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Is an affair starting

Dontjudgeme

By Dontjudgeme
in The Other Man / Woman

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Dontjudgeme New Member

Dontjudgeme

Posted
Posted

Hi,

 

I am so confused right now. I have been with my husband for 9 years and been married for 2 years, we also have a 7 month old child together.

 

Me and my husband met through work, and have been happy for most of the time. However 4 years ago my husband set up his own business with two former work colleagues, which I now also work for.

 

However, when the business started I felt an istant connection and attraction to one of his business partners, I thought nothing of it, and that it was ok to find someone else attractive but nothing was going to come of it.

 

However, over the past 4 years, at Christmas parties when we have both have too many to drink, me and his business partner (who is also married with two children) have both spoke about how we feel about each other and although coming close nothing has actually happened.

 

But over the last couple of months we have been chatting everyday and it's got very heated between us, we have both spoke about how we our partners find is unattractive and the sex in both of our marriages is boring and occasional. We have also found out we both enjoy he same thing when it comes to sex, but we both feel we can't be honest with our partners in regards to what we want in the bedroom, hence we have found ourselves getting off with each other over messages but it's now getting to a stage where it's about to become real.

 

I love my husband very much, but we have drifted apart so much, he is an amazing father and provides as husband but I just feel he doesn't notice me as his wife anymore, I have a young child with him and all I want is to feel attractive to him, but I am now at the stage I don't want to make an effort with my husband in the bedroom department because it feels dead.

 

So last week, me and his business partner ended up having a very passionate snog, which I felt sooooo guilty about, but I absolutely loved it, it made me feel alive. We have both spoke about how much we enjoyed it and I feel things are going to go further pretty soon.

 

However the problem also is, I feel I have more of a connection with this guy other than just sex, we get on so well behind closed doors, we have a laugh we are good friends. I've liked him for four years. He says he is happy with his wife, apart from the sex thing. Which I have agreed with and told him I feel the same, but I feel more than this. I'm confused tonhownhe also feels as he tells me I am more than just someone to have sex with, but then tells me he is happy with his wife. We open up to each other about our marriages and we both listen and help each other through it, so its not just about sex

 

Please help advice is needed x

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted

This is one way to blow up your life - have an affair with your husbands business partner. You know that this won't end well, right? It won't end well for your marriage, your family, and your business.

 

Stop it, now.

  • Like 3
ztmymmy Member

ztmymmy

Posted
Posted

 

Please help advice is needed x

 

Talk to your husband for God's sake.The affair will not fix your marriage.It may in fact destroy it.

 

btw, you say you love your H and want him to find you attractive, but you don't find him attractive?

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Dontjudgeme New Member

Dontjudgeme

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Talk to your husband for God's sake.The affair will not fix your marriage.It may in fact destroy it.

 

btw, you say you love your H and want him to find you attractive, but you don't find him attractive?

 

I promise you I have tried speaking to husband about this and explained how I feel. Things weren't great in that department even before we had a child and now it just seems non-exsistent now. When I try to talk to him he just dismisses me and doesn't want to listen to change. I do or I used to find him attractive but the way he is towards me has broken me, to the point I no longer fight for it anymore. I have kind of accepted it is what it is.

  • Author
Dontjudgeme New Member

Dontjudgeme

Posted
  • Author
Posted
This is one way to blow up your life - have an affair with your husbands business partner. You know that this won't end well, right? It won't end well for your marriage, your family, and your business.

 

Stop it, now.

 

Yes, of course I realise that if anything did happen and we got caught, both of our lives would be over. I couldn't leave my husband or destroy him, I couldn't do that to him or our daughter, but I know I feel to strongly for his business partner to walk away, I know I should stop it before it goes any further, but having to see him every week is so hard. And he makes me feel alive again when i I thought I had lost that feeling and I'm only 27.

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

Posted
Posted

It's limerence and you're well on your way unless you establish boundaries or tell your H about it.

