What's a woman's true mindset when it comes to online dating?

May 29, 2017

I'd like 110% completely honest answers in this thread. No politically correct answers. I'd like female perspectives on this mainly.

Do you normally just go by superficial stuff first & foremost before anything else due to having so many options? So basically, does stuff like looks/income matter more to you than anything else in giving a guy a chance online?

And would you bother to give a guy a chance in person if you didn't online? And what would be the reason for giving him a chance in person but not through online dating?

I just want honest answers about this.

Edited May 29, 2017 by NJ123

May 29, 2017

I absolutely hate it.

I do not trust easily and I find the thought of meeting someone online frightening. I have tried and much prefer to meet people in real life.

May 29, 2017

Online I chose guys completely by their looks. As a good-looking female I know I could afford to be choosy, especially with the plethora of men on there. It' so easy to just quickly browse through all the photos and only stop and read the profiles of the ones I found good-looking, and only then swipe right if I liked what I both saw and read.

In person it's completely different. Manners and a sense of humor will win me over in that regard. I remember being on the bus when I was younger and I saw an old lady drop her groceries on the way out. A guy (I didn't even see his face) immediately got up to help her and I thought to myself, "I would marry that guy." Last year as I stood behind a guy to hop on the train, when the doors opened he stepped to the side and motioned for me to go before him. He face wasn't the greatest, but if he would have asked me out after that I would have said yes. I'm a sucker for manners.

Also, as I get to know people in person, personality can make them attractive. People who make you laugh and feel good about yourself (which is something you can't determine via OLD pictures) definitely become attractive.

May 29, 2017

I absolutely hate it.

I do not trust easily and I find the thought of meeting someone online frightening. I have tried and much prefer to meet people in real life.

Yeah, I've heard some woman can be a bit turned off by online dating in general.

May 29, 2017

Online I chose guys completely by their looks. As a good-looking female I know I could afford to be choosy, especially with the plethora of men on there. It' so easy to just quickly browse through all the photos and only stop and read the profiles of the ones I found good-looking, and only then swipe right if I liked what I both saw and read.

In person it's completely different. Manners and a sense of humor will win me over in that regard. I remember being on the bus when I was younger and I saw an old lady drop her groceries on the way out. A guy (I didn't even see his face) immediately got up to help her and I thought to myself, "I would marry that guy." Last year as I stood behind a guy to hop on the train, when the doors opened he stepped to the side and motioned for me to go before him. He face wasn't the greatest, but if he would have asked me out after that I would have said yes. I'm a sucker for manners.

Also, as I get to know people in person, personality can make them attractive. People who make you laugh and feel good about yourself (which is something you can't determine via OLD pictures) definitely become attractive.

A lot of guys are under the assumption that most women only give the really good looking guys a chance with online dating. If you're as good looking as you say than I don't think most men would have an issue with you doing that.

True, I hear that of course about personality. But if a guy you weren't that attracted to face/body wise had an amazing personality to you would you feel like you're settling in some way though? I've just heard that women would go for the really good looking guys for casual but for relationships they'd go for average looking guys because of personality. Basically would you feel like something is missing in terms of sexual attraction if you weren't that attracted to him physically since you wouldn't give him a chance online but would in person?

May 29, 2017

So, the first thing you see is obviously the photo and shallow or not, it is important that there is at least something attractive about the person to you. Ironically, I am kind of the opposite of the other poster - I think that people putting themselves out there and writing about themselves/messaging gives me an opportunity to consider something other than just their looks. My last relationship of 15 months started online. I will be honest and say that initially, his pictures alone didn't do it for me. But he sent me this message that made me laugh, and he had a great personality - we clicked. I didn't immediately look at his pics and think he was hot - but not that long thereafter, I did!

I don't bother to look at the income. First, I really can't understand why anyone would disclose that online. Second, I am not sure everyone tells the truth there anyway. I think it is just weird to have it on there, I don't know. Anyone else feel differently?

