In Defense of Online Dating

May 30, 2017

For the past year, I have deep-dived into online dating. Why? Because prior to early last year, I had been in a long-term relationship that ate up my entire twenties. After the break-up clouds subsided, I vowed to diligently go about improving myself, to rediscover what I liked, to pursue my business with renewed energy, and to find a partner in life that would truly be compatible with me.

What I quickly realized was that I had spent the previous decade consumed by my business and developing healthy lifestyle habits, but had overlooked all other areas of my life. It was shocking just how much of myself I had lost in that relationship. This, I knew, I had to fix. So I briefly dated a few different people in the first few months right after my breakup. The first one was bad, but it became obvious that the more I dated, the better my results. I viewed it as research. It was also around this time that I learned about online dating.

Online dating was, and still is amazing to me. It was and again, still is, the most efficient platform I had ever come across for what I wanted to do, which was to find a life partner and continue on the journey of self-discovery that this particular goal would necessitate. I was amazed at how quickly it put me in touch with all sorts of people from different backgrounds; so long as a profile captured my attention, and there was a possible match, I'd venture out and meet them. Week after week, I would meet up with people for a coffee, and it was through the process of doing that that I was able to rapidly boil down what suited me. It was also during this time, that I learned how to quickly read profiles, decipher pictures and hone that compatibility meter inside my head. This became an incredibly useful skill.

I quickly found myself in two meaningful back to back short term (3 and 6 months) relationships, that were both extremely eye-opening. These two men were fantastic, but ultimately, I wasn't fully ready yet to be with the first one, and the second man was in a transitional stage in his life that was incompatible with mine. Both of these deeply intense and mature relationships helped me grow significantly as a person, and to this day I'm still grateful to both of them for being the kind and honest people they were and for teaching me so many things about myself. One of them, I hope will eventually become a life long friend. The respect I have for both of them is immense.

Now I'm back dating again. It's been almost a year since I embarked on teaching myself how to date. It's been almost a year since I came across online dating. This time around, I find that online dating is even more amazing, because I now have a very accurate idea of who suits me. My batting average is very high. I am usually pleasantly surprised the first time I meet someone face-to-face, and not the other way around.

My friends do not know why I seem to keep encountering high quality men who are established, mature and physically fit, and I do not know how to explain to them that it is not enough to simply put your profile online, start chatting, and hope for the best... that it takes a lot of skill-building, calibration, self-discovery, confrontation, and honesty to get to a place where a person will only encounter good potential matches. And even after that, if you, yourself, are not ready, or are not happy and purpose-driven in your life, you will not experience the kind of fulfilling relationship that each of us want.

Nowadays, I don't meet as many people. I do have my hands full with a few men. People who have rewarding lives are all busy, and in real life, how someone behaves this week can can vary slightly week to week, I acknowledge this by dating multiple men, having little expectations and making no promises. I expect them to do the same. With time, I will have the kind of relationship I want, but I'm in no rush. In dating, or in any relationship for that matter, there are a few requirements; taking it slow, self-monitoring, being authentic, and being aware of the situation at all times. Dating is a whole-person process, not just a piece of a person's life. It's about you as a person, where you are right now, what you have to offer, and what you are able to receive from another. Only when I started to absorb these lessons did my dating life change significantly, online and in person. People started popping up around me... spectacularly accomplished, physically attractive, healthy and secure individuals --- and I don't even live in a majorly populated North American city.

Right now, I really enjoy my dating life. I used to come to these forums after my initial breakup and read about people bashing online dating, and I can see why that is the case. I feel sad that people are struggling. That's part of the process though. It'd be smarter to just accept that. Ultimately, we are all struggling in one way or another in love, in life... that's the point, isn't it? To solve our problems and move on to better ones? To acknowledge that the process itself, is the joy of it... that it lets us express ourselves, to meaningfully connect, and be creative. It is a fantastic opportunity to see if we're truly capable of being the people we say we are.

There simply aren't enough people in praise of online dating. With every single person I've encountered, I've been exposed to their unique views on life, and I've exposed them to mine. It's a great value exchange, and I have a couple of great friends I've met through this medium. To me, online dating is simply the best catalyst for knowing yourself. If I had listened to my friends who dissuaded me from dating, who were very negative and down on the whole subject matter, I wouldn't be who I am today, and this process would've taken much longer. Online dating has changed the landscape for everyone, and I believe it is for the better. There is no rewind button for people who are hoping we can go to pre-Internet days. For people who haven't tried it, I say, don't be afraid, embrace it! Just be smart about it. Live your life. Be vulnerable. Laugh and play. Use this valuable tool, and let it help you create the love life you want. Don't overlook it, don't pass up the chance to re-examine yourself at maximum velocity.

