Breaking up right now

[yeldarbs]

Hi

 

So ive been with my current girlfriend for 6 years. We lived together in my flat for most of that period.

 

Ive always let her stay here, for as low a cost as possible, when we met she was just coming out of an 8 year divorce, didnt have a job, and not much savings so I refused to take money from her.

 

Since then, Ive helped provide a good base for her to save alot of money, get back into employment and generally get her life back on track.

 

We have been having a few niggly problems from time to time, from my side, I would say as shes not 36 years old, she started to get a bit moany, even about the most insignificant things.

 

Two days back, I put the kettle on, and went into the garden to water some plants. I came back in to make a coffee, and she said, "the kettle just boiled", but I wanted to be sure, so I left it running, again she said " it just boiled" with a more forceful tone in that I shouldnt have turned it back on.

 

Its a minor trigger which tends to escalate, my response was "ok no need to go bananas I just wanted to ensure its as hot as possible", as I like my coffee very hot.

 

Anyway, this escalated to her immediate reaction "I want to break up".

 

She says this so easily, and from my side, its like, you either agree with her, or Im threatened with "I want to break up", and I have raised this with her previously.

 

Anyway, since then, she went out and stayed over a friends house, and I started to feel a bit stronger that I should stand up for myself this time.

 

I pay the bills, its my flat, Ive helped her accrue alot of savings as I only take £250 from her each month, to cover bills, shopping, and of course if she was renting in London you can imagine how much she would be paying.

 

But part of me obviously feels extremely sad, I dont want to break up, we were aiming to have a kid this year, Ive supported her recently when she lost her job, but she started a new one last monday and seems happy enough, and Im having some troubles in my job so it feels like, kind of aggrieved that she can just run out and leave me when Im going through it.

 

My bathroom is in total chaos, as she recommended one of her friends husbands who does DIY to renovate it, ultimately the decision was mine, but the work was totally substandard and I lost alot of money. I do blame her partly because she recommended the guys.

 

So now as I say, I feel aggrieved, Im 40 years old now, I feel I gave over so much in this relationship and got little to nothing in return, a screwed up bathroom, Im also a bit perturbed to get back into dating at this age, who knows what kind of weirdos lurk out there, and maybe now, Ive missed the chance to have a child myself, and that totally gutting for me.

 

I have hardly any friends, no family, and so I feel Im in a weak lonely position, but part of me as I say, feel strong, and questions why should I degrade myself, if she can so easily throw this relationship in the dustbin and spend yesterday out partying with her friends, she obviously cares about nothing about me whatsoever, so why should I try to fight and hope she might show some heart and compassion, and I mean, why I would to stay with someone who only hangs around for no exact reasons, its totally wrong.

 

I feel bitter to be honest, and Ive told her I dont want to see her ever again. I told her dont contact me unless you have a date and time, when she will collect her stuff, when I most certainly be home.

 

Do I want her to feel guilty for whats shes done?

 

You bet, but I suspect shes become so self centered she wont care one bit, and on my side, I dont even care care if she feels guilty or not, I dont want to break up amicably when I feel walked over in so many respects.

 

Thos was posted with an open heart and open expectations, please write anything you think may be useful in reply. Thanks. Could do with your help and support.

 

Thanks again.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

 

If she's threatened to break up before, it's a sign that she was, A) thinking about this for a while and staged a fight so she could leave, or B) using the threat to manipulate you into doing things her way.

 

My guess is that it's probably a combo of both. You're right that she appears to have taken advantage of your kindness and generosity over the years. No more of that. You designate a date and time for her to collect her things; don't leave it to her to choose that.

 

There are weirdos out there, but there are also plenty of lovely women who am sure would enjoy the company of a kind, caring and self-sufficient man. 40 isn't so "old" anymore. Don't let these thoughts of finding love again intrude right now, though. You need to keep your focus on getting your ex out of the house and reclaiming your self-respect.

[yeldarbs]

Thanks for the kind words. Ill try my best.

[elaine567]

I am no lawyer but in England cohabiting couples do have rights and whilst it is your flat, she was in fact regularly contributing to the both of you living there and that may mean she may be able to show a court she has a "beneficial interest" in the property.

 

It seems like you "rescued" a maiden, only to find as soon as she found her feet she left you for pastures new.

I do however wonder if this MY flat mentality you seem to show here, wore her down. If you were living together was it not meant to OUR flat and relationships tend to need to progress especially after 6 years.

Did you ever talk of marriage?

[yeldarbs]

So yes, I know about this co-habiting claims on the flat, and we did talk about this during our relationship.

 

Part of the reason why she amassed over 60k£ in savings, is that I told her, you save for your own security in the future.