  • Like 1
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Dontjudgeme New Member

Dontjudgeme

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I agree it is, it's all I ever think about at the moment is the sutuation and him and it's doing my head in, we speak everyday all day near enough and not just about sex, I feel we have more than that, but the fact he tells me he's happy with his wife at the moment, fills me with more confusion. I know I need to walk away. But how? I see him every week. He also tells that what he wants is just sex, but I don't believe him, as I know once the sex starts more will follow surely.

somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

Posted
Posted
I promise you I have tried speaking to husband about this and explained how I feel. Things weren't great in that department even before we had a child and now it just seems non-exsistent now. When I try to talk to him he just dismisses me and doesn't want to listen to change. I do or I used to find him attractive but the way he is towards me has broken me, to the point I no longer fight for it anymore. I have kind of accepted it is what it is.

 

You need to tell him this and be clear about how you're feeling and that you're attracted to other people and neglected by him - and that something needs to be done.

 

It is much better to have this fight with him now and work on a solution together than to give in to the affair and face the far worse fight that will happen later when the truth comes out.

 

If you talk to your husband openly about your needs and feelings, many things might happen. Maybe he'll want to split up. Maybe he'll want to go to counseling. Maybe he'll want an open marriage so you can pursue other interests. Maybe he'll tell you that you don't deserve sex/love and you'll be angry enough that you'll be ready to divorce him yourself. Lots of things could happen but you won't know until you talk to him.

 

I mean you say he just dismisses you, but I'm guessing that's because you're saying things more along the line of "I wish we were more intimate" and not "HEY I WANT TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE AND IF IT'S NOT YOU IT'S GONNA BE SOMEONE ELSE" because I'm pretty sure that would get a reaction.

road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted
Yes, of course I realise that if anything did happen and we got caught, both of our lives would be over. I couldn't leave my husband or destroy him, I couldn't do that to him or our daughter, but I know I feel to strongly for his business partner to walk away, I know I should stop it before it goes any further, but having to see him every week is so hard. And he makes me feel alive again when i I thought I had lost that feeling and I'm only 27.

 

You are already a day late and a dollar short.

 

You need to tell your BH what has happened.

 

Why?

 

Your BH needs to protect not only his marriage but his career. You see

he has a business partner that will steal his wife shows that he has a

business partner that will steal his customers and business eventually

as well.

 

This "friend" is no friend to your BH.

  • Like 1
reboot Established Member

reboot

Posted
Posted

Sounds like you came here asking for permission. You don't need permission.

somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

Posted
Posted
He also tells that what he wants is just sex, but I don't believe him, as I know once the sex starts more will follow surely.

 

Please don't fool yourself here. A lot of men interested in affairs are really into just sex. Not all, but a lot. This one isn't even PRETENDING he's interested in more than sex. He wants no-strings sex with someone who won't interfere with his marriage. He does not want more than that.

  • Like 9
road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted
I agree it is, it's all I ever think about at the moment is the sutuation and him and it's doing my head in, we speak everyday all day near enough and not just about sex, I feel we have more than that, but the fact he tells me he's happy with his wife at the moment, fills me with more confusion. I know I need to walk away. But how? I see him every week. He also tells that what he wants is just sex, but I don't believe him, as I know once the sex starts more will follow surely.

 

You projecting your false logic justifying that the OM is not going

to use you just for sex.

 

What are you going to do when the OM eventually knocks you up?

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

Posted
Posted

Most in or thinking about starting an affair don't think about the fallout after.

 

It's a little late after the world blows up and you're exposed for what happened

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
Please don't fool yourself here. A lot of men interested in affairs are really into just sex. Not all, but a lot. This one isn't even PRETENDING he's interested in more than sex. He wants no-strings sex with someone who won't interfere with his marriage. He does not want more than that.

 

This is it, and you are a silly woman if you think it is anything more.

 

If you are unhappy in your marriage and you have tried to talk to your unreceptive up husband with no success, do the honourable thing and end it. You can certainly find another relationship but you are best to look for someone who is actually available for a relationship - not just looking for no strings attached sex.

 

This man is no friend to your husband - he is willing destroy his friend, your family, and his business for nothing more than a few stolen moments...

 

You need to stop this now. But, you don't seem very interested in stopping this, already well on your way down this slippery slope...

ztmymmy Member

ztmymmy

Posted
Posted (edited)
I promise you I have tried speaking to husband about this and explained how I feel. Things weren't great in that department even before we had a child and now it just seems non-exsistent now. When I try to talk to him he just dismisses me and doesn't want to listen to change. I do or I used to find him attractive but the way he is towards me has broken me, to the point I no longer fight for it anymore. I have kind of accepted it is what it is.

