Jmeti000 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Hey all. I started seeing someone a few months ago and things seemed to be going absolutely amazing between us. She told me she'd been single for a little over four months had dated a little, and was open to a long relationship if it went there. I was being rather slow and not diving into anything right off, but she kept asking and begging me to trust her, open up, and she'd take care of my heart if I did. So I took the leap, did it, and were really great between us. She would always say how much she appreciated me, how much she loved me, made olans long term, and even inteoduced me to some of her family. Nothing that would indicate any issues on her part. Fast forward to last week and I noticed little changes in certains patterns...not big and if they hadn't happened back to back I would have thought nothing of it. I asked her a couple of times if all was ok and she said yes. Her distance was more noticable 2 days later (insanely noticable) so I said even if she doesnt want to acknowledge it shes distant and I dont know if it was something I did or didnt do, but I wish she'd talk to me about whats going on because I feel like at that point I was walking on eggshells. Told her all could think of to do at this point without pushing her away more I was going to give her some space, and I'd be here when she was ready to talk. That was it, and so I waited. Then the next day I get this text: "So here's the deal. When we met I told you I had been broken up from my ex for four months. In reality it had been less than two months. And I'm not over it. I'm still reeling from it. Spinning in my head every single day. And that isn't fair to you. This is all too much too soon and I can't do it. You have been so kind to me. And it is unfair to you that I'm elsewhere. I need to get over it. Get over her before I can move on. I am Asked immediately I could call her, no reply, so tried twice. She either shut her phone off (or blocked me) so it goes right to voicemail. So I just sent a very nice text back saying I wasnt mad and I understand, but I feel after everything I deserve at the very very least to talk to her given everything and what exactly does this mean? Is she wanting to slow way down? Take a break and see where we are in a few months? Or cut me out completely? Haven't heard anything in two days. I just dont understand how anyone could beg someone to open up, do and say everything that she did, then in a span of 3 days do a complete 180, drop that text string on me like that and not even show me the decency or respect as a person to at least have SOME type of dialog so I can be sure of where we're at in my head as well and move on accordingly. Im just dumbfounded and bewildered...I feel as though what she did was very cruel and like just got the biggest mind and emotional screwing from one of the top professionals in the industry. At this point I dont even think I know what I'm here to ask...maybe I just needed to vent, I don't know. But any thoughts and/or ideas on maybe how to move forward and come to terms with this woukd be great because at this point I have my doubts I'll hear from her again. Thanks
preraph Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 That was her way of breaking up with you. Then she's not answering calls, so she doesn't want to talk now and she knows you do, so the ball is in her court. I'm glad you told her you understand, so she knows your door is open if she gets straightened out, but do not sit around and wait for that. Date other people. I'm sorry. That hurts because it just came out of the blue. She probably just can't handle her crisis and yours too right now. Don't let this start questioning yourself and your worth. This was something she tried to get past but just wasn't past it. I have been there. For me, I didn't get past it anytime soon enough to retrieve any men I left in my wake. Even if she and the ex get back together, they'll likely break up again, which will just leave her right back at this same place licking her wounds and not ready to move on. So this will take some time. Go put one foot in front of the other here pretty soon and go do things with friends and don't let yourself dwell on this and get stuck in a rut of focusing on it. Live.
Author Jmeti000 Posted May 31, 2017 Author Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) If she blocked my number she'll never know I sent that text. I was thinking about giving it a couple weeks and hope maybe she'd settle enough to reach out and open a dialog of some sort. If not I have some of her things at my place and her house key so I was thinking of just mailing them to her with a short note or letter to let her know Im not mad, I do understand, and if she ever wishes to get in touch sometime in the future I'd love to hear from her if/when shes ready. Then I guess let the chips fall where they may, but at least if I do that it'll give me some piece of mind that she'll know for sure I cared enough about the relationship to reach out and didnt just kiss it to the wind and I wont have to stare at her things and make it worse for me (It just doesnt feel right trashing them)..thats my plan anyways. Edited May 31, 2017 by Jmeti000 1
Khop97 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 That EXACt situation happened to me 2 months ago.. I mean exact! It hurt like hell the first month and as time went on the hurt started to turn I torn into anger towards her for doing that and leaving me out to dry. Hang in there man- go NC- that has helped me a ton.. it's now been 35 days NC for me and I have grown from having to deal with that situation. I still miss her and think about her- but I think it's more of the situation I miss not necessarily her.
