Why won't he just return my things? *Updated:5 months and I still miss him so much*

[1fish2fish]

I'm glad a friend intervened for you without you having to ask. It really is frustrating, isn't it, dealing with such childish behavior.

 

I have about $700 worth of gym/exercise equipment at my ex's, along with my mountain bike (that fit him better). He's keeping it to have "control" and it's all a power play, which is why I'm replacing all of it, little by little. Eff him and his small mindedness...no way will I ask for it back, nor ask anyone to intercede for me. He can have it. He needs it more than I do, anyway.

 

He's 47. lol

[brokenshell]

I'm glad a friend intervened for you without you having to ask. It really is frustrating, isn't it, dealing with such childish behavior.

 

I have about $700 worth of gym/exercise equipment at my ex's, along with my mountain bike (that fit him better). He's keeping it to have "control" and it's all a power play, which is why I'm replacing all of it, little by little. Eff him and his small mindedness...no way will I ask for it back, nor ask anyone to intercede for me. He can have it. He needs it more than I do, anyway.

 

He's 47. lol

 

Well I finally have it back, my friend contacted him this morning and he had dropped it off a couple of hours later. I didn't ask any questions about how the exchange went. I would love to know the reasons why when I contacted him I waited days for a response and the several false promises of bringing it around the next day when he didn't even bother. But I guess I'll never know the answers. Maybe he just didn't want to see me, but I did suggest first that he should drop it off at our friends house. He was the one who said he would bring it over to my house.

 

I know a weaker part of me hoped to see him face to face. Not to beg him back or anything. But to see if I actually still felt anything for him or if this longing feeling is just in my head because I cant see him. And to see if he still felt anything for me. Not that getting back together would be an option I wanted anymore. Just curiosity I guess. I miss him a lot. But it was such a terribly unhealthy relationship, but we both loved eachother.

 

Trying to stop myself from texting him tonight. I keep thinking of things I could say. Even just to say that there is no hard feelings. But I know I'd only regret it. And some no contact after the last 3 weeks of struggled/tense contact with him is much needed. He might even have another girl in his life. So its definitley not a good idea.

[mightycpa]

Hey, thanks for the reply. It's nice to know theres someone else whos felt the same.

 

With me the curiosity isnt growing at all. I could happily never know what hes up to or who hes dating for as long as I still have feelings for him. I'm not sure if its me not wanting to accept the breakup, and maybe hearing hes with someone else will make it too real for me and thats why I avoid it. But I do feel like I have accepted that this is definitley for the best and have made a little progress.

 

I have spoken to this family member and told them I don't want to hear anything about him because when I hear anything I start to panic and it upsets me even more. They said but you do realise I will hear things, why wouldnt you want to know? I get paranoid that they know things and I start to worry they will let it slip in conversation and it makes conversation with them uncomfortable.

I hear ya! A long time ago, I was still suffering badly, and I ran into one ex's father, and he started complaining about her being out every night until all hours, and how he didn't approve of her new lifestyle!

 

Aaaargh! He HAD to know how that sounded!

 

I sure didn't want to hear it! I'm with ya! Glad you got your computer back... good friend.

[1fish2fish]

 

Trying to stop myself from texting him tonight. I keep thinking of things I could say.

 

Please don't.

 

It will set you back big time!

 

Besides, you won't get the answers you want or need, because if he was secure and stable and mature, he wouldn't have held your computer hostage in the first place.

[brokenshell]

I hear ya! A long time ago, I was still suffering badly, and I ran into one ex's father, and he started complaining about her being out every night until all hours, and how he didn't approve of her new lifestyle!

 

Aaaargh! He HAD to know how that sounded!

 

I sure didn't want to hear it! I'm with ya! Glad you got your computer back... good friend.

 

Argh no! That must have been awful. I have a major fear of hearing anything about him. Anything that makes it sound like hes happier without me or happily moving on with someone else. I keep thinking of all the little nice ways he would be with me and all the moments we shared that I felt that we connected in a special deep way and the thought of him doing that with other women makes me sick to my stomach! It's hard to comprehend he could share moments like that with anyone else because for me they felt so special and unique.

[brokenshell]

Please don't.

 

It will set you back big time!

