If you (fWS) are in a marriage that reconciled, do you ever think about your ow/ om?

[wmacbride]

If you are in a marriage that reconciled, do you ever think about your ow/ om? Being pragmatic, I expect my husband does, and that all goes back to one statement he made in passing when I first found out about the A.

 

One thing he had said about her is that she was "fun" and spontaneous. At the time, that wasn't an option for me. It's easy to be "spontaneous" when you are a single woman, but not so much when you are a married mother with three small kids. I couldn't just drop everything and go run off to play all day like she could. I expect there are times he misses that.

 

Spontaneity for us has gotten a bit better as our kids are older, but this is about as good as it will ever get for us due to reasons beyond our control.

 

I've talked to my husband about this, and he's told me he is really sorry he said what he did, but doesn't remember it. I believe him. He's a good man, and a terrible liar ( when he was cheating, I knew he was lying about something, I just didn't know what it was)

 

When I think about it, I wonder if the ws doesn't remember saying these things, as they have had time to process the affair and have made their peace with it ( for lack of a better term). The bs is not given that option. No matter ow open our ws may be, we are still left with only bits and pieces of the whole crappy mess, and a whole lot we may never understand. Accepting that sucks, but it is what it is.

 

I know this post is all over the place, and I apologize for that.

[alsudduth]

I'm at almost 11 months of NC with my OM. I still think of him often, though not as frequently as in the beginning.

 

Some days are harder than others to push the thoughts down. I take the fact that they are less frequent than in the beginning as a positive sign.

 

I also will say that my thoughts of the OM are NOT about wanting to reach out, to reignite the A or anything of that nature.

 

It is mostly wondering what he is up to these days. I'd be lying if some of it was wondering if he ever still thinks about me. But mostly when I think of him, i think about how it was all a fog, that things never would have worked out in the real world. Then I remind myself that I love my husband, I remind myself of why I chose my H, and that it was the right choice. And then I go kiss my H and hug my kids.

[wmacbride]

I'm at almost 11 months of NC with my OM. I still think of him often, though not as frequently as in the beginning.

 

Some days are harder than others to push the thoughts down. I take the fact that they are less frequent than in the beginning as a positive sign.

 

I also will say that my thoughts of the OM are NOT about wanting to reach out, to reignite the A or anything of that nature.

 

It is mostly wondering what he is up to these days. I'd be lying if some of it was wondering if he ever still thinks about me. But mostly when I think of him, i think about how it was all a fog, that things never would have worked out in the real world. Then I remind myself that I love my husband, I remind myself of why I chose my H, and that it was the right choice. And then I go kiss my H and hug my kids.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

I'm glad to hear how you handle these thoughts. I'd be fooling myself to think that my spouse could somehow wipe the A from his mind, and I'm glad to have the perspective from a ws.

[Mrs. John Adams]

no...I dont. The only time i think about him is when there is a thread that reminds me.

[pheonixrisen]

If you are in a marriage that reconciled, do you ever think about your ow/ om? Being pragmatic, I expect my husband does, and that all goes back to one statement he made in passing when I first found out about the A.

 

One thing he had said about her is that she was "fun" and spontaneous. At the time, that wasn't an option for me. It's easy to be "spontaneous" when you are a single woman, but not so much when you are a married mother with three small kids. I couldn't just drop everything and go run off to play all day like she could. I expect there are times he misses that.

 

Spontaneity for us has gotten a bit better as our kids are older, but this is about as good as it will ever get for us due to reasons beyond our control.

 

I've talked to my husband about this, and he's told me he is really sorry he said what he did, but doesn't remember it. I believe him. He's a good man, and a terrible liar ( when he was cheating, I knew he was lying about something, I just didn't know what it was)

 

When I think about it, I wonder if the ws doesn't remember saying these things, as they have had time to process the affair and have made their peace with it ( for lack of a better term). The bs is not given that option. No matter ow open our ws may be, we are still left with only bits and pieces of the whole crappy mess, and a whole lot we may never understand. Accepting that sucks, but it is what it is.