 

I was in fact homeless when I was 16, for about a year, my father was feckless and my mother died when I was young, I worked tremendously hard to get back into normal life, university and buy my own flat.

 

I told her, that I was concerned maybe a girlfriend might try and get some claim on it, and that, that could leave me homeless again, and I had suffered when I was homeless as a teen, and so thats why I indicated she need not pay, once she was in a position to do so, but when we first met, for about the first 4 months she had little money and wouldnt have been able to contribute anyway.

 

So we had an unwritten rule that whatever happens, there wouldnt be any claim on the asset.

 

Anyway, when we lived together, I never once held it over her, like this is my place, I always said, as long as we are together this place is ours, I want it to feel just as much your home as it is mine, and I done my utmost to ensure it felt like that, but surely my offering of not taking cash of her, which I supposed most hungry money grabbing would, would surely demonstrate I am about fairness and kindness, not playng the nasty landlord, obey my rules or take the high road. Its just not my style.

 

Shes even the first choice on my death in service and will testimony, and I told her my ideas should I die what I think she should do with the flat, and so forth.

 

We did talk about marriage, the conversation was always skewed to "me not believing in marriage", as I dont have any religion, and I personally dont need the stamp of any church or government to commit to staying with someone for a long period, if not eternity, but as she was not a UK national, and I had hoped to emigrate to her country in retirement, I did say we would need to get married to facilitate visa etc, but outside of that, my love was strong enough to consolidate the relationship on a level akin to marriage.

 

There were some indications she may have been stringing me along, but I ight just be reading into them too much in hindsight, when I said one time, I will get a nice diamond ring for engagement, and she said, I dont need a ring, or expensive ring, which as I say, in hindsight might indicate her intention was one of not being committed, but we often had conversations which were outside of the normal flow of life which most people follow, such as white weddings etc etc.

Edited May 29, 2017 by yeldarbs

[Gr8fuln2020]

So yes, I know about this co-habiting claims on the flat, and we did talk about this during our relationship.

 

Part of the reason why she amassed over 60k£ in savings, is that I told her, you save for your own security in the future.

 

So we had an unwritten rule that whatever happens, there wouldnt be any claim on the asset.

 

'Unwritten' agreements are not legally binding in many situations. I'm not familiar with UK laws, but I suspect that it may likely be true there too.

 

Anyway, when we lived together, I never once held it over her, like this is my place, I always said, as long as we are together this place is ours, I want it to feel just as much your home as it is mine, and I done my utmost to ensure it

We did talk about marriage, the conversation was always skewed to "me not believing in marriage", as I dont have any religion, and I personally dont need the stamp of any church or government to commit to staying with someone for a long period, if not eternity, but as she was not a UK national, and I had hoped to emigrate to her country in retirement, I did say we would need to get married to facilitate visa etc, but outside of that, my love was strong enough to consolidate the relationship on a level akin to marriage.

 

Where is she originally from? So, she knew that the plan was for you both to return to her country. Has she ever challenged that idea and instead suggested that staying in the UK was the better option?

 

There were some indications she may have been stringing me along, but I ight just be reading into them too much in hindsight, when I said one time, I will get a nice diamond ring for engagement, and she said, I dont need a ring, or expensive ring, which as I say, in hindsight might indicate her intention was one of not being committed, but we often had conversations which were outside of the normal flow of life which most people follow, such as white weddings etc etc.

 

Stringing you along for 6-years. Possible. How was your sex life? Intimacy? Was she affectionate?

[yeldarbs]

Stringing you along for 6-years. Possible. How was your sex life? Intimacy? Was she affectionate?

 

Sex life wasnt great to be honest. Recently her period didnt come and she needed some tests, and yes, I saw the letters to and from the hospital. I never actually got much satisfaction from her in bed, as much as previous girls, but I could withstand that because I really liked her as a person, and I thought, we could always improve on things.

 

Her country is Japan. I lived there for about a year few years back, although we did meet here in London. She already had the right to remain visa from her previous marriage to a guy who lived on the Isle of Wight.

[yeldarbs]

Guys Im angry, but at the same time I feel I want to ask her to try and get back together. Its so confusing. Do you have hints and tips to help with the conflicting emotions.

 

The anger one is obviously that I feel mistreated, the getting back together is the yearning not to be lonely, and have to go through the dating ups and downs again and my age.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Guys Im angry, but at the same time I feel I want to ask her to try and get back together. Its so confusing. Do you have hints and tips to help with the conflicting emotions.

 

The anger one is obviously that I feel mistreated, the getting back together is the yearning not to be lonely, and have to go through the dating ups and downs again and my age.

 

You are angry. You feel mistreated. She has threatened to break-up. It is SO difficult to be objective when you fear the future w/o her. It often leads people to making decisions that amount to settling and living long-term in relationships that become cumbersome and smothering, not happy.