Edited May 30, 2017 by embraced

May 30, 2017

If you're an attractive female (top 25-30 percent-ish) or an attractive male (top 10%) then yes, OLD is nice. Then again, if you are that attractive, particularly if you're female, I'd suspect you'd have quite a few gentleman callers IRL already.

If you are a non-Caucasian, non-religious male, however, it can be a soul crushing experience.

May 30, 2017

Yeah sure OLD is great if you're good looking. Tell us something we don't know.

May 30, 2017

I don't agree with the two posters who replied above. I'm just an average-looking woman in my opinion but OLD worked for me.

I have met my now husband 4 years ago on an online dating website and we were married a year later. OLD was the best decision I ever made.

May 30, 2017

I don't agree with the two posters who replied above. I'm just an average-looking woman in my opinion but OLD worked for me.

I have met my now husband 4 years ago on an online dating website and we were married a year later. OLD was the best decision I ever made.

Well yeah its okay if you're an average looking woman.

May 30, 2017

I don't agree with the two posters who replied above. I'm just an average-looking woman in my opinion but OLD worked for me.

I have met my now husband 4 years ago on an online dating website and we were married a year later. OLD was the best decision I ever made.

Trust me my dear OLD is not like it was when you met your husband 4 years ago. It's winner take all today.. Window Shopping, Text Buddies, Dinner Buddies, Married and still have they're cake and pie syndrome. I am back on because to me OLD works but it's real challenge for me than it was back in 2011, yes I have 6 years plus into OLD. Prior years we didn't have the issues like today. Nigerian Connection, Ghana Connection, Philippine Connection, (The Connection Aka Fake Scammer Women.) There are a lot US Women playing the fake role for Scams also. I wish it was 4 to 6 years ago not like that again..

May 30, 2017

I generally like OLD and I agree with you Embraced: it's a great tool to learn about myself, what I like and what I want in my life. I'm always surprised at the horror stories I hear because, for the most part, OLD has been good to me. I met many men who weren't a match, broke a few hearts and got rejected sometimes. But it's all just part of the process. I agree with you that once you accept that, OLD gets a lot easier.

May 31, 2017

I had to read four lengthy paragraphs before discovering (not surprisingly) that you're a woman. Yes, online dating is fantastic ... for women. It sucks for men, due to the way, way out-of-whack male/female ratio. I'm not saying you can quickly and easily find the man of your dreams--it takes patience and you may have to kiss a lot of frogs. But you have a virtually endless supply of eager suitors (I've been told this by numerous women I've met online, even average-looking ones). By contrast, even the best-looking, most successful guys can expect only a trickle of responses.

Edited May 31, 2017 by antonio1149

May 31, 2017

Wonderful post, OP!!

May 31, 2017

I had to read four lengthy paragraphs before discovering (not surprisingly) that you're a woman. Yes, online dating is fantastic ... for women. It sucks for men, due to the way, way out-of-whack male/female ratio. I'm not saying you can quickly and easily find the man of your dreams--it takes patience and you may have to kiss a lot of frogs. But you have a virtually endless supply of eager suitors (I've been told this by numerous women I've met online, even average-looking ones). By contrast, even the best-looking, most successful guys can expect a trickle of responses.

I won't disagree with any of this, but I really don't see how real life is any better.

The same women who are rejecting guys in OLD with height, face, race, and income requirements and stacking male profiles against each other are doing the same thing in real life.

In any case, I got lucky. I met my girlfriend on there, and she messaged me first. If I was back on OLD tmrw, I have no doubt I'd have a long, long road of rejections before me.

The one thing OLD did teach me (and Loveshack has taught me as well) is just how much of a priority people make the physical.

I can't even count the number of women whose profiles I saw where I was like "eh, she's OK, but if we met who knows we could really connect". And rejection. So many, many missed chances to meet a woman where we connect on every level. Sigh.

May 31, 2017

I won't disagree with any of this, but I really don't see how real life is any better.

Here's how real life is different. The laws of supply and demand apply universally. In real life, it takes courage and confidence to approach a strange woman in public so only a small percentage of risk-taking men will do so. Therefore, the supply for women is relatively low (although as attractiveness increases, the supply scales accordingly).

In OLD, there is no risk so even average women typically get an avalanche of attention. Much greater supply = much more pickiness = much lower odds for men.

The same women who are rejecting guys in OLD with height, face, race, and income requirements and stacking male profiles against each other are doing the same thing in real life.

To some degree this is true, but again, supply and demand skews the results.

In any case, I got lucky. I met my girlfriend on there, and she messaged me first. If I was back on OLD tmrw, I have no doubt I'd have a long, long road of rejections before me.

I'm glad to hear you've had success. Yes, it's far easier to find someone if you're choosing from the pool of folks who contact you. The problem (for me) is that the women who contact me are never what I find attractive. People have a tendency to shoot out of their league when they're doing the picking.

