twentysix Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 Okay so, I need some advice with my new boyfriend. I'm 27 and he's 29, we've been together for about 4 months. For a bit of background, I got out of a 6 year relationship last year and he has had a handful of short term relationships except for a girl he dated for 3 years and ended when he was 21. He was very hurt by this relationship ending and didn't date anyone for about 5 years after it ended. He also suffers from social anxiety, so spent these 5 years almost completely alone. Only in the past couple of years he was able to break free of this and force himself to be more social. However, this has caused him to become extremely independent, and he admits he finds it hard to "integrate" someone into his life. I've been having some thoughts about him lately and wondering whether this relationship is going to work or not. He's started a new job, which means that I only see him on the weekends. During the week, he's not much of a talker, he's working from 3:30AM through until 4:30PM and staying away from home. There's not alot of communication during the week, which is a problem for me. We'll text back and forth a couple of times and talk on the phone once during the week, usually around Wednesday night. I'm not sure if this is normal? I have spoken to him about this, and he says he just doesn't see the point as he doesn't have a lot to say and is also extremely tired. It was not like this when he was working a normal 9-5 job. He always sees me on the weekends, usually from Saturday morning through until Sunday night, but he brought up with me yesterday that he feels "obligated" to spend the whole weekend with me. He says it's not that he doesn't want to see me, and he always enjoys the time we spend together, but there's also other things he wants to do with his spare time but feels can't because it's the only opportunity we have to see each other. I told him that he doesn't have to see me all weekend, every weekend. I hate that we can only see eachother on the weekends, but they are precious and everyone needs their alone time sometimes, especially after a big week. I told him that I care about him and his wellbeing and if he needs some time on the weekend to himself then he should have it. I told him I don't want to put any pressure on him. This lead to a conversation about how he admitted that he has some commitment issues. He cannot stay in one job, one house, or with one girl for very long. He doesn't really know why this is. He says he really wants to make things work with me, he really likes me and sees that we have something good, but he can't shake the fear of losing his freedom and having expectations put on him. I asked him if he still wanted to keep doing this (relationship) and he says he really does, it has crossed his mind before how things would be easier (for him) if we didn't see each other anymore, but deep down he knows he doesn't want to end it and he wants to make it work. He says when we are together there's nowhere else he'd rather be or anything else he'd rather be doing, so he's confused about what he's so scared of. He feels maybe he needs to get past this "stage" he's at where he usually pulls the pin. He says he wishes he could speed up time and get over where he's at right now. I'm doing my best to look out for myself at the same time, it's a really frustrating & draining situation to be in, but there's a voice in my head that continues to quiet any thoughts I have of ending this right now. I don't know what it is, but when we do see each other, it just feels right. Nothing about it seems off. He really is worth it to me, as hard as that is for my friends & family to understand. I guess I just want to see what other people think. Should I set myself some kind of deadline to see some changes in him? Should I not expect any changes at all? Should I suggest a break from each other while he works out what he wants? I can see that he really wants this relationship, to work and he cares a lot about me, he just doesn't know how to do it.
Redhead14 Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 This lead to a conversation about how he admitted that he has some commitment issues. He cannot stay in one job, one house, or with one girl for very long. When someone tells you who they are, you should believe them! What he is doing is giving you a "disclaimer" -- "date me at your own peril. I know I can't give you what you want and need and won't put in much effort. And, I want and need the company of a woman but it has to be on my terms and on MY schedule and for as long as I can tolerate it. So when it does end, it will be your problem. I told you so, so I don't feel too guilty". This "issue" extends into all aspects of his life, not just relationships and that's actually worse. It's a pervasive issue that, even if you did develop the relationship to marriage, etc., you would have to put up with him being out of work on a whim, looking at other women, dissatisfaction overall -- he will be restless. When an "issue" affects all aspects of one's life -- it's actually a "disorder". Listen to him and do what's best for YOU. Look at the big picture and focus on consequences of dismissing and ignoring his warning. 2
Author twentysix Posted May 29, 2017 Author Posted May 29, 2017 I think what keeps me wanting to push on, is that he doesn't make any excuses and he's actually pretty aware of how he is & honest about his behavior/feelings and he does want to be different. He won't bring it up himself, but if we're having a "deep" conversation, he's always very honest about everything. He says that deep down he has always wanted something long-lasting and doesn't want to be alone forever, but he doesn't seem to have any faith in himself that he'll be able to maintain something long-term. I've given him so many outs, but he doesn't take them, he keeps saying he wants to make it work. He says he finds being in a relationship really hard, and he knows he has compromises to make. He keeps telling me not to worry, and that we'll work through it together. I believe that he means it, but I don't entirely believe that it'll happen. But if things stay in this half-relationship mode, I know what I have to do.