 

May I ask if you settled when you decided to be with her? Did her circumstances propel you to staying with her? Looking back, were you enticed by the 'knight in shining armour' syndrome? And now that you have invested 6-years you feel you cannot let go?

 

You can...let go.

[yeldarbs]

Y

May I ask if you settled when you decided to be with her? Did her circumstances propel you to staying with her? Looking back, were you enticed by the 'knight in shining armour' syndrome? And now that you have invested 6-years you feel you cannot let go?

You can...let go.

 

I did feel settled, I was happy most of the time, as I say, more and more over the last year she became very niggly, like any small thing could blow up. An earlier poster said this may have been a trap laid in order to cause a controversy and excuse to leave.

 

But can someone actually be this calculating? I find that hard to believe, but perhaps life has taught me anything is possible, but with someone who youve known for 6 years to show this kind of trickery, is a little disgusting for me to really understand.

 

There is a slight pattern in past relationships, helping the girl who has been through a tough situation, but surely in any relationship you want to help someone if you really love them alot.

 

A friend said to me, he would charge her the rent, as if she was a stranger renting a room, but i just found that unpalatable, for me money is not important, working together to build a happy future is much more appealing, but perhaps this is a lesson learned.

 

I know deep down, if a partner at the smallest opportunity, will jump to "I want to break up" it really tells me something is fundamentally wrong, IM too much of a good guy to go begging for her to take me back, and then she will have some power trip over me again and again, and if I dont tow the line, she will just threaten again and again.

 

Thing is, if she hadnt accrued so much money, and job security, I know for sure, she wouldnt do any threatening at all.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I did feel settled, I was happy most of the time, as I say, more and more over the last year she became very niggly, like any small thing could blow up. An earlier poster said this may have been a trap laid in order to cause a controversy and excuse to leave.

 

But can someone actually be this calculating? I find that hard to believe, but perhaps life has taught me anything is possible, but with someone who youve known for 6 years to show this kind of trickery, is a little disgusting for me to really understand.

 

Thanks for being honest. You settled. You played the knight in shining armour. Yes, people are that calculating at times. It happens more often than many people want to admit. This is true especially from people who are vulnerable and desperate for a way out.

 

There is a slight pattern in past relationships, helping the girl who has been through a tough situation, but surely in any relationship you want to help someone if you really love them alot.

 

You started helping her long before love was in the picture. And if early on,

you thought is was love, that, in itself seems unreasonable and unhealthy.

You, too, were lonely, desperate for a relationship, so you settled.

 

A friend said to me, he would charge her the rent, as if she was a stranger renting a room, but i just found that unpalatable, for me money is not important, working together to build a happy future is much more appealing, but perhaps this is a lesson learned.

 

I know deep down, if a partner at the smallest opportunity, will jump to "I want to break up" it really tells me something is fundamentally wrong, IM too much of a good guy to go begging for her to take me back, and then she will have some power trip over me again and again, and if I dont tow the line, she will just threaten again and again.

 

Thing is, if she hadnt accrued so much money, and job security, I know for sure, she wouldnt do any threatening at all.

 

You know all too well...now. She has the upper hand and is no longer dependent or she is much more independent on your support.

 

Make the right decision, the one that is HEALTHY for you.

[yeldarbs]

Thanks for listening, Ill see this as an opportunity to gain my self respect back, I know the emotions will be roller-coastering up and down, but I think hanging onto that raw emotion of being manipulated will keep me on track.

 

Thank you.

[elaine567]

How old is she?

[yeldarbs]

How old is she?

 

She turned 36 a couple of months back.

[Superchicken]

Guys Im angry, but at the same time I feel I want to ask her to try and get back together. Its so confusing. Do you have hints and tips to help with the conflicting emotions.

 

The anger one is obviously that I feel mistreated, the getting back together is the yearning not to be lonely, and have to go through the dating ups and downs again and my age.

 

What you just asked, you need to ask her the exact questions.

Only she can help you make your decision.

 

 

So tell her, "Your Angry", but at the same time, you want her back. Also tell her your confused, and need to discuss your relationship, and what YOU both want.

 

 

 

 

We don't know her from a bar of soap. You do, and I'm pretty sure, you only just brought up some minor annoyances on "Her" part (Because we men tend not to disclose what may have led our women to get pissed with us).

 

 

So, please, rethink your situation, as you could be letting go the women for you.

Then again, adios bitch from hell..

 

 

Think about it, but not for too long. Every day going by is another day lost.

 

 

Ted.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Forget age. You're 40 and I started dating again in my 40s and still dating in my late 40s now like MANY others. Your age has nothing to do with it. Your outlook, your health, your confidence, etc. are what are important.