May 31, 2017

I agree with your opinion on online dating for the most part. I also made some great connections and met my current boyfriend online. I do think that people do post a lot of negatives about online dating on here but I know it's because of their personal experiences. I don't think I had it as rough as most people or maybe I just got lucky, but I see the comments on here to your post reference attractiveness as a factor and I have to agree that definitely makes a difference in one's experience.

I'm a fairly attractive woman, not everyone's type, but I get a decent amount of attention on most days and I'm in my mid-thirties. I had my share of rejection with online dating but there were always a new crop of guys to choose from every few weeks. Anyone who I messaged first mostly didn't respond to me, but I got enough attention from decent guys that it didn't deter me from moving forward. I can't imagine having constant rejection, it would definitely take its toll on me. So although I don't have a negative opinion on online dating, I can understand how other people do because of what they've been through in their own dating process.

May 31, 2017

Here's how real life is different. The laws of supply and demand apply universally. In real life, it takes courage and confidence to approach a strange woman in public so only a small percentage of risk-taking men will do so. Therefore, the supply for women is relatively low (although as attractiveness increases, the supply scales accordingly).

In OLD, there is no risk so even average women typically get an avalanche of attention. Much greater supply = much more pickiness = much lower odds for men.

That is a fair point. I actually never thought about it that way. Although I did do my fair share of cold approaches at bars and that was a total disaster.

May 31, 2017

Great first post, IMO. It is a refreshing perspective and I appreciate that. What stood out to me most was this part:

...if you, yourself, are not ready, or are not happy and purpose-driven in your life, you will not experience the kind of fulfilling relationship that each of us want.

I agree with this. I hope you stick around to offer more insight regarding the self and relationships with others.

May 31, 2017

I won't disagree with any of this, but I really don't see how real life is any better.

Mate, it's completely different.

Online, I made a woman's profile in order to check out my profile properly.

Within minutes, I was inundated by desperate men hitting up the profile. And this was a profile obviously with no picture and no description or anything.

Logged in a few weeks later for the same reason, and one of those guys had turned stalker, messaging each day.

None of those guys would have the balls to behave like that in real life. And it makes things much harder for some of us to get noticed online among the deluge of messages.

Hence, there were women online ignoring me sometimes that I'm telling you would not have been in real life.

In real life, just having the guts grants you access to much better quality women. And who do you think she remembers? The guy who went and connected with her at the trainstation that morning, or just another guy spamming her OKCupid messages inbox?

Just going to one meet up group for a couple of hours even got me two very good leads. That simple. And it was enjoyable - I had fun. Not sure why more guys don't do that instead.

Factor into this that online dating doesn't teach you very much (except for maybe practicing your text-messaging). There isn't any value in the actual process. It felt like a grind to me, and that's unsustainable over any sort of long-term.

That's just some of my opinions on online dating. If people find great value in it, then I'm happy for them. It wasn't for me.

Edited May 31, 2017 by Bastile

May 31, 2017

OLD works for plenty of people. No need to defend its efficacy, but it is no picnic.

May 31, 2017

Mate, it's completely different.

Online, I made a woman's profile in order to check out my profile properly.

Within minutes, I was inundated by desperate men hitting up the profile. And this was a profile obviously with no picture and no description or anything.

Logged in a few weeks later for the same reason, and one of those guys had turned stalker, messaging each day.

None of those guys would have the balls to behave like that in real life. And it makes things much harder for some of us to get noticed online among the deluge of messages.

Hence, there were women online ignoring me sometimes that I'm telling you would not have been in real life.

I actually did the same thing. I took a few pics of a stranger and put them up on POF. She got less messages than I expected. Probably a few legit messages a week, if that. A lot of hi, hey, and weird messages.

I think if you have a good body, you'd get a lot more interest.

So, that means most women that weren't even giving me a chance weren't getting that much interest.

I'm lucky because I can see it from both sides. I totally understand how much of a struggle it is for guys who don't 'stand out'. Like totally! Yet, I got something great out of it.

And I lived to tell the tale on Loveshack...

Quite honestly, women are so picky. A lot of guys would be better off just sticking with the women who view them or message them.

May 31, 2017

Quite honestly, women are so picky. A lot of guys would be better off just sticking with the women who view them or message them.

There's no point, for me, in dating women I'm not attracted to (which pretty much describes anyone who contacts me). I'm better off staying single and hoping I have good luck waiting in line at Starbuck's.

May 31, 2017

There's no point, for me, in dating women I'm not attracted to (which pretty much describes anyone who contacts me). I'm better off staying single and hoping I have good luck waiting in line at Starbuck's.

You can also contact the women who view you. I got so few views, it was possible to contact all of them.

Your chances of getting a response from a woman who viewed you first are probably 10x that of cold messaging some woman, no matter how good of a chance you think you have.

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