Kitchen Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Yeah, I do feel good when with him, he makes me feel good. I feel good alone too, but to feel extra good with another person doesn't come around often. Think I just question my ability to get past this specific flaw. That's good. My post doesn't show it, but I'm actually quite shallow, especially with online dating. If I don't find her cute, I don't give a damn what the description says. I swipe left. There have also been a few I've swiped right with, met in person to find them not nearly as nice as in the picture, and lost all interest from the get go, regardless of her personality. There is so much pressure in the OLD world and that's because attraction to looks is instant, whereas attraction to personality is gradual. You need to win with looks before you can showcase personality. Whereas, like in my case, if you have the option to just be their friend for a while you can choose to ignore looks. But it's impossible to do so OLD because attraction is a must...you're on a date after all!
Author rainrhonda Posted May 31, 2017 Author Posted May 31, 2017 I know plenty of divorced women in their early 40's who do this with men who make a lot of money because they just want to be taken care of by a man again. it never ends well for them. OP, let the guy go. I've experienced dating women who just weren't all that into me in my past and now i just lose all interest because i can sense it. like they are going through the motions when kissing. I do not want or need a man to "take care of me". I make enough $ to support myself and I am a very independent single woman. I have offered to pay on our dates and he made it clear that he doesn't want that, yet appreciates the thought. If money is all I cared about, trust me I wouldn't be dating still. 3
Tressugar Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I was about to marry someone last year who has ALL the traits and characteristics a woman could ever want in a husband, but one small thing...I wasn't physically attracted to him. I tried hard to over look the physical, but just couldn't. At least I tried. I came close to marrying him, but didn't want the bad karma because I knew I wasn't going to be faithful. I rather be single and available to meet someone who at least has 80% and attractive of what I desire in a man than to have the full 100% and not be attracted to him at all. So my journey continues... 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I was about to marry someone last year who has ALL the traits and characteristics a woman could ever want in a husband, but one small thing...I wasn't physically attracted to him. I tried hard to over look the physical, but just couldn't. At least I tried. I came close to marrying him, but didn't want the bad karma because I knew I wasn't going to be faithful. I rather be single and available to meet someone who at least has 80% and attractive of what I desire in a man than to have the full 100% and not be attracted to him at all. So my journey continues... So what you're saying is that a guy thought he was close to marriage with you but you broke it off and told him the reason was because you never thought he was attractive and couldn't deal with it any more? Do you have any idea how depressing that is? If that is the possible end result, then I agree. I say to OP ... end it today.
Tressugar Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I've never told him the reason why. I just told him I can't do it. He's never contacted me again.
Kitchen Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I was about to marry someone last year who has ALL the traits and characteristics a woman could ever want in a husband, but one small thing...I wasn't physically attracted to him. I tried hard to over look the physical, but just couldn't. At least I tried. I came close to marrying him, but didn't want the bad karma because I knew I wasn't going to be faithful. I rather be single and available to meet someone who at least has 80% and attractive of what I desire in a man than to have the full 100% and not be attracted to him at all. So my journey continues... Were you in love with him? From my experience, when you're in love with someone, they look incredibly attractive to you. Or did you just make a count of all the traits you want, and mechanically found that this guy had them, without ever feeling "it"? 4
Tressugar Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 No, I was never in love with him. He was a nice person and my friend's brother. He claimed to love me and was willing to wait for me. I believe you can learn to love a person, but that physical attraction has to be there.
jjgitties Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I always thought the love of your life should be someone you could just stare at for hours. But is that just a fantasy? Hmm.. yes. I think it's a fantasy. You are 40 years old and you haven't figured that out by now? What have you been doing for the past 40 years? The odds of that Disney prince jumping into your life just at the right moment gets slimmer by the day as you get older. In case you forgot, the Disney princesses aren't 40 year olds. They are teenagers. ;-) So are you attracted to your partner? How important do you think it is to have? Sure, I think its important but it's not the be all and end all. There is a lot more that goes on and goes into a relationship than sexual attraction. I woman would have to be very very hideous and unattractive for me to not be able to find something beautiful about her.