 

I know this post is all over the place, and I apologize for that.

 

I believe since we did not experience it first hand ..or were present when it was happening we will always feel something missing like a piece lost in a puzzle...ondday and following no matter what the ws say you will always question did he actually feel that way in that moment how would you really know it's all hearsay and you are getting the info from a person proven to be a lair

 

So we ask a 100 question in 100 different ways on different days to check if it's the same answer

 

I think it works both ways as ow think about them they must too to some extent but ow build their whole life around the mm ...where as mm already have a life a woman his wife children work etc..in time memory fades but if you will never forget an affair in a m....same way ws will not

[RecentChange]

Bluntly? I think about the sex.

 

We never had a love affair. I don't wonder how he is doing, or what he is up to.

 

But I do have memories, and sometimes I reminisce.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It was over end of Dec 2015 and I have had NC since Dec 2016, except for one time where he randomly was working downstairs from my client (another lie, he had moved and not told us), but so 6 months now.

 

I did think about him for a long time, it really haunted me, but it's gone now. I definitely have zero positive feelings - no love, no caring, I cannot actually recall any specifics about physical encounters other than knowing they happened. No longing. No memories. No anything. Sometimes I post about hating him but I really don't. He is in the same category as my other exes, pieces of crap, but in a box in the far, dusty corner of my mind.

 

The only emotion that remains is that bitter feeling (not bittersweet) where you know you got played and discarded by someone who knew you. But then again, he did the same to his wife of 14 years, so there you go. I read the threads here and see the same old story over and over, what are you going to do, there is nothing productive in beating myself up for my lifetime. That only hurts me and my family. So I've mostly put it behind me as a valuable learning experience. You close the door, you see the truth, you move on.

[deadsoul]

Yes, I do still think about him. But it is getting less and less. I see it for what it was now.

 

When I catch myself thinking about him, I am able to direct my thoughts elsewhere, which I couldn't do before.

 

This is probably painful for BS's to read. But I have no desire to reconnect with him or see him or anything.

 

Thoughts? They are okay. If I keep fighting them, I won't heal. Actions? They are not. I make the choice daily not to act on any thoughts I have that will hurt my family.

[Chica80]

OP what do you think he meant by spontaneous could you ask him?

 

Could spontaneous mean you surprise him at wrk one day with lunch?

Or a date night in the middle of the week.

Or maybe dropping off the kids at school and you two have a day together no errands or wrk just you two?

 

What about you? Do you like spontaneous or something that you could ask for from him?

[aileD]

I'm sure my H does. Her name is all over accounts at work and that whole area is one big trigger. But he doesn't mention her to me.

[QuietDan]

Only on the back edges of my mind. Back in the shadows of foolishness. No matter how frustrated or lost in my own drama of my mind about what ever problems we are going through, it is not something I care to or want to do. Learning to make the most out of the relationship I am in with my wife. Investing in the relationship I am in, staying intentional about the relationship I am in. Thoughts of the other are filled with pain and regret. A year or so.... Lost...eaten by the locust. Dust collected, things not done, a time I lost and forgot who I was... The pain an torment of an anguished betrayed spouse....forever burned into my mind, heart, soul....

No fond memories, no idle musing of what was or could have been with the other.

More like, lost and missed opportunities if what I should have been doing to fix the problems. I could have and should have invested in my marraige and the relationship with my wife.... The other is a shadow of guilt, regret, remorse, .... Self loathing....

[QuietDan]

Even after all this time...10 years later....Still....lying...hiding....minimizing....even here.... A year or so = 2 years.... One affair....was two. One long term... One short term.... The short term one followed on the heals of the long term one.... The short term one was after D-Day for the long term affair. Only the long term affair was discovered back them. Both huant me in negative ways.... Don't care to let my mind venture into those memories. Lifes Lessons.... Lifes Regrets.... My mind was really messed up back then....

