Great guy, unattractive

May 30, 2017

I met a guy recently that is amazing. Treats me great but is not too clingy. We enjoy the same activities, he has a good job, funny, won't let me pay for anything, etc. I enjoy his company alot.

And I enjoy being physical with him but, he is really not attractive at all. A few things about him are attractive, but I think his personality helps that.

He has all the traits I'd like to find in a better-looking person. And I am 40 years old, being tirelessly dating around with so much disappointment. I don't want to be alone anymore. I have single for years and don't want to spend more years being that way.

But I'm not sure if the unattractive thing is something I can get past. I want to give it time, but he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. It will likely hurt his feelings alot if I decide he isn't for me down the road. I always thought the love of your life should be someone you could just stare at for hours. But is that just a fantasy? Even though I like kissing him, and being close to him, I don't exactly feel like I can't wait to get his clothes off. I don't feel like I'm on "cloud 9" as they say. But, we have been very happy spending time together so far. He has already told his family about me, etc.

So are you attracted to your partner? How important do you think it is to have?

May 30, 2017

I married someone who I felt this way about. We were together for 18 years. Biggest mistake of my life. If I had it to do over...

And I should say he was much more attractive when we were young. But even so, I never swooned over him. Big mistake. He asked me twice to marry him and the second time I did agree, because we had been together for so long. Life mistake.

Edited May 30, 2017 by greymatter

May 30, 2017

I would say that chemistry is pretty important and more often than not looks are a part of chemistry. The way you referred to yourself as being 40 and having been dating tirelessly hints to me that you are willing to sacrifice chemistry for a sure thing for the sake of not being alone.

I know this because I have felt the exact same thing. It's good that he thinks you are wonderful because truthfully you probably are exceptionally wonderful. Don't settle because you feel like you have to give in due to age. You are still young, there is always time.

You shouldn't have to hope that one day you might feel the spark. Take his treatment as a compliment and kindly let him know that you are not ready to take the next step with him. If that's how you want to go about it.

Best of Luck

May 30, 2017

So are you attracted to your partner? How important do you think it is to have?

Well, you're going to get a variety of answers because everybody is different.

For me, lack of physical attraction is no problem. I'm already attracted to probably 75% of women in my age range, but I did have a couple of dates with women I had minimal attraction to. Asked them both on second dates and not once did I think to consult anybody about it.

My current girlfriend happens to be very beautiful. But it's a luxury, icing on the cake, extra cheese. She can also never hold it against me because I don't care that much. She's definitely got other stuff going on though.

It's your life. You have to make your OWN decisions. But I'll leave you with this...

Life is a series of experiences ... and then it's over. If you enjoy spending time, laughs, food, and drinks with a person, then it should never be wasted time. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but you look back on your time with that person fondly.

May 30, 2017

How attractive are you? And how different are your levels of attraction? Guys settle down with rough equals, when it is all said and done. Eventually, they reject extreme variances in either direction, either because they don't feel they can keep/deserve them, or because they feel they can do better.

I will say this. I've dated some real lookers. I married a pretty nice one too. After a while, you become a little complacent about that. That said, it's really nice to wake up to a pretty face that you never get tired of, even if there are other aspects that you don't like. Add a nice body to that, and it's hard to let go of that, even if you know you should. For me, that's rare. Everybody begins to look a little ordinary after a while. Blondes especially. I'm not sure why.

I think what you might want to judge is whether or not you're repelled by his looks, even in the slightest. If you are, run. This will only get worse, and all of the other stuff, that you should value, will not be valued. At least I can say that about me, without hesitation.

Too bad he's not an Adonis, hunh? If he was, would you have gotten a chance with him?

May 30, 2017

I never agree with people (especially women) who say looks do not matter AT ALL - yes I've heard it few times.

There has to be some kind of physical connection/attraction/spark whatever you call it. But at the same time we tend to see those we fall in love with in a better light afterwords.

Like you said it helps he's a great guy but we're all different. I would completely understand if the physical connection is important to you and is something you might not get over.

I think you should make it clear and say that you want to keep seeing him but not entirely sure if it'll be long-term. Not sure about mentioning the attractiveness thing. He could take it the wrong way but at least he could choose if he wants to pursue you without being completely sure if it's gonna work out..

May 30, 2017

Attraction is a matter of perception.

I'm not going to tell you that it's not important to be attracted to your partner, but I will say that attraction is very subjective.

I have been dating a wonderful man is year. He's intelligent, he's kind and thoughtful, he makes me laugh, we have much in common and we have so much fun together...