Author rainrhonda Posted May 31, 2017 Author Posted May 31, 2017 Hmm.. yes. I think it's a fantasy. You are 40 years old and you haven't figured that out by now? What have you been doing for the past 40 years? The odds of that Disney prince jumping into your life just at the right moment gets slimmer by the day as you get older. In case you forgot, the Disney princesses aren't 40 year olds. They are teenagers. ;-) Sure, are you serious? Do you just think everyone figures it out and meets thier Prince Charming by age 30? Wrong. Let's see, for the last 40 yrs I have had guys say they love me, want to marry me then dump me out of the blue. I have been madly in love only to find out he's a cheater. I have been physically and verbally abused in past relationships. So yeah, that's where I've been the last 40 years so I of course I have questions. After all that I likely don't have a clue what real love is and it's not a fun place to be at this age. I'm not lucky like all my friends who mey and married by high school/college. 1
Maggie4 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 You know, a lot of abusers and cheaters have charm, how else can they get victims? This charm, is not that they are so attractive by objective standards, they just need you to believe, then they are attractive. Also some men take better care of themselves. This guy's lazy eye can maybe be fixed by surgery. If he did that, would he then go for a younger woman? Who knows? It's all kind of stupid anyway. I think if you don't know, then it's not right for you. 1
Poutrew Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 So, lazy eye is enough to reject him over? Then do him a favor and walk away. Find young studs to have meaningless ex with and have at it... being in your 40's, you can have some fun for the next 3 decades or so before you buy the farm... and don't use excuses such as you don't want to die alone as a reason to force yourself to be with someone. In a real sense, we ALL are born alone, and we die alone. It doesn't matter how many people are around your death bed... whether a dozen grieving family members, or a nurse taking your pulse to write out your time of death on a chart, both birth and death are personal experiences and you don't get to share them with anybody, even your mom or husband - because its you personally who are being born or dying. Get it? Let this guy find someone who can actually love him for the time he has left on this planet - all you can offer him is a mirage. You'll both be happier... 6
telemakus Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Reconcile yourself to being alone. The hot guys who treated you like crap aren't suddenly going to become knights in shining armour now you've turned 40. That stuff is only gonna get worse. 1
1fish2fish Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 When I was 40, I married a wonderful man (1st and only marriage) who is kindhearted, intelligent, and loved me completely. I wasn't very attracted to him physically, and it affected our sex life and passion. Fast forward 10 years later and we just divorced. The last 3 years together we lived like brother/sister in a sexless marriage. It wasn't enough for me. We're still best friends and have the greatest respect for each other, but physical attraction and chemistry are important.
Els Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Let this guy go. It's not fair to him to string him along when you're not actually interested in him. Would you want a guy to do that to you? After that, you should probably step back and reevaluate your attraction patterns. If you are ONLY attracted to men who are bad for you, that's obviously a problem and one that you'll need to do some soul-searching about. 1
Tribble Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 It's such a shame when this happens. There are a couple of potential things going on here, I think. 1) Looks are important to you and he just doesn't reach the requirement. You don't want to end up alone so are considering settling with this guy. 2) What you're really feeling is a lack of spark, chemistry, compatibility, whatever. I was considered 'out of the league' of my ex. Apparently I am more objectively attractive, by some way. I didn't, and still don't see it. I loved him with everything I had and wouldn't have changed anything about him physically for me. He wanted to lose weight and I wanted him to as well but only because it was making him unhappy. Funnily enough, this relationship ended because he thought I was too good for him. Completely devastating and I couldn't understand it. 3) You're looking for an excuse. You like this guy, he makes you feel great but your past experience has made you a little gun shy. Maybe he isn't the one to go all in with because he isn't physically your type. If, when you think about it, the answer is 1. or 2., I would advise you end it. You've already been dating, having sex and a great time. If that....something we all look for in a romantic partner isn't developing now, it won't develop ever. It's not fair to string him along and he will notice something is missing on your end eventually and that is never nice. If its door number 3, you may stand a chance but you will need to put some work in on your end. Good luck! 2
Author rainrhonda Posted May 31, 2017 Author Posted May 31, 2017 Reconcile yourself to being alone. The hot guys who treated you like crap aren't suddenly going to become knights in shining armour now you've turned 40. That stuff is only gonna get worse. Yeah, duh....hence why I have lately been dating well below what my usual standards would be.
