jm5423 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 About a year after my divorce I met a girl (August 2016) that I really loved. It was my first relationship since the divorce and things started off fast and within a couple of months we were talking about moving in together in the summer of 2017. We both had 2 kids from previous marriages. She was planning on moving in to my house with her kids. Around January 2017 after I had some time for my logic reasoning to overriding the emotional, I realized the cost and time to finish my house to have enough space for 6 people would be difficult to meet by this summer. On top of that we'd have to buy a new vehicle to haul around 6 people. I told her I wanted to push the move in date back to the following summer to give us more time to adjust to the idea of living together but to also spread out the cost of the up front purchases we needed to make. Moving in has to be the summers not to interrupt her kids schools schedules, since her kids would be transferring schools for this move. She essentially had no savings so most of the cost would have fallen on me. After I mentioned this she was very upset, she told me she thought I was only doing this because I was trying to leave her. I talked with her and assured her that wasn't the case. After about a week she seemed back to normal. She later on told me she would wait for me and that she agreed this was the best decision. I also planned family trips for the summer and other activities that we could do as a blended family to help bridge the gap. About 2 - 3 months after this she ended the relationship with me. She told me after pushing the moving date back she lost all trust in me and had mentally checked out of the relationship, she told me she figured that moving in would never happen. I was floored and I had no idea that she mentally checked out and was planning on breaking up with me. I asked her if this issue was so detrimental to the relationship then why didn't she tell me. She told me she didn't want to push me on the issue because she was afraid it would never happen then. She told me because I moved the date back that I wasn't ready for the relationship. I just thought this was absurd, because I thought I was doing what was best for both families. Anyway after she broke up with me I tried to get her back and said that I would hire someone to get the house done. I really loved this girl and was trying to do what I could to save the relationship. Even though the cost to do all this was a lot and would have fallen primarily on me, it was more important for me to save the relationship. I feel blown away, if I had known this was impacting her so badly I would have tried to do something but she broke up with me before I even had the chance. Was she being unreasonable or am I to blame for pushing back the move in date? I tried hard to make it right but she just tells me she can't trust me anymore.
Bastile Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I don't think that you can trust her, to be honest. She breaks up with you, because she can't live in your house with her kids at your expense? Come on now. Don't fall for the emotional games and manipulation. If she wanted to be with you sufficiently, she wouldn't make such a big deal out of this. Unbelievable that you are questioning yourself in this way. That's the effect of someone messing with your head. Chin up. 1
basil67 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 While I see the logic in your decision, I think it was wrong to make a decision which would alter both your plans on your own. Had you presented your concerns about timing and cost to her and made the decision together, I wonder if the outcome would have been different. 1
PegNosePete Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 It doesn't matter whether she's being unreasonable or not. It's her decision, and it seems she has made it. There's nothing you can do now except accept it. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 You could have handled it better / less unilaterally but IMO you were both moving too fast anyway. For her to say that she needed to have your families blended within less than one year of you two having met was too fast. IMO a couple needs to have been together for at least 1 whole year before they even start to talk about moving in. With kids that time increases not decreases. Given her financial situation, I can't help but wonder of she was looking at you as a meal ticket not just a BF. I think you dodged a bullet. 3
spiderowl Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) I can sort of understand her losing trust if you said she could move in and then you push the date back. I can understand that would come across as a slight and as doubt. However, I think it's totally unreasonable of her to expect to move in with you in such a short time. You barely know each other. I would think even a year would be too soon, but that's just me. Others are more impulsive perhaps. I do not think it is fair of her to expect so much so fast. It sounds like she will not get back together with you but quite honestly this sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. What would have happened if she had moved in with you, you started to hate each other, you had spent money making the change and then she could probably not afford to move out either. I think you did the right thing. Maybe in future it would be better to exercise more caution and to take more time to get to know a person before going along with what they want. All you did was to slow things down. She took it as you opting out. She obviously wants someone more easily manipulated. Edited May 31, 2017 by spiderowl
Author jm5423 Posted May 31, 2017 Author Posted May 31, 2017 Maybe in future it would be better to exercise more caution and to take more time to get to know a person before going along with what they want. All you did was to slow things down. She took it as you opting out. She obviously wants someone more easily manipulated. I agree with this. It was my first relationship after my divorce. I had all the good feelings of being newly in love and perhaps made promises that were a little too aggressive. I had every intention of honoring them and we discussed marriage as well. I just needed some more time, I didn't want the stress of doing home renovations while moving everyone in at the same time. It's unfortunate because I really wanted the same thing long term that she did too.
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