When we first started dating, I didn't think he was unattractive but I wouldn't have said that I was particularly attracted to him. I used to tell my friends, he's wonderful and I'm very happy, but every now and again I would look at him and think, I'm dating a middle age man and I don't know if I'm really attracted to him. My friends would kindly remind me that I was also middle aged, and that what was most important was if he is a good person and if I felt good when I was with him.

As we spent more time together and things got more physical, my attraction for this man started to grow... because there were so many things that I like and appreciate about him. I now look into his beautiful blue eyes and I have a hard time remembering my initial hesitation.

I don't know that I have helped to answer your question. Just a suggestion to give it some time, and see how the relationship develops. Sometimes, good things come with time...

May 30, 2017

That makes sense. However it's not everything I find unattractive, some things about him are sexy to me, but again that could be due to his personality, I'm not sure.

I have dated gorgeous guys that I felt giddy about, but every one of them ended up treating me bad, and breaking my heart. So I'm concerned if I keep telling myself "don't settle" and keep waiting for "something better", that I will always be alone. I also don't have kids and can't have them, so I don't want to be left all by myself and old just because "he wasn't cute enough"... Ya know?

May 30, 2017

That makes sense. However it's not everything I find unattractive, some things about him are sexy to me, but again that could be due to his personality, I'm not sure.

I have dated gorgeous guys that I felt giddy about, but every one of them ended up treating me bad, and breaking my heart. So I'm concerned if I keep telling myself "don't settle" and keep waiting for "something better", that I will always be alone. I also don't have kids and can't have them, so I don't want to be left all by myself and old just because "he wasn't cute enough"... Ya know?

And, I think that's the wisdom of age. You look at the book, not just the cover. There are so many things that make someone attractive... physical appearance is just one thing to consider.

May 30, 2017

That makes sense. However it's not everything I find unattractive, some things about him are sexy to me, but again that could be due to his personality, I'm not sure.

I have dated gorgeous guys that I felt giddy about, but every one of them ended up treating me bad, and breaking my heart. So I'm concerned if I keep telling myself "don't settle" and keep waiting for "something better", that I will always be alone. I also don't have kids and can't have them, so I don't want to be left all by myself and old just because "he wasn't cute enough"... Ya know?

I do. They call that "settling". Plus, there's always adoption.

May 30, 2017

That makes sense. However it's not everything I find unattractive, some things about him are sexy to me, but again that could be due to his personality, I'm not sure.

I have dated gorgeous guys that I felt giddy about, but every one of them ended up treating me bad, and breaking my heart. So I'm concerned if I keep telling myself "don't settle" and keep waiting for "something better", that I will always be alone. I also don't have kids and can't have them, so I don't want to be left all by myself and old just because "he wasn't cute enough"... Ya know?

If you don't want kids (BOTH of you), then I think the answer becomes a bit easier. Just date him and see which way it goes. If you progressively become unhappier due to his 'unattractiveness', then let him go. But there's no clock to race against.

As far as being 'old and alone' you could have easily have married a hot stud at age 28 and gotten divorced 20 years later. And then you'd be in the same spot.

May 30, 2017

I think attraction is important. I tried dating girls who I thought were "kinda cute," that never worked out in the end. There was always something missing.

Attraction is relative, but you're even saying he's unattractive/ not attractive AT ALL to you. Attraction can sometimes grow over time, but it seems you don't have any to start with

May 30, 2017

The type of relationship you describe sounds like my worst nightmare. My soul would die a slow death.

Besides, nothing guarantees you you won't be alone in old age. I know older women with ex husbands and children that are now dealing with multitude of health problems and old age completely alone. Children have moved away and are almost never in contact, ex husbands have remarried and new familes.

May 30, 2017

I do. They call that "settling". Plus, there's always adoption.

I'm not in a position to adopt , being alone anyway. I don't have that kind of money and live alone plus work 40 hrs a week and I could only afford daycare if I got a 2nd job. So that doesn't like a proper parent to me. With a partner though, more possible.

May 30, 2017

The type of relationship you describe sounds like my worst nightmare. My soul would die a slow death.

LMFAO. You're the best.

May 30, 2017

I always thought the love of your life should be someone you could just stare at for hours. But is that just a fantasy?

I would say fantasy. Romantic twaddle. I'd rather laugh with my partner than stare at them for hours.

I am very attracted to my partner. But it's his personality which I am attracted to. He's never more sexy than when he's clowning around.

Let me ask you this: If a mans looks are important to you, what happens when your guy gets old and loses his looks? What if his face or body was damaged in an accident? Would you stop being attracted to him?

