Els Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I cannot believe the comments basically saying to stick with him because she's not getting better. PA-LEASE. She isn't attracted to him! Would you guys really want to be with someone who is actually trying to focus hard on finding you sexually attractive and barely managing it? I sure wouldn't. I agree with this. Anyone who's trying to convince her to stay with him is doing him a HUGE disservice. Nobody deserves to be with a person who's trying to "convince themselves to stay with you". Really, though, if at 40 years of age every single guy the OP has found attractive turned out to be a dickhead who treated her badly... there's only one common denominator here. Fool me once, shame on you, but what about fool me 5 times, 10 times, 15? (This is not a dig about her being single, lots of great people are single in their 40s for all sorts of reasons, but about her own confession that all the guys she's ever been attracted to have treated her badly) She really needs to take a look at her attraction patterns IMO. But yes, for gawd's sake set this guy free first. 2
No_Go Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I'm just not feeling off-the-charts hot for him...but is that even necessary? Well, consider how long the infatuation stage lasts - if it was necessary our species would have developed differently evolutionary. What is the deal actually? I feel like there is more but you're not defining it (to yourself). Is it how others will perceive you if you are with him? Is it that you are scared of commitment? Is it that he is too attracted to you bordering clingy? Yes there is some sexual chemistry. I have no prob being physical with him. Nothing about it makes me uncomfortable. He's very affectionate too and I like that. If I wasn't attracted at all, none of this would happen. I'm just not feeling off-the-charts hot for him...but is that even necessary? Do we need that to feel fulfilled? If I only stick to guys that make me feel like that, I'd probably be left with nothing. He isn't too clingy but thinks the world of me, says and does very sweet things, he's funny, has a good job, mentally stable, not a drug addict, and enjoys all the same activities as me. I won't let one flaw throw away all that. It's just all been happening so fast and feels too quick to close all doors on all other options. I am hoping that changes eventually. 1
jjgitties Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 ... there's only one common denominator here. ^^ This. I have seen and heard this sob story quite a few times. Women way past their prime, only attracted to a-holes and shunning nice guys but constantly complaining how all their friends managed to find someone nice to marry and they are still single. 1
TheFinalWord Posted June 1, 2017 Posted June 1, 2017 I met a guy recently that is amazing. Treats me great but is not too clingy. We enjoy the same activities, he has a good job, funny, won't let me pay for anything, etc. I enjoy his company alot. And I enjoy being physical with him but, he is really not attractive at all. A few things about him are attractive, but I think his personality helps that. He has all the traits I'd like to find in a better-looking person. And I am 40 years old, being tirelessly dating around with so much disappointment. I don't want to be alone anymore. I have single for years and don't want to spend more years being that way. But I'm not sure if the unattractive thing is something I can get past. I want to give it time, but he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. It will likely hurt his feelings alot if I decide he isn't for me down the road. I always thought the love of your life should be someone you could just stare at for hours. But is that just a fantasy? Even though I like kissing him, and being close to him, I don't exactly feel like I can't wait to get his clothes off. I don't feel like I'm on "cloud 9" as they say. But, we have been very happy spending time together so far. He has already told his family about me, etc. So are you attracted to your partner? How important do you think it is to have? If you aren't attracted, it won't work out in the long run. Sorry, but you're better off getting out now, rather than stringing him along.
Author rainrhonda Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 Just an update. We've a good amount more time together, and really he's growing on me... In the attraction sense but also in a general sense. And it's just kind of happening on it's own...When I saw him again I thought hey, he looks hot today. I didn't expect to feel that way...but I did. We were together up through Sunday night and he had to go home but I didn't really want him to leave...this is huge for me because I tend to like my alone time and space. It's kindof a big deal if I spend 24 hrs with someone and wish they could stay longer....it's just not a feeling I get often. So I'm happy about this. And I love how wonderful he treats me. I'm enjoying it because, in the past with byfriends...always wished he would do this, or do that, but this guy just does all those nice things without me having to say it. And I would normally freak out for a guy to tell his friends/family about me so soon...but it's not really freaking me out this time. It's just sweet. He likes me so much...without being too clingy and without overdoing it. That alone has been really hard to find. And, I'm starting to miss him when he isn't around. I told myself to give things more time and think it was a good idea. Something just told me not to give up and now it seems to be headed the right direction. So I'm going to stay with the flow and hope these feelings continue to grow.... 2
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Of course he's growing on you. Maybe you have broken your own bad patterns & are looking at him with your heart not just your eyes. 3
Author rainrhonda Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 Of course he's growing on you. Maybe you have broken your own bad patterns & are looking at him with your heart not just your eyes. I'd say that's pretty much it. He might not be as good looking as past bf's but it's becoming obvious that everything else about him is the stuff that's mattering more to me. And again, there are certain things I find sexy about him..it isn't like he's painful to look at or something to that extreme. He is more attractive when I look at the big picture and his personality. In the beginning, think I was just too focused on looks alone. 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I'd say that's pretty much it. He might not be as good looking as past bf's but it's becoming obvious that everything else about him is the stuff that's mattering more to me. And again, there are certain things I find sexy about him..it isn't like he's painful to look at or something to that extreme. He is more attractive when I look at the big picture and his personality. In the beginning, think I was just too focused on looks alone. Im happy for you. You basically owned up to the fact that you chose the wrong guys in the past and your trying to focus on what matters in a relationship and make changes. I'm glad you ignored the people that was basically being extremely rude towards you. I wish you the best of luck 1
todreaminblue Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Of course he's growing on you. Maybe you have broken your own bad patterns & are looking at him with your heart not just your eyes. amen sister....deb 1
Author rainrhonda Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 Im happy for you. You basically owned up to the fact that you chose the wrong guys in the past and your trying to focus on what matters in a relationship and make changes. I'm glad you ignored the people that was basically being extremely rude towards you. I wish you the best of luck Well as I mentioned, a few months ago I started taking dates with guys I wouldn't normally go for...simply to change things up and go outside the norm a little. I may not have met this guy if I didn't do that. So here I am in a pretty happy place, just thinking I questioned it because it's different... But in a good way. For everytime I had a bad boyfriend, I knew I deserved better. I just didn't know how to execute that until recently. It used to be I could just look at a guy and fall at first sight, but then he wouldn't be all the things I need a BF to be. After so much disappointment I knew a change had to happen, somewhere. So here I am. It was definitely not love at 1st sight. But I finally learned that's not real life,.not for everyone anyway.
