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Infertility, bad sex, and an affair

Stuck88

By Stuck88
in Infidelity

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Stuck88 New Member

Stuck88

Posted
Posted (edited)

So I don't even know where to begin, but I guess I'll start by saying I'm 29, been married for almost 4 years, with him for almost 8. He is a great husband on many accounts, as he makes my life super easy and we will never have to worry about money, due to his fortunate situation. He cooks, cleans, takes care of the finances, takes me on amazing vacations, among other things. Despite all of this, there are many problems in the marriage.

 

The sex with him has been bad since getting together almost 8 years ago. The first time we had sex, I was so drunk I didn't remember or I probably never would have went out with him again. He won me over by being a stable, mature, respectful man after a string of bad relationships. I have been having sex anywhere from 30 seconds or less to maybe 5 minutes at the very best for all these years. It has been extremely frustrating and on top of the premature ejaculation, he has never taken the time to get to know my body and how to please it, despite being extremely attracted to me. He is overweight and I have begged him for years to get in shape for his health and for our sex life. I myself am in shape and workout regularly and eat healthy. He has much less self control and has never managed to lose the weight or hit the goals, despite me telling him over and over how much I hate the sex and that I am not turned on by him.

 

We have very different political views, I live literally right next to my in laws (who are always full of drama) and also next to his family business. I feel smothered at times. We have different political views and different interests. He is a GOOD man, and my family and friends all love him.

 

On top of these things, two years ago we found out his sperm is no good and he cannot get me pregnant. I tried literally everything for a whole year to get pregnant and nothing worked. We went to Mayo Clinic and he had a procedure that was supposed to help, but it didn't. He has not tried to improve his health by losing weight or quitting drinking or smoking. I am dying to be a mother and every pregnancy I hear of makes me sad. I feel completely stuck in life.

 

He leaves on business trips several times a year and also takes hunting and fishing trips without me a couple of times a year.

Last fall, a man I have seen around town for years who has always seemed to be into me finally asked my name and added me to Facebook and I naively gave him my snapchat name when he asked. This led to long walks together and secret meetings. I take multiple walks a week with him when the weather is nice, as my husband is always too busy to accompany me on the walks. These long walks led to an affair/relationship. We have been talking and seeing each other almost 9 months now. He comes to meet me every day after work and brings his son, who I adore and who adores me. His son begs me to do things with them and we have a hard time explaining why I can't. I can absolutely picture this boy as my step son.

 

The man is so attentive of me and wants to do anything to please me in any way he can. He is not as educated as my husband, does not make good money, but the sex is amazing and he is present with me, as opposed to my husband always being occupied with work or sports or yard work or some other project. He is begging me to start a life with him and to leave my husband. It's insane the amount of time I spend around him or talking to him all these months and that my husband does not suspect anything.

 

Like I said, my husband is a great man in general. He has given me many experiences and things and makes my life so easy by doing so much around the house. He just isn't present with me most of the time and does not know how to initiate sex with me or even have sex with me after all these years. 7 years of bad sex and infertility on top of it led to my shameful affair. I wanted it to only be physical and originally had no thoughts of leaving, but it became very much emotional as well. I feel like an awful person and this situation isn't fair to any of the three of us, but I am absolutely terrified of making the decision to leave him. The town is small and he is well known. I have a reputation for being a sweetheart that will be shattered and my friends and family will all think differently of me. This terrifies me.

 

I can't even imagine breaking my husband's heart, as he does love and care about me very much, but I do feel second to his business and his other interests. He doesn't think the problems are as severe as they are, despite me crying, yelling, etc about it all many many times. He is not the emotional type and just brushes things off as me just having a moment I guess. I can scream and cry about everything that's wrong and 30 minutes later he's acting like nothing ever happened. I am just too sad and scared to leave because of hurting him, my family, his family, my reputation, my financial situation, and just the fear that this affair will end up not being the relationship he and I think it could be. He is absolutely in love with me and tells me things about myself all the time that I wish my husband would notice. My husband never really digs underneath the surface of who I am, and I feel like a trophy wife at times. I have shared so much with him and love him so much for all that he's done for me, but I want to be a mom, I want good sex, I want to be cherished and heard and valued and bettered by the man I'm with.