So for me, in a nutshell: yes, I look at pics first, but I am not only looking for someone drop dead gorgeous in my eyes - I read what they had to say too. And the opposite can be true also, there has been attractive men OLD who write garbage too and that is a turn off.

May 29, 2017

I absolutely hate it.

I do not trust easily and I find the thought of meeting someone online frightening. I have tried and much prefer to meet people in real life.

Are you also opposed to being approached by a stranger at let's say a bar, club, hell even the supermarket? Or is it just online? Asking because it's not really any different than online in the sense that they're still a stranger nonetheless.

May 29, 2017

"Do you normally just go by superficial stuff first & foremost before anything else due to having so many options?"

No, because I don't feel there are loads of options and I need a very intelligent guy I can talk to.

"So basically, does stuff like looks/income matter more to you than anything else in giving a guy a chance online?"

Re looks, I have to feel some attraction but not repelled

How a guy expresses himself in his profile matters. If he writes badly, is rude, crude, domineering or sarcastic, that puts me off. If he seems naive and appears to expect an old-fashioned woman who has never ever chatted to another guy, that puts me off.

Income matters - or rather that he has some kind of profession or stability - mainly because I've been in an unequal relationship in the past where I bore the financial burdens. I'd like something more evenly balanced.

"And would you bother to give a guy a chance in person if you didn't online? And what would be the reason for giving him a chance in person but not through online dating?"

Not sure what this means except that if I'd already met him through some other means and liked him/was attracted, then I would give him a chance. People often seem more interesting in real life but sometimes they can be off-putting due to body language or hygiene issues.

If people seek you out in real life, then you are already half-way there.

May 29, 2017

True, I hear that of course about personality. But if a guy you weren't that attracted to face/body wise had an amazing personality to you would you feel like you're settling in some way though? I've just heard that women would go for the really good looking guys for casual but for relationships they'd go for average looking guys because of personality. Basically would you feel like something is missing in terms of sexual attraction if you weren't that attracted to him physically since you wouldn't give him a chance online but would in person?

Oh, no doubt personality wins hands down. The thing is, for me and I'm thinking for a lot of other women also, a guy's personality only makes him more attractive with time. So a guy with non-conventional good looks can become really attractive if he has a great personality. And no, I don't think that I would consider that settling.

May 29, 2017

Hobbies/Interests/Personality first. I don't care if he's the hottest man ever bestowed onto the planet, I'm not interested in dating him if he doesn't care about the things I care about. If we're going to disagree over smoking or religion or something I'm not going to waste my time even looking at the picture.

(I mean, if we're looking solely at one night of hot sex, THEN looks are all that matter. But we're talking about dating, right?)

After I've put in the filters for the right kind of guy, THEN I'll look at what he looks like. There's usually not a huge range of guys that will meet my standards for interests, so I don't expect to find a 10-looks guy in there, and I'm happy to consider someone who is average-looking if he sounds like a good match for me.

I don't think the online dating sites I've been to have even listed income? Or else I just never paid attention to it.

May 29, 2017

Hobbies/Interests/Personality first. I don't care if he's the hottest man ever bestowed onto the planet, I'm not interested in dating him if he doesn't care about the things I care about. If we're going to disagree over smoking or religion or something I'm not going to waste my time even looking at the picture.

(I mean, if we're looking solely at one night of hot sex, THEN looks are all that matter. But we're talking about dating, right?)

After I've put in the filters for the right kind of guy, THEN I'll look at what he looks like. There's usually not a huge range of guys that will meet my standards for interests, so I don't expect to find a 10-looks guy in there, and I'm happy to consider someone who is average-looking if he sounds like a good match for me.

I don't think the online dating sites I've been to have even listed income? Or else I just never paid attention to it.

