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Posted

I recently been very depress about the current situation and need outsider opinions for support

 

Me and my live in boyfriend both in our middle 30's, and been lived for 3 years already. He has two teenager boys from his previous relationship and now live with their mom.

 

Me currently under lots of emotional and physical stress from losing my baby, as I on my own decided to terminate the pregnancy when the baby is around 14 weeks due to different factors which will disclose later with few of them. Besides the emotional stress of the baby loss, I have been through serious back pain and body pain after the surgery which over my imagination. I was debating to keep the baby because I am tired of relationships and old enough to be excited to be a mom and just want to live with my baby etc

 

He is excited me to be pregnant and support in words either decision I made and always said he love me and want to get married with me but I have no confidence to have joint life with him in a legal term

 

Financially during the whole period, I am the person who pay everything like food gas etc, because he is on and off work whole time. He works in construction field, so all the time, I got him customer, and he will do the job and spends the money for his weed, cigarettes, bars etc. I used to even drive him to the job because he lost his car before he met me.

 

He is hard working if he got a job and will be excited to have a job to work on, but his weed addiction don't keep him in mind all the time and always get to fight with customer and I have to deal with the customer issue after as well, now he has more patience with customer

 

Back to the beginning, I had lots of customer for him, and he wanted to take all in control, because he scared and accused me giving jobs to other worker. Back then, he did not know my family situation, so he thought I am desperate to make any dollar just as him. I got the customer is because I want to help him out, because he is in a very bad stage of life, and I want to encourage him, and help whatever I could, but he took it in the wrong way, and thought I desperate to make money just like him, because he cannot live without weed, and he need to spend like $200 per week on weed to keep going.

 

2 years ago, I did not know the weed addiction, because nobody in my life smoke weed. I drove him to the customer house, on the way back, I kicked him out of my car of nowhere, and he had no money in his pocket, and he had no weed i guess, he walked 2 hours to get back and chocked my neck for minutes, and my face swallow for one month, and my head pain on and off for next whole year. He cried to ask me to forgive him and he said even I call police, he will only be in prison for one month and come out to find me as well. One time when I drove him to customer, he pulled the car wheel and chock my neck while I were driving and I pulled over. Another time he forced me to wait in the car for 6 hours to wait until he finish the job and i can drive him back

 

During the first year together, he said he not be with the baby mom for long time, but for some reason, they are fighting over texts on and off very intensively, which drives his mind insane as well.

 

2nd year of our relationship, he stay in his dad place to have the free weed there and I don't get him any customer for months. Later, when he lived with me again, he is more normal than the previous year, and he never violence me again since then, and I also realize his weed addiction and learned not to push the button when he has no weed as well.

 

It is very hard to work with him, because he want to take in control at the beginning but he is lack of the patience and the communication skills with the customer, so I am squeezed in between the customer and him. Due to his lack of consistent for meeting the deadline etc, I have to clean all the **** from customer while he took the profit.

 

I did all of the nonsense stuff because I want to help his situation, and pity his upbringings. He came from dysfunctional family and he lived in foster family on and off until he met his baby mom when he was 20. Both of his parents never married, never worked and lived on warfare and even now his baby mom lived on warfare to raise the two boys as well, except some years she helped him to get construction job previously to make money, as long as no side jobs, she just called in warfare.

 

His whole welfare family makes me so insecure with the baby from him, and that another reason I don't want the baby. On the other hand, my parents have very good relationships and they working very hard to build their life and paid my whole education through my master degree. Right now, my parents pay my living for food gas etc everything, because my body is in pain and cannot work regular jobs due to the surgery, and I told my parents about my baby before, and my mom is open minded and she respects if I keep the baby or not because I am old to have a baby, so which is a treasure. My parents also offer to help me to take care of the baby and me if I choose to have the baby financially and emotionally. But eventually I just decided to let the baby go because I don't want to bind with him for the next 18 years for the baby, because I felt very depress to live of life out of the control with him because I felt his mind is controlled by weed.