 

I know this is extremely long and all over the place, but if you made it this far, I guess I'm just looking for other's opinions, advice, or anything you have to offer. I know I've gotten into a very bad situation, as the man I'm having an affair with does not want to give me up and thinks we are made for each other, and I don't want to give up him or his son, but I also don't want to give up my marriage and lifestyle and hurt my husband. I need to move forward with my life, as do they. There is a concert coming up in a month that my husband and I have tickets for. The other man also has two tickets. The artist and songs are favorites of myself and the other man. My husband just bought tickets months ago because I wanted to go reallllllly bad. The other man has now bought tickets too and is wanting me to leave and go with him. The concert was at the top of my bucket list, and now it's just ruined either way. My husband is on a fishing trip a week before the concert, and if I leave, this would be the time. But I cannot figure it out.

 

Yes, I need therapy. But random people on the internet are what I have right now. Judge me, I always judged others in affairs before I found myself in one. But anyone who has advice or thoughts or anything on ANY of it, I'd appreciate.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatted for paragraphs. (Please use them!) ~JC
Grumpybutfun Established Member

Grumpybutfun

Posted
Posted

There is a time when you have to decide to please yourself or please others. Yes, it sounds selfish but having an affair is the most selfish of all because you not only have involved your husband and the OM in this but his child. You won't win in this situation so you have to decide what you want long term and what you are willing to give up in order to get it while confessing to your husband. You know you did it wrong, so the question now is how far are you going to drag out this charade of loving your husband because he makes you comfortable and because it is what your town thinks is proper.

I don't condone cheating, in fact I think this is a horrible situation, but your husband deserves to find a woman who thinks he hung the moon. Therefore, stop being myopic and think about how you are hurting him and do the right thing.

Let him go physically because you already let him go emotionally a long time ago.

Best,

G

  • Like 1
deadsoul Established Member

deadsoul

Posted
Posted

You're posting in the separation and divorce forum... so are you asking for advice on divorce?

 

Based on everything you've wrote, yes. Get one. That's my advice.

 

Figure your stuff out and learn to be independent. Then if a relationship with OM is feasible, do it. Right now it's all a fantasy because it's wrong and he fills the needs your husband doesn't meet for you. It's not fair to his son, who is getting attached to you.

 

But yes. Divorce. Your lifestyle may not be as "easy," but at least you'll be living honestly. Basically you are saying that you stay with him for the money, at least that's the impression I'm getting, hopefully that's not the case.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

You've already moved on, so you probably ought to let your husband know. He certainly has a lot of good qualities, but apparently the other qualities you'd like him to work on, he has no interest in fixing those things.

 

You need to find out if this new man is also going to help cook and clean, etc. and be sure he's not just kind of looking for someone to do all that.

 

And you better be very careful you don't end up pregnant from this new guy and that's the way the whole family finds out or you will be branded bad news for sure.

 

And you should know you can love an adopted child as much as your own.

 

And you should also know you can get yourself off probably better than most men do and weigh that. Of course, we all prefer a warm body, but...

  • Like 3
mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

Posted
Posted

You can't have all. If it was possible, every one would be doing it.

 

You have to choose.

  • Like 2
Cephalopod Established Member

Cephalopod

Posted
Posted

Be up front and tell your husband what is going on. Give him a fair divorce and move on with your life and allow him to find a woman who can truly love and appreciate him.

  • Like 1
DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

Posted
Posted

Hmm, so you were so drunk when you first had sex you don't remember, had you remembered​ you would not have dated him again? Well, what about the second time or third? Classic rewriting......

 

Sounds messy, good thing is you don't have kids with your husband so it should be easy for you to pack up and leave.

  • Like 4
Krtk Member

Krtk

Posted
Posted

You're already moved on physically and emotionally from your husband now all you worry about is your lifestyle and reputation. So now you have deep emotional and physical connection with your AP and wants to do things with him then leave your marriage get a divorce and start a new life. If your husband is a good man and if you really care about him tell him everything don't be too selfish for your reputation and lifestyle.

If your husband is incapable of understanding your feelings and sex impotent whatever then you should leave him long before I suspect you just stayed this much for his money and the image you got for yourself as his wife. and even after all this how cheap you are wanting to spending time with your AP ****ing with him and there your husband don't have a ****ing clue what's happening in life.