[Chica80]

Even after all this time...10 years later....Still....lying...hiding....minimizing....even here.... A year or so = 2 years.... One affair....was two. One long term... One short term.... The short term one followed on the heals of the long term one.... The short term one was after D-Day for the long term affair. Only the long term affair was discovered back them. Both huant me in negative ways.... Don't care to let my mind venture into those memories. Lifes Lessons.... Lifes Regrets.... My mind was really messed up back then....

 

How can you live this way? Lying, does ot not lead to a great divide between you? Was it two different people or the same one?

 

No judgements, curious?

[QuietDan]

How can you live this way? Lying, does ot not lead to a great divide between you? Was it two different people or the same one?

 

No judgements, curious?

Two different people.

[Bittersweetie]

Eight years out, I do not think of xAP.

 

Do I think about what I did? Yes. I never want to forget the pain I caused, so that I never walk down the path again. I also acknowledge the growth I've done and what I can still work on.

 

But think about the xAP? Heck no.

 

One more thing...I know that I projected A LOT of what I wanted and needed on to xAP. Maybe your H projected on to OW his need for spontaneity, since you weren't able to be like that at the time. Just a thought.

[Chica80]

Two different people.

 

I don't want to t/j so I will just say....maybe this is something you need to talk about. Even if to a bunch of anonymous strangers.

 

Just a thought.

[Whoknew30]

Every once in awhile I think of ex OM. We had a really good time together & developed a friendship, our relationship wasn't purely physical, so I have fond memories of him...but when I do think of him, it also makes me happy that I reconciled my marriage. I know that sounds strange but it's true, when he pops in, the memory of everything comes with it, including the regret.

[QuietDan]

I don't want to t/j so I will just say....maybe this is something you need to talk about. Even if to a bunch of anonymous strangers.

 

Just a thought.

 

I appreciate the suggestion. I am concerned about a bit of a thread jack, or drifting off topic here I suppose.

I started a thread about a month ago that I revealed a bit more of a back drop to my situation/circumstances of my life/marriage. It was a bit of a messy chaotic thread with out too much legs at the time.

I have been doing a bit of trickle truth about that part of my past a bit here and there on this subject on LS here over the last few months. There is a bit more to all of this. Not all that comfortable lifting up the rug to see or show all that was swept under it.

I find myself in a bit of a vulnerable state of mind and emotions again. I suppose this thread may have... exposed, open up, got me to ... I don't know the right words here for this.

I suppose this thread has gotten me to realize another reason that I don't like to even serious think about this subject in the context to the question asked here. It is easier to limit thoughts, words, ideas to the accepted... proper, right, productive stances that most betrayed and former regretful remorseful spouses end up discovering, finding out, learning.

However, that being said. There were and are needs, wants, desires that where and are somewhat missing in my marriage relationship that I was inappropriately seeking to get met outside of the marriage. A lot of the issues are still current and ongoing issues/problems.

I suppose one of the things that I struggle with the most about everything in all of this, the second affair, fairly short term one, potentially the worse and most dangerous one, unlike the first one, the second one started to turn into a physical affair. Or, it was a PA / potential EA that somewhat limited in scope compared to most on this site. However, in a city park, fairly public setting, not a whole lot of full/real contact, there was more sexual desire and energy that was directed towards me in so many different ways and on so many different levels, in a couple of hours, she probable directed more of that towards me in a few short hours, than the sum total sexual desire and energy that my wife has probable expressed or directed towards me over 30 years. I realized from that day forward, I have always wanted that from my wife. I still want that from my wife. I really enjoyed having someone mentally, and physically, comfortable flirting with me with some real intention, energy, desire, creativity, sustained and with purpose.

There were a few other encounters of sorts... but... the first public one... really is the one that stays with me the most. The one I struggle with the most. With a great deal of intentional, deliberate, mindful, purposeful, self preserving effort, I avoid thinking about, reminiscing, ponderings, or any other tricks of the mind to spend any time in that moment on that day. It is too painful. I deliberately keep my mind busy with tasks, hobbies, chores, work, and, trying to be the best husband I can possible be while keeping things in my marriage as pleasant as possible.