That's what I don't get when it comes to the looks thing. If looks are all that matters when it's about "casual hot sex" than how is the sex with a guy that you think is okay looking better than the "hot sex" with a guy that's a 10/10 to you? I think a lot of guys fear that they're getting settled for when women state things like this. How can you get turned on the same way with a guy you're in a relationship with that you view as physically average or deep down maybe even ugly than with a guy that you find extremely physically attractive? And yes I've literally read of some women flat out calling their boyfriends/husbands ugly but it's their personality won them over.

Edited May 29, 2017 by NJ123

May 30, 2017

That's what I don't get when it comes to the looks thing. If looks are all that matters when it's about "casual hot sex" than how is the sex with a guy that you think is okay looking better than the "hot sex" with a guy that's a 10/10 to you?

I don't totally understand what you're asking here. Sex isn't just about a pretty face.

If all I'm looking for is one night of fun with someone I'll never see again, we're not going to be having deep conversations or a long-term relationship, so none of those factors matter at all. So the only thing to judge on is what they look like.

You don't actually know if the cute-looking guy is any good in bed, either, not when you're just meeting them for one night. He might turn out to be a huge disappointment. Great face doesn't mean great tongue action (or whatever).

In fact at least to me it's pretty certain that one night of no-strings sex is NOT going to be the best sex in the world, compared to sex with someone you know and trust who knows your body and what you like, and cares about how things go long-term.

I think a lot of guys fear that they're getting settled for when women state things like this. How can you get turned on the same way with a guy you're in a relationship with that you view as physically average or deep down maybe even ugly than with a guy that you find extremely physically attractive? And yes I've literally read of some women flat out calling their boyfriends/husbands ugly but it's their personality won them over.

First, see again that sex is not all about a pretty face. That really doesn't control whether and how you can get turned on by someone.

Second, when you get to know and care about someone, they generally become more attractive to you.

It's not like there's only one attractive man in the world and everyone else is a bad knockoff of him. People are attractive in many different ways. Most people have at least some attractive features. Someone might look average in a picture but have the most adorable smile, or eyes that light up when he talks.

I think it's an awful idea to settle for someone you don't find attractive at all because that'll lead to disappointment for both of you in the long run. But a guy doesn't have to be a movie star to be a turn-on!

It would also be ridiculous to settle for someone I couldn't stand just because he had a nice ass or whatever. What kind of relationship would that be? I've heard rumors of men marrying women they despised just because they thought the girls were nice arm candy, but laughed at them behind their backs and called them stupid bimbos. That's horrible

May 30, 2017

I don't totally understand what you're asking here. Sex isn't just about a pretty face.

If all I'm looking for is one night of fun with someone I'll never see again, we're not going to be having deep conversations or a long-term relationship, so none of those factors matter at all. So the only thing to judge on is what they look like.

You don't actually know if the cute-looking guy is any good in bed, either, not when you're just meeting them for one night. He might turn out to be a huge disappointment. Great face doesn't mean great tongue action (or whatever).

In fact at least to me it's pretty certain that one night of no-strings sex is NOT going to be the best sex in the world, compared to sex with someone you know and trust who knows your body and what you like, and cares about how things go long-term.

First, see again that sex is not all about a pretty face. That really doesn't control whether and how you can get turned on by someone.

Second, when you get to know and care about someone, they generally become more attractive to you.

It's not like there's only one attractive man in the world and everyone else is a bad knockoff of him. People are attractive in many different ways. Most people have at least some attractive features. Someone might look average in a picture but have the most adorable smile, or eyes that light up when he talks.

I think it's an awful idea to settle for someone you don't find attractive at all because that'll lead to disappointment for both of you in the long run. But a guy doesn't have to be a movie star to be a turn-on!

