penelopeanne Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 I had coffee with the ex that was prior to this last one. we have remained in contact since the split over 2 years ago, we were together for 4.5 years and had a mutual, bittersweet break up. it was mature and sad but the right thing at the time, because we were stuck and there was some damage done earlier on because of his drinking and we didn't connect on a physically intimate level. so we thought parting would be best. (he is now 4 years sober and doing well, healthy) he has remained supportive to me when I was going through some tough things this last year. we catch up every couple months. that break up was hard and I really jumped into a fling pretty fast after it and then got into this last relationship about 5 months after. it was nice to meet and catch up and i have a lot of love for him and vice versa. it was a stark contrast to what I had with this last relationship- so much detachment and me always questioning how recent ex felt about me. with this former ex, there was never any doubt he loved me unconditionally. he even said something along those lines the other day, how he is here for me if i ever need to reach out (i was talking about the dark times i have had regarding some other things im going through).... and he said he has a lot of love for me in his heart, always will. it was nice to hear, to feel. it made me sad that the last 2 years I was with someone else who couldn't give me that, who I wanted to. I feel a bit sad now that I don't have that with anyone now, the affection and love. I am grateful for still having a connection. but it is hindering my healing and my wanting to break my codependent patterns? can anyone relate to this?
mightycpa Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 Not really. Every ex I've ever seen after a while, I remember all the stuff, and that overrides any nostalgic feelings, and I feel glad I moved on. As an aside, shouldn't he be known as the ex once removed?
Author penelopeanne Posted May 30, 2017 Author Posted May 30, 2017 Not really. Every ex I've ever seen after a while, I remember all the stuff, and that overrides any nostalgic feelings, and I feel glad I moved on. As an aside, shouldn't he be known as the ex once removed? this is the only ex that I have continued to care about deeply and yes, we had our issues but our friendship was very deep. I do feel some nostalgia since seeing him and I know I am feeling raw and broken. I am trying to remain focused on myself. ex once removed, yes.
Superchicken Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Hi, I think you split up with him because you thought you deserved better (We all try to do this). Maybe you though that he should not be arguing with you, or what ever, but in the end, that's what you thought. Once out there, you found out that most guys are either the same, or bastards. Bad news for you girls, is that there are a lot of these types out there. So after figuring out that you had the best thing, and stuffed everything up because you wanted to see what other guys had, you now have second thoughts. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, as a young person needs to make sure that the person they end up with, will be, the one and only true love. If he's still got feelings for you, and he's still on your mind, then why are you wasting time here ?. Pick up the phone, and start a fresh relationship with him. Best of all, you know where not to tread in the future. So hopefully not as much arguing in the future (Yeah right ). Ted. 1
desertsession Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 It sounds like you're in the sort of situation that MANY people on here would love to be in... Don't rush into anything to get the 'affection and love' that you miss, but it sounds like you have a chance to go somewhere. But make sure you go somewhere new. Don't waste time discussing what went wrong last time. Use the lessons you'll both have learned in the time apart to start with stronger foundations.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Don't waste time discussing what went wrong last time. Use the lessons you'll both have learned in the time apart to start with stronger foundations. Whoa, I disagree with this. YOU DO talk about what went wrong in the past in the hopes that it will not happen again. There is NO way you can overcome past issues w/o discussing them. I don't mean bludgeon yourselves with the past issues, but a serious, introspective and honest 'talk' needs to be had to help avoid what led to your break-up. Dating is scary. Many people have to choose between the devil you know and the one you don't. When you start to regret, you tend to see a past relationship as the better option. Not that it may necessarily have been a good one, rather better than what you've had since. It can be a depressing. But, it sounds like there's a chance that rekindling things with this guy is desirable?
desertsession Posted May 31, 2017 Posted May 31, 2017 Whoa, I disagree with this. YOU DO talk about what went wrong in the past in the hopes that it will not happen again. There is NO way you can overcome past issues w/o discussing them. I don't mean bludgeon yourselves with the past issues, but a serious, introspective and honest 'talk' needs to be had to help avoid what led to your break-up. I mean that it wouldn't be wise for them to get hung-up on their past mistakes and play 'blame games'. A 2 year period of independent growth for each will have given them both perspective and likely taught each how to deal better with similar problems in future. The fact that both potentially feel like they wish to reconcile shows this, but that's just my view.
Author penelopeanne Posted May 31, 2017 Author Posted May 31, 2017 thank you all. I guess my thing is can I just not deal with being single, and not being attached to someone? I am concerned about my codependent ways. I want to do the self work, I want to get through this a stronger person. my ex ex and I did have a wonderful connection, still do. I had a lot of resentment while together because of his past drinking. and we grew apart sexually, but were always loving, affectionate. we lost the passion. but i sure do crave feeling that love and being cared for unconditionally with no boundaries. I think this is such a sensitive time for me, to come out of dealing with a detached partner that really made me feel crazy anxious.....to learning how to cope on my own. what a confusing time. 1
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