 

I found out the pregnancy when I were pregnant for 2 month when he lived in his dad place and in another city. And I ask him to see me ASAP to discuss with the baby, and he told me no money and no ride at that moment, I even offer to pay for his ride but he just waited days to see me. While his entire mood is about making money etc and he offered to respect whatever I decided to do with the baby. During the pregnancy, I found him a customer and make him $600 and expect him give me some money to buy food but he kept all for himself. I had the money to buy food, but I just want his action to support me emotionally. And one time, during my pregnancy, I cannot get up, and his phone cannot reachable because his phone no signal out of town etc, all of which made me the decision of not keep the baby even I really wanted to but I am fed up with all of those.

 

But during the pregnancy, he cried a lot because he thought I would go to my parents city and I probably will take the baby away and will never go back. I asked him if he cried for losing me or losing the baby. He told me he scared to lose me. He told me he regret all the things he did to me, and I am the best girl he met ever and I did so much that nobody can compares and I deserve to have a happy life.

 

Since the surgery, he was very shocked because he could not believe I killed our baby when the baby did all the tests found out ok and so old already. But I did not tell him before the surgery, as I don't think he deserve to have a opinion on it. And since then, he told me he decided to never fight with me and he changed his entire attitude. I don't know he changed it because he felt guilty for our angel baby loss, or he is scared that I were so cold heart to let baby go, so I can leave him anytime as well.

 

The major position things in the relationship is the good sex and on the same He is very active in this aspect. We used to be very active like couple times a week including the pregnancy time before the surgery. After the surgery only helped him but not really get physical much as I am so scared to get pregnant again plus my body is in pain on and off and not capable to be active like before. Of course there were good moment like in all the relationships.

 

Fast forward now, I was in pain emotionally and physically due to the loss of my baby, and every single day i am guilty and missed my baby, and I doubt if I were over stressed to let the baby go. And I lost interest for lots of things in life, because I felt I lost my baby, a life, what else that matter so much. And physical pain made me so suffer as well, because I felt some pain can even travel to all over my body, and I cannot get up the bed even when I had the periods, because it is just that much physical pain and I don't know when I would fully recover or ever

 

For my boyfriend, he tried to never fight with me, and tried to make up for all the hurt he did to me, and he is so depressed to the point that he lost couple of hundreds to the casino for the past month for couple of time, so I felt he basically lost control, even he told me he want to make money from the casino etc. So basically i got him customer and he make couple of thousands past month which is good month for him and now lost all to casino.

 

And he lost lots of weight due to the stress because he can tell that I am basically done with him, and he will not have much more resource. I stop feel so sorry for his story as his heart is in pain on and off due to previous accident and he came from foster family etc and he used to work long hours to support his family before his heart problem for years and now he cannot work for long hours due to his health. But to me, I felt, my baby is even worse than him because my baby never have the chance to come to this world, and I even fail to protect my baby, how would I care to help him?

 

I felt such a mess and whole situation is a mess, I cannot forgive him for not supportive for the baby thing, but meanwhile I felt connected to him with the baby thing, because I can feel the baby with him, and I feel very empty to leave him due to the loss of the baby.

 

I don't know whats wrong with me? or whats the reason that make me go through all of the mess except helping him out and good sex etc. But in the end feels like always his problem, his worries, this and that. Everyone has their own problem right? He had some bad luck from his life previously, but even during our relationship period, if he did not try to control over me for the customers, and works in a more mature way, he will be in much better situation financially even with the customers I got for him, instead of still broke like now. But even with the whole time broke situation, he spend on average 1k to 2k for weeds, bars, cigarettes every month to keep him peace of mind, because I pay all the living expense, even right now with my parents money, because he cannot function without weed etc

 

Housework wise, I did all the cooking, cleaning everything and he do nothing, lives like a king. of course I stop cooking since surgery. And another conflict is I love talking and rambling and discuss some deep conversation here and there, and he just feels like I am negative or nagging him by just communicating from my perspective, so if he has weed in stock, and he has customer jobs waiting, and i don't talk to much to him, as he just like me to hear he talking to me, even he did not talk much as well, he is happy

 

But I really feel tired, resentment, and lost and appreciates all the opinions and what's wrong with both of us?:mad:

Posted

WOW! You asked what is wrong with both of you. This is an extremely unhealthy, abusive,codependent,enabling relationship. Please get counseling for yourself and thank God you are not married to this man. You cannot "fix" him and he has to help himself. An abuser will always apologize and say they will not do it again, but they do and you are the victim of his anger and need to control. He sounds a bit paranoid as well and I wonder if he is mentally unstable and needs meds. Sex gets in the way of good judgment, but that is no substitute for a healthy relationship. You have value and deserve respect and he is tearing down both making you feel worthless. He has threatened you and that has changed the way you relate to him, like walking on eggshells. I say run the other way and be responsible for yourself. You sound like a caring, loving person who has gotten into a toxic relationship. Learn from your mistake and start over. I am sorry for the pain you have endured and pray for your safety.