The Urbanyst Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 I'd rather die single than date someone I don't find attractive lol.
Author rainrhonda Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) I'd rather die single than date someone I don't find attractive lol. I used to think the same. But if you look outside your normal window for a minutre, and redefine what you consider "attractive" you'd be amazed at what happens. That's what I am learning here. This is not a guy I would usually call "attractive" based on just looks but his personality and how he treats me puts a whole new spin on that. Probably no way of understanding it unless you are lucky enough to have it happen to you. Edited June 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) I used to think the same. But if you look outside your normal window for a minutre, and redefine what you consider "attractive" you'd be amazed at what happens. That's what I am learning here. This is not a guy I would usually call "attractive" based on just looks but his personality and how he treats me puts a whole new spin on that. Probably no way of understanding it unless you are lucky enough to have it happen to you. This is the wisdom that comes with age. It's called maturity. Best wishes. Edited June 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
htmshsj Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Well as I mentioned, a few months ago I started taking dates with guys I wouldn't normally go for...simply to change things up and go outside the norm a little. I may not have met this guy if I didn't do that. So here I am in a pretty happy place, just thinking I questioned it because it's different... But in a good way. For everytime I had a bad boyfriend, I knew I deserved better. I just didn't know how to execute that until recently. It used to be I could just look at a guy and fall at first sight, but then he wouldn't be all the things I need a BF to be. After so much disappointment I knew a change had to happen, somewhere. So here I am. It was definitely not love at 1st sight. But I finally learned that's not real life,.not for everyone anyway. This is going to end so bad for this poor guy 2
GoodOnPaper Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 This is going to end so bad for this poor guy A distinct possibility. I don't want to dismiss the OP's conviction but how does she handle temptation down the road? From my experience, I feel that in cases of unbalanced attraction or interest, it's always more dangerous for the relationship if it's the woman who is less attracted - for women, opportunities for no-strings sex abound. How do you pass them all up, especially when you feel you're compromising on the physical excitement in your relationship from day one? If a man chooses to enter a relationship when he is less attracted - as in my case - chances are it's because he has difficulty attracting women in the first place, so future opportunities to stray just don't come into play. In my 20+ years of marriage, I haven't been so much as chatted up by another woman - definitely a factor in keeping the relationship stable. I wish the OP luck but hopefully both she and her BF have their eyes open. 1
Author rainrhonda Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 This is going to end so bad for this poor guy I disagree. We already have plans for later in the summer and we are stoked about it. There are tons of things we both like doing and we are excited to do them all together in the future. Right now there is no end in sight. If it does end, no way of knowing how or why that would happen. I could end up as the one with a broken heart, who knows? Far as cheating like someone said, not gonna happen. 1st of all I have never cheated in my life. 2nd of all the bedroom life with this guy is pretty darn good so there is no reason to be looking elsewhere. And I have gone a very, very long time without sex and had no interest in one night stands, so if I'm not having sex for some reason, trust me I don't care to go and just do it with somebody.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) It seems to me like you pulled a 180 in the span of a week because people on this forum were criticizing you. That's not necessary. We're just all idiots on an anonymous forum wasting time during our downtime. What do you care what anybody here thinks about you? It's fine to be unsure. The way you phrased some of your posts wasn't the best, but there's tons of people who are just as picky. You're right. It might work out, it might not. The only advice I would give is to keep your thoughts of his unattractiveness in your back pocket. If you're drunk or something or get into a fight, don't use it as leverage. Don't reveal it. Some people think it's good practice to be completely open and to reveal something like that to your mate, like "I was unattracted to you at first, but then it HAPPENED." As someone that has happened to, I firmly disagree. Edited June 7, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember
Author rainrhonda Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 It seems to me like you pulled a 180 in the span of a week because people on this forum were criticizing you. That's not necessary. We're just all idiots on an anonymous forum wasting time during our downtime. What do you care what anybody here thinks about you? It's fine to be unsure. The way you phrased some of your posts wasn't the best, but there's tons of people who are just as picky. You're right. It might work out, it might not. The only advice I would give is to keep your thoughts of his unattractiveness in your back pocket. If you're drunk or something or get into a fight, don't use it as leverage. Don't reveal it. Some people think it's good practice to be completely open and to reveal something like that to your mate, like "I was unattracted to you at first, but then it HAPPENED." As someone that has happened to, I firmly disagree. No, I started feeling better about the situation when I spent more time with him. Although it helps to hear other opinions there is nothing anyone said here to make me realize I truly like him. But you're right that nothing is wrong with uncertainty, I am not ashamed of it. And I'm not so immature that I would later use this in a fight or as an insult... Good advice if your in high school though.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 And I'm not so immature that I would later use this in a fight or as an insult... Good advice if your in high school though. That's not what I meant. People have an idea in their head of what their mate brings to the table and what they don't and in fiery/drunk moments, that can come out. Anyway, good luck.
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