 

He probably doesn't realize how truly dire is the situation.You said yourself that he will be destroyed if he found out about your affair.

 

So, you are 27.That's far too young to have your marriage already be this stale.

 

If you have to start over, it's better do it while you're still young.Don't get stuck in a dead marriage and affairs with MM.

Edited by ztmymmy
Confused48 Established Member

Confused48

Posted
Posted

At this stage of an affair, most MM will lie to you and tell you it is more than just sex. He's not even doing that much to hide his true intentions with you. Believe him. It is just sex and he is never going to leave his wife for you.

 

You should read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It has tons of information about workplace affairs. If you really do want to stop this affair, yes it is already an affair, then this book will help you. It won't be easy though. You are already pretty far down a very slippery slope.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
I agree it is, it's all I ever think about at the moment is the sutuation and him and it's doing my head in, we speak everyday all day near enough and not just about sex, I feel we have more than that, but the fact he tells me he's happy with his wife at the moment, fills me with more confusion. I know I need to walk away. But how? I see him every week. He also tells that what he wants is just sex, but I don't believe him, as I know once the sex starts more will follow surely.

 

Believe him when he tells you he just wants sex. You are creating this romantic story in your head about the two of you and it's not going to happen. He has told you what he wants. Are you willing to throw your marriage away, ruin your husband's business as well as your reputation for a few rolls in the hay? It's never going to be more than that.

  • Like 1
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
I promise you I have tried speaking to husband about this and explained how I feel. Things weren't great in that department even before we had a child and now it just seems non-exsistent now. When I try to talk to him he just dismisses me and doesn't want to listen to change. I do or I used to find him attractive but the way he is towards me has broken me, to the point I no longer fight for it anymore. I have kind of accepted it is what it is.

 

Have you really? Have you told him the truth? That you're not in love with him anymore and don't find him attractive? Have you tried marriage counseling?

 

Why did you have a child if your marriage wasn't great? A child doesn't help, it just makes things more stressful.

 

By having an affair (and it is an affair!) with HIS business partner, it will just add more problems and what you're doing is wrong. When he finds out (and he will, only a matter of time) your life as you know it going to blow up in your face.

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted (edited)

I don't think this is so hard to figure out.

 

Your stated reason for starting the affair is because you're not feeling it from your husband. You feel like you need some of that attention that you get when somebody is interested in you, you're not getting it at home, but you are getting it from the partner, so in your head, you've swapped. I don't think it is the man at all. This guy just makes you feel good about yourself.

 

He seems to be a little more level headed about it. He hasn't swapped you for his wife. You guys have chemistry, so of course he says you're more than just some BS superficial friend. But he also says that he's happy with his wife, so along the spectrum of relationships, you're more than a friend, but less than marriage material. If you weren't married, you'd be a friend with benefits, but not a girlfriend. Reading between the lines, what he's telling you is that at some point, you're going to ask for something from him, and he's going to balk, and tell you he can't do it. You are #2, at best.

 

The trouble you're having is that you're not looking to be #2. The next step after enjoying that someone finds you attractive is to escalate that. You'll want his feelings to become deeper, such that you'll feel loved, feel adored. You're looking to move yourself up in the hierarchy, so that he can reflect these feelings to you with even more intensity. Your desire for more is what is confusing you, and it's what is going to do you in.

 

You two are in two different kinds of affairs. I don't know if you need to tell your husband or not. I wouldn't do it right now. Lots of posters here seem to thrive on the horrendous years-long drama that is reconciliation. You don't want to have to deal with that while you're dealing with romantic feelings that will cloud your judgment and render you unable to empathize with your husband. So far, your betrayal is minor league. There is still time for you to turn this around without doing a lot of damage.

 

I do know that you need to reset your expectations, no matter what you do. If you continue with this man, he'll disappoint you. If you stop with this man, you're going to feel that was the wrong move for some time, and it will haunt you and disappoint you. If you leave your husband and try to pick things up with this man, he will disappoint you. So the smart thing to do is to look at the diappointment that awaits you behind all doors, and choose the one that leaves you in the best position at the end. None will be easy roads.