Maldives Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) <snip> I just dont understand how anyone could beg someone to open up, do and say everything that she did, then in a span of 3 days do a complete 180, drop that text string on me like that and not even show me the decency or respect as a person to at least have SOME type of dialog so I can be sure of where we're at in my head as well and move on accordingly. Im just dumbfounded and bewildered...I feel as though what she did was very cruel and like just got the biggest mind and emotional screwing from one of the top professionals in the industry. At this point I dont even think I know what I'm here to ask...maybe I just needed to vent, I don't know. But any thoughts and/or ideas on maybe how to move forward and come to terms with this woukd be great because at this point I have my doubts I'll hear from her again. Thanks Oh boy I been thru this accept in my case her ex had been killed in a car accident. Don't expect her to have it resolved in her mind anytime soon unless u can show ur very patient and let her talk about her ex and understand her hurt wich will in fact hurt u even more hearing it i would strongly suggest to move on. I say that because once u go NC she will be back because shell need that support I wld suggest strongly to repel her advances if she does unless u can really be indifferent to wat she is going thru wich would really mean u have no feelings for her. Edited June 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Author Jmeti000 Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 I can't decide if I want to here from her or not to be honest. My emotions side is saying "yes of course I do because all things aside shes an amazing woman who maybe just thought she was ready before she really was..it happens and if she comes back its worth another shot, just be a little more guarded in the beginning". Then there's my logical side that says "oh heck no. She was extremely self centered in how she dealt with this and showed complete disregard for my feelings." Its just a tug-o-war game between the two side at this point...*sigh* 1
todreaminblue Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) breaking up should never be over text message and yes you do deserve a face to face...in saying that....some women cant handle it....i dont believe in breaking up over text message even if it is someone you hardly knew.....and especially if long term plans were discussed...a face to face is warranted..... my daughter travelled two hours to stay with someone she broke up with because that person was really upset......unfortunately that person held on to hope and sent my daughter a message a couple of months later pleading to be with her.....and my daughter had to explain again how wonderful she thought this person was and that she deserved to be with someone who loved her as much...it was really difficult for my daughter..she bawled.......my family (my girls and i)are not good dumpers....we are better dumpees.....better to dump us.... and a lot of women struggle with dumping its out fo our natural comfort zone...most women are nurturers...and dumping people is horrid.....often a woman wont reply because she often is too upset too its upsetting and not easy to say goodbye to someone..many women will ghost.....she has told you its over ....and she cant deal with anymore than that....no pretty words she doesnt feel.....she probably feels awful about it..... when i had broken from my ex it was six months.....i started dating.....and i figured out neither me nor my family were ready for me to date....i had to tell a guy goodbye.....and he got nasty ...said i was a horrible person that i was judgmental and it was his looks and his nationality he was asian...told me i was nothing special...... i had to tell him no its not you it really is my family and me im not ready to date i am not well....he didnt believe me and made me feel worse than crap....i was always honest.....and my family were in therapy and i ended up back in hospital anyway...i wasnt dealing with things and dating was making it worse with guilt..... in the end with this guy i just cut off...because i tried to be his friend....and he just got more upset.....i tried to break up with a guy once we were on a roof......stupid me....break up with a guy on a roof.....he threatened to jump off another guy when i was in the military told me he wanted to commit suicide if i left him.i felt this ...unhealthiness between us ...i am an empath...he ended up leaving the navy....i felt so bad.....a really bad person.....i wish i didnt feel at these times anything...but what i was doing was right.....for them and for me........i dont like breaking up with guys at all....but im honest and i believe partners and bfs deserve honesty.... you have to let her go if she contacts you...then decide how you feel....and what you want to say......but i know for a fact letting a guy go ..is like firing someone making them feel less than what they truly are making them sad.....rejected....alone...abandoned....you dotn do that to people unless it is absolute necessity...and it is hard.........and not nice..horrid...yuck..ack respect her silence.....sometimes...in the silence you hear the words left unsaid.....pretty clearly.....and the word was good bye..... .im sorry ...at least you arent wasting months and months with someone who truly wasnt sure how they felt...and you need to fidn happiness within you again now and heal..... ...best wishes in your future relationship you will have with someone else...who does really feel for you...because you will ...get there....i am sure of that.deb Edited June 1, 2017 by todreaminblue
ExpatInItaly Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Unfortunately, she's not over her ex and this was her way of ending it with you. She isn't looking to slow things down or to take a break. It's over. And believe me when I say that when you get a message like that from someone, it's best not to try to persuade them to stay. Her heart and mind are still with him and my guess is that you were her rebound, I'm afraid. 1