It would also be ridiculous to settle for someone I couldn't stand just because he had a nice ass or whatever. What kind of relationship would that be? I've heard rumors of men marrying women they despised just because they thought the girls were nice arm candy, but laughed at them behind their backs and called them stupid bimbos. That's horrible

I just think a lot of guys maybe misinterpret their sexual value to women if women don't put them in the wanting casual sex with them type of category. I watched a video the other day on youtube of women choosing between 2 guys for casual sex or relationships. They chose the really attractive guy in the casual sex category & chose the less attractive guy in the relationship category. Not sure what to make of that really. But I couldn't be with someone that didn't view me as really physically attractive in their eyes. I could never settle for a woman that only views me as average looking physically. I know personally matters just as much too though.

May 30, 2017

I'm not a lady, but I am opinionated, so I will chime in on what I have learned through experience, trial and error, and observations.

Online: Your pics are all that matters. Everything else is pretty much meaningless. I have a job that affords me a lot of free time at night, hence the posting here, and I once used that time to create a bunch of fake OLD profiles. For my good looking guy profiles, nothing I said in the profile matter, nor did any of the messages I sent mattered. I would just send messages like, "nice cleavage." and still get responses. All I really had to do was say hi, and I got responses. For my more average looking profiles, I hardly got anything at all, no matter how intelligent, nice, or witty I could be. Only those pics mattered, period.

In person: Looks matter. A lot. I have a friend who can just eye a woman from the other side of a bar without saying a word, and she will walk over and give her number....while her boyfriend is in the bathroom. I was there and saw it happen. The dude is a raging alcoholic with no place to live, and women still fawn all over him. It's unreal. He is not kind to women either. On the other hand, as an average looking guy, I can get dates, even sometimes playing out of my league, but it ain't easy. I've got to be fun, interesting, smart, capable, and charming, just to get dates with ladies that my buddy would just have to look at.

That is pretty much how meeting women works out. I think everyone should make the best of what gifts they have.

How do you know through the internet you're not being "cat fished" though?

May 30, 2017

I just think a lot of guys maybe misinterpret their sexual value to women if women don't put them in the wanting casual sex with them type of category. I watched a video the other day on youtube of women choosing between 2 guys for casual sex or relationships. They chose the really attractive guy in the casual sex category & chose the less attractive guy in the relationship category. Not sure what to make of that really. But I couldn't be with someone that didn't view me as really physically attractive in their eyes. I could never settle for a woman that only views me as average looking physically. I know personally matters just as much too though.

While every choice is individual so this doesn't necessarily apply to any particular person, highly mainstream-attractive people are more likely to cheat and therefore less good prospects for a long-term relationship. Someone who you personally find attractive but who is less likely to turn the heads of every woman in the room makes a better mate.

May 30, 2017

While every choice is individual so this doesn't necessarily apply to any particular person, highly mainstream-attractive people are more likely to cheat and therefore less good prospects for a long-term relationship. Someone who you personally find attractive but who is less likely to turn the heads of every woman in the room makes a better mate.

So it's mainly due to insecurity reasons why women don't want to be with a guy that's really attractive or more attractive than them? Wouldn't that make more women have the urge to cheat or feel like they're settling when they see guys they find way more physically attractive than their partner all the time?

Edited May 30, 2017 by NJ123

May 30, 2017

My "list" (so to speak) of things I was seeking in a partner didn't change just because it was online versus in person. However, meeting someone in person is always preferable than meeting online where all you really have to go by is a photo and a (usually) generic profile. There is a lot to be said for personality, body language, etc. that cannot be conveyed through an online dating profile.

That said, yes, looks mattered to the extent that I needed to be attracted to the guy. (But this doesn't necessarily mean a guy had to be conventionally good looking.) Income mattered to the extent that I wouldn't have dated a guy who was unemployed or working a dead end job. But I wouldn't have "given those guys a chance" if I had met them in real life either, since that wasn't what I was looking for in a partner.

May 30, 2017

So it's mainly due to insecurity reasons why women don't want to be with a guy that's really attractive or more attractive than them? Wouldn't that make more women have the urge to cheat or feel like they're settling when they see guys they find way more physically attractive than their partner all the time?