 

Once your head is clear, then you can deal with the whole question of what's wrong with your marriage and is it salvagable. Then maybe you tell him, or at that point, maybe you'll decide there's no reason to do it.

Edited by mightycpa
  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
He also tells that what he wants is just sex, but I don't believe him, as I know once the sex starts more will follow surely.

You are basing that on the world of dating, engagement and marriage, and not in the world of extra-marital sex, which it the world you are now in.

 

The man has told you he is happy with his wife apart from the sex and that is where you fit in.

YOU have liked this man for 4 years and to your mind the great love story you seek is becoming a reality, BUT that is probably just in your head not his, I am sorry to say.

 

Most MM do not want to be the bad guy and just "use" a woman for sex so there is usually a lot of fancy words bandied about to make both feel a bit more comfortable with the arrangement. He, after all has to persuade you to have sex with him so he needs to keep you sweet. He won't do that by just wham, bam thank you ma'am sex, will he? It is a transaction, he will suss out what you need from him, and give you that. If he sees you are happy despite him telling you that it is just sex he will tend to not give you much more as his intention is to get sex from you, and give as little as he can get away with in return.

 

Pack up your heart here and look after it, as it is in danger of getting seriously hurt.

  • Like 1
Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

Posted
Posted

I wish you had come here sooner....before you started moving your boundaries and justifying those actions a little at a time. I wish you had come here...and read all of the stories by people just like you...whose lives are forever changed becasue they made the same choices you are making now.

 

When I was 28 years old...I had been married 11 years and i had two babies. What started as a teacher student relationship..and i moved my bondaries...became a friend relationship and again i moved my boundaries...became an infatuation.. again I moved those boundaries i had in place to allow the next step....sex. One time.

 

All the while...i loved my husband...however i started justifying inappropriate feelings and behavior. I found that as I changed....i could find all kinds of reasons to move away from my husband.

 

I hear everyone of those excuses in your post. YOur husband has not changed....he has not done anything wrong...or different. YOu are the one moving and changing....and in the process....you are willing to destroy 7 lives.

 

Your husband...his wife...and three little babies ...and your AP and you.

 

Is this "chemistry" this high that you get from sharing with this man the things you should be sharing with your husband...worth blowing up the world as you know it?

 

You are going to find out that this excitement you feel for this AP...will also go away....especially when you figure just exactly what you are going to lose.

 

In this case....you also stand to lose a business....which supplies the economic needs of those 7 people as well.

 

I want you to go look in the mirror at that young lady....and see if you can also see that she is capable of murder...becasue you are willing to kill your marriage for another man. I want you to realistically think about the kind of man he too is...if he is willing to destroy those same lives.

 

There is no happy ending. This is real life....and we do not get a second chance...we do not get to replay or undo the choices we make.

 

I have one true regret in life...i cheated...and no matter how hard i try....i cannot ever undo it.

 

You have already crossed line that may be unforgivable by your husband....please dont continue on this path.....please stop and turn around.

 

I talked to my mom after my affair...becasue i needed a friend and i needed advice. I hope you have someone like i did to talk to...that will truly have your best interest at heart.

 

I think you need to tell your husband....but first you need to STOP. Walk away...and cling to your family.

 

Oh how i wish you had come here sooner.....

  • Like 3
deadsoul Established Member

deadsoul

Posted
Posted
I agree it is, it's all I ever think about at the moment is the sutuation and him and it's doing my head in, we speak everyday all day near enough and not just about sex, I feel we have more than that, but the fact he tells me he's happy with his wife at the moment, fills me with more confusion. I know I need to walk away. But how? I see him every week. He also tells that what he wants is just sex, but I don't believe him, as I know once the sex starts more will follow surely.

 

Well, hats off to this guy for at least being honest. More will follow surely on your end (already has) and not on his.

 

No judgment here, but this is a lose/lose situation and you know it. I wish there were magic words I could tell you to stop while it's just a snog (is that a kiss? or more?). Go read my thread. Go read the first line where I say "you never forget the look on your husband's face when he finds out."

 

I have a feeling you are already on your way though and nothing you say or read will stop you.

 

Do you need someone to tell you this is okay to do? Because it isn't.

 

Sit your husband down and tell him everything now. Before it gets worse. Otherwise you will not stop... and you'll be here telling us how you are in love with your OM, but he isn't with you. Trust me.