LargoLagg Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 That was her way of breaking up with you. Then she's not answering calls, so she doesn't want to talk now and she knows you do, so the ball is in her court. I'm glad you told her you understand, so she knows your door is open if she gets straightened out, but do not sit around and wait for that. Date other people. I'm sorry. That hurts because it just came out of the blue. I think it hurts more because complete silence is so unnecessary. She could have said a million things, even if it wasn't sincere, or responsive to the request. The lack of acknowledgement shows just how little regard she has for the OP. It is the level of selfishness and disdain that one reserves for an enemy, not someone who you've simply lost interest in. THAT is what hurts, because you feel like the person you knew was a lie. A deliberate lie. OP, you probably are trying to think of ways to fix this with her somehow. But the truth is that you can't fix it. All you can do is learn how not to give a s#!t. It will be hard, but it can be done. 1
Maldives Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I can't decide if I want to here from her or not to be honest. My emotions side is saying "yes of course I do because all things aside shes an amazing woman who maybe just thought she was ready before she really was..it happens and if she comes back its worth another shot, just be a little more guarded in the beginning". Then there's my logical side that says "oh heck no. She was extremely self centered in how she dealt with this and showed complete disregard for my feelings." Its just a tug-o-war game between the two side at this point...*sigh* I can definatly relate to that dude. The answer is its ur call. Maybe she won't and will be ok but im just talking about my own personal experience here and it took a while. All it means is if u did take her back and things werent going great and u were getting hurt then it might be u that calls it time. Either that or if she leaves again ull just have to restart the healing again. i kno for me wen i took another relationship back my ex wife in this case and she then took offr again i was pissed wth myself.
Author Jmeti000 Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) I dont know...I dont feel as though she would go back to her ex, not after all the cheating that was found out her ex did and how poorly she was treated. And to be honest even if she did I have no doubt that it would end again. Granted this is based on what shes told me which may or may not be true given that she lied about something so simple as the length of time she'd been single...which I still also don't understand. I'm not trying to get her back. I have no intentions of hounding her, spam emailing her, or texting and calling non stop. That't just not me. My action has been inaction and that's how it will remain until I send her her stuff in a couple weeks if I haven't heard from her. I have a feeling part of it is she probably freaked about meeting my family this weekend. But she also made a HUGE deal about how important birthdays were despite my own thoughts. We had made plans and had reservations at the coast for 3 days together and that would have been next weekend. My hope is that once the threat of meeting the family is over, maybe she'll open up a line of communication starting by simply wishing me a happy birthday. If shes scared I'm going to be an ******* or something and I am (not happening) then she has her excuse and I'm now the bad guy. @ LargoLagg: You are absolutely correct. After how much she pushed for me to open myself up and let her in, and the complete 180 in SUCH a short time, then for her to just walk away like she did...like I meant nothing to her and was just something to be discarded an thrown out with the trash...Yeah it hurts like hell. I've been broken up with before, it happens. But never in my life have I had someone be so cruel that they don't allow for any dialog, not even via text...NEVER. Edited June 1, 2017 by Jmeti000
salparadise Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 After how much she pushed for me to open myself up and let her in, and the complete 180 in SUCH a short time, then for her to just walk away like she did...like I meant nothing to her and was just something to be discarded an thrown out with the trash...Yeah it hurts like hell. I've been broken up with before, it happens. But never in my life have I had someone be so cruel that they don't allow for any dialog, not even via text. It sounds strangely similar to how my ex treated me after a year and a half of what seemed like an ideal relationship. I was all in. We did have two text unsatisfactory exchanges in which she vilified me and doubled down on a thin excuse... no conversation, never saw or spoke with her again. Who knows why people behave the way they do. It's baffling, disorienting. They mask underlying issues until then one day it blows up and they turn into someone you'd have bet a million dollars they could never be. I'm still hurt and traumatized four months later. Several weeks ago I met a woman and we had three wonderful dates. The first date was the best first date ever. Our meet-and-greet over a drink turned into five hours with dinner and a walk and an electric kiss. The next two were great as well. We both felt that we'd be going on many more dates, at least. On the afternoon of the day following the third date she called and said we're done. Again, she used a thin excuse that I don't for a minute believe was the actual reason. Women. Is it any wonder they have such a reputation for being impossible to understand? There is a thread on here about people having an instant-off switch in which some good thoughts were shared. I think it mostly comes down to fundamental emotional instability (and I don't believe it's just women –– but from my personal experience, it's women).