May 30, 2017

Can I ask what specific physical attributes about him that you find to be a turn off?

May 30, 2017

Can I ask what specific physical attributes about him that you find to be a turn off?

Mostly his face, because his eyes are messed up. He was born with it and had surgeries but still has one lazy eye that throws you off when you look at him. Although, you kind of forget about that while talking because he has a great personality. Rest of him is really okay. But there is no looking into his eyes and getting butterflies because it's sordof awkward to look at. I feel shallow saying it, but I guess it bothers me. He is the nicest guy ever though. Again, other things about him are sexy and he still has nice a smile, even.

May 30, 2017

Personally I could not have sex with somebody who I did not find attractive. You already crossed that hurdle. Since you like many things about him, keep looking at him with your heart & hopefully the attraction will grow.

As silly as this sounds watch the episodes of Sex in the City where Charlotte comes to terms with her lack of physical attraction for Harry & finally finds true love & happiness. It's not settling. It's finally growing up enough to learn there are more important things then fleeting looks.

May 30, 2017

staring at your partner for hours to me sounds like a creepy thing to do......i dated a guy when i was younger and i would awake to fidn him staring at me...and i sadi what was i snoring.....and eh said no i just like looking at you you are so beautiful when you sleep...which i snorted at.......opposed to being beautiful and actually awake........

as a younger woman i dated good looking guys and would have to say what they saw in me probably wasnt surface beauty..i had a dancers body yeah....never liked my face.........and now definitely not surface beauty or do i have a dancers body anymore i am left with a dancers heart..and a passion for music and rythymn........and i have inner beauty always have had i know i have that...i dont date guys for their looks....i also look for inner beauty and if it isnt there...no matter how good looking they are...i wont feel them....aesthetics will only go so far...they may be important......to some....but to me ...substance is the heartbeat of my attraction..deb

May 30, 2017

I also struggle to understand how you can have sex with someone you don't find attractive.

Is it possible that you are attracted to him - but that what you mean is that he's not "objectively" attractive in the eyes of others? If the latter: let that one go. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks if you're happy!

May 30, 2017

Date him and see if you remain attracted enough to him to keep wanting to have sex and also to just find out if he's as nice as he seems in this early stage when all men are on their best behavior. Don't pressure yourself to make a commitment or decision. Just take some time to see if it's enough or not. And remember, he may be on his best behavior and that may breakdown over time. You'll have to see how he is once you've been together long enough for him to take you for granted and stop trying as hard and to see what he's like when his or your car breaks down or you or he get sick or life's little crises because they can really give you insight into a person. You may see how bad they can get -- or on the flip side, you may see how great they are under pressure.

Don't get in a hurry. He could get cocky and start treating you bad, you never know. Or he may just get better and better, but usually people's behavior gets lazier and less good over time in dating.

May 30, 2017

My ex gf, the love of my life, was short and overweight. She had polycystic ovarian syndrome so was rather hairy and a deep voice.

Yet, she was beautiful to me. There's a catch though. We were friends for a year first and I fell for her because of her amazing personality. Love kind of came and hit me in the face.

Had I seem her on a dating site or been set up on a blind date, I'd have rejected her.

So - if you truly love your time with him, I bet before you know it, you'll look past his eye thing.

If you let him go, you may really regret it.

May 31, 2017

My ex gf, the love of my life, was short and overweight. She had polycystic ovarian syndrome so was rather hairy and a deep voice.

Yet, she was beautiful to me. There's a catch though. We were friends for a year first and I fell for her because of her amazing personality. Love kind of came and hit me in the face.

Had I seem her on a dating site or been set up on a blind date, I'd have rejected her.

So - if you truly love your time with him, I bet before you know it, you'll look past his eye thing.

If you let him go, you may really regret it.

Yeah, I do feel good when with him, he makes me feel good. I feel good alone too, but to feel extra good with another person doesn't come around often. Think I just question my ability to get past this specific flaw.

May 31, 2017

I also struggle to understand how you can have sex with someone you don't find attractive.

Is it possible that you are attracted to him - but that what you mean is that he's not "objectively" attractive in the eyes of others? If the latter: let that one go. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks if you're happy!

I know plenty of divorced women in their early 40's who do this with men who make a lot of money because they just want to be taken care of by a man again.

it never ends well for them.

OP, let the guy go.

I've experienced dating women who just weren't all that into me in my past and now i just lose all interest because i can sense it.

like they are going through the motions when kissing.

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Great guy, unattractive

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