QueenDeath Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 Hello everyone! my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months soon to be 5 months, anyways. He has a 7 year old son that lives with his ex wife in CT, they both are amazing parents and do well in the coparenting department. However, there's something that I can't get my mind off of, it isn't about meeting his son, well, it is but not the actual meeting him, it's about everything before that and inbetween. He keeps mentioning how he wouldn't mind his son staying over at our place for a few days over the summer, however, I live with him, his son doesn't know I exist, and I'm pretty certain his ex wife doesn't know I live with him as well. So, I don't know if I should take what he says with a grain of salt, but then again, it's his son, would he really be lying or whatever? Obviously all of this is up in the air, but when it comes to his son, my BF is very serious. I honestly don't know how to go about doing everything. I've dated guys before with ex girlfriends, a ex wife is a different story. Also, first time dating a guy with a kid. I know I should probably talk to my boyfriend about it, but I don't want him thinking I'm desperate to meet his kid, it's more so about his ex wife knowing things like does she know that we live together? She knows I exist, but I don't think she knows I live with him. Honestly, I just don't know how to bring this up to him. Like I said, never dated a man with kid(s) before. Also, his ex wife may not know me personally, but definitely doesn't take a liking to me, she has this way of bringing me into conversation. This one time boyfriend and her were talking, he was talking about his birthday and then she's like "oh, why don't you just get your girlfriend to do it for you?!" Because he was looking at pictures of guitars or whatever. Those that dated someone who has kid(s) how did it go for you? Any advice on how to bring this up to him? My friend thinks since it's his kid, I shouldn't bring it up, at the same time I have my concerns so how am I not supposed to bring it up.
hippychick3 Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 I'm surprised you moved in together so quickly. Why is that? I don't think you should bring up meeting his son or whether or not he discloses your living situation to his ex-wife. The relationship is fairly new, and you've already jumped ahead to living together. I think it's too soon for you to meet his son and it's not your place to suggest it. 2
act00 Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 One would assume that children living in another city/state would spend some summer and other school vacation days with the other parent, so this is something you're going to have to deal with. The living situation is strange. You barely know him yet are living together, and his child doesn't even of your existence. Mom may squash him staying at dad's with a stranger living there, plus she doesn't like you (you think). This could ultimately turn into a court situation with custody issues, and that's expensive. I would have major issues sending my 7-year-old to live with his dad for the summer and some girl the ex barely knows. I don't know that I could stop it, but it would be a huge problem for me. You're dating a man with a child and you have to expect being a stepmom, even if only a few weeks out of the year. Did your boyfriend not take the child in the past? That seems strange to me. He certainly didn't think things through as far as dating/moving in with you and blending the child into the mix who doesn't know you exist. I don't think bringing up the child and his visit for an extended period seems desperate. You need to consider the logistics of the living situation. Will the child have his own room? Will he be camping out on the sofa? You will be parenting this child, and his mother needs to know and the child needs to know. That's not eager or desperate to meet him. It's being reasonable. It should be encouraged he spend time with his child when he can, and if you're open to step-mothering, great. If not, then it's time to re-think this relationship. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) my kids when my ex was with his now ex partner......knew of her from the very beginning they had an affair and they were also aware of that...is there any reason why he hasnt told hsi son about you considering you two are living together...livign together implies that you shoudl eb abel to speak abotu such things as kids future or past.....be open and honest with him abotuyour feelings in regards to hsi child.....and to meetign the child......secrets come out and its better to have control of such a situation than not my best suggestion is not to have secrets in the first place....i feel he should be open and honest with the mother of his child.liek th emother of his child should be open and honest with him.....with his child...and with you..promotes honesty and openeness with the child.......co parenting shouldnt be messed with....i dont understand why you are a secret.......deb... Edited May 31, 2017 by todreaminblue
kendahke Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 (edited) Hello everyone! my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months soon to be 5 months, anyways. He has a 7 year old son that lives with his ex wife in CT, they both are amazing parents and do well in the coparenting department. However, there's something that I can't get my mind off of, it isn't about meeting his son, well, it is but not the actual meeting him, it's about everything before that and inbetween. He keeps mentioning how he wouldn't mind his son staying over at our place for a few days over the summer, however, I live with him, his son doesn't know I exist, and I'm pretty certain his ex wife doesn't know I live with him as well. So, I don't know if I should take what he says with a grain of salt, but then again, it's his son, would he really be lying or whatever? Obviously all of this is up in the air, but when it comes to his son, my BF is very serious. I honestly don't know how to go about doing everything. I've dated guys before with ex girlfriends, a ex wife is a different story. Also, first time dating a guy with a kid. I know I should probably talk to my boyfriend about it, but I don't want him thinking I'm desperate to meet his kid, it's more so about his ex wife knowing things like does she know that we live together? She knows I exist, but I don't think she knows I live with him. Honestly, I just don't know how to bring this up to him. Like I said, never dated a man with kid(s) before. Also, his ex wife may not know me personally, but definitely doesn't take a liking to me, she has this way of bringing me into conversation. This one time boyfriend and her were talking, he was talking about his birthday and then she's like "oh, why don't you just get your girlfriend to do it for you?!" Because he was looking at pictures of guitars or whatever. Those that dated someone who has kid(s) how did it go for you? Any advice on how to bring this up to him? My friend thinks since it's his kid, I shouldn't bring it up, at the same time I have my concerns so how am I not supposed to bring it up. I'm dating a man with grown children, so it doesn't quite fit your circumstances, but I was the one who had to slow him down on introducing me to his kids. First, he has to gauge how his children feel about him dating again (he's been divorced for about 6 years, so his kids are pretty much used to him being at their beck and call, as it were). I think a little further into the future would be fine--he first has to tell them about me. I've told my daughter about him and in July, he's scheduled to go with me to my hometown to meet my family. Plans could change on his end, but that's what it is right now. I also think you moved in too soon. Dating him and being exclusive, yeah. Living together? No. I think he needs to be the one to bring up telling his ex because her reaction to that is going to tell you everything. She may cause a stink about him living with someone who isn't married to him (she can do that legally) especially considering you two have only been dating for 4 months and she is right to be concerned with who/what her child is exposed to. Any parent would be right on that tip. I think the time to have discussed this was before you moved in with him. You two needed to have come to a consensus over this then. Edited May 31, 2017 by kendahke
coolheadal Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 I have a lot of experience being uncle and step-father to a few of the women that I've dated with kids. Not easy I can tell you that much. Child has to come first you have to understand this. Your needs out weigh the kids needs are more important that you. That's his son he's going to want the son around him and your going to have to accept that step-mom. If your not ready to wear the step-mom shoes you need to address that with him. quote I prefer a guy with no kids (no offense to the fathers) this way I am able to eliminate the possibilities of drama. But this is not in anyway a deal breaker. There's just something about the idea of having our first together. quote from one of my women friends she said it just right... This makes a lot of sense to me we are without kids you and I (OP) raising someone else kids is going to be hard one.. So you know you can't really say no don't bring him here. Not fair to him. If you do not want to date a guy who as Ex-wife and kids from her. Then that something you have to deal with on your own. We can't say otherwise. Also you moved in knowing he has kids. Can you cope with that? Doesn't seem you can..
mikeylo Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 At 4 to 5 months , you moving in and meeting the child -- put the brakes , like NOW. What's the rush of moving in so quickly ? You both don't know each other well enough.
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