preraph Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 When someone conveys so clearly they do not want to hear from you, I think the ONLY thing a decent person should do is respect that and leave it alone.
Author Jmeti000 Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) @ Preraph: Sooooo I'm confused...you said earlier it was good that I told her I understand. But if she blocked me because she thought for whatever reason I was going to blow up on her then she wont ever see or know that I sent that text saying I understand, thus she may not know the door is open. Knowing that doesnt it make sense that if I dont hear from her im a couple weeks to send her things back with a nice short letter or note saying just that so she does know and that it dod all mean something to me? Im not talking about berateing and constantly contacting her, just a one and done thing and the balls back in her court. Edited June 1, 2017 by Jmeti000
mightycpa Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 Probably a better idea is to see if she's interested in stealing the ball and getting it back onto her court. Because otherwise, you're playing a game with somebody who has left the building.
Author Jmeti000 Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) @ MightyCPA: Steel what ball back? I'm pretty much a straight shooter and aren't really good at the games. She broke it off, I get it. I don't want to chase her. But I can’t bring myself to nor do I have the heart to dispose of any of her things right now, and I don't want to see it and stare at it for the next however many months thereby prolonging my own healing process. But that aside, I still don't understand what the ball is you're referring to. Edit: Nevermind, I think I get it. I assume that I'm the ball and your saying just box her junk up, bury it in the back of the closet while going NC, and wait for her to come back? Edited June 1, 2017 by Jmeti000
mightycpa Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 What I meant was that you seem to be falling into the practice of trying to generate interest for your ex, instead of allowing her to express her own sense of interst. You want to do something, whatever it is doesn't really matter, but to do something that will change her heart. Even if you succeed, your success will be temporary. You're trying to put the ball in her court, bait her to see you as momentarily different, so that she'll make the next move. That's a game; a fool's game. Far better for her to express an interest in you of her own volition, without you even trying. That way, you'll know it's real. That's what I meant.
preraph Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 @ Preraph: Sooooo I'm confused...you said earlier it was good that I told her I understand. But if she blocked me because she thought for whatever reason I was going to blow up on her then she wont ever see or know that I sent that text saying I understand, thus she may not know the door is open. Knowing that doesnt it make sense that if I dont hear from her im a couple weeks to send her things back with a nice short letter or note saying just that so she does know and that it dod all mean something to me? Im not talking about berateing and constantly contacting her, just a one and done thing and the balls back in her court. Well, I see what you mean because it was a nice text from you, but jeez, if she just doesn't want to hear it, I don't know what else you can do. Maybe she will contact you again. Maybe she was just chicken about breaking up with someone and doesn't want to deal with it at all. I would think she'd at least have been curious to read the text even if she didn't want to reply. Why don't you wait just a couple more days at least and see if she misses her things.
preraph Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 By the way, her communication skills were crap to just drop the bomb like that.