Pretty much a bit, horrified, embarrassed, and ashamed to be.... dribbling this out here... but, it somehow seems to be relevant to both the question this thread is asking and your comments and additional questions....

[Chica80]

I appreciate the suggestion. I am concerned about a bit of a thread jack, or drifting off topic here I suppose.

I started a thread about a month ago that I revealed a bit more of a back drop to my situation/circumstances of my life/marriage. It was a bit of a messy chaotic thread with out too much legs at the time.

I have been doing a bit of trickle truth about that part of my past a bit here and there on this subject on LS here over the last few months. There is a bit more to all of this. Not all that comfortable lifting up the rug to see or show all that was swept under it.

I find myself in a bit of a vulnerable state of mind and emotions again. I suppose this thread may have... exposed, open up, got me to ... I don't know the right words here for this.

I suppose this thread has gotten me to realize another reason that I don't like to even serious think about this subject in the context to the question asked here. It is easier to limit thoughts, words, ideas to the accepted... proper, right, productive stances that most betrayed and former regretful remorseful spouses end up discovering, finding out, learning.

However, that being said. There were and are needs, wants, desires that where and are somewhat missing in my marriage relationship that I was inappropriately seeking to get met outside of the marriage. A lot of the issues are still current and ongoing issues/problems.

I suppose one of the things that I struggle with the most about everything in all of this, the second affair, fairly short term one, potentially the worse and most dangerous one, unlike the first one, the second one started to turn into a physical affair. Or, it was a PA / potential EA that somewhat limited in scope compared to most on this site. However, in a city park, fairly public setting, not a whole lot of full/real contact, there was more sexual desire and energy that was directed towards me in so many different ways and on so many different levels, in a couple of hours, she probable directed more of that towards me in a few short hours, than the sum total sexual desire and energy that my wife has probable expressed or directed towards me over 30 years. I realized from that day forward, I have always wanted that from my wife. I still want that from my wife. I really enjoyed having someone mentally, and physically, comfortable flirting with me with some real intention, energy, desire, creativity, sustained and with purpose.

There were a few other encounters of sorts... but... the first public one... really is the one that stays with me the most. The one I struggle with the most. With a great deal of intentional, deliberate, mindful, purposeful, self preserving effort, I avoid thinking about, reminiscing, ponderings, or any other tricks of the mind to spend any time in that moment on that day. It is too painful. I deliberately keep my mind busy with tasks, hobbies, chores, work, and, trying to be the best husband I can possible be while keeping things in my marriage as pleasant as possible.

Pretty much a bit, horrified, embarrassed, and ashamed to be.... dribbling this out here... but, it somehow seems to be relevant to both the question this thread is asking and your comments and additional questions....

 

You are denying your true self.

What you really want from your wife.

What really happened.

The amount of times the two A not one...etc etc.

 

No wonder you don't want to think about it or ever go there in your mind? What did you really deal with or change. You didn't you just suppressed. It's still there it's still you except no one really knows.

 

Doesn't all that become exhausting?

[QuietDan]

You are denying your true self.

What you really want from your wife.

What really happened.

The amount of times the two A not one...etc etc.

 

No wonder you don't want to think about it or ever go there in your mind? What did you really deal with or change. You didn't you just suppressed. It's still there it's still you except no one really knows.

 

Doesn't all that become exhausting?

 

Just curious, I don't know that much about you yet, sifting through your many post would take some time, I hope you do not mind if I ask what is your current Wayward status? Did you have a D-day, or, confess to your spouse, are you still an active, or, inactive wayward? Sort of wondering if you have your own hopefully relavent story to add in response to the question posed for this thread.???

Edited June 3, 2017 by QuietDan
Typo correction.

[Chica80]

Just curious, I don't know that much about you yet, sifting through your many post would take some time, I hope you do not mind if I ask what is your current Wayward status? Did you have a D-day, or, confess to your spouse, are you still an active, or, inactive wayward? Sort of wondering if you have your own hopefully relavent story to add in response to the question posed for this thread.???

