planb1973 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I've definitely put my time into this woman! We met last summer through a dating site, I liked her right away so we keep going on dates. Every single date I have tried kissing her but only get the cheek. So I gave up perusing her romantically, but keep going out on "dates". She even posts about it on FB, but never is flirty with me, seems highly guarded around me, and her body language says don't touch me. What ever, I still have a blast hanging out with her and am somewhat intrigued buy the fact that she seems to like me but won't make any sort of move. So there we are last weekend, we had been spending a bit more time together lately, have plans for future events throughout the summer, and are currently on a day trip to the mountains. I was joking with her about how her FB posts about our "dates" are making some women jealous and we start talking in more depth about our dating lives past and present. At one point I bring up "us" mention we have been going out on "dates" for a long... she interrupts me finishing my sentence with "yes like 30 dates" and I ask why we have never even made out. She asks why haven't I made a move yet. Puzzled, I remind her that I have tried kissing her every single time but she only turns and gives me the cheek, that when I touch her she freezes and basically has a bullet proof shield around her. I go on to tell her I have been into her since the first date. She gets all excited telling me how much likes me, has been wanting to jump me since day one, that I am super handsome and very much a mans man, and she is totally into me... Here is where it gets even stranger. Hearing this I go right in for a kiss. And just get the cheek! WOW! At this point I have to get home to get my son so we start the hour long drive home. Waiting for the check she is apparently flustered and says next time we hang out we just need to get naked and do it. You would think at this point we wouldn't be able to keep our hands off each other and would probably be having sex in the car on the way home, which we don't. But we, mainly her, talk the whole way back about how great this thing between us could be. This for me is awesome! To end this story I get her back to her place, I am late to get my son mind you, I lean in for a passionate make out session and get my first, from her, peck on the lips. I am bewildered to say the least. She parts saying "Next weekend we are doing this!" and skips into her house. I mean really! 30 dates, we are scheduled to have sex next week and she still won't make out!!!!!!! This might be, at 40 years old, the strangest dating experience ever.
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I don't think there is any reason to have date 31. 14
Simple Logic Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 At this point I would have to wonder if you have a date for sex without any foreplay.
salparadise Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I don't think there is any reason to have date 31. Are you kidding? He has the better part of a year and 30 dates invested, she finally says she into him, and she has already announced that next time they're going to get naked... and you're telling him to quit now? What are you smokin? OP, what you need to do now is take control, gently, confidently. Next time you're ready to kiss her, cup your hands around her neck and head, pull her close, and kiss her like you mean it! Long and slow and passionate. Hopefully she won't faint and clothes will be on the floor shortly thereafter. She's ready mentally and emotionally, but there is some kind of self-conscious, autonomic resistance. You have to help her overcome it. Up until now you assumed that she didn't want to kiss... now you know differently. Take the lead and go a little bit slow so as not to overwhelm her. I bet she'll melt and let you take the lead from there. Let us know how it goes! 3
thefooloftheyear Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Odd....especially from a 40 year old... I'd be concerned about two things... -She really isn't that into you..but likes the attention..so she plays along...Lots of women do this to guys...at least the one's who tolerate it.. -She has some kind of hangup... FYI I have a buddy of mine that has been chasing this woman for over 4 years...He's in his 50's...She constantly plays a cat and mouse game with him, and has even given him some sex(maybe like 5 or 6 times in 4 years!)..I only think she does it to keep him from walking completely...Ive told him repeatedly to ditch her, but he can't see it.. Ironically...she only kisses him on the cheek... TFY 5
Ieris Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 @planb1973 ~ People can say whatever they want but if it is not backed up with actions, it means nothing. Some people are all talk and no action, will say what you want to hear just to string you along. I hope I am wrong but just see if it happens on the weekend but don't get your hopes up as you're not even allowed to kiss and touch so sex seems a bit far stretched. I know you're not after sex and you have been respectful with her boundaries but if things don't change then you should think about whether you can be with someone you can't be affectionate with. 4
salparadise Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 -She really isn't that into you..but likes the attention..so she plays along...Lots of women do this to guys...at least the one's who tolerate it.. -She has some kind of hangup... FYI I have a buddy of mine that has been chasing this woman for over 4 years...He's in his 50's...She constantly plays a cat and mouse game with him, and has even given him some sex(maybe like 5 or 6 times in 4 years!)..I only think she does it to keep him from walking completely...Ive told him repeatedly to ditch her, but he can't see it.. Ironically...she only kisses him on the cheek... Or she could turn into a raging sex goddess once that door is opened. Who knows. I do agree that it's unusual for a 40 year old, but I wouldn't conclude that this can't turn into something wonderful given their recent conversation. If that turns out not to be the case then yea, move on rather than staying stuck in an asexual thing. 2
smackie9 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Is she still a virgin? I don't know what she told you about her past but she's sure as hell trying to muster up to do something she has never done before. To me that would explain everything. being a virgin at this age might seem odd, but we do have them come here for advice...they are out there. Anyone who is still a virgin late in the game usually suffers from anxiety so bad, as the years go on it just gets worse holding them back even more. The biggest question that comes up is "What would you think if your date admitted they were still a virgin?" over and over this comes up. So if I were you, to make this happen is to try and have a gentle conversation about it, and insist on the truth as to why this is such a struggle for her. 3
Fresnite Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Wait, scheduled for sex? TF I'm 19 yeah, is that a thing old people do now? Schedule date 31 as the sex date? Lolol But even at my age i had a girlfriend who didn't kiss and we never had a kiss, but we had sex, lots and lots of sex. ...
central Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I'd start dating other women ASAP. This woman sounds like good friend material, but seems to have some serious issues when it comes to romantic relationships. Life is too short to deal with dysfunction when you have a choice not to do so. Don't waste more time on her. 3
TaxMan Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I can somewhat relate to this. I have been seeing this woman for about 4 months, have seen her probably 15-16 times in that span but we have not yet had sex. At first, the issue was with me. For the first month or two, I was reluctant to get too serious because I was just out of a relationship and didn't want it to become a one-night stand. Then, once I became comfortable, I started making moves. We fooled around a bunch (lots of heavy touching and some kissing). But then every time I tried to take it further, she was the one who would put the skids on it. But still she kept seeing me, always was excited and we made plans for future dates and road trips, etc. She has started making sexual references and alluding to the fact that it is going to happen at some point (which is why I have stuck with it, in addition to the fact that I really, really like her) but I can totally relate to wondering WTF after so much time and so many dates. In my case, I know she has some trauma in her past (though I also know she is not a virgin) and hasn't had too many partners, so she is inexperienced sexually even though we are both around 40. She's a bit under 40, I'm a bit over 40. I'd say she wouldn't keep hanging around and wouldn't have reacted as she did if she wasn't interested on some level. My advice is the next time you're together, just go for it and get it over with. And make it good, because dude, after all this time if it's disappointing then I think you're both going to be a little crushed. No pressure. (This is what I keep telling myself too.) :)
preraph Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Well, she's an odd duck, so don't be surprised if this runs deeper than just odd about sex. The not expressing herself is certainly a deficit. Do you know if she has a normal IQ or could truly have a deficit of some kind? Anyway, Numero Uno, visibly eat a couple of breath mints before you go in for the kiss next time just in case. 6
central Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 She has started making sexual references and alluding to the fact that it is going to happen at some point (which is why I have stuck with it, in addition to the fact that I really, really like her) but I can totally relate to wondering WTF after so much time and so many dates. My concern in your case is that even once it does become sexual between you, the frequency will always be a problem because she has some issues that may continue to affect her attitude towards sex. As much as you like her, will you still like her if the relationship becomes sexual but technically sexless? Unless your libido is quite low, you may be seriously disappointed. 1
TheAntiHero Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 30 dates? It's 3 or GTFO. If they were attracted to you, intimacy would happen sooner than later; this girl is just using you for your resources. 6
TaxMan Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 My concern in your case is that even once it does become sexual between you, the frequency will always be a problem because she has some issues that may continue to affect her attitude towards sex. As much as you like her, will you still like her if the relationship becomes sexual but technically sexless? Unless your libido is quite low, you may be seriously disappointed. I think this is a legitimate concern both in my case and in the OP's, frankly. I definitely would not opt for a sexless relationship. But I'd rather have a semi-regular sex life with someone I love deeply than have sex every single day with someone who doesn't move me in other areas of my life, if that makes sense. Ideally, it would be both, but I think that's also not always possible. I have been in situations like this in the past where there's sort of a log jam at the beginning that, once the initial apprehension is past, things kind of revert to normal. That may not always be the case, but it's not out of the question. 1