GoldenR Established Member

GoldenR

Posted
Posted

Idk why you're even posting here. The amount of times you brought up your lifestyle....THAT'S what you're in love with. You're infatuated with the poor man, but you're in love with your lifestyle. So you'll never leave this fat, impotent, uncaring man bc he's rich and you can't handle not being rich, right?

 

So, you'll keep the status quo until your H busts you, and then you'll beg and cry for him to not leave you bc it was all a mistake, bc again, he's rich.

 

My advice? Divorce him before you destroy him.

 

But you won't, because lifestyle, right?

  • Like 2
Vincentstreet Member

Vincentstreet

Posted
Posted

Do your yourself a favor and divorce him. Tell him the truth and let him find someone who is not as superficial and a lair like yourself.

 

 

Go and be with your night in shining armor. The fact that he is willing to be with you despite your being married says a lot about his character as well... me thinks you deserve each other!

harrybrown Established Member

harrybrown

Posted
Posted

Your knight in waiting is cheating with a married women?

 

 

You have high standards. You are also selfish.

 

You can fix this. Tell your H. Leave.

 

Go get married to your wonderful knight.

 

And you and he can have an open marriage, because you both would not cheat on each other right?

 

You have already developed ties with his kid, while cheating on your H.

 

You are selfish and you are very cold.

 

Let your H go, he will find someone that I hope will not cheat on him.

 

 

Give him a good D. and the "knight" in waiting will not cheat on you very much.

 

 

I hope you tell your H today and move out so that he can heal without you around him. After you tell him about you and your selfishness, pack up and leave the house.

 

You H should not have to support you any more.

 

Will it hurt you when you and your new man cheat on each other?

  • Like 1
Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
Posted

I know this is extremely long and all over the place, but if you made it this far, I guess I'm just looking for other's opinions, advice, or anything you have to offer. I know I've gotten into a very bad situation, as the man I'm having an affair with does not want to give me up and thinks we are made for each other, and I don't want to give up him or his son, but I also don't want to give up my marriage and lifestyle and hurt my husband. I need to move forward with my life, as do they. There is a concert coming up in a month that my husband and I have tickets for. The other man also has two tickets. The artist and songs are favorites of myself and the other man. My husband just bought tickets months ago because I wanted to go reallllllly bad. The other man has now bought tickets too and is wanting me to leave and go with him. The concert was at the top of my bucket list, and now it's just ruined either way. My husband is on a fishing trip a week before the concert, and if I leave, this would be the time. But I cannot figure it out.

 

Yes, I need therapy. But random people on the internet are what I have right now. Judge me, I always judged others in affairs before I found myself in one. But anyone who has advice or thoughts or anything on ANY of it, I'd appreciate.

 

Well OP, the theme of this story is: All along, instead of doing the right thing, you have been (at best) following the path of least resistance and being really selfish. Instead of not getting married to H in the first place, you married anyway, for security and money. Instead of doing the right thing and divorcing H when you realized how unhappy you were, you took a lover to satisfy your emotional and physical needs. Look where that has gotten you.

 

As for advice: At this point, you are well past not hurting your husband. There is no way around it. At the very least you already had an affair and fell in love with someone else behind your husband's back. You need to sit your husband down and tell him what is going on.

 

Oh, and as you were the one who had the affair, you don't get to keep the lifestyle you have become accustomed to. Time for you to (finally) do the right thing.

  • Like 2
BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

Posted
Posted

The utter cheek....:mad:

 

Either you end the affair and put up with your husband due to this wealth or you divorce and take your chances on the less affluent man. If you decide to leave your hubby for this guy, be warned that a man who can have an affair with a married women and involve his little son will have no qualms about cheating on you.

  • Like 3
Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

Posted
Posted (edited)

I do suspect OM is playing OP in the meanwhile. So OM not only found himself in an affair, but he also got *his son* involved so soon? That's selfish and irresponsible on OM's fault. Talk about modelling good behaviour for the next generation! He may have figured though, that it would play on OP's heart-strings. Maybe when it comes to affairs, this isn't OM's first rodeo?

 

This isn't off-topic, it is something for OP to think about if she is still reading (I notice OP hasn't come back in 48 hours). Her Prince Charming might not be so great.

