!!!!!! I know it's hard cause even after a 2 year controlling relationship I am having a hard time getting over a break up so a marriage is def harder but this guy is just not good to you. You deserve to have someone compliment you, not point out your non existent flaws You deserve to have someone who asks you how your day went and want to hear about it, not shut you out. You deserve to have someone who will not lash out on you for their bad day. You deserve to be happy and not have to worry about crying your makeup off but of him ruining your lipstick cause he can't stop kissing you!!! It sounds cliche but honestly it's true Do not let marriage- the word- make you feel tied to a guy that in no way is giving you the love you should be receiving in a marriage. I say you should go.
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