SoThatHappened Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I'd start dating other women ASAP. This woman sounds like good friend material, but seems to have some serious issues when it comes to romantic relationships. Life is too short to deal with dysfunction when you have a choice not to do so. Don't waste more time on her. This ^^^ OP, I can relate to your "predicament" so well. Started pursuing a woman in December of 2015, and finally called it quits in January 2017. Yep, 13 months of a weird "friend zone" where I would kiss her on the cheek after probably 30 or so dates. She had some deep-seeded issues that eventually would come out, but I honestly just got tired of having no intimacy. As soon as I found someone to date (who I'm still dating after 4 months), the "friend-zone" girl won't let me go. Still wants to text and hang out. My advice after going through something very similar: just give up on the hope for intimacy, even if she's alluding to possibly having sex on date 31... who does that, anyway? You'd be in for a life of everything on her terms, her issues over-ruling yours, and probably withholding intimacy whenever she wants since she doesn't seem to value it. I personally would cut bait, but there's a chance you could have a FWB relationship with her... doubtful, but possible. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 If it's clear that we've hit it off and we are flirty/touchy, no way would I wait beyond 2-3 dates for a kiss and 5-6 dates for sex. Too old for that. I am not joking when I ask this, but do you know for a fact that she is a SHE? I'm sorry, but such a situation would have me wondering a few things outside of the box. 5
angel.eyes Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 When actions and words are at odds, focus on actions. Unfortunately, you're stringing yourself along because she says what you want to hear. She enjoys the time she spends with you. She obviously likes your company, but I don't think she's interested in progressing things beyond friendship. The only reason you got a peck on the lips (after almost a year of dating) is because you had just called her out on her behavior. Otherwise, it would have been turning her cheek yet again when you tried to kiss her. Think about it. She doesn't even flirt with you! Her guard goes up whenever you try to get near her. That's pretty telling. It's at complete odds with her claim that she's so hot for you she can barely wait to sleep with you. Someone who is about to bed you isn't going to hop out of reach immediately after giving you a quick peck on the lips and disappear into the safety of her house before you can even get an actual goodbye kiss. Those are just words to keep you hooked and hopeful that things will progress. She likes what you currently have together, but that's it. There are many reasons why she may not be interested in more than fun platonic outings and bragging on Facebook. But bottom line is you're wasting your time if you expect this to move beyond that. Out of curiosity, why did you wait almost a year to bring up her avoiding kissing?
SwordofFlame Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 How old is she? How experienced is she? Is she a virgin?
Chilli Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) Yeah , scheduled for sex bloody hell, wth is that an appointment at the bank. you guys gotten loosen the hell up l know that much. Anyway l go with the unusual,like she's a he , or a virgin or maybe 20yrs outa practice and really really nervous, maybe she's only been with one guy or something. Why don't you stop going on 30 damn dates and just stay home, listen to music , curl up in front of the fire together, better yet jump into bed. l dunno but girls, would she even say stuff like that if she wasn't into him ? Couldn't see it. To me it sounds like she's been raring to go for a long time but she needs you to make it happen because of whatever her thing is that's going on. But l wouldn't be surprised if once you guys find your groove you have yourself one wild little women on your hands haha, l'd persist if your really into her. forget the kissing stuff for now, just kiss her neck, shoulders and stuff instead and cuddle in and stuff, feel about , see where the wondering goes. dunno , but you've gotta come back and let us know what happened. Edited May 31, 2017 by Chilli
SevenCity Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I had a sort of similar experience. This girl I was dating was just throwing up drama whenever sex came up. I fooled around with her the first night I met her and got a bj (unfinished) on the 3rd or 4th date. After that we ghosted each other. Fast forward a few months and she texted me again. I took bait and went out with her. Fooling around like crazy but still drama with sex. I ghosted her again. 2 months after that she texts me (recently) and I just flat out ask if she wants sex. She gets coy and gives me a maybe. I've really lost interest at this point though. My advice would be to calmly break up with her and just say you are looking for an adult relationship. No anger, no expression. Just "I like you but do not want to have a platonic relationship with you and I wish you the best". If she likes you she will freak and give it up. If not, you just saved yourself 30 more dates.
