LoosScroo Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 So, this post is about a number of things concerning me and my g/f of 6 months. Before her, I had been in two other relationships (I don't count b.s. H.S/M.S. relationships) with one lasting for 2 years. The one that lasted for 2 years I think did a number on me. This girl had no problem with saying things to insult me even around my friends... very personal things (use your imagination). Also, she went psycho on me a few times (yelling matches, running away from me, etc.). Now I'm with this WONDERFUL woman that is SO level headed and down to earth. She is so good to me, it's almost too good to be true. Along these lines, I think due to the girl I was with for 2 years, I have major trust issues. I'm not sure if these issues stem from my ex or if they're just something that I've always had. Naturally, these issues have gotten my current g/f and I into arguments that I start because I'm constantly analyzing everything she says/does looking for signs that I'm right not to trust her. It's almost like I'm TRYING to pull away from her. There are other things that we have "scuffled" (as she likes to say) about which also have to do with my insecurities. The foremost thing in the beginning of our relationship was the fact that she is 29 and I'm 23. While this isn't a HUGE difference, in my mind it seemed like it was a generation apart. Also, I dated a woman while travelling abroad for 2 months that was 26 (when I was 22) and there were big conflicts between us because she felt that every problem we had was because I was younger, and therefore immature, so on and so forth... So, I was very apprehensive about my current g/f and I getting together because of the age difference and thinking that the same thing would happen. This, of course, led me to see problems that weren't really there (her patronizing me, etc.) and arguing with her about them even when she had no idea what she was doing wrong. Another large problem I had was that she had had more sexual partners than I. I got over this problem recently on my own, and now I'm fine with it, but while it was a problem I bothered her with my insecurity about that a few times. Recently, the breaking point for me to realize that I was really doing a number on her was that we had both decided to have "time with the girls" and "time with the guys" in order for us to gain back our individuality which we felt we were kind of losing spending so much time together. The thing was that during her time with the girls she decided keep it from me that she went with her two girlfriends (friends of mine as well) to a sex shop to buy a vibrator. It was very unsettling because it was like a big game to keep it from me. She said she kept it from me because she was "afraid I would be upset" with her on the phone. And she was right, I admitted to myself later that night after she and I talked about it. This pushed me to really analyze WHY exactly it was I didn't trust her to go out and have a good time. Of course, it came back to my trust issues. Now, present day (like 2 days later), I'm sitting here being down because last night I came across her recently viewed documents when I was checking e-mail on her computer and found a document called "sigh." Being insecure, I opened it. I found that it was a record of our fights and why and when they happened. I felt HORRIBLE that she felt a need to keep that. She tells me it's because she can't remember the reasons that we fought and she wants to so she can "think about patterns." Here, I find myself at another breaking point. We recently both said the "L" word to each other, and I want to be a very positive thing in her life from now on (at ALL times) and not torment her with my insecurities. I'm going to therapy as soon as I can (waiting for a call back as I type, to be more specific), but until then.... do you guys have any musings or suggestions on my issues?
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 thats why you should've respected her privacy and not opened her letter. You learned something that was her private thoughts and if she wanted you to know them she would've said them to you. You need to talk to her.. Sit her down and talk about your relationship and and your insercurites..
sobeefus Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 you know, instead of being judgemental and pointing out what this person did wrong, maybe a better aproach would be to offer HELP. he read the email because he was paranoid (that's what i got anyway). you can't help that sometimes and when you've been in a relationship that set you up for misstrust you tend to do things that you normally wouldn't. so in the future cut folks a little slack maybe,fly on the wall.because one day YOU could be there too
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 Originally posted by sobeefus you know, instead of being judgemental and pointing out what this person did wrong, Reread my post... I did give him advice..Sorry you didn't like it.. I told him to talk to her about it.. maybe I should've said.. Good going on invading her privacy.. You had a right to because your insecure.. Do a role reversal ..would you have wanted your private thoughts read ??? And I would NEVER read a girlfriends private thoughts or e-mail.. Sorry
Author LoosScroo Posted August 3, 2005 Author Posted August 3, 2005 I'm really not looking for people to tell me I've done something wrong (obviously I know I have) or bickering responses. I'm looking for insight as to causes. Next time I'll stick to therapy.
ReluctantRomeo Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 Originally posted by LoosScroo I'm looking for insight as to causes. Well, the old proverb "once bitten, twice shy" is a good one. I guess that's at least part of the reason you feel the way you do. Therapy sounds good too. I'd definitely second the suggestion about sitting down and talking things through. In a way, it's not a bad thing that you found the "sigh" document - gives you an opportunity to resolve some of the issues she has with you. Try to work out your feelings and reservations, and have a session where you hear each other out. You'll discover loads. And have the opportunity to sort things out.
J dub Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 Youre bringing baggage from an old relationship into a new one, which leads me to believe you may not have sufficient time/energy to fully heal and recover from the past ones. Generally when you are healed, you dont bring those insecurities that were fueled in an old relationship into a new one, unless of course this is a characteristic of your nature and not just something someone triggered out of you temporarily. If its something inside of you deeply rooted from say, childhood, then yes therapy would be the best tool to seek out. Because you invaded her privacy, she is going to have some trust issues with you. You need to sit her down and explain to her that you felt insecure about things to begin with, which caused you to open that document, and now things are snowballing and you dont want it to come to a screeching hault. Sounds to me honestly like youre looking for ways to sabotage your relationship, consciously or not, because you dont think you deserve her. Anotherwords, its not her you should be concerned about, but yourself right now.
Dasani Posted August 3, 2005 Posted August 3, 2005 yeah.. your insecurities need to stop. how you stop them? let go! you are the one holding on to them... stop trying to be in love - just be. That is a very difficult thing to do... especially when it comes to your heart. But people are capapble of just letting things happen, for instance... let her go out with friends- DO NOT DWELL on what they did. Keep your life buy.. work, do voluneteer work, go to classes. If you are busy and passionate about something others will naturally see your passion and want to spend time with you. Because you wont have a ton of time you'll be a mystery and that invites even more peoples' interest. Invading people's privacy is a good way not to have those peopel around anymore. You'r elucky she didnt dump you on that alone. But sounds like you have a good girl and you're concerned about your own issues.. so you've stepping into step 1 of your own kind of 12 step program lol. But seriously you need to let things go.. insecurities, fears... things that are preventing you from truly enjoying your time with new GF.
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