Underestimating people

[mortensorchid]

I was talking to a policeman friend the other day. He has a very direct take on life, as his job allows him to see horror stories no doubt. He said I tend to underestimate people, which is why I end up in crazy situations from time to time.

 

I took that to heart the other day. I realized that this was/is the case. I guess I would fall into the "nice girl" folder. I try to be very friendly towards others and always be happy, or at least I don't get into fights or demand things because it's not all about me. I do this because I remember times in my childhood and adolescence when I felt that I was abandoned or lonely or let down by others. In turn, I tried to counteract that by being the best person possible. And having been in the world officially for 20 years (as a working adult in healthcare and then as a teacher), I can tell you that the world is fully of lonely people. There are many people out there who feel unloved, and I wanted to be that person to make the person feel as if they are loved, because I know the sadness of loneliness.

 

This had gotten me into trouble with people. After being burned by so called "friends" in the past, I have become rather aloof. I'm friendly enough but not too friendly. Is it so bad that I underestimate people?

[MsJayne]

I'm not sure if I interpret your post correctly, but I think you mean that being kind to people has brought trouble into your life.....

There's a difference between being kind and being gullible. I used to be a give-'em-the-shirt-off-your-back sort of person, until I finally started to realise how often any problems I was having were the result of inviting trouble into my life by being kind to the wrong people. I started to understand that I was being an enabler, I was that stupid person who makes excuses for people when they've actually brought their problems on themselves and don't deserve sympathy. So, yes, underestimating people with regard to how manipulative, selfish, and self-serving they can be, isn't a good trait to have. You think you're being kind but you're just being gullible. Have you ever seen a movie called 'Happiness' by any chance? It's quite an old movie now and I think it was banned in some countries because of the subject matter. Anyway, one of the characters is a woman called Joy who's always depressed, and her depression is the result of being so kind that bad people regularly take advantage of her. It's not an uncommon scenario.

There's nothing wrong with being kind and wanting to help others, but you should never do it to the point where it's detrimental to your own well-being, you have to harden up a bit and learn to be a little bit cynical of people. There's a lot of creeps lurking around out there. : )

[thefooloftheyear]

Judging by your past threads, it seems like you are just naive, or gullible as the last poster correctly indicated.....My guess is that your parents never schooled you or explained how people/situations aren't always honest and above board...or what you expect them to be...

 

Depending on how sheltered a life you have led, this behavior isn't something you can just change at a moments notice...Its your nature, perhaps, to be overly trusting or only seeing the good in people or situations...What normally happens is some learn by taking lumps(seems like from your posts you have), and altering behavior so that it doesn't continue to happen...Unfortunately I know people that no matter how lumped they get, they just never get the savvy in them and they continue to get crapped on...This can be especially bad for women...It can lead to some really horrible stuff that most guys wont ever have to endure under the same conditions..,,,

 

Remember that you don't need to change the world...Be your nice and kind self, just have an awareness that every situation has an appropriate response..Being a bit cynical is actually a good thing..Having this awareness keeps you from getting into situations like you mentioned...It's not something you can directly put a finger on, most people just refer to it as "street smarts"....

 

I apologize profusely in advance if I am off here,,,,But I have read some of your threads/posts and this is my interpretation...I certainly wish you all of the best ..

 

TFY

Edited June 1, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[Redhead14]

What I think your'e referring to is the ability or lack thereof to "read" people. Without a stable familial foundation and attachment, a person either gets too attached and/or too quickly or they don't fully attach to anyone as an adult. They are doing some affect regulating and internalization. It's a difficult concept to grasp especially if a person is that way.

 

Do a little reading about attachment and mirroring and affect regulating.

[Gaeta]

I was gullible and naive for years, I was well into my 40s when I started building some protective walls up. It came from being over protected while growing up and young adult life. It's a long process to develop good judgment about people. We're always thinking people are good with good intentions and we need to de-program ourselves from that type of thinking.

 

You are feeling different because you're learning to protect yourself finally.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm not sure what you mean by "underestimate."

 

From your threads I get the impression that you have a fairly negative judgement of others. In that way, I agree that you underestimate people. I find that expecting to find the good in others helps keep my circle of people pretty positive. Sure the world is full of crap. Being on the lookout for it all the time might actually make a person more susceptible to it.

[mikeylo]

I can't relate the title with the description!

[GunslingerRoland]

It sounds like you overestimate people, not underestimate them. And I'm guilty of the same thing. I'm one of those people that tries to be empathetic to the whole world at once. And I can't understand people who aren't like me.