My two best friends have been dating 6 months, but one still loves their ex.

[JustAnotherOddGuy]

This is a rather difficult situation for me here, guys. These are two friends I value immensely. There are no two people in my life I trust more. Let's call them Dan and Debbie. I was so happy they got together, but it seems Dan isn't over his ex girlfriend as much as I thought... Let's call her Sasha. He called me last week in tears; had clearly been bottling up a lot of stuff and needed to talk to someone.

 

Background: Dan broke up with Sasha in October last year and quickly got into a relationship with Debbie. Sasha had been suffering from undiagnosed depression and anxiety. To clear his head he started hanging out with me and my friends a lot more last summer - he never got out much before. He ended up falling for Debbie over that time and ended his unhappy relationship with Sasha. And let me tell you, Debbie is absolutely crazy about Dan. I've never seen her so happy with a guy.

 

There was me thinking everything was rainbows and sunshine between my two best mates, but then I get this phone call from Dan last week. He said he can't stop crying from missing Sasha so much. He starts saying that Sasha is such a perfect person and he can only remember the perfect things about her. He doesn't know why they broke up and thinks about it everyday. I reminded him of the depression Sasha had and how miserable it made him and he just went on about how strong Sasha has become, that she is so inspiring and so mature.

 

Dan asked me to promise him I won't tell Debbie; that she wouldn't understand and would be upset. He admitted he felt terrible even telling me all this, that it was so unfair on Debbie. I asked him if he's happy with Debbie and he said he is happy with her and that she is great - that their relationship is just different to the one he had with Sasha. I asked him what he meant by that and he didn't have any answer, but he said he wants to stay with Debbie because he wants to make her happy and her happiness is more important than his own.

 

I am completely stuck, guys. I'm really glad Dan told me this as he was clearly upset and I'd never want him to hide things or bottle them up. He doesn't have any other friends he can talk to and I'm just glad he's got me... However, I just feel sorry for poor Debbie. That girl is amazing, and I know I can't break Dan's trust by telling her, but I hate that she is in the dark. And if she ever finds out and knows that I knew about this, I'd feel so awful... What do I do?

[Daisydooks]

You tell Dan to stop speaking with Sasha. He needs to give 100% to Debbie or leave her. She seems amazing so that would be silly to leave her, given how you have described her.

 

Much like I would tell a wayward husband or wife. If you genuinely want it to work with the person you are with, you have to cut ties with things/people who are unhealthy.

 

Sasha, although comfortable, and desirable, will get dumped again or do the dumping next time if they get back together. Tell him to give the relationship he is in a real fair shot

[healing light]

Sounds like Dan moved on too quickly with Debbie and wasn't ready for a new relationship. Also, to me, from what you said it sounds like Dan is in love with Sasha and not in love with Debbie.

 

I wouldn't tell Debbie anything--the messenger always gets shot, even with the best intentions, and you're friends with both of them prior to the formation of their relationship. I would just encourage Dan to follow his heart and to evaluate if the reasons he broke up with Sasha have changed. If he's in love with Debbie, great, but remind him it's unfair to both of them if his heart isn't in it. He's not doing anyone a favor by staying to make her happy if it's not what makes him fulfilled, too, as Debbie deserves a guy who is into her.