Author Jmeti000 Posted June 2, 2017 Author Posted June 2, 2017 So after a few drinks I think I've finally figured it out. I won't lie, I do still hope to hear from her. Right now I can't say if its because I want to get back together, but more than anything I'd really just like to hear her apologize for manner in which she treated me and how she ended things. Probably never get it, but whatever. Anyways, I've thought about what you all said and came to the conclusion that its probably best just to box her stuff up, put in a the darkest dustiest corner of my garage, leave her be, and go NC. If she got my texts great, but if not then I guess in the end it probably doesn't really matter since how she ended it makes me questions if she ever had any real feelings, or if it was all just smoke and mirrors. Anyways, Im going to go pass out now...Have a good night ya'll and thanks for the perspectives, advice, and kind words. 1
Maldives Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 So after a few drinks I think I've finally figured it out. I won't lie, I do still hope to hear from her. Right now I can't say if its because I want to get back together, but more than anything I'd really just like to hear her apologize for manner in which she treated me and how she ended things. Probably never get it, but whatever. Anyways, I've thought about what you all said and came to the conclusion that its probably best just to box her stuff up, put in a the darkest dustiest corner of my garage, leave her be, and go NC. If she got my texts great, but if not then I guess in the end it probably doesn't really matter since how she ended it makes me questions if she ever had any real feelings, or if it was all just smoke and mirrors. Anyways, Im going to go pass out now...Have a good night ya'll and thanks for the perspectives, advice, and kind words. Dude i think wat ur thinking about is to leave the door open wen u already have text or no text u didn't want it to end it's her she knows that it's up to her and by u doing nothing does not tell her u dont wan tg her in fact it does the opposite. It' shows ur a guy who is strong and can stand on his own two feet regardless ur hurting I know but trust me on tg his wen I say she knows the door is open wether u communicate or not u haven't left anything unsaid even though u feel that u have. Does that make sense? No amointment of words or how u feel changes anything and of it did its temporary. Let her find her way back to u and I feel she will just remember my own story about them going hot and cold don't make it took easy for her to come back to u like i did wth my ex wife that she believes she can take u back at any moment as she pleases. U want garauntees proof but to be honest once it's like this where ur hurt it's all unresolved ad fights can ensue jealousy all those lovely poisonous emotions haha. I would say if u broke up and there wasn't much hurt on ur end there may be a better chance u know like wen u break up and tg here's that back and forthe going on. Keep us posted. Having said all that it's neither here nor there about taking her back its ur individual decision wthat each decision coms some form of consequence good or bad. My experience is my experience doesn't necessarily mean it will be ures I hop3 I made some sense and for u not to feel toof torn about wat else u shld have or shldnt have said
Author Jmeti000 Posted June 2, 2017 Author Posted June 2, 2017 @ Goodguy05: It makes perfect sense. I boxed up everything of hers, including all the little gifts and notes she would leave and put on a shelf in my garage. I also unshared my calendar too...think thats pretty much about everything. I'll keep you all posted if I here something... well lets be honest, I'm probably going to need to at least use this as a way to vent at times so you'll hear something from me either way. Thanks again for everyone's thoughts and perspectives, once again they are all greatly appreciated. 2
preraph Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 Now take yourself out and go do something you love to do and don't just hole up. Treat yourself to something fun to get your head back in a happy place.
Author Jmeti000 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 Well, didn't take long for me to come back here lol. I'm actually spending time with family this weekend trying ti keep my mind off things, buuuuuut sometimes its better thsn others. I think I'm starting to get a little upset with her the more I think about it. So, I feel like she basically lied to me in the begining about the length of time she was single to get me to open up to her so she could use me as her rebound. Am I right? And If so why would you mislead anyone like that? If I would have known she was THAT fresh out of something I NEVER would have opened myself up like I did despite her constant asking and would have approached things VERY different. I was thinking before maybe in thr end I at least meant SOMETHING to her, but now maybe not so much and she just wanted a person, any person, to use and discard and didn't ever (nor does she) care about my feelings Sorry, obviously I'm still processing.
Marc878 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 This is why you stay away from rebounds. You are putting way to much time and effort into trying to figure this out. The way she dumped you means you didn't matter much to her. I suspect she was using you to make her X jealous. You were played. Take her box of crap and leave it on her porch or just put it in the dumpster. Wake up to where you are.
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