 

Besides, you won't get the answers you want or need, because if he was secure and stable and mature, he wouldn't have held your computer hostage in the first place.

 

I held back from messaging him, I went to see my friend who sorted the situation out instead. Whilst I asked them not to discuss it with me what was said between them they did say it was very awkward. They think the reason why he was so quick to bring it around after leading me on for 3 weeks was because it made him look bad and childish that someone else had to intervene and be like come on now this is getting silly, you broke up with the girl just give her it back.

 

After discussing it it's definitley kept the urge to message him at bay. I kind of feel bad because it feels like any bridges left have been burned.

[preraph]

But now you can move on.

[brokenshell]

Well I've struggled with no contact from day 1. The most I've managed since the breakup (3 months ago) is 2 weeks NC which I broke last week whilst clearing out my apartment I came across some of his belongings. I send him a picture and asked if he wanting me to keep hold of anything or if I could just throw out.

 

Yes, it was actually just because I wanted to open up contact with him because I was missing him. He never replied. We have had low contact since the breakup always via text and he never intiated but would sometimes reply friendly but brief.

 

Today is such a beautiful day outside. And it was always days like today we would excitedly message eachother for a trip out somewhere for a hike (hiking is something we both love so much and was our 'thing'). Well today I woke up looked outside and grabbed my phone and then it sunk in that I can't message him. Ive been no contact since the last messages he ignored a week ago. I know messaging him would be a terrible idea. He may even be seeing someone else but I cant shake the urge to reach out and tell him I miss him and ask if he wants to go for a hike.

 

Will this heartache ever stop? I just wish I could not be in love with him ot long to get back together. Its been 3 months after 2 together. Why cant I seem to move on??

[Spartakooty]

How long were you together? Don't break NC. Go for the hike by yourself and feel the hurt. I'm just over 2 months NC and it gets better. It still sucks...like missing her this morning and wondering again if it could have been avoided. It could not have been. Yesterday was a good day. The good days start to become more often and you start to understand why it didn't work.

[brokenshell]

How long were you together? Don't break NC. Go for the hike by yourself and feel the hurt. I'm just over 2 months NC and it gets better. It still sucks...like missing her this morning and wondering again if it could have been avoided. It could not have been. Yesterday was a good day. The good days start to become more often and you start to understand why it didn't work.

 

Thanks for the reply. We were together just over 2 years and have been broken up for about 3 months now.

 

I have been doing a lot better since the beginning obviously and have accepted the breakup and why it didnt work out, but the days where I really miss him and know I cant message him or that he wouldnt reply anyway kills me. Im not going to give in and contact him today but It hurts so much still. I always thought getting to 3 months would mean I would be pretty much over him and back to enjoying my life

[penelopeanne]

I can relate with that urge to reach out.

my story is a bit different....and because my relationship ended in a sort of cold way via email with no face to face time or talking since the week before it, it feels like my ex died.

all this after 2+ years together. (i am 3.5 months post breakup) so for me, i look for signs of life of him, online.

still havent run into each other. don't necessarily want him in my life now and though i do miss him, I don't think I am in love with him.

there has been a lot of pain.

and i did reach out a bit.

in email, after the initial break up emails. in early april i sent him a message online just saying i hope he is doing ok (i regretted this later)- his response was: pretty stressed, working towards self care.

he never said anything to me. he is selfish and avoidant.

so i know it will hurt me to even make effort.

then in may he liked a few of our photos of us on my fb page which sent me in a confused tizzy and i wrote him that it really affected me. never responded.

so this is what he is capable of (or not capable of)

and yet, i have days where i want to break the ice and say hi how are you.

i don't think he is doing ok from what i see and hear.

i don't want the awkwardness. all the silence.

but what good would it do?

i know for you, that beautiful weather and thoughts of hiking must be hard to not want to reach out.

i get it.

despite all of this with him, i do the same sometimes.

but its important to remember what got you 2 here to this place.

what got you to come onto this site.

how it feels when he doesnt respond.

[BC1980]

There will always be triggers to break NC or reasons to contact him. A lot of things are going to remind you of him for months probably. But the way out is to learn to manage the triggers and the challenging situations without contacting him. Contact is like a drug. It makes you want more, and it makes you weaker and able to rationalize contacting him again in the future. I think it's good to give yourself some time to be angry or sad or however you feel because you can't contact him, but go make a new memory today without him. It's going to be hard at first, but it will get better.