telemakus Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Yeah, duh....hence why I have lately been dating well below what my usual standards would be. Seems like this guy should be reviewing his own standards. He's the one dating down here. 6
Zahara Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) Yeah, duh....hence why I have lately been dating well below what my usual standards would be. You should let this guy go. Your statement is truly insulting. While he may have great qualities, it is apparent that there's a piece missing and it seems you're settling. In the long run, relationships like those aren't fulfilling. If you have consistently dated toxic men, then it would be in your best interest to focus on why you attract those types of people and work towards creating better and healthier boundaries in your dating/selection process. The solution isn't settling for the nice guy that's below your standards. Edited May 31, 2017 by Zahara 4
CptInsano Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 You should let this guy go. Your statement is truly insulting. Agreed, she should let him go. There is a difference between making a compromise for the sake of being with somebody who makes you feel great overall and the idea of settling for somebody who you think is beneath you. From what I read in this thread it seems more like the latter. 3
Bastile Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Yeah, duh....hence why I have lately been dating well below what my usual standards would be. Imagine if he read this thread. Would you like for him to read what you are saying? Or do you think it might destroy him, and his view of the relationship that you have together? It's not a legit relationship. It's a mirage built on dishonesty. I think you know full well what you are doing. Do the right thing. Life's too short to spend years in something like this. 2
frigginlost Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Yeah, duh....hence why I have lately been dating well below what my usual standards would be. Wow! Let this guy go. If I were him and read the above having believed I found someone who truly loved me, I would be crushed to know I was below her usual standards. That is wicked mean, OP.
No_Go Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I'm one of these - I really don't care about looks and I don't have a physical type - my 'type' is usually the person who I'm dating at the moment. I'm not very visual in general - e.g. I hardly remember the way to a certain place just by the look of the streets, maybe in that light it makes more sense. Sexual chemistry is a whole other thing but at least for me it doesn't correlate much with the looks of the guy. I was sexually attracted to men that are just not good looking but for some reason sex / sexual chemistry was great. I never agree with people (especially women) who say looks do not matter AT ALL - yes I've heard it few times. There has to be some kind of physical connection/attraction/spark whatever you call it. But at the same time we tend to see those we fall in love with in a better light afterwords. Like you said it helps he's a great guy but we're all different. I would completely understand if the physical connection is important to you and is something you might not get over. I think you should make it clear and say that you want to keep seeing him but not entirely sure if it'll be long-term. Not sure about mentioning the attractiveness thing. He could take it the wrong way but at least he could choose if he wants to pursue you without being completely sure if it's gonna work out..
No_Go Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 From what you described the guy is great. You also are saying there is sexual chemistry (you like the kissing etc). I don't see why not continue dating him? You're 40, you have been out and about, you know the Mr Prince on a White Horse exists in fairy tales. Only there. Of course you can settle for being single and hope for future magic prince... I met a guy recently that is amazing. Treats me great but is not too clingy. We enjoy the same activities, he has a good job, funny, won't let me pay for anything, etc. I enjoy his company alot. And I enjoy being physical with him but, he is really not attractive at all. A few things about him are attractive, but I think his personality helps that. He has all the traits I'd like to find in a better-looking person. And I am 40 years old, being tirelessly dating around with so much disappointment. I don't want to be alone anymore. I have single for years and don't want to spend more years being that way. But I'm not sure if the unattractive thing is something I can get past. I want to give it time, but he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. It will likely hurt his feelings alot if I decide he isn't for me down the road. I always thought the love of your life should be someone you could just stare at for hours. But is that just a fantasy? Even though I like kissing him, and being close to him, I don't exactly feel like I can't wait to get his clothes off. I don't feel like I'm on "cloud 9" as they say. But, we have been very happy spending time together so far. He has already told his family about me, etc. So are you attracted to your partner? How important do you think it is to have?
Author rainrhonda Posted May 31, 2017 Author Posted May 31, 2017 Lol...I don't think he is beneath me. What I really mean is this, I have always tended to fall for guys who seemed above average, but then would turn around and treat me like I'm not good enough. So, I have simply trying to date guys who I may not normally go for based on looks. I have been going on dates no matter what they look like because I simply learned everyone deserves a chance, and if I stick to the same old usual desires, I might miss out, and just keep getting treated badly. Lowering standards is the wrong words...it's more like I have just been trying to go out of my comfort zone, think outside the box, try something different. All the "hot" guys make me feel insecure and low self esteem..so they are obviously not right for me. So I figured, I don't have to feel 100% attracted to be happy. 50% could be enough...I don't know. I just know 100% doesn't work for me, and it's unrealistic to require that. So, just meant I need to be more realistic in terms of preferences. I have thought about this and I like him a lot. And maybe I am just looking for things because I'm not ready to throw in the towel and declare myself off the market. He is a little ahead of me in terms of seriousness. But I don't want to stop seeing him, I just don't know if I would fall in love because it's too soon to tell. 2
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