If you (fWS) are in a marriage that reconciled, do you ever think about your ow/ om?

[l8estnews]

This is exactly the reason why I don't think my relationship will survive if infidelity comes into it. I will always wonder if my partner missing the other party.

 

One of the things I hate the most is being a nuisance or being an inconvenience to anyone. If I feel like I am hindering someone's happiness or wants, I tend to step away. I want genuine passion and love, and not because my partner "has no choice."

[OpenBook]

there was more sexual desire and energy that was directed towards me in so many different ways and on so many different levels, in a couple of hours, she probable directed more of that towards me in a few short hours, than the sum total sexual desire and energy that my wife has probable expressed or directed towards me over 30 years. I realized from that day forward, I have always wanted that from my wife. I still want that from my wife. I really enjoyed having someone mentally, and physically, comfortable flirting with me with some real intention, energy, desire, creativity, sustained and with purpose.

 

This is what has mystified me ever since I joined this site looking for answers on MM. It is consistently expressed here... that the WH's ultimate desire is getting it from his W! She holds the key to it all! But the BW is so focused on licking her own wounds, and/or punishing him she doesn't appear to see it. Or she dismisses his need for sexual attention as trivial, and not nearly as important as other expectations she has of him as a H. The original problem in the M doesn't get fixed. And the WH eventually drifts back to this dangerous state of mind:

 

I find myself in a bit of a vulnerable state of mind and emotions again. I suppose this thread may have... exposed, open up, got me to ... I don't know the right words here for this... There were and are needs, wants, desires that where and are somewhat missing in my marriage relationship that I was inappropriately seeking to get met outside of the marriage. A lot of the issues are still current and ongoing issues/problems.

[Stuck2532]

What is it you got from the A?

What is it you want truly?

 

There is somehing you want that you either don't know or won't admit.

You've reconciled but did you address the why? It's not about your spouse it never is it's always about you.

 

For example: the OP brought it up because her husband said the OW was "fun" spontaneous. So it's not about her or a reflection of her it's about him still.

 

Even in questions say the BH is abusive or hurtful etc the answer is not I cheated because my husband was awful. The answer is why did I allow this to continue....and not address it.

 

Cheating is always a choice a decision. Something the cheater feels they need. But either don't know what they need or don't now how to ask for, so you take "the easy way out" instead of addressing the real problem.

 

I didn't want anything from the A. I wasn't looking for it. I tried to stop the EA from getting physical for 2/3 months, but then I just gave in. I wasn't getting much attention from my spouse at the time and this OW showed up and things just happened very organically. I agree with you that it's a decision, 100% it is, and I'm sure many WWs here would agree that it's not an easy one, but one they ultimately went with because...well, I don't htink it's ever just one reason.

 

Maybe that's why we can't easily forget the OW/OM, because the wayward deeply struggled with 1) starting the A, and 2) ending the A, if they did. Still, I don't think that the fact that the WS thinks of the OW/OM means they necessary must be lying to the BS.