Redhead14 Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 I think what keeps me wanting to push on, is that he doesn't make any excuses and he's actually pretty aware of how he is & honest about his behavior/feelings and he does want to be different. He won't bring it up himself, but if we're having a "deep" conversation, he's always very honest about everything. He says that deep down he has always wanted something long-lasting and doesn't want to be alone forever, but he doesn't seem to have any faith in himself that he'll be able to maintain something long-term. I've given him so many outs, but he doesn't take them, he keeps saying he wants to make it work. He says he finds being in a relationship really hard, and he knows he has compromises to make. He keeps telling me not to worry, and that we'll work through it together. I believe that he means it, but I don't entirely believe that it'll happen. But if things stay in this half-relationship mode, I know what I have to do. I believe that he means it, -- So did all the other women he said all that to. 2
elaine567 Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 He doesn't see you during the week and now he is trying to get out of seeing you at the weekends... At four months he is already introducing distance. Is this a lifestyle you would be comfortable with long term? Do you really need a man like this in your life? Mental health problems, with commitment issues and no apparent loyalty to a job, a house or a woman. He may be being very "honest", but what he is telling you is not really what you want to hear from a bf is it? 1
Author twentysix Posted May 29, 2017 Author Posted May 29, 2017 Not at all, but what else can I do? He works ridiculous hours and stays away from home when he does them. When he was working normal hours, he was here a couple of nights a week, but he doesn't have that opportunity now, he's not here. I don't know if he's trying to get out of seeing me on the weekends as much as he's trying to make sure he can still do his own thing when he needs to: go to the gym, go for a surf, take his boat out. He doesn't have many friends, he's not wanting to go out, he's wanting to do his own stuf that he can't in the week. And not even every weekend. Some weekends we might spend the whole weekend together, other weekends we won't. I'm not sure if it's as big of a deal as I'm making it?
Redhead14 Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 The bottom line is that he is not willing or able to give you what you want, which is more time with him. If a guy/woman wants a real relationship and is progressing the relationship, they will make more time for their partner. He isn't. In fact, he is making less time. Everyone wants and needs some time for themselves, but if they are relationship minded, they will be at least keeping the time that exists between them. This guy is showing you what he's been warning you about. You can ride this out for a while if you like, but you will find yourself being drained and frustrated.
elaine567 Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 He is so busy, he doesn't actually have time for a proper gf. Are you prepared to be that woman waiting at home on her own, or always attending events alone, whilst he works or spends his time on his hobbies? He is testing your boundaries and if you are OK with this, then I guess nothing will essentially change. Other women probably just didn't put up with it, and understandably walked. Dating is about finding compatible people. If you are a person who loves loads of space and who is happy being in a relationship where both partners spend a lot of time apart working or doing their own thing then great, but I do not think you are that person, are you? 1
thefooloftheyear Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 (edited) I give him credit....He's being honest...He put the cards on the table.. Most guys would take a situation like this and tell you everything you want to hear, take what he wants out of it until you have had enough and lose it...or he finds a better deal... He sounds like he'd like a girlfriend, but on his terms...And he said so, so you can't find that much fault in it...Like I said, he laid it out for you... It's simple... If he's otherwise a good guy and you like him, take what you can out of it....Or decide you want more and bail... TFY Edited May 29, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 1
spiderowl Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 It sounds like he doesn't have much time spare around his work and naturally wants some time to himself too. He's feeling pressured; he has said so. I get the feeling this guy pulls the trigger as soon as he feels pressured. He doesn't want to but he is warning he might. You are aware of that which is why you are letting him have more time to himself. You know the limits with this guy. The thing is, is this what you want? You might be able to sustain a limited relationship with him, but is that going to be enough for you long term? It is always possible that he might find more time in future but I suspect not. He sounds like the kind of guy who panics at any encroachment on his free time. He's likely to remain that way. His warning about commitment with jobs should be taken seriously too. I am sure you do not want a guy who is always walking out of jobs.
hippychick3 Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 The one thing that drew me to my bf when we first were getting to know each other was his relationship history with his friends and family. His friends from childhood are still his friends, and he is very close to everyone in his family. He has been with the same job for 10 years. He is one that stays loyal and connected to everyone he cares about. If he had told me what your bf told you coupled with the fact he doesn't communicate much during the week and is wishing to increase the distance, I'd make a run for it. This is not going to end well for you. I think it's very important to find someone who has a history of making and keeping commitments.