  • Like 4
Birdies Established Member

Birdies

Posted
Posted

Girl, you are going to drop a nuclear bomb on your life if you continue this. IT IS NOT WORTH IT! Trust all of us who have been there, done that, destroyed the people we cared most about. It is not worth destroying your husband and your innocent child just for some hot sex.

 

If this goes the way it usually does: you will be left with a ex-husband who hates you, you'll only have partial custody of your kid, all your friends will think you're a cheating POS who single-handedly ruined your marriage (the previous marital problems will NOT count to anyone!), and the sexy affair guy won't want anything to do with you. Does that sound like a good goal to strive for? Because that's the path you're on.

 

Tell your husband the truth, and focus on improving your marriage - or ending it if you don't want to be married to him anymore. What you are doing is the absolute worst way to handle your situation.

  • Like 1
pheonixrisen Established Member

pheonixrisen

Posted
Posted
Hi,

 

I am so confused right now. I have been with my husband for 9 years and been married for 2 years, we also have a 7 month old child together.

 

Me and my husband met through work, and have been happy for most of the time. However 4 years ago my husband set up his own business with two former work colleagues, which I now also work for.

 

However, when the business started I felt an istant connection and attraction to one of his business partners, I thought nothing of it, and that it was ok to find someone else attractive but nothing was going to come of it.

 

However, over the past 4 years, at Christmas parties when we have both have too many to drink, me and his business partner (who is also married with two children) have both spoke about how we feel about each other and although coming close nothing has actually happened.

 

But over the last couple of months we have been chatting everyday and it's got very heated between us, we have both spoke about how we our partners find is unattractive and the sex in both of our marriages is boring and occasional. We have also found out we both enjoy he same thing when it comes to sex, but we both feel we can't be honest with our partners in regards to what we want in the bedroom, hence we have found ourselves getting off with each other over messages but it's now getting to a stage where it's about to become real.

 

I love my husband very much, but we have drifted apart so much, he is an amazing father and provides as husband but I just feel he doesn't notice me as his wife anymore, I have a young child with him and all I want is to feel attractive to him, but I am now at the stage I don't want to make an effort with my husband in the bedroom department because it feels dead.

 

So last week, me and his business partner ended up having a very passionate snog, which I felt sooooo guilty about, but I absolutely loved it, it made me feel alive. We have both spoke about how much we enjoyed it and I feel things are going to go further pretty soon.

 

However the problem also is, I feel I have more of a connection with this guy other than just sex, we get on so well behind closed doors, we have a laugh we are good friends. I've liked him for four years. He says he is happy with his wife, apart from the sex thing. Which I have agreed with and told him I feel the same, but I feel more than this. I'm confused tonhownhe also feels as he tells me I am more than just someone to have sex with, but then tells me he is happy with his wife. We open up to each other about our marriages and we both listen and help each other through it, so its not just about sex

 

Please help advice is needed x

 

Exactly helping each other through what? It's not like he and you are being tortured in your marriage

 

You have a sex life issue the only person who can solve it should be given an opportunity to solve it is your h .

Instead of that you feel the better option to solve your sex life is to have sex outside your marriage with his business partner

 

You must really love your husband :D to humiliate him in this manner by starting an affair with his business partner. Him and you are really going to hit him where he hurts the most

 

But hey lets look at the bright side a good sex life surely beats your husband humiliation and your 7 month old child who may not get to experience a home where mum and dad lives together past 1 year Mark! But as long as your needs are being met who the hell cares :)

  • Like 4
somuchfortheone Established Member

somuchfortheone

Posted
Posted
Exactly helping each other through what? It's not like he and you are being tortured in your marriage

 

You have a sex life issue the only person who can solve it should be given an opportunity to solve it is your h .

Instead of that you feel the better option to solve your sex life is to have sex outside your marriage with his business partner

 

You must really love your husband :D to humiliate him in this manner by starting an affair with his business partner. Him and you are really going to hit him where he hurts the most

 

But hey lets look at the bright side a good sex life surely beats your husband humiliation and your 7 month old child who may not get to experience a home where mum and dad lives together past 1 year Mark! But as long as your needs are being met who the hell cares :)

 

 

 

**wish I could like this more than once

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