coolheadal Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I've definitely put my time into this woman! We met last summer through a dating site, I liked her right away so we keep going on dates. Every single date I have tried kissing her but only get the cheek. So I gave up perusing her romantically, but keep going out on "dates". She even posts about it on FB, but never is flirty with me, seems highly guarded around me, and her body language says don't touch me. What ever, I still have a blast hanging out with her and am somewhat intrigued buy the fact that she seems to like me but won't make any sort of move. So there we are last weekend, we had been spending a bit more time together lately, have plans for future events throughout the summer, and are currently on a day trip to the mountains. I was joking with her about how her FB posts about our "dates" are making some women jealous and we start talking in more depth about our dating lives past and present. At one point I bring up "us" mention we have been going out on "dates" for a long... she interrupts me finishing my sentence with "yes like 30 dates" and I ask why we have never even made out. She asks why haven't I made a move yet. Puzzled, I remind her that I have tried kissing her every single time but she only turns and gives me the cheek, that when I touch her she freezes and basically has a bullet proof shield around her. I go on to tell her I have been into her since the first date. She gets all excited telling me how much likes me, has been wanting to jump me since day one, that I am super handsome and very much a mans man, and she is totally into me... Here is where it gets even stranger. Hearing this I go right in for a kiss. And just get the cheek! WOW! At this point I have to get home to get my son so we start the hour long drive home. Waiting for the check she is apparently flustered and says next time we hang out we just need to get naked and do it. You would think at this point we wouldn't be able to keep our hands off each other and would probably be having sex in the car on the way home, which we don't. But we, mainly her, talk the whole way back about how great this thing between us could be. This for me is awesome! To end this story I get her back to her place, I am late to get my son mind you, I lean in for a passionate make out session and get my first, from her, peck on the lips. I am bewildered to say the least. She parts saying "Next weekend we are doing this!" and skips into her house. I mean really! 30 dates, we are scheduled to have sex next week and she still won't make out!!!!!!! This might be, at 40 years old, the strangest dating experience ever. Cheek kiss I had this myself on two dates by two different women. Listen, but after 30 dates you have tolerated it that long why not stop at next one but you okay so who's controlling the date she is, not you. I would say no more dates until you find out what's her problem. At this rate you have to get permission to have sex or even get a kiss on the lips. That's not how it suppose to be and your started or already stressed out over this. Yes there are many emotional, mental dysfunctional women out there with some sort of issue in there head not to catch anything by avoiding direct lip contact or she might not be really into you 100% as you think?
Author planb1973 Posted June 1, 2017 Author Posted June 1, 2017 Well I certainly missed a conversation here while I was at work! Lets see if I can clarify some things. First I know its odd to go on so many dates with no action. After about 4 I gave up the romantic pursuit, but since I laugh till I cry when we hang out I kept asking her out when I had no other dates. I have had plenty of action and even a couple short term GFs during this time, so I am in no way holding out for her. She is not a virgin, or a man, that I am sure. From what I know she has had a healthy amount of relationships. She is in her 40s and was married for almost 10 years. I did find out that she had just gone the last 10 months with out sex, she said it was probably because she kept her guard up and scared men away. And reluctantly admitted to having, after a dry spell, hooking up with some guy a couple weeks ago. My gut tells me that she is holding on to some past trauma and is simply scared. It sounds like, minus her ex husband, that she goes for the bad boys, dates down, or goes for a young "boy toy", so she doesn't have to risk being hurt. Through some conversations I feel like I may be the first real catch she has come across in a long time and might just be highly intimidated by something real and good. And frankly what woman would go on so many dates with no action either. Its not for a free meal since we split cost for the most part. I will be going on date 31 for sure. I'm wondering if sex might just be something that allows me to break through her walls. I'm definitely curious. 2
C.JunioR Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 (edited) And reluctantly admitted to having, after a dry spell, hooking up with some guy a couple weeks ago. Hahaha what? She hooked up with someone else a few weeks ago, in the midst of the 30 dates with you, while not even giving you a kiss? Maybe she is a cougar who discovered her fetish after her marriage/divorce. Keeps you around because you are able to fulfill her emotionally and equal her maturity in conversation. But physically only goes for young stud boy toys. Edited June 1, 2017 by C.JunioR Saw that OP is not in an exclusive relationship with her 1
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