Whodatdog Posted May 29, 2017 Posted May 29, 2017 I think you are pushing this a little quickly. Youve been dating for 4 months, but only seeing each other on weekends. That isnt much time. He obviously works a lot, but he doesnt want to spend all of his off time with you. He's trying to balance his life right now. I dont know what you should do, but Id certainly keep your options open.
Author twentysix Posted May 30, 2017 Author Posted May 30, 2017 Thanks everyone. He has started communicating more during the week, but he's openly said he thinks it's stupid. He's sort of like, "We can do it, but I still think it's silly." Which therefore makes me feel guilty & needy. Last time we spoke about this, he kept saying that he knows he needs to put in more of an effort and he'll try, he knows he has to make compromises, he just needs to "work it all out" and "work out what he's supposed to do next". I told him that he sometimes gives off the impression that he doesn't really care about our relationship, and he said he really does. He said, "Maybe one day when I'm not so tired I'll be able to figure out what I actually want." Then he reassures me that everything is OK with us, it's not a problem with me, it's a problem with him, he wants to stay together, he's just struggling with the pressure. But for me not to worry, that's his problem to sort out. It's starting to lead me to believe that maybe this isn't the right time for him to have a relationship. His energy & priorities are focused elsewhere. It sucks for me to realise that.
thefooloftheyear Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 Thanks everyone. He has started communicating more during the week, but he's openly said he thinks it's stupid. He's sort of like, "We can do it, but I still think it's silly." Which therefore makes me feel guilty & needy. Last time we spoke about this, he kept saying that he knows he needs to put in more of an effort and he'll try, he knows he has to make compromises, he just needs to "work it all out" and "work out what he's supposed to do next". I told him that he sometimes gives off the impression that he doesn't really care about our relationship, and he said he really does. He said, "Maybe one day when I'm not so tired I'll be able to figure out what I actually want." Then he reassures me that everything is OK with us, it's not a problem with me, it's a problem with him, he wants to stay together, he's just struggling with the pressure. But for me not to worry, that's his problem to sort out. It's starting to lead me to believe that maybe this isn't the right time for him to have a relationship. His energy & priorities are focused elsewhere. It sucks for me to realise that. Everything he is saying is giving himself the out, and letting you know that he's fine with this arrangement as long as he doesn't have to make any changes in his life.."if it happens, it happens"... And throws in the "its not you, its me" for good measure.. Sounds like he's probably a good guy that wants to live his life the way it suits him...It would potentially work with the right mate, I guess its up to you to determine if you are that person.. At least he is being honest...or so it seems anyway.. Sorry and I wish you well with whatever happens.. TFY
elaine567 Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 YOU are only 4 months in ie 16 weeks and there is already a huge amount of "pressure" on this guy. This is the supposed to be the honeymoon phase, where both bend over backwards to please the other, but here he is introducing distance and trying to get you to believe that it is a good thing. This I'll do it but it is "silly" is a very bad sign. OK if you were asking him to attend a fancy dress party when fancy dress is not his thing, but when contact during the week is a fundamental part of building a relationship and he believes it is "silly", you have a big problem on your hands. 1
Whodatdog Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 Hate to sound cliche, but it sounds like he's just not that into you. Like he's perfectly fine with how things are now. In my experience, when a guy is really into you, he makes it known, and he really works at it. This guy isnt.
Els Posted May 30, 2017 Posted May 30, 2017 I could potentially excuse him not seeing you on weekdays if he literally works 13 hours a day for 5 days straight as you mentioned. That would be extremely draining and I can't imagine he'd be very good company even if he did try to see you. But when I get to the end of your opening post, I just see a huge mismatch overall with what each of you wants, and it doesn't make sense to try and plough forward. "Changes" and "compromises" are things that typically come into the picture after years or at least many months together, when the honeymoon phase is over. If you're needing "change" from the start, a change of person would likely be best.
Author twentysix Posted June 16, 2017 Author Posted June 16, 2017 I have an update on this, if anyone is interested. He's now dropped his working days down to three days a week, Monday-Wednesday. As the hours are so long, he's still working 40 hours but does them in three days so it's still full-time pay. He's done this so that he has Thursday & Friday to rest and get some things done for himself (I work 5 days) and then have more time to spend with me on the weekends. I did not ask him to do this at all, this is something he decided to do himself, probably after the recent discussions we've had. He says he's been thinking a lot about what we talked about, and he decided that working 3 days is the best thing for his wellbeing and also for us. Things are actually going really well. He's seemed a lot more excited to see me lately, probably because he hasn't been so drained, and has been making a lot more of an effort. I can't say that I entirely believed him when he said he would try harder, and nobody here really believed him either, but he did. I'm glad I stuck it out, and I hope that things just continue to get better & better from now on
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