[BC1980]

Thanks for the reply. We were together just over 2 years and have been broken up for about 3 months now.

 

I have been doing a lot better since the beginning obviously and have accepted the breakup and why it didnt work out, but the days where I really miss him and know I cant message him or that he wouldnt reply anyway kills me. Im not going to give in and contact him today but It hurts so much still. I always thought getting to 3 months would mean I would be pretty much over him and back to enjoying my life

 

It actually gets a little worse before it gets better. In the beginning, you are in shock and denial, but now the reality is setting in. At least that was my experience. Not going NC is a way to stay in denial and avoid going through grief.

[brokenshell]

I can relate with that urge to reach out.

my story is a bit different....and because my relationship ended in a sort of cold way via email with no face to face time or talking since the week before it, it feels like my ex died.

all this after 2+ years together. (i am 3.5 months post breakup) so for me, i look for signs of life of him, online.

still havent run into each other. don't necessarily want him in my life now and though i do miss him, I don't think I am in love with him.

there has been a lot of pain.

and i did reach out a bit.

in email, after the initial break up emails. in early april i sent him a message online just saying i hope he is doing ok (i regretted this later)- his response was: pretty stressed, working towards self care.

he never said anything to me. he is selfish and avoidant.

so i know it will hurt me to even make effort.

then in may he liked a few of our photos of us on my fb page which sent me in a confused tizzy and i wrote him that it really affected me. never responded.

so this is what he is capable of (or not capable of)

and yet, i have days where i want to break the ice and say hi how are you.

i don't think he is doing ok from what i see and hear.

i don't want the awkwardness. all the silence.

but what good would it do?

i know for you, that beautiful weather and thoughts of hiking must be hard to not want to reach out.

i get it.

despite all of this with him, i do the same sometimes.

but its important to remember what got you 2 here to this place.

what got you to come onto this site.

how it feels when he doesnt respond.

 

I know what you mean about not really wanting them back and not knowing if your still actually 'in love' with them. I feel it too. I know it would be virtually impossible to reconcile after all the hurt I've been through this last few months any trust left is gone and I feel like I don't even know this person anymore.

 

I feel for you, I think we're on the same time frame. It was mid to late March when we were together that the relationship took a nose dive. I don't know if its the same for you but I have been so confused over the time frame. It feels like its been so long I thought it had been longer than what its actually been. I keep having to recount the months/weeks.

 

It was made official by him on the 1st of April when we met up and he gave me the breakup chat. I didn't say much, he kept asking me how I felt and what I thought should happen and I said well what would be the point, he had just broke my heart and there was nothing I could have said that would have changed anything. He seemed frustraited at the time that I didnt speak up.

 

He reached out a few times through instagram (liking pictures, commenting, watching all of my insta stories) and replied to one of my insta stories (I was changing my number asking people to send me their digits) he sent me his number and said 'please dont cut me off entirely. I told him to nicely to back off and let me heal. And he seems to be respecting that or he just has no interest in me anymore.

 

I havent cyber stalked him at all. Mostly because it wpuld hurt to much to see him happy without me or even with someone else. I guess I will have to deal with that someday as we live in the same town/know the same people.

 

Its sad that the person your close to most suddenly becomes a stranger. I really miss his company.

[brokenshell]

It actually gets a little worse before it gets better. In the beginning, you are in shock and denial, but now the reality is setting in. At least that was my experience. Not going NC is a way to stay in denial and avoid going through grief.

 

I definitley agree with it getting worse. The 2 weeks no contact I had before I contacted him again last week was probably the best I've been since the breakup. I had a calming, healing feeling come over me. I had no urges or desire to talk to him and thought I was finally coming out of the heartbreak... then BOOM I checked my 'on this day' on facebook and noticed he had recently changed his profile picture (it was the small picture next to a comment he had made on a old photograph a year ago, I never actually went on his profile) he looked healthy and happy and it hit me like a punch to the chest. It was the first time I'd seen his face in so long after hiding photos/removing him from all social media etc from the start of the breakup. Everyone around me is under strict instruction not to bring him up/tell me anything they've heard or seen from him. It was on my mind for days and then I caved and found any excuse tp try and message him which ended up being a message about his things.

