graceupongrace Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I wanted to get your advice on something that I've been going through for a while. I've been talking/seeing a guy for 9 months now. He's 28 and has never been in a relationship before. I'm 24 and have never been either. I've met his family, his extended family and his friends as well. He's met my brothers and mom but hasn't met my dad. We see each other once a week and usually do dinner and sometimes a movie. I really like this guy because he serves in the church, loves God and people. He's compassionate, funny and kind. Overall, he's a really good guy. Although he would send me articles concerning relationships/marriages. We use snapchats sometimes and he'll send me pictures of wedding rings and stuff. I wasn't quite sure if he was joking or if he was serious. It's really confusing when he's sending me this stuff but he's taking so long to make it official. We had a serious talk back in May about communication, where we stood and where is this going. He had just gotten back from a mission trip and he tells me that he's still trying to figure out what he wants in life because that was life changing for him. He said he wanted to make sure our mission in life matched up. I understood that and that's fine because I plan on doing mission trips as well. He's also mentioned before that since he's really busy with ministry he doesn't want to get into a relationship and have his ministry suffer because of me or have me suffer because of his ministry. Throughout these 9 months I've really battled with doubt, confusion and worried over this situation. I then decided to have a talk with him again. He then revealed to me that the real reason why he's hasn't made it official is because he's scared of commitment. He also went on to say that he doesn't know how flexible I will be with him and even though I am now he's not sure if I'll be the same person once we make it official. He feels like he's only barely scratched the surface when it comes to knowing me. He wants to see more sides to me than just the "nice Christian girl". That's why he invites me to events with his family and church but I'm reluctant to go most of the times because I don't want to get attached to them too early. Does that make sense? Regarding him wanting to see more sides of me, I feel like those things come out within time. I don't feel comfortable sharing pieces of my heart with him without commitment. That could mean being too emotionally attached to him. He's not an alcoholic but drinks occasionally and he wants me to see that side of him before we take things further. But it's already been this long and if he was serious about me seeing that side of him he would have arranged for me to see it already, I think. He says he's not leading me on, not seeing anyone else and has never thought about ending things. I believe that his feelings are genuine though. He's asked me to give him more time but I'm not sure if that's what I want to do. Actually, I'm not sure if I should break it off or keep seeing him. I've really tried to understand where he is coming from and part of me think maybe I should be more patient and understanding?? He's a good guy but if I wait for him, that's a risk as well. I wish that he would have been honest about him being scared of commitment in the beginning when I first asked him why he was taking so long. Things have progressed very slowly for us in the nine months and he's a practical guy and he wants to make sure that this is something that he wants to get into and he wants me to make sure as well. I understand his way of thinking but I also believe that every relationship is a leap of faith with no guarantees. I don't think he sees it that way. It has been exhausting trying to decipher his intentions and to be quite frank, I feel like he's pursuing me with minimal effort and maybe that's out of being cautious. I wonder if I'm just over thinking all of this. I know this is a lot but I would really appreciate insight on this!
Gaeta Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 After 9 months and still only 1 date a week he is not only a commitment-phobe he is not THAT interested in you, sorry. Any man that would be interested in you would have wanted to see you more than once a week!! He would have escalated this relationship. He would have wanted to know more about you and he would have made it happen. This current man is a complete waste of your time and it has nothing to do with him being inexperienced. My question to you is : Aren't you bored??? You have experience with dating, why do you stick around a man that only has a couple of hours a week for you? 2
preraph Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I don't think you should break off with him. Nine months isn't that long, so it's no fault of his that he's not ready to commit yet and was honest with you that he wants to keep getting to know you. I think you would be wise to keep getting to know him. You are holding back emotionally for a commitment and anyone can sense that. You should be yourself with him. Neither of you are seeing anyone else, so you have that type of commitment. You and he are not comfortable enough with each other yet to get engaged, so you just need to keep dating and see if it soars or fizzles. Don't get in a hurry. This is first for both of you.
smackie9 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Leave. His first priority is the ministry, and it sounds like it's not going to change even if you two did get married. If a man can't invest anymore than one dinner date a week, then it's not going to have enough foundation for a committed relationship. 1
Zahara Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I think it's a lot of words (excuses) on his part to keep you where you are -- on his terms. He is managing your expectations by feeding you with little bits of hope. If a man TRULY wanted to get to know you better, he'd be investing more time rather than one date a week for the past 9 months. You need to move on. It does not seem that you are going to be a priority. 2
Zip Silver Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 If he was truly interested in getting to know you he'd be doing more than seeing you once per week in nine months. He isn't sure about you. Nine months is absolutely enough time to get to know someone well enough to decide if you want to be committed to them (not necessarily marriage but in a committed relationship). Don't settle for pursuing someone who's lukewarm about you. You deserve a guy who thinks you hung the moon, not one keeping you at arms length. 1
1fish2fish Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I spent my college years and 7 years after as an evangelical Christian, saving myself for marriage, and dating only Christian men - men who wanted to serve in some sort of ministry. The problem that I had during that time is that my sexual purity was more important to them than my personality. I was constantly under scrutiny and judged if I would be a Proverbs 31 woman. Meekness and putting myself under the headship and spiritual leadership of a man is not in my nature. All of the Christian men I dated were in constant conflict with their sexuality and went to extremes to stay pure. Some wanted to save the first kiss until marriage. Others would "stumble" and pray away the "sexual sin". There was so much emphasis on purity that it took priority over everything else in the relationship. The thing about evangelical Christian men, and your guy sounds like one, is that they don't believe in dating for the sake of dating. They look at dating as interviewing for a wife. That would explain his showing you pictures of rings so early on. IMHO, him wanting to take things slowly is because he wants to avoid the temptation of pre-marital sex OR he's praying and waiting on God to give the green light. Of course, there are many shades of Christianity and it could just be he's not that into you. 2
Maggie4 Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Oh no, no way! Sending you pictures of wedding rings? That's trying to manipulate your feelings. And saying he thinks you might just be on your best behavior now and your truth self is hidden? That's cynical. And not telling you the real reason the first time you talked about it? That's not being forthcoming. None of this feels right, does it? I knew this one guy, friend of my parents. When I was a kid, he was in his 30's, never dated, served in the church. Great guy to us kids. My parents tried to fix him up with good women. He negatively judged them all. He's in his 70's now. Never married. 2
mae19681995 Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Dear Graceupongrace, Sounds like a tough situation you are in, but remember you must be true to yourself and your feelings. You are right that relationships are leaps of faith, but you need to decide for yourself how you really feel about him. Also, transparency and honesty are best. Not many guys would admit that they have a problem with commitment..... That is a big step for him. But, you cannot be lead along either. Search for God's wisdom in this entire situation. He will show you the way to go.
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