EX Boyfriend ruining my relationship with my girlfriend

[jasong]

Hello all. I have been dating my girlfriend now for 10 months. Her father passed away 3 years ago and has difficulty coping with major losses. A year ago her ex broke up with her. He is in the Army. The reason for it was he did not want to give her a roller coaster ride. What I mean is, He would be home for a bit and leave again.

 

My mom works at a grocery store. I would go in and pick up a few things for her. I seen Jen for the first time and thought to myself "I'm going to ask her out". So I talked with my mom to see if she was available. She said yes, but her boyfriend just broke up with her. So iasked her out, just to get her mind off of what had happened to her. Ever since then, we have spent everyday together. They would casually e-mail one another to see how each other was doing. When I found out that this was going on, I wasn't to thrilled, but who was I to say she couldn't talk to him. I asked her, why are you still talking to him. She said that they agreed to be friends. I said fine if that's what's really going on. And it was. We had the perfect relationship. Never fought one time. She told me that he was totally out of the picture. We talked about getting married and buying a house together. We both have really good jobs.

 

Last week she called me while I was attending a night class, now keep in mind, she still lives at home with her mom. She had went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things. She calls me and says that "Mr. Ex" wants to come over to pick up a few of his things before he leaves for deployment or whatever. I told her to put everything in the garage so he could leave right after that. So istopped by after school to see if he got his belongings. She said yes, and we talked for a few hours. I was PISSED at this point, but kept a level head. I asked what they talked about. She told him how happy that she was with me and that the idea of getting married was up in the air. He just shook his head. Then later they confessed to one another that they still love one another.

 

I think the reason he told her he still loves her is because he is jealous that she is moving on without him. And now all of a sudden, she needs closure from him, before we can move on in our lives.

 

Any thoughts?!?!?!?!

[upsetnhurt]

Her ex is not ruining anything at all......it is her unresolved issues with the past relationship that will cause the damage between yourselves. Don't kid yourself.....if she wants to move forward with you she will in fact do so. Unfortunately telling someone she loves them still is a bit of a downer here. Be direct with her and tell her how you feel about her. Give her space and if it is meant to be it will be. Check out my threads cause I went through lots worse and only learned my lessons after getting my heart broken twice by the same girl. Good luck.

[westernxer]

She's not over him, so do her a favor and let her go. You'll also be doing yourself a favor in the long run, because she doesn't love you the way she loves him, and it's gonna bite you in the ass if it hasn't already.

 

 

[SoftDrink]

to the original poster, get out now. you're not going to get anywhere with her.

 

this guy will be "coming and going." guess who he is going to want to see when is "coming"? you'll be put aside again, and it will continue like that until it ends, which it may not.

[NYCmitch25]

I can relate to this completely, my wife was in the military and she ended a 1yr relationship that was quite doing well I guess because she lived in NY and he lived in TX. However in my case she didn't say she still had feelings for him but it was pretty obvious that she did. I stated to her several times that she should talk to this guy and resolve things but she choose not to -- furthermore she told me that she didn't want to talk to him. Sadly, once I was setting up her AOL (because I'm the household computer Guru), and I saw his name in the inbox, I read it and it was apparent that she only wanted me to think she wasn't talking to him because the dialog was pretty far along. I was SO furious that to this day I'm not sure why I didn't leave her on the spot (we weren't engaged at the time). I think now she secretly emails him occationally because they are still friends -- I guess I'm learning to trust her (and it's paying off) but it's taking a lot of work on my part to do so. I guess I have a bit of a quandry myself. Any advice?. .lol

 

Anyway, everyone on this thread is right, you've asked her out when she was vunerable which may have worked for you at the time but now she has unresolved issues partly because she was "rejected" by this other guy (we all want to overcome rejection) and among other things including never doing the things to get him out of her life. I guess I would explain to her that perhaps she is still interested in this guy because she never gave it the proper time to get over him (which is true) and that YOU didn't give her the proper time to get over him (which is also true). Also explain to her that possibly she felt rejected by the breakup and is now seeking to feel acceptance from him? Maybe she is someone who may have tendencies of abandonment issues or fear of rejection ( I guess I can't get into that) but it's clear that everyone's comments on what to do are pretty good.

[jasong]

Thanks for the advice mitch. All she wants to know is if she has another chance with him, or if things could work out. All he tells her is that "only time will tell" and quite honestly is getting on both of our nerves because he is not giving her a solid answer. I told her that we would limit to seeing each other to at least one to two days a week. THAT'S IT!

 

I kind of said the wrong thing to her as well last night. I told her the other night that she was lower than dirt. So I was picking up a few of my things last night and she came down the stairs and it felt like everything was back to normal, but not quite. We laughed and enjoyed each others company again, but it just felt like he was standing right between us.

 

She does have abandonment issues. She had a rough time with her father's death and just played it off like nothing happened. She was so concerned with her mothers well being instead of thinking about the both of them. So when he dumped her, she just didn't want to lose somebody else that was close to her. That's why they remained friends and that she can not think about that in fact he broke it off.

 

Her mom told me that he is a heavy drinker now. She tried sitting down with her and explain that, if she does take him back, that the drinking and the problems just don't stay in Iraq, or Korea, that they come home with him as well. And does she really want to put up with someone that you knew, that is a different person now, when he comes home. She told her that I was a great guy and that she shouldn't let a good thing pass by when I will always be here for her opposed to him.

 

I don't know, I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to leave her now. That's why I put a limit on how long we should see each other. I am not getting my hopes up one bit. But I feel if i don't come around too often and do not contact her as much, then she will realize that I am right here and she can't even see me. I'm trying to test her a little bit. I'm not going to fight over her, but I do not want to ruin any possible chances that I might have if he doesn't accept her back. I don't want to lose something I have grown quite fond of. I want to make out on top of this little speed bump.