[BC1980]

I definitley agree with it getting worse. The 2 weeks no contact I had before I contacted him again last week was probably the best I've been since the breakup. I had a calming, healing feeling come over me. I had no urges or desire to talk to him and thought I was finally coming out of the heartbreak... then BOOM I checked my 'on this day' on facebook and noticed he had recently changed his profile picture (it was the small picture next to a comment he had made on a old photograph a year ago, I never actually went on his profile) he looked healthy and happy and it hit me like a punch to the chest. It was the first time I'd seen his face in so long after hiding photos/removing him from all social media etc from the start of the breakup. Everyone around me is under strict instruction not to bring him up/tell me anything they've heard or seen from him. It was on my mind for days and then I caved and found any excuse tp try and message him which ended up being a message about his things.

 

I would definitely do what you can do to protect yourself until you get stroger. Removing social media connections is very important as a protective measure. You can't control every trigger, but you should control what you can. I can relate to making excuses to contact an ex. We've all been there. The truth is that there is always an excuse you can talk yourself into.

[brokenshell]

It's been 4 - 5 months since the breakup. I wont bore you with the back story, if you're interested you can read my previous posts. Well Ive been doing well. Up until the last two days that is.

 

I managed a month no contact until 2 days ago where I thought it would be a good idea to message him with a birthday wish. Well it wasn't, because as soon as I hit send it sent me into a whirlwind of anxiety which was made worse by no response from. So then I text again, and again and again. Practically begging for friendship from him. All met with no response. I now feel pathetic, worthless, desperate and needy. He now probably thinks that I have made absolutely zero progress in moving on and I feel so ashamed.

 

I started overthinking... maybe hes found someone else. I have tormented myself with the thought of it since we broke up. Terrified of finding out because of what I know it will do to me emotionally and how it will effect my confidence. So I have avoided finding out anything about him at all costs.

 

I spoke about this fear with a mutual friend, whos reaction basically told me that it is in fact the case... he is with someone else. I didn't allow them to tell me and they never said if he is or isnt, but my gut instinct is screaming it at me.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some support. Its been 4 months, why am I still not ready to accept hes with someone else and why do I have this serious phobia that brings on the worst anxiety about even the thought of finding out? I mean I know most people actually stalk their ex on social media and everything to find out. I just don't want to know. I dont think I could cope knowing or putting a face to her if hes with someone.

[d0nnivain]

We have all done silly things in the throws of heartbreak. Give yourself a break.

 

 

But do delete him from your phone & unfriend him from all social media. You have to protect yourself from further temptation.

 

 

Hopefully the stone cold silence you are getting is hammering home the message that this is really over so you can get on with your life & focus on healing.

[Zul]

Don't beat yourself up. I do goofy things all the time. The best thing to do is remove him completely from any social media (block) and remove the contact from your phone so you are not tempted. Remember you can always undo what you erase/block; but you may just find that in time you don't want to refriend him or add his contact back. That is what happened with me. I removed her completely from my life and it is so nice knowing that she is not taking up even a single byte of memory in my phone because I don't want her in my life at all. She made her choice, so I give her the consequences that go with her choices. She decided to leave, so I decided to make sure that she stays gone.

[preraph]

He knows you well enough to know he's going to have to cut you off or you won't move on. And he doesn't want an ex interfering in his new dating life, of course.

 

Recontacting someone can quickly spiral out of control and the contacter is always the one who loses his or her dignity and gets hurt and humiliated all over again.

 

Now you've dug yourself a hole. All you can do is focus on not thinking about him and just move on with your life. The quicker you're focused on something or someone else, the sooner you will no longer give a crap what he thinks.

[breadbin]

Ah you didn't mess up. Don't beat yourself up about it. Life is too short to be looking back. He has moved on so you have to too! Good luck.

 

4 months isn't long to be fair. There is no magic number though. It takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different. I don't know is it that some people are more sensitive, or emotional or what but just take care of yourself. You might think you have not made progress but believe me you have.