You seem to have a weird way of looking at this whole attractiveness thing that I don't quite get.

First off, people generally are not going to see 'way more attractive' guys all the time just because they didn't marry a male model. There aren't that many of those guys out there. Also, if they picked someone who is less mainstream attractive but still very attractive to them, then they consider their partner much more attractive than you think they do.

Second, healthy people in relationships are not constantly rating everyone that passes by and thinking 'Would this be a better person to date than my current partner? Oh, look, this guy earns ten dollars more a year than my current guy does, so he's objectively better, time to break up!" That is not how normal people think.

The question is not "is there anyone better in the world for me than my current partner?" Because there might well be, somewhere, no matter who you're dating. No one in the world can match every single one of your crazy fantasies down to the last detail. (It's pretty hard to find a guy who happens to be a sparkling immortal vampire, for example.) No matter how hot or how rich someone is, there's going to be someone else in the world who is 'better' in SOME aspect. Or at least different! If there are two super-attractive ladies who are gorgeous in different ways and you can only pick one of them, are you 'settling'?

The question is not "is there anyone better" the question is "are you happy in your current relationship".

According to the infidelity forum, a surprising number of people who cheat do so with a partner who is much LESS physically attractive than their spouse. Cheating is complicated and not about trying to find the partner with the highest attractiveness score.

But I'm still not sure why you're so bothered by the idea that someone might want to date you even if she doesn't think you're the MOST attractive man in the entire world.

Is it really because you want a date who is interested in you ONLY for your body, and not your mind? I'm not sure why you'd want that but if that's it, then I guess you could just keep your profile blank so they have nothing else but your looks to go on...

May 30, 2017

I could never settle for a woman that only views me as average looking physically. I know personally matters just as much too though.

Unless you are superman with film star good looks, then how is she supposed to view you?

Yes, the love goggles may help a lot but most women are well aware of where their man stands in the objective attractiveness stakes, they are not stupid, and for most women that means he is around "average", and sometimes that is "at best" too.

Everyone "settles", only they do not view it as settling, or a bad thing, they see it as getting the best "all rounder" that they can get.i

May 30, 2017

You seem to have a weird way of looking at this whole attractiveness thing that I don't quite get.

First off, people generally are not going to see 'way more attractive' guys all the time just because they didn't marry a male model. There aren't that many of those guys out there. Also, if they picked someone who is less mainstream attractive but still very attractive to them, then they consider their partner much more attractive than you think they do.

Second, healthy people in relationships are not constantly rating everyone that passes by and thinking 'Would this be a better person to date than my current partner? Oh, look, this guy earns ten dollars more a year than my current guy does, so he's objectively better, time to break up!" That is not how normal people think.

The question is not "is there anyone better in the world for me than my current partner?" Because there might well be, somewhere, no matter who you're dating. No one in the world can match every single one of your crazy fantasies down to the last detail. (It's pretty hard to find a guy who happens to be a sparkling immortal vampire, for example.) No matter how hot or how rich someone is, there's going to be someone else in the world who is 'better' in SOME aspect. Or at least different! If there are two super-attractive ladies who are gorgeous in different ways and you can only pick one of them, are you 'settling'?

The question is not "is there anyone better" the question is "are you happy in your current relationship".

According to the infidelity forum, a surprising number of people who cheat do so with a partner who is much LESS physically attractive than their spouse. Cheating is complicated and not about trying to find the partner with the highest attractiveness score.

But I'm still not sure why you're so bothered by the idea that someone might want to date you even if she doesn't think you're the MOST attractive man in the entire world.

Is it really because you want a date who is interested in you ONLY for your body, and not your mind? I'm not sure why you'd want that but if that's it, then I guess you could just keep your profile blank so they have nothing else but your looks to go on...