 

(Short answer)

 

I was a WS/OW.

I told my BH, soon to be ex, he wanted to reconcile I did not.

 

As to the original question I don't know. Because once A started I knew I wanted out, had wanted out. I wrote in a different post not too long ago about those reasons.

 

Again don't want to T/J

 

Also this might make a lot of people mad...I'm all for reconciliation when the WS sees the wrong truly loves their spouse and wants to make it work. Maybe I'm cynical, but believe this is a small percentage. Most WS stay for other reasons....So yes I think WS think about exAP a lot more than they would care to admit.

Edited June 4, 2017 by Sunshinechica

[road]

(Short answer)

 

I was a WS/OW.

I told my BH, soon to be ex, he wanted to reconcile I did not.

 

As to the original question I don't know. Because once A started I knew I wanted out, had wanted out. I wrote in a different post not too long ago about those reasons.

 

Again don't want to T/J

 

Also this might make a lot of people mad...I'm all for reconciliation when the WS sees the wrong truly loves their spouse and wants to make it work. Maybe I'm cynical, but believe this is a small percentage. Most WS stay for other reasons....So yes I think WS think about exAP a lot more than they would care to admit.

 

Are you NC with the OM and for how long?

[Stuck2532]

The one I struggle with the most. With a great deal of intentional, deliberate, mindful, purposeful, self preserving effort, I avoid thinking about, reminiscing, ponderings, or any other tricks of the mind to spend any time in that moment on that day. It is too painful. I deliberately keep my mind busy with tasks, hobbies, chores, work, and, trying to be the best husband I can possible be while keeping things in my marriage as pleasant as possible.

Pretty much a bit, horrified, embarrassed, and ashamed to be.... dribbling this out here... but, it somehow seems to be relevant to both the question this thread is asking and your comments and additional questions....

 

I'm right there with you, man.

 

Since we want to help out the original poster, I'll contribute my 2 cents.

 

I was in an EA at first which turned into a PA. It went on for a little over a year. It has been a little over 3 years since the A stopped, mostly because we both agreed it wouldn't go anywhere and it needed to end. It was sad and I was depressed for a long time, I would say close to 2 years. Without getting into too many details and jacking this thread, we never got to the NC phase. We stopped talking for a couple of months after the end of the PA, but eventually ended up continuing random contact which was 100% platonic (we go to school together but haven't had classes together for two semesters). The contact that still remains boils down to a random text (from her) about a school or something related to mutual acquaintances (we also used to work together).

We both decided to end the A mutually. It was been over 3 years now. I decided to R. I love my wife and I knew I didn't want to end up divorced. I knew I didn't want my kids to grow up with an absent Father. I am actually in a similar situation as QuietDan's. Aside from the initial DDay explosives, we revisited the subject a few times after, but I was too afraid my BS would not be able to overcome the betrayal if I revealed the whole truth...she can hold a grudge and is not the type to let things go. I knew it would be the end of the marriage if said the truth.

 

I went to counseling by myself for a little over a year (actually just stopped 2 months ago because my therapist left jobs and the new one wasn't helping much). Everything seems to be going very well now in our R and the subject never comes up. I've tried to include myself in the family as much as possible, and I always show my wife how important the kids and her are to me.

 

Getting to the original poster's question:

YES, I do think of her often. Every single day. Sometimes more than once. Like others said, I wonder what she's up to, if she's happy, if she still thinks about me at all. I deleted her number from my contacts to avoid texting her. It's a constant struggle and every little thing will remind me of her (lyrics in a random song, a character in a movie, a car tag similar to hers, every single time I see or hear her name, the smell of her perfume, and pretty much every time I see the back of any girl with long black hair...never fails). I don't want to start the A again. I'm sure she doesn't either. I don't even want to start communicating with her in a friendly way because it will only stir up feelings that haven't completely subsided. Having said that, I can't help the way I feel and the way memories pop up in my head when her memory is triggered.