Edited by Imajerk17
  • Like 1
usernameisvalid Member

usernameisvalid

Posted
Posted

Is this real? Excuse after excuse about why you're cheating, saying the situation isn't fair for you, and a crazy concert decision clincher.. Sounds a little suspicious.

 

In all seriousness, though, this post paints you as someone who takes very little, if any, responsibility for this situation. The thing is that you married your husband after four years. I imagine you had a sense of some of these issues by then. You got involved with this other man and his son instead of ending it with your husband. You chose your life. You choose what happens next. It's on you.

  • Like 1
BTDT2012 Established Member

BTDT2012

Posted
Posted
I know I've gotten into a very bad situation, as the man I'm having an affair with does not want to give me up and thinks we are made for each other, and I don't want to give up him or his son, but I also don't want to give up my marriage and lifestyle and hurt my husband.

 

Leave your husband. You are already hurting him. Don't ask him for anything. Let him find someone for whom he is more than a paycheck

  • Author
Stuck88 New Member

Stuck88

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. Let me tell you they help oh so much. Or not.

 

I can assure you all my husband is much more than financial support. I have loved him dearly for many years, but he refuses to talk about our issues. He is emotionally unavailable to them all and it is heartbreaking. If none of you have been through infertility, you wouldn't understand just how much that aspect affects things and how hard it is that he has not given much effort in that department. I get that. It's much more than money and sex here. I have shared so much with him in these years that I can't bare the thoughts of being without him.

 

I gave up many things to be with him because I saw the potential of a great life with him. It's just not turning out how I had hoped. I haven't felt heard or cherished or validated for years. He has known for some time that I'm not happy, but he thinks that it's all okay because he's happy enough.

 

I realize I came off sounding extremely selfish and flippant on the original post. I did not express things well and it would take a book to really get the whole picture.

 

I will no longer be responding. Thanks everyone, including the moderator who I have been begging to edit this or take it down since making the post. I just want to say that I have loved him very much, but it is extremely difficult to be with someone emotionally unavailable while not having physical or emotional needs met and who has dismissed my feelings for so long. He is a good man. A great man actually. He just doesn't seem to take my happiness seriously. I will forever have regrets about the entire situation.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
anika99 Established Member

anika99

Posted
Posted

I am shocked that you and your other man brought his innocent child into your affair and now tell him lies about why you can't be even more involved with him. Are you two trying to deceive and hurt as many people as you possibly can? It's not good enough that you are lying to your husband, you two had to drag an innocent boy into this sordid situation as well? It's make you and your affair partner feel good to play pretend family and so you make his child play your pretend game too without any thought given to how he is going to wind up hurt. Selfish selfish selfish.

 

Leave your husband, you have no love or respect for him. You pretend to care but really your only concern is for your money and your reputation. Your husband didn't turn into a monster after you married him. He is the person you chose to marry but now because you have found hot sex with a new guy who are pretending that you somehow got coerced into marriage. If you would have broken up with him after the first night of bad sex why couldn't you break up with him on the 2nd or 3rd night of bad sex? You dated him for 4 years and accepted him for who he is and now he's unacceptable to you. He can find a woman who truly loves him and wants him. Please set him free.

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
I have a reputation for being a sweetheart that will be shattered and my friends and family will all think differently of me. This terrifies me.

 

Tell your husband the truth that you have been cheating on him with a man who you feel is beneath you but the sex is good so you're leaving. Don't worry about your so called reputation as being a sweetheart. This should set the record straight.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

I admire your honesty OP. Despite the fact that people aren't impressed with it.

 

I can understand why you wouldn't want to leave the lifestyle you currently have. That's the same as many married women in affairs. Nothing new there.

 

Now you've said your husband is a good man, so why after all the coaching hasn't he taken the time to give you a better sexual experience? Don't you explore other means of pleasure apart from penetrative sex?

 

Is he incapable of following what you say or is he just a selfish lover? Not bothered if you're left hanging.

 

I suspect your husband feels very lucky to have a woman like you considering he's overweight and not a good lover... He expects that his money makes up for that, but it clearly doesn't.

 

The worse thing here, is involving a child in your affair. That's not right at all.

 

Many women would forgo the poor sex, in return for a man who does lots of housework and spoils you.

 

Decide what you want, because getting busted would be awful in your small town.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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