Posted

Reread your story objectively....

 

What would you advise this woman to do?

 

I think you need to get away from this man... far far away

 

Love yourself ... you deserve better than this. Get out and stay away from him...

 

 

Sometimes I am amazed how many young women are so insecure and have such a low opinion of themselves that they accept a man who does not appreciate or respect who they are.

 

I wish you well love...

  • Like 1
Posted

Leave.

 

You two are not meant for each other and both of you have a lot of work to do on yourselves.

 

If you had a daughter and she came to you with this story, what would the answer to your question be?

 

Ask yourself if you're better with or without him?

 

To me, it seems pretty clear, but I highly suggest talking to someone about what you've gone through. He's done some pretty terrible stuff, but I'm having a hard time understanding why you terminated without telling him? Do you want to explain that more?

 

Whatever you decide, take care of you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

  • Like 2
Posted

I understand the loss of an unborn child I had a early very early miscarriage once and had a difficult time recovering

 

To make a decision of terminating a pregnancy is a big one esp because you so wanted your child ...but I am having a hard time understanding this part ..you made this big decision because you did not want to bind your self to this man for next 18 years ....so you terminated and after that you are still with this guy I believe leaving him would be an easier devision after that ..

 

His prior life before he met you ...what he went through foster /dysfunctional family etc...is not your fault so why are you being a victim of his past that neither involved you nor you had anything to do with it ...

 

He come across as a drug addicted/ gambler and you are important to him as you provide him the source of income for his habits .you are gone that source is gone ..you will have an even harder time getting rid of him .

 

The thing about codependent person is they suck you in with their emotional stories all the time you feel sad for them pity for them so stay till you become a sucker codependent for their story and their need for you as well

 

You are not responsible for him/his past life/

You are not responsible he takes his money and gamble it because he is stressed

You are not responsible for his weed habit

 

Ýou are responsible for fueling his habit by providing the source of income to continue and responsible for let him use you to provide that as such .

Posted

Basically I stopped reading after he hit you.

 

This relationship is not complicated. You're making it that way. Get out before he kills you.

  • Like 1
Posted

Leave your boyfriend. It's not a healthy relationship anymore. You will be better off to find someone. It will be painful, yes ,but trust us, it will be worth it in the end.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you so so much for all the replies, feel so warm in heart, and appreciate all the kinda support. All of your support means so much to me, because i cannot pour so details to anyone of my friends and my family, as they will be worry about me. Head tells me what all you tells me, but my heart still pain even to leave this abusive relationship, why do I even feel so? What should I work on myself to hold on there? I totally understands like if my friends or my daughter came to me with my story, I will tell her to move on, but why I still feel so heart pain even for such an mess?

  • Author
Posted

Quick updates:

 

This month has been such an roller coaster. Another background to add here, as he had a law suit years ago, so he has been under intensive pressure for the consequences of the law suit, that's where his excuse for all of his misbehavior happens.

 

This month I felt overwhelmed because its has been one year since my baby conceived, So I have been very emotional and very depressed and I felt I really need an end to all of this mess and constantly told him I would live our city and want to get rid of everything to get rid of him, because he will not set me free if I don't.

 

Of course he wanted to follow me to where I am going, but I don't tell him the name of my designation, because I don't trust him. I don't know which things will trigger him to be crazy and my extended big family could not handle all of this drama and I felt it is not fair for my parents to go under all of the drama if could be.

 

With the pressure of me of keep telling him I am leaving this city, and with the pressure of the court keep chasing him as he told me, he kept on going for casino and loss all of his making this month, and rest of the money he spent on weed, more weed because he made more money this month, and more bar time.

 

He even lost the customer deposit at the beginning of the month, and I offer to lend him the customer of deposit money, which is couple of hundreds dollars, and he lost it again to casino for the money I lent him, and leave the customer keep contacting me, because he just told customer to do so. I mean what is the hell?? he got all the money I got nothing and I even lend him the first lost deposit, so I told him he is very evil and I will no longer lend him any money if he spent customer deposit in advance.