 

Still, I've stuck to it and have managed to keep this up for three years. The remorse, regret, shame, and embarrassment never left, and I feel like every day I have a chance to do the right thing. It sucks, and keeping secrets is not the best way to go about it, but we all made decisions to deal with our mistakes the best way the circumstances allowed. All we can do as WSs is TRY to move on, try to make it up to the BS as best as possible, and continue to internally punish ourselves for what we have done.

[Chica80]

I'm right there with you, man.

 

Since we want to help out the original poster, I'll contribute my 2 cents.

 

I was in an EA at first which turned into a PA. It went on for a little over a year. It has been a little over 3 years since the A stopped, mostly because we both agreed it wouldn't go anywhere and it needed to end. It was sad and I was depressed for a long time, I would say close to 2 years. Without getting into too many details and jacking this thread, we never got to the NC phase. We stopped talking for a couple of months after the end of the PA, but eventually ended up continuing random contact which was 100% platonic (we go to school together but haven't had classes together for two semesters). The contact that still remains boils down to a random text (from her) about a school or something related to mutual acquaintances (we also used to work together).

We both decided to end the A mutually. It was been over 3 years now. I decided to R. I love my wife and I knew I didn't want to end up divorced. I knew I didn't want my kids to grow up with an absent Father. I am actually in a similar situation as QuietDan's. Aside from the initial DDay explosives, we revisited the subject a few times after, but I was too afraid my BS would not be able to overcome the betrayal if I revealed the whole truth...she can hold a grudge and is not the type to let things go. I knew it would be the end of the marriage if said the truth.

 

I went to counseling by myself for a little over a year (actually just stopped 2 months ago because my therapist left jobs and the new one wasn't helping much). Everything seems to be going very well now in our R and the subject never comes up. I've tried to include myself in the family as much as possible, and I always show my wife how important the kids and her are to me.

 

Getting to the original poster's question:

YES, I do think of her often. Every single day. Sometimes more than once. Like others said, I wonder what she's up to, if she's happy, if she still thinks about me at all. I deleted her number from my contacts to avoid texting her. It's a constant struggle and every little thing will remind me of her (lyrics in a random song, a character in a movie, a car tag similar to hers, every single time I see or hear her name, the smell of her perfume, and pretty much every time I see the back of any girl with long black hair...never fails). I don't want to start the A again. I'm sure she doesn't either. I don't even want to start communicating with her in a friendly way because it will only stir up feelings that haven't completely subsided. Having said that, I can't help the way I feel and the way memories pop up in my head when her memory is triggered.

 

Still, I've stuck to it and have managed to keep this up for three years. The remorse, regret, shame, and embarrassment never left, and I feel like every day I have a chance to do the right thing. It sucks, and keeping secrets is not the best way to go about it, but we all made decisions to deal with our mistakes the best way the circumstances allowed. All we can do as WSs is TRY to move on, try to make it up to the BS as best as possible, and continue to internally punish ourselves for what we have done.

 

What is it you got from the A?

What is it you want truly?

 

There is somehing you want that you either don't know or won't admit.

You've reconciled but did you address the why? It's not about your spouse it never is it's always about you.

 

For example: the OP brought it up because her husband said the OW was "fun" spontaneous. So it's not about her or a reflection of her it's about him still.

 

Even in questions say the BH is abusive or hurtful etc the answer is not I cheated because my husband was awful. The answer is why did I allow this to continue....and not address it.

 

Cheating is always a choice a decision. Something the cheater feels they need. But either don't know what they need or don't now how to ask for, so you take "the easy way out" instead of addressing the real problem.

[Ahurtgirl]

Yes, I think of my exMM frequently. I have moved on and I am happy but the memories are still there. Sometimes they are of those times that him and I were at the start of falling in love when he felt like I was the one for him and he wanted to leave his wife for me but I wasn't ready but then flips to hating him because of the lawsuit after the afair was over. He caused me to have to spend money on an attorney and that I will never forgive him for. If you really want him to never have positive thoughts of his ex affair partner, just open up a lawsuit against her for lose of affection or some other frivolous matter... that will forever cause any remaining feelings to end.