I guess I wouldn't want to feel like I'm being settled for if she doesn't view me as that attractive. And no of course I wouldn't want someone to be with me for just my body but I feel I'd need for her to like my personality just as much as she likes my looks. I couldn't be with someone that views me as average looking in her eyes deep down.

May 30, 2017

Unless you are superman with film star good looks, then how is she supposed to view you?
Yes, the love goggles may help a lot but most women are well aware of where their man stands in the objective attractiveness stakes, they are not stupid, and for most women that means he is around "average", and sometimes that is "at best" too.

Everyone "settles", only they do not view it as settling, or a bad thing, they see it as getting the best "all rounder" that they can get.i

But why would women settle for a guy that they only view as average looking for? If a woman has a lot of options, which a lot of women seem to do these days due to dating apps/social media, why would she choose a guy that's only average looking to her instead of the more attractive guy? If things were somewhat even in a lot of categories between two guys besides looks wouldn't everyone choose the more attractive guy every time?

I could be wrong but I've heard a lot of people state that some women are insecure of a guy being more attractive than them in a relationship so they go with the less attractive guy so he isn't at high risk of cheating on her. So they go with the really attractive guys for casual sex but relationship wise they'll choose the average guy unless she's really attractive herself. But if that's the case how is the guy she's with supposed to feel about that?

May 30, 2017

But why would women settle for a guy that they only view as average looking for? If a woman has a lot of options, which a lot of women seem to do these days due to dating apps/social media, why would she choose a guy that's only average looking to her instead of the more attractive guy? If things were somewhat even in a lot of categories between two guys besides looks wouldn't everyone choose the more attractive guy every time?

She chooses the average looking guy because the average looking guy has other qualities that are more important to her than looks. She does not view that as settling. The hypothetical you pose that basically EVERYTHING else is equal except looks is one you will never find in real life. But if someone ever did find those two unicorns, then sure, she would probably go for the better looking guy, all else being totally equal. Wouldn't you?

Are you honestly expecting the women you date to view you as the most good looking man on the planet? You simply cannot narrow it down only to looks. There are way too many other variables that affect a person's attractiveness.

May 30, 2017

She chooses the average looking guy because the average looking guy has other qualities that are more important to her than looks. She does not view that as settling. The hypothetical you pose that basically EVERYTHING else is equal except looks is one you will never find in real life. But if someone ever did find those two unicorns, then sure, she would probably go for the better looking guy, all else being totally equal. Wouldn't you?

Are you honestly expecting the women you date to view you as the most good looking man on the planet? You simply cannot narrow it down only to looks. There are way too many other variables that affect a person's attractiveness.

Of course not but I would expect her to view me as above average looking at least & not average looking. I mean if the guy views the woman he's with as gorgeous & she only views him as average or even ugly deep down how is that supposed to make the guy feel good? I could be wrong but I think that's why a lot of couples are looks matched more often than not.

May 30, 2017

Of course not but I would expect her to view me as above average looking at least & not average looking. I mean if the guy views the woman he's with as gorgeous & she only views him as average or even ugly deep down how is that supposed to make the guy feel good? I could be wrong but I think that's why a lot of couples are looks matched more often than not.

But on those lines it would make total sense for a woman to feel insecure about dating a guy she thinks is gorgeous when she believes herself to be average.

May 30, 2017

But on those lines it would make total sense for a woman to feel insecure about dating a guy she thinks is gorgeous when she believes herself to be average.

And that's why you usually only see attractive women with attractive looking guys. And average with average. Of course there's a lot of couples that aren't looks matched but more often that not couples I see when out are looks matched. I rarely see good looking women with downright ugly men. Most or a lot of the time the guy is good looking. Seems it's mostly the case when the guy has a lot of money he can get with the attractive woman if he's not on her level of looks. If I had to state my own level of looks I'd probably rate myself a 7 so I feel I'm above average but I'm not at that top tier of looks that will have most women turning their heads to look.

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