 

Meanwhile, he started to flirt with girls from Facebook from small Asian country, and the girl just keep calling from Facebook, and one time I answered as he is sleeping, and he does not care. And Now still girls keep calling and texting, and even we are in the same room, I saw him texting, but I don't care in a way that he better busy with other girls than I can get rid of him.

 

But in order for not be found by me, he told me its pen pal which he will never saw, I don't care. But the thing bothers me are he stay in the bar more to talk to Face time girls I guess, so he came back in the morning and his lack of sleep made him miss the customer work.

 

Now his so hopeless and he lost almost 15 ponds and very skinny now. And he blamed on me rude to him. How could I be nice to him when I carry all the burden of his problem, and get him customer to make him money and he spends all, and cleaned his customer problem which I made nothing at all.

 

He now asked me to give him some money so he could leave this country asap, but since the Face Book girls things, I felt so relaxed, because would not it be your and your Face book girls problem if you want to be together, why do not you waste your money in casino, but not save it to leave the country? And I felt I no longer need to worry his problem, because I am here worry about his problem, and he is in bar to flirt with girls to escape the reality.

 

He told me if I don't help him to leave the country or far away from the city, how would I get rid of him? I mean, I could not leave our city before he will? Of course I did not tell him to irritate him. And he keep telling me that he love me but I want to leave him, but why keep blaming on me for everything after I done so much?

 

I am physically attractive for my age, not as the face time girls more prettier than me in that way. But the big difference is My conversation with him is from the reality, with all the problems and the burdens I don't know how to flirt with him no more, just depressed. But the Face time girls, don't know his situation, so they can flirt and make him more relax, and now I am the one who made his depress as he claims.

 

Fast forward to yesterday, I hold my angry already with he came back in the morning with the mixed smell of weed and beer, and the face time girls keep calling from another country, so I were so irritated to the point that I hit his face while he is sleeping and he punch my nose back, and of course he just ask me to forgive him etc.

 

But the point is I don't much care about the flirt, but he try to turn off the ring so I could not hear the Face time calling, but with the phone off, he cannot hear the work call and he missed couple of jobs last week alone, and when he had no money, he will turn to me to borrow to weed, because he cannot function without weed, weed is like his air.

 

So its like why could he save some money when he made more to weed later, but spend more when he had more, like out of control this month. Before its not this bad. And for his Face Time girls, why does he stay in my place and do such things.

 

Anyway, I felt overall more relaxed after all of this more mess came. He was just weed addiction before, now he flirt with Face book girls, and lose money to casino, he got it all, so ironic.

 

Even more ironic, why I feel so heart pain. Even he claimed that I helped him more than anyone ever, but he still blamed me that I were rude to him? And I still feel angry when he flirt to face book girls, but I felt released in another way, am I crazy now? I were so under much pressure and I cannot eat and keep losing weight as well. Whats the hell with me?

Posted

I'd rather have heart pain then deal with this creep.

 

He's abusive, addicted, takes your money and flirts with other girls in front of you.

 

If you like the drama and like being walked over, then stay with this... but I'd rather go through the pain of a break up then deal with him.

 

You're better than this and worth more than this. Find your worth and dump this loser.

Posted

You're not listening. Cut all contact with this guy.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you so much every dear friend input, I feel warm. I changed a new phone without let him know. I asked him to leave my place and he had nowhere to go because he has no money. And I stopped helping him to get any customer at all. He has two deposit paid customer which he spent the money already and did not finish the job

 

I need time to pack my stuff and left because I have been lived in my place for years and had lots of stuff and my health is not in good condition due to all the stress. And I have to pack secretly while he is not in the house and use my phone when he is not around

 

He even keep ask me money for $10 for smoke etc and I told him no money. So sick of it.

 

And I blocked his phone number from my new phone.

 

He smashed all my old phone, iPad, computer and destroyed the property and I don't care no more. My safety and my health is more important

 

I don't want to call police then during the time of trial, he might be out and kill me etc. he had nothing and he can do anything because he is hopeless.

 

All the support is so appreciated and I feel stronger. Thanks all dear friends

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