[brokenshell]

I'm really struggling tonight, I feel like every cell in my body is missing him. It's been a tough 5 months, I have weeks where I feel happy, motivated and like I'm moving on then I have weeks like tonight where I just long for him. I miss him as a person. His chats, his personality, his company, his voice, his face, his friendship, his contact. Just everything about him. I miss this person in my life.

 

I cut all social media contact from the early breakup and havent checked up on him since, barely even looled at a photograph of him, he wanted to remain friends and I refused but told him maybe things could be different in the future when the dust settles. I was heartbroken and seeing him live his life without me would feel like torture so I blocked him on facebook along with any mutual friends I was willing to lose (unfollowed the ones I couldnt cut ties with) I unfollowed him on instagram and forcefully made him unfollow me by removing him as a follower. (I kind of wish i hadn't done the latter, it would maybe nice for him to see what I'm up to, he may have reached out by now, although I think he might check my profile anyway out of curiosity.

 

It hasnt been complete no contact. I reached out a few times within the first 2 months. He was slow in replying but was friendly. Ive tried messaging him every few weeks since except for the last month where I have been strict no contact because he stopped replying to all my messages. He stopped messaging me back after a bit of a dispute over getting some of my belonging back where a mutual friend got it back for me instead. He would arrange to drop it off then never show up. And takes days to reply, he kept appologising saying he had been manic busy with work (self employed)

 

As soon as my friend got my stuff back it has been silence from him since. I have foolishly messaged so much, asking for friendship, wishing him happy birthday all to be met with nothing. I gave up a month ago and have been strict no contact.

 

I have done so much to improve myself and to tey and move on. I'm moving into my own place in the next couple of weeks, I have reconnected with friends and have kept myself busy. But nothing shakes how much my heart longs to hear fron him. Surely this cant be it forever? Never hear from him again? I know that there is a good possible chance he has found someone new. What do I do? My whole being is convinced he needs to be in my life, even just as friendship (I cant imagine being back with him romantically I dont think it would work, too much time apart)

[Zahara]

I have done so much to improve myself and to tey and move on. I'm moving into my own place in the next couple of weeks, I have reconnected with friends and have kept myself busy. But nothing shakes how much my heart longs to hear fron him. Surely this cant be it forever? Never hear from him again? I know that there is a good possible chance he has found someone new. What do I do? My whole being is convinced he needs to be in my life, even just as friendship (I cant imagine being back with him romantically I dont think it would work, too much time apart)

 

It won't be forever. The reason why you feel you're stagnant and still feeling the intensity after 5 months is because you kept contacting him. You kept digging at your wound and feeding your hope. You were/are still in denial.

 

Now that he has stopped contacting you, hopefully you will come to terms that it is final, accept that it is time to move on and start the healing process. All the "improving yourself" means nothing when you keep revisiting what hurts you.

[MarvelFan1]

It won't be forever. The reason why you feel you're stagnant and still feeling the intensity after 5 months is because you kept contacting him. You kept digging at your wound and feeding your hope. You were/are still in denial.

 

Now that he has stopped contacting you, hopefully you will come to terms that it is final, accept that it is time to move on and start the healing process. All the "improving yourself" means nothing when you keep revisiting what hurts you.

You hit the nail on the head, Zahara, don't keep picking at the scab, brokenshell, let your wound heal. I've been NC with my ex for three and a half months, and it has been hard, with good and low days, but as time goes on, the urge to message has weakened. I did the dumping (because she was toxic), but it doesn't make it any easier. Friendship is just a way of trying to dull the pain of what your feeling right now, it's not a long term fix, you're trying to put a plaster on a wound that needs stitches.

 

Hang in there, stay NC and let time take its course and heal you, slowly but surely.

[ZayKayWill]

Like others have said you're still hurting because you kept trying to contact him. 5 months isn't a long time at all. It's been a year and a half since my break up and I'm just now starting to get over it. The point of NC is to slowly but surely get over the fact that he is GONE. DEAD. OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOR GOOD. Will he contact you in the late future? No one can really tell. But ideally you want to get to the point where you don't even care if he contacts you again. If he does contact you again in the future, great, looks like you were important enough for him to keep you in his life, but ideally you want to get to the point where you just don't even care and find someone more compatible for you. Good luck. These things take time. A lot of time...