Back to back heartaches

[Lily1029]

Okay here goes. I moved back to a small town after almost 8 years as I was working abroad for a bit. It was a huge cultural change and readjustment after spending all that time away - I felt a bit lost and out of touch. I started a new job and met this guy - let's call him Ed. We had a number of mutual friends (in and out of work) and colleagues. Ed and our work friends had lunch all the time, after work drinks, among other activities over the course of a year. Ed has a gf and I was never interested in overstepping any boundaries.. our friendship was strictly platonic and I never made any advances even though at times I could tell he was flirtatious or had a thing for me. However, over time as we spent more time together feelings grew, on both ends. It became increasingly difficult to deny what I felt and I did my best to keep my distance because I felt weak - I said no to times he asked me out, knowing that more could have happened. There was intense sexual tension and lust on both ends, I knew even if we never spoke of it. Ed ended up leaving that job after a little over a year.. after which he expressed how he felt and he made advances to get physical. Unfortunately.. I caved and we did the deed, which continued for about 3 months on and off.. after which I broke things off and did NC. To be honest, I had no intentions of getting myself in this type of situation and I really did not forsee myself developing feelings for him.. otherwise I probably would have kept my distance more in the beginning. No need to tell me how terrible this decision was because I beat myself up with guilt almost everyday and I dont know how to get past it. I feel as though this was one of the most awful things I have ever done out of loneliness, fatal attraction and prolonged celibacy (I was for close to 9 months). Before that, I also wanted to go back to the dating life I had before - meeting people through mutual friends or dating apps - and I struggled with that for a bit in a small town - I still do. Part of me felt that I wouldn't meet someone in this place and I settled badly.. I know.. I spend everyday regretting my decision.

 

 

A few months later, I met someone else, Ben, through a mutual friend. Ben was the first person I really went on a date with since moving back. He took me to a nice restaurant, to social events.. I met many of his friends and even family members. We had many things in common and I enjoyed his company. I was not sure if I was looking for anything serious because my heart still felt torn up about what happened before and I wanted to be cautious.. I also expressed that to Ben. The more time I spent with Ben, the more i felt like he could be someone worthy of a try for something more. By this time.. Ben and I already slept together and things moved a bit fast. We had each other on social media.. not on twitter though. I decided to go on his twitter, which was private previously, when I saw he made it ope.. and the first thing I saw was him tweeting a girl, who referred to him as her boyfriend. There were multiple back and forth tweets suggesting a relationship. My heart sunk immediately.. I suppose this came back around to me I don't know. I confronted him about it, after which he told me that she lives away and they were previously dating but not anymore. I was so torn up because here I met another person that I liked and vice versa but was potentially committed to someone else. He kept saying the situation was complicated and that he was not sure what they were anymore.. even though the interactions clearly suggested otherwise. I was so embarrassed because I met all his friends and on twitter, they seemed to know of her and would have known he had someone else.. yet here he was trying his best to court, wine and dine me. He told me that she was aware he was seeing other people and she's okay with it once she doesn't know details. He also explained that she was unwell and threatens to harm herself if he walks away. Yes I know - this situation got really convoluted. I didn't know what to believe and in my heart I knew this was bad. I did not want to repeat the same mistake. It hurts so much because I developed feelings for him and this is the second back to back situation where I want someone I can't have, except that I was blindsighted this time around. I ended up deleting him off social media and deleted his number as well.. I explained how much he hurt me. He keeps trying to look for excuses to message me and says that he's working on ending things with her to try with me . But it's a bunch of lies and deceit. My heart has had enough and I no longer speak to him. I have been struggling with not stalking his and her twitter pages though.. I don't know if it's to remind myself of what he's done so that I'll never make the mistake of trusting him or going back.. but it's become an awful, debilitating habit that I need to cut off..

 

Also.. Ed and Ben also know each other.. and their gfs are also part of that social circle. I am drowning in guilt, shame and remorse. I take accountability for what I did with Ed and maybe this was my karma. I'm not a bad person I just made a poor decision. Now I have a lot of anxiety about whether people were to find out and if I'd be perceived in a negative light because of how all this seems. I feel lost and as though I'm losing hope for love and relationships. This entire thing is so overwhelming and I'm clearly making all the wrong decisions. Asking for non judgement and kindness please.. and any advice.. especially to forgive myself. Thank you

[Lobouspo]

I think you're already doing the right thing by cutting him off. Just stay NC. The tricky part is you live in a small town and in the same social network. You were living away for sometime. Is it practical or realistic to get away from this small town permanently?

[Maldives]

This is not so much advice but thst I can relate to ur story.

 

Unlucky in love. Why does love have to be so complicated. I'll tell u why it's people's history and upbringing. Lots of unhealthy people and baggage out there that increase people like me and u a who are normal the likelihood of being infected by there craziness.

[Anniveve]

As one of the other posters suggested, can you relocate somewhere else? Would eliminate the possibility of you running into either men or those real or imagined concerns of others judging you harshly. Continuing NC is a wise choice given the circumstances.

[Lily1029]

Thank you all for the replies. Unfortunately moving away isn't in the immediate future because of some obligations I have. Other than this circumstance, my time has been good for the most part with ups and downs of course - this is my home town I forgot to mention. Funny enough I ran into Ben yesterday. Ed and I are on good terms now for the most part - this was important to me as we have mutual friends. So